2. Christopher
“Why are there so many people here?” I look over at my brother, Dylan, who is sitting on one of the daybeds in the middle of the beach. “And why the fuck is it so loud?” Kids running and adults laughing and talking combine with the DJ who is set up, and it is noise overload.
“You can blame Zoey and Gabriella for that.” He mentions my cousin Zoey and our sister, Gabriella, as he looks out at everyone around us. “They mocked Uncle Matthew yesterday, saying his vacations were becoming boring with a capital B. I thought his head would explode. His eyes started to twitch.” He laughs, remembering the conversation from yesterday. It’s our annual summer vacation, where we are finally all off and together. Since most of the guys play hockey and are in the league, their only free time is after playoffs. So we started doing the family vacation, but Matty’s wife’s family has also joined us this year, so it’s close to over two hundred people. We bitch and complain about this family vacation all year round, but once we’re here, everyone remembers why we come. It’s the best time of the year, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
“I’m hungry,” I state, looking around and finally seeing my cousin Stone walking to the beach with his girlfriend, Ryleigh, beside him. The two of them met at Gabriella and Romeo’s house party, Ryleigh being Romeo’s sister.
“Look at those two.” I point at them, and Dylan laughs as Ryleigh squints at the noise. “She looks like she’s going to barf.” He gets up. “I’m going to look for my wife.”
“You think of barfing and automatically think of your wife,” I joke. He flips me the bird as I also get up off the daybed.
I shake my head as I make my way through the throngs of people. I spot my grandfather, Cooper, sitting with my uncles Matthew and Max. “Hey,” I greet, walking over to him and kissing him on his cheek.
“Are you staying out of trouble?” he asks, leaning back to look at me with a smile. He’s at the top of most of the boards, even after retiring so long ago. He’s the one you’re always competing to beat his records. My brother, Dylan, has beat a couple of them, but he still holds most of them and happily points it out every single time.
“Me?” I point at my chest. “I’m never trouble.”
“Please,” my uncle Matthew says, “didn’t you leave with the server?”
I scoff at him, putting my hand in the middle of my chest as if he hurt my feelings. “Uncle Matthew, you think I would sleep with a server who will be around for a whole week? That would be a rookie mistake. She’d follow me all week and cockblock me for everyone else.” I wink at him.
“I don’t know if I should be proud of what he just said or smack him upside the head,” my uncle Max ponders while my grandfather laughs.
“Well, either way, I win.” I look over to see Stone coming to grab some food. “I’m going to get some food.” I look over at the buffet. “Talk later.”
I walk a couple of steps to catch up with Stone. “You look tired as shit,” he says to me once he’s standing behind me at the buffet line, holding two plates in his hand.
“Yeah, I woke up being kicked in the balls by Payton, who thought it was a good idea.” I mention my nephew, who snuck into my room through the back door that I didn’t lock. I will never make that mistake again.
I load up my plate and start having lunch with my father and mother, and then thirty of us end up at the table. I get up when Dylan calls me to go with him in the water with his son, Maddox.
We’re walking on the hot sand when we spot Stone and Ryleigh in the water hugging. “I hope they aren’t banging in the water,” Maddox states, making me laugh. Stone looks over at us, and then he and Ryleigh walk out of the water.
“I have to put my phone down,” I tell my brother, who nods and continues into the water. I’m halfway to the chairs when I spot Stone, “Did you guys bang in the ocean?” I tease them. “No one wanted to send the kids in.”
Stone just gawks at me when the phone in my hand rings. “Why the fuck is Coach calling me?” I press the green button and put it to my ear, hoping like fuck I’ll hear him with all the background noise. “Hey, Coach.” I smile, putting one finger in the other ear.
“Christopher.” His voice cracks, and I see my uncles Matthew and Max rushing to get to me. I feel like the ground is spinning when I hear his next words. “I don’t know how to tell you this, but it’s Benji.” The bile rises from my stomach. “He’s gone.” The phone drops from my hand into the sand.
My hand goes to my mouth as the blood drains from my body. “Benji’s dead.”
Stone looks at me, his face going as white as mine feels. “What do you mean?” he asks, reaching down for the phone. “Hello,” he says into the phone, “it’s Stone Richards.”
I hear the commotion around me, but all I can hear is the echo of my heart beating in my ears. I feel like the beach spins all around me. “I got him,” someone says, and I feel arms around me as I’m being carried off the beach. I look over and see some of the women with tears streaming down their faces. I don’t even know how I make it to my room, but I’m sitting in a chair while my sisters Gabriella and Abigail run around my room packing stuff.
“I think he’s in shock,” my father says beside me. I look over at Uncle Matthew, who types on his phone while Max talks on his. Stone stands in the back next to his father and the rest of my uncles, waiting in the wings for me to ask them to do something.
“What can we do to help?” Casey, Sofia’s grandfather, asks when he comes into my room.
“We’re getting him on a plane now,” Max tells Casey.
“The girls.” The words finally come out of my mouth, as I think of Koda and their girls. “How are the girls?” It’s the stupidest question I think I’ve asked in my life. How are the girls? How do you think the girls are? His girls are probably fucking devastated.
“From what I got”—Matthew comes to me and squats down in front of me—“Koda found him this morning unresponsive.”
I shake my head. “I spoke to him yesterday,” I say, trying to make sense of this. “It was Luna’s fourth birthday. He called to tell me thanks for the Barbie Jeep I bought her.” I look over when Abigail sobs, and Gabriella rushes over to her, putting her arm around her shoulders. My hands go to the top of my head. “This can’t be happening.”
I don’t know how I get dressed, but I’m walking up the steps to the plane forty-five minutes later. “I need to call Koda.” I look over at Stone, who hasn’t left my side since all of this happened. I reach into the back pocket of my jeans and pat it, but it’s empty. “My phone?” I say, looking around in a panic.
“I got it,” Stone assures me, handing it to me as Ryleigh boards the plane and sits in front of me.
“You guys don’t have to come with me,” I tell them. I pull up Koda’s name and see the last time we texted was right before the season ended when I asked her about stuff for the kids. I originally texted Benji, but he just brushed it off and said to ask Koda.
“What the fuck do I even say?” I look up at both of them.
“How about you just ask how she’s doing?” Stone suggests. “Or if she needs anything.”
“I can tell you right now how she’s doing. She’s probably devastated and in shock.” I look down at the screen.
“I don’t think you should text or call her,” Ryleigh says softly. “I think she’s going to be overwhelmed right now, and her main focus will be the girls. I think you get home and tomorrow morning you show up at her house.”
“That isn’t the worst idea,” I say, my foot moving up and down with nerves as the door closes.
“Uncle Matthew is meeting us there for the funeral,” my father shares. “It took everything in him not to jump on this plane.” There was no fucking way my father would have let me get on this plane without him. Even if I told him not to come, he would be on another plane right behind me.
I look out the window, listening to the two of them talk, my head swimming with all kinds of questions. My phone is blowing up in my hand with texts from teammates and other players in the league who knew how tight Benji and I were.
We got drafted in the same year and have been on the same team since. Fuck, I was the best man at his wedding. I was there for it all. Rain and Luna are like my nieces, and every game they would come to, I would throw pucks over the glass. Five hours in the air feels like a blur. When we land, an SUV waits to take us to my house. “Are you going to answer your phone?” Ryleigh asks when we get into the SUV. I was so lost in memories I didn’t even hear it ring.
I look down and see it’s Eddie, Benji’s dad, calling me. “Hello.” I answer the phone, my voice cracking, my heart breaking as I think of what he’s going through.
“Hey, son,” he says, his voice heavy, “I just got your message.”
I look down at my phone and pull up my messages, seeing I sent him a message to call me right away. A message I must have sent to him when everything was happening. “Eddie,” I start, my voice thick as I feel the tears on my face, “I’m so sorry.” The words are not enough. “What can I do to help?”
“We just left the funeral home…” He tries to hide his sobs. “I just left Koda at home.”
I put my head back on the headrest, closing my eyes. “How is she doing?”
“She’s a fucking rock—” he says, but then his voice goes lower. “I think she’s in shock.”
“I wanted to go see her and the girls.” I look out the window at the streetlights passing me by in a blur. “I’m on my way home now, but it’ll be after eleven.”
“She just took something to try to sleep. The girls are in bed with her,” he relays softly, “but it would be good if you came tomorrow.”
“I’ll be there as soon as you tell me I can be there,” I tell him. Fuck, I would sleep outside the house if I had to.
“Come around nine. We should all be at her house by then. I know Coach and a couple of the other guys will be coming in the afternoon.”
“Okay.” I inhale. “I’ll see you then.” I disconnect the line and look over at Ryleigh, who has her head on Stone’s shoulder. My father sits next to me, watching me more than anything else.
We pull up in my driveway, and I feel like I’m a robot just going through the motions. I dump my bags in the closet and take a shower. The whole night, I don’t sleep, not one wink, the guilt starting to sink in.
At six o’clock, I finally get out of bed and make my way downstairs to make coffee. “Having trouble sleeping?” my father asks three minutes after I’ve gone to the kitchen. I just nod. “Do you want me to come with you?” The lump in my throat feels like it’s clogging my breathing. All I can do is shake my head. “I’ll drive you, wait for you in the car.”
“I got it, Dad,” I assure him, and all he does is look at me. He looks like he hasn’t slept a wink all night. I go upstairs and get ready. Stone and Ryleigh haven’t woken up by the time I leave at eight thirty to make my way to Benji’s house.
My eyes feel like little pieces of sand are stuck under my eyelids as I walk up the four steps to the brown front door. I reach out, pressing the bell, hearing footsteps running to the door. “It’s Uncle Christopher!” Rain shouts from inside the house. “I saw out the window.” The door unlocks, and she swings it open.
“There is the prettiest six-year-old I’ve ever seen.” I put a smile on my face, and all she does is smirk at me before I bend down and take her in my arms. I close my eyes, trying to fight the tears. “How are you doing?”
“I’m sad,” she admits softly, and I don’t have a chance to say anything else as Luna comes running to the door.
“It’s Uncle Chrissy,” she says, jumping up and down, excited to see me. I’m really hoping she doesn’t remember the next couple of days.
“There is the birthday girl.” I open my arm for her to run into the other side of me before I pick them both up and walk into the house. You can feel the tightness, and the tension fills the rooms. Even with the curtains all open and the sun coming in, you feel the sadness through the walls.
“You guys are getting heavy.” I kiss their heads, walking from the front door to the family room. Eddie is there, his eyes bloodshot and puffy, no doubt from crying all night.
I put the girls down on their feet before walking over and hugging Eddie. “Thanks for coming,” he says, and I look around for Koda.
“Where’s Koda?” I ask.
“She’s in the basement going through pictures to give to the…” He doesn’t finish the sentence. “You can go down there with her. I’m going to take the girls out to my house for a bit. Change of scenery.”
I nod at him, turning and walking to the basement stairs. Benji used to call it his man cave. I put one foot in front of the other but don’t race to get down there. My heart rises to my throat as I make it to the bottom step. The room has his jerseys hung in glass boxes from the whole time he’s played. Hockey pucks are also on display from different points in his career. Pictures of him with different family members throughout the years, and then the one of him and me at the Winter Classic from two seasons ago. We froze our fucking asses off, and you can see our ears and noses are bright red.
I look around the room and don’t see Koda anywhere. Then I hear the door open from the side, and she steps out. Her brown hair is piled on top of her head; she’s wearing leggings with a white shirt. She stops mid step when she sees me, her eyes wet from crying, her nose also pink. “Hey,” I say, not sure if I should go to her or not. “Eddie said you were down here.” She comes into the room and stands facing me. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here before.”
“You’re sorry,” she practically hisses at me, and I can feel her anger. “I bet you’re fucking sorry.” Her chest rises and falls so much it’s almost as if she ran a marathon. “Good to fucking know.”
Her words shock me. “Koda,” I say softly, “what can I do to help?”
“What can you do to help?” She laughs, but it comes out in a sob. She holds up her hand when I step toward her, stopping me in my tracks.
“I don’t know, what can you do to help?” She shakes her head. “How about getting him some help?” She hisses out the words. “Don’t tell me you didn’t know something was wrong with him.” The words slice me right into the chest, and it feels like someone is twisting my heart and squeezing it all at the same time. “I bet the whole fucking team knew that something was wrong with him, but what did you guys do?” Her voice is low. “Not a fucking thing. You just ignored all the fucking signs. You guys had to have known.” She tilts her head to the side, her body shaking in anger and grief. “I mean, you spent more time with him than I did, and I fucking knew.”
“It wasn’t like—” I have no words left in me because she’s not fucking wrong. We knew there was something wrong with him. I knew he was off. I even tried to talk to him about it, but he blew it off. I should have persisted and made him listen to me. I should have done a lot of things.
“I found him,” she snaps. “I was the one who woke up and found him dead on my fucking couch while our girls slept upstairs!” She’s furiously wiping the tears away from her face as fast as she can, but they are coming out too fast. “Can you imagine if they saw him like that?” I try to take a step toward her, but she takes a step back. “Yeah, when you go to bed at night in your perfect little fucking world, you think of that.”
“Koda,” I whisper, begging to go to her and hold her. To let her know I’m sorry I didn’t do anything.
“You were his best friend.” She uses her fingers to do quotation marks. “You were there when we got married. When we had the girls, you were supposed to look out for him.” She shakes her head. “Get the fuck out of here, Christopher.”