17. Dakota
“Mom,” Rain calls me from the living room, looking over my shoulder at her as I rinse off the dinner plates, “is Uncle Christopher playing hockey tonight?”
Just his name makes my stomach flutter and then makes the bile crawl up my throat. “I think so.” I turn back around to make sure my daughter doesn’t see my face flushed with pink from embarrassment.
“Can we watch a bit of the game?” she asks, and I don’t turn around and look at her.
“I want to watch Uncle Chrissy too,” Luna whines from her side of the couch.
“Okay,” I agree, hoping she just goes back to whatever she was watching before she brought up Christopher.
It’s been three days since I last saw him or, better yet, since I threw myself at him. God, just thinking about it, and I wish the floor would eat me up. I couldn’t believe what I had just done. I couldn’t believe not only had I kissed him for the first time, and it was the kiss to end all fucking kisses. Christopher Stone”s kisses could make you forget your first name, which is what happened when he kissed me. I have never, and I mean have never, done anything remotely like that in my life. Never have I been that crazy for someone’s touch that I forgot where the hell I was. The way I begged him to touch me, I want to cringe every single time it replays in my head, which is a lot. He must think I’m so desperate.
I can’t explain or put into words how I felt afterward. I was ashamed, embarrassed, and most of all I wanted more. But nothing could top the guilt I felt, especially when he let my hand go. All the happy feelings I was feeling when it was just him and me and no one else was gone faster than I could blink my eyes. I wanted to rush out of there, but when I walked out of the bathroom, Brittany was there, so I had to pretend and it was so hard. Sitting next to him and feeling him so close made my heart pound in my chest, feeling like it was going to literally jump out of my chest.
I have avoided everything Christopher since then. He’s called every single night, but it goes straight to voicemail and he’s only texted once. I just can’t face him right now, or maybe ever.
“What channel is the hockey game?” Rain asks when I finally close the dishwasher some forty minutes later. My mind has been so spacey every single time I think back on that night, which is pretty much every single time I let myself do it. It usually happens when I’m driving the kids to school, when I’m cooking or cleaning, when I’m lying in bed at night, and most definitely in my fucking dreams. He’s everywhere yet nowhere at the same time.
“Let me check.” I dry my hands and walk into the living room, grabbing the remote. Once I find the channel, I click on it, and it’s a big mistake because there he is in the middle of my screen. The man who has made my knees weak. The national anthem is playing, and he’s on the ice of course. His helmet is off, and his hair looks like he just ran his hands through it. I know exactly what it feels like now, and my own fingers tingle to feel it again. His blue eyes look straight into the camera, making my stomach flutter.
“Uncle Christopher,” Rain cheers, clapping her hands.
With Luna following her, “Uncle Chrissy.”
Turning back around, I walk to the kitchen and open the fridge door, grabbing the open bottle of wine I started on Sunday, taking a glass out, and filling it halfway. If I have to sit down and watch the man of my dreams, yet a man I can’t ever have, I’m going to do it by having a glass of wine.
I curl my feet under me and decide that every time they show him on the screen, I’m going to take a sip of wine.
By the end of the first five minutes, my wineglass is empty. Or maybe it’s because my eyes automatically go to him if he’s on the ice. I wait until the end of the first period before I chase the kids up to bed. It’s a little past their bedtime, so they are asleep before their heads hit the pillows.
I start my nighttime routine, which gives me time not to think about anything, so I automatically think of Christopher. “What the fuck are you doing?” I ask my reflection in the mirror. “It’s Christopher. Hot Christopher, but still Christopher. It’s not like you didn’t find him good-looking before you made out with him and he went down on you.” I shake my head, turning away from the mirror and turning off the lights. I don’t bother turning on the television in my bedroom because I know I’ll turn it on to the game. “You can’t have him,” I tell myself as I fall asleep, thinking and dreaming only of him.
The next night I’ve just closed the dishwasher when there is a knock on the door. “Go and grab the game you guys want, while I get the door.”
Walking to the door and not bothering to see who it is, I unlock the door and then I see him standing there. He’s wearing jeans and a thick, blue knitted sweater, his head down but it lifts up when the door opens. His eyes stare at me. “Hey,” I say softly, stepping out of the door, not wanting my girls to hear this exchange in case it gets heated.
“Hey.” He moves to the side for me to stand out with him. “I didn’t think you would answer.”
“Well, you knocked on my door at six o’clock.” I cross my arms over my chest to try to keep warm with the wind blowing.
“Yeah.” He laughs nervously. “I was hoping that.” He uses one of his hands to grip the back of his neck. “Listen, Koda.” He uses my nickname, and I suddenly hate it, especially after that I heard him call me Dakota. “I’m so, so sorry,” he starts, and something inside me cracks a touch.
“You don’t have to say anything.” I hold up my hand. “Really, if we can both forget what happened.” His eyes change before my eyes, and his jaw gets tight. “I should never have.” I don’t say the words because they would be a lie, and I’ve never actually lied to him before. “We shouldn’t have. We can totally forget that it even happened. No one but us has to know.” I pinch the inside of my arm, saying those words.
“Fuck that,” he snaps. “I wanted to kiss you. I’m not ever going to say we shouldn’t have.”
“But you just said you’re sorry,” I point out to him. He’s about to say something when the door opens, and I hear squeals.
“Uncle Chrissy!” Luna shrieks and launches in the air for him. “You came to visit.” She puts her hands on his shoulders. “We watched the hockey, and you said two bad words.” She holds up two fingers.
His eyes suddenly light up with her. “I did?” he deadpans, rocking her back and forth. “Did I really?”
“You did. You said motherfucker and piece of shit,” Luna recites, and I gasp.
“Luna, don’t you ever.” She looks over at me, like she didn’t say them and she just told him what he said.
“You know what, I shouldn’t have said those words,” he says to her, “and I don’t think you should say those words either.”
“Okay,” she replies softly, playing with the neckline of his shirt, “I won’t.”
“Mom.” The door opens, and Rain comes out. Her eyes light up as if the whole cast of Disney showed up at her door. “Uncle Christopher.” She goes to him, and he bends to take her in his arms also. “Are you coming to play board games with us?”
“Um—” I start to say because I would really like for him not to be close to me at this moment.
“Yes,” he answers, ignoring the way I said um, “I was hoping I would get to spend time with you guys.”
He takes the two of them and walks into the house, as if I’m not the one who is in charge of said house. “Christopher,” I call to the back of his head, my eyes roaming to his ass and I have to think if I touched it at all. I mean, I know I touched his junk and that man is packing. “You really don’t have to stay.”
“Oh, I know.” He puts the girls down. “But I want to.” He tilts his head to the side. “That’s okay, right?”
“I want Uncle Chrissy to stay,” Luna declares from beside him, grabbing his hand in hers.
“I want Uncle Christopher to stay also.” Rain follows her sister’s lead and puts her hand in his other hand.
“Looks like I got the votes to stay.” He looks down at the girls. “So what are we playing first?”
“Uno!” they both shout at the same time, turning and running to the living room.
“Christopher.” I stand in front of him, my chest rising and falling as I just take him in. Wishing he didn’t look so good or that I didn’t want to jump him right here in the entranceway of my house while my daughters are in the other room. I mean, I wouldn’t jump him jump him, but I would definitely let him kiss the shit out of me.
“What’s the matter, Dakota?” he says my full name, and I swear my knees almost buckle. “It’s okay if I stay, you know, since we can forget what happened, right?” He uses my words against me. “We can do that, right?” His voice is soft. “Just pretend nothing happened.”
“Yes,” I hiss out at him, “and stop calling me that.”
“Why?” He smirks at me, and I swear I get wet. “It’s your name.”
I’m about to tell him that maybe tonight isn’t a good idea when Rain runs back to us. “Come on, guys.” She grabs Christopher’s hand and pulls him with her. His eyes shine bright blue while he takes one look at me before turning back and walking to the family room.
I look up at the ceiling and wonder how to get him out of my house. When Rain and Luna both shout my name, I walk into the family room and see them sitting on the floor. The cards are in the middle of them and there is a spot open next to Christopher and next to Luna. “Saved you a spot,” Christopher informs me.
Taking three steps to them before I sit down and crisscross my legs, my knees touching his lightly. I try to move away, but he moves with me. The whole game, I try to ignore that he’s touching me, then he even moves his hands down his legs to his knees as his fingers graze mine. It’s like his hand sends electric shocks through my body. By the end of the game, I have to step away. “You guys play. I’m going to go and make lunches,” I lie through my teeth.
I rush away from him to the kitchen. The three of them play again, and the game is very animated. I can’t help but look up from the kitchen a couple of times to see that they are all laughing at something. “It’s time for bed and a bath.”
“Can Uncle Christopher tuck me in?” Rain asks.
“If it’s okay with Mom.” He avoids looking at me.
“Can he?” she asks, and I just nod.
They each take his hand, pulling him upstairs. “I got them,” he tells me. “Relax, for once.”
“Yeah, right,” I mumble to his retreating back. I feel like I’m a firework that’s been lit on fire but hasn’t exploded yet. I put away the lunch things before wiping down the island again for the third time.
I hear him walk down the steps and look up to see him coming into the kitchen. “They are waiting for you to kiss them good night.”
I nod and walk over to him, stepping toward the staircase. “I’m going to head out.” He stops at the base of the stairs. “Come and lock the door,” he urges softly, and I follow him to the door as he pulls it open. “Thank you for tonight.” He stops and turns back to face me. “For answering the door and letting me stay.” It feels like he’s going to advance toward me, and I hold my breath, thinking he’s going to kiss me. I don’t think I even take a breath. “I’ll see you soon, Dakota,” he says right before he steps out, and the door closes behind him.