Mayhem
While Astrid was out thinking over what I told her, I stayed at the compound.
I wanted to go out on my bike, but I was afraid she’d return while I was gone.
Instead, I ended up pacing the house. When that got old, I walked all over the compound.
When I ended up tired of that, I sat down in the great room and got a drink. One turned into two, and then three.
Generally, I wasn’t a guy who drank to get drunk.
Sure, I’d been that way a few times in my life, mainly in the service, but I’d never had a problem like some did.
However, today, I was doing it to drown out my fear and sorrow.
I was terrified that Astrid would return and tell me she was leaving me.
She would tell me that there was no way she could live with a man who did what I did.
She kept her promise, and at the top of every hour, Astrid sent me a text.
It was short and to the point. I’m OK. I tried to take that as a positive sign.
I was staring at the dead fireplace, lost in thought, when there was a brief pounding at the front door.
I didn’t bother to call out. It wasn’t Astrid.
She would walk in. And if it wasn’t her, I wasn’t interested.
Moments later, the front door opened, and the sound of more than one pair of booted feet came toward me.
I didn’t look up. It wasn’t until the lower half of a body stopped in front of me that I did.
I met the gaze of Reaper. Glancing around, I saw he had Ink, Maniac, Spawn, Tinker, and Lash with him.
“Shit, it’s worse than I thought. He’s drinking. Brother, how much have you had?” Reaper asked.
I took the last swallow in my glass. I wasn’t drinking beer. I’d started with hard liquor. It would get me drunk faster. “I’m about to start on my fourth. Why?” I grunted as I reached over to pour more into my glass from the bottle next to me.
Ink snatched it away.
“Give me my goddamn whiskey, Ink,” I snarled.
“No way. This isn’t going to solve anything,” he told me.
“Like hell it won’t. I have to be numb when Astrid returns.”
“Why the hell would you need that? Where is she?” Reaper asked.
“She’s out on a drive, thinking. And I need to be numb to hold it together when she returns and tells me we’re through and she’s leaving. Fuck, she’ll probably go to Virginia Beach and be near that fucker Cass.” I tried again to reach the bottle, but Ink held it too far away.
“Why’re you guys here? I’m not up to guests,” I snarled.
“We’re here because Spawn told us what he discovered about that Baker guy and that he left you to tell your old lady about what was in the guy’s future if he couldn’t be backed down.
We hoped it went well, but then she left alone, and you were off doing whatever when we came earlier.
Come on, talk to us. Tell us why you’re so convinced she’ll leave you,” Maniac said.
“Why will she leave me? It’s simple. I’m a killer. She’s not gonna want a killer in her bed, touching her, fathering her kids. I fucked up. I should’ve told her the truth before we got together. Or better yet, I should’ve stayed the hell away from her.”
Without invitation, they dropped into the available seating. “Sure, you could’ve mentioned it at the beginning. We all had to deal with that conversation. And none of our women were thrilled at the revelation when we shared it with them. However, they didn’t leave us,” Lash added.
“Well, lucky you. Maybe I’m different because while all of you get your hands dirty, you’re not the one who, almost every time, is involved in torturing and killing those people. I am. It’s my goddamn job. How can I expect her to live with that?” I snapped.
“Listen to us, Mayhem. If Astrid truly loves you and wants to spend her life with you, she’ll stay. But it can take some time to process,” Tinker said.
“Christ! I wish I could believe that, Tink, but I can’t. I’m about to lose the woman I love and destroy my future happiness. I set myself up for this heartache.”
“So what would you have done to distance yourself from her if you hadn’t pursued her?” Spawn asked.
“Fuck, I don’t know. Maybe drank and fucked a shit load of women until I was too numb to go after her. Tried to forget her even though I know it would be impossible,” I threw out, not meaning the bit about the women. Wanting Astrid meant my cock wouldn’t get hard for other women.
“Really, that’s what you would’ve done. Well, isn’t that a surprise? Maybe I should think longer,” Astrid’s voice came from behind me.
Twisting in my chair, I glanced back to find her standing in the doorway that came from the deck and past the laundry. All of us came to our feet. Admittedly, I stumbled when I did. I held out my hand as if she’d come to me. Astrid stayed where she was. I dropped my arm.
“Astrid, he’s talking out of his ass. He’s half-drunk,” Reaper told her.
“Yeah, he’s been worried, and it got to him,” Tinker responded.
“He’s a dumbass, but there’s no way he’d ever do that, no matter what. He loves you,” Maniac added.
“Listen, I love that you stick up for your brother like this, but he and I need to talk. It would be better if we did it alone. There are personal things to express. Would you please leave? If he wants to see you afterward, that’s up to him,” she told them kindly, yet firmly.
“You’re right. You should be alone. If you need us, we’ll be at the clubhouse. That goes for both of you. And Astrid, if you need someone to talk to and you’re not comfortable with us, I know the ladies will be happy to help.” Spawn put forth the last remark.
Murmuring goodbyes, my brothers filed out after patting or squeezing my shoulders and kissing Astrid’s cheek.
I had the fleeting thought that this would be the last time I saw that.
My gut dropped, and nausea churned in my stomach.
As they left, Ink put down the whiskey on the nearby table.
On shaky legs, I grabbed my glass and went over to it. My hands shook as I poured more.
“Do you think you should be doing that right now?” Astrid asked.
“Hell, yeah, I should. I know what you’re about to say.”
“Oh, you do? So if I say we’re through, you’ll stagger over to the clubhouse and call those club bunnies in early. You’ll tell them to suck and fuck you until you forget I exist,” she hissed.
“I don’t see why you’ll care, but the answer is no, I won’t.
I said what I did to be an asshole. I can’t touch another woman.
However, it doesn’t negate the fact that my heart is about to be ripped out.
So the whiskey stays. Eventually, I’ll pass out and get a few hours of peace, maybe.
Just get it over with, Astrid. No need to stretch it out. ”
I dropped into my chair. As I did, I watched her. Looking at her hurt me. She was so stunning, luscious, and I loved her. Even in my current state, she made me harden. I gulped down another mouthful of whiskey as she came toward me. I braced for the knife that was about to be thrust into my heart.