23. Frankie
TWENTY-THREE
Frankie
“Cheers to you nailing yet another interview.” Mattie held up a glass of wine and clinked it against mine.
The red blend was dry and instantly sent a buzz straight to my head.
I’d finally had my next round of interviews with the company in New York. While they had gone well, I had convinced myself that I had managed to mess something up, and I wouldn’t make it to the next step. My anxiety had been for nothing because they had called me this morning inviting me to move on to the next round. The competition was dwindling, but that just meant it was getting all the more competitive.
When I’d told Mattie, she’d insisted on a girls’ night to celebrate. I felt a little pang of guilt knowing that I’d actually called Oliver first and hoped to celebrate with him, but when Mattie had mentioned going out just the two of us, I couldn’t say no. Oliver and I had been spending a lot of time together lately, and I hadn’t seen Mattie as much. If I was leaving Key Ridge soon, that would also mean significantly less time with my sister. I wanted to enjoy our proximity while I still had the chance.
We’d driven ten minutes to a new speakeasy bar that served overpriced cocktails in a dim setting. It was trendy and definitely had a cool vibe, but after spending so much time at Marie’s, it lacked a certain charm.
“Thanks. It’s still not an offer though, so let’s not jinx it,” I said, placing my glass in front of me.
“Having confidence isn’t jinxing anything,” Mattie insisted.
“Still.” I knocked twice on the wooden table. “I’d rather not take any chances. I still have the case study too,” I pointed out. That was about to be a shitload of work and practice presenting. I was a little irritated they weren’t paying me for my work, but at the same time, in this market, I was a beggar and I couldn’t afford to be a chooser.
Mattie twisted her glass of wine between her fingers and examined me. “You seem excited,” she observed, almost in a surprised tone.
My eyes narrowed. “Why wouldn’t I be?” I questioned.
She shrugged and took a sip. As if I was about to let that little comment slide through the cracks.
“No seriously,” I pressed. “Answer the question. Why wouldn’t I be excited?”
“You seem so happy here,” Mattie said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
“I am happy. I’ve loved my time here, and spending time with you and Giles?—”
“And Oliver,” she finished, cutting me off.
“Right. And Oliver,” I said, feeling my cheeks burning.
She sipped her wine and set it back down. “You don’t meet guys like him often.”
Mattie was driving me nuts lately. It was like she was trying to leverage my feelings for Oliver to get me to stay or something. First off, I was not about to give up my career to move to a small town. And second, Oliver wasn’t staying either. He’d said it himself a hundred times. He wasn’t good with commitment.
“Oliver is great. Which is why I’ve been spending so much time with him.” I leaned in. “But you know what else he is? Supportive .”
Mattie sighed.
“He knows how much I want this and he wants it for me too,” I finished. “Besides. As soon as summer comes around, he’s off to teach some whitewater rafting course or something like that. We’re both moving on.”
Mattie frowned. “Tragic.”
I let out a frustrated huff. “It’s not tragic. People meet people all the time that aren’t meant to stay in their lives forever. Oliver and I are just enjoying this season together and that’s it.”
“Funny, I remember thinking something similar about Giles.” Mattie tapped her chin.
I took another swig of my wine. Why did this feel like some sort of love intervention?
“Just because you moved to a small town and met your soulmate doesn’t mean everyone will.”
Mattie’s face softened. “Frankie. I wish you could see the way he looks at you.”
Goosebumps pricked my arms.
“I see how he looks at me every day,” I said quietly.
“You might see it, but you’re not seeing it,” Mattie insisted. “Love is harder to find than a job.”
I almost choked hearing the word “love.”
“In this economy?” I arched an eyebrow. “I’m not so sure about that. ”
Mattie let out a groan of frustration. “You’ve always been so obsessed with being successful—whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean anyway. You had to get the best grades, then go to the best college, then find the right job, then buy a house because renting is throwing your money away.”
“It is throwing your money away,” I interrupted.
“I’ve seen you more alive this past month than I have in my entire life. You never take the time to just live.”
“Have you ever thought it’s because I’m trying to live up to you?” I snapped.
An awkward silence fell over the table.
She opened and closed her mouth a few times. “What are you talking about?” Mattie demanded. “I’ve never put pressure on you. And neither have Mom or Dad.”
My chest squeezed. “Maybe not intentionally, but you were always perfect, Mattie. In high school, all the boys wanted to date you. You barely studied and always got good grades. Then you got that amazing job right out of college without even trying.”
“I try,” she insisted, leaning in.
“Not as hard as me.” Tears pricked my eyes and I willed them to retreat back into my body. I refused to cry at happy hour. “Even this life you built here. When everything you had in Florida fell apart—and I’m sorry about that, I know how much that sucked for you—but even then, you moved here and met the love of your life. I’m not the one things come easy for. I’m the one that tries so painfully hard it’s pathetic. I’m not about to give up when I’m on the cusp of making it.”
Mattie squeezed her eyes shut, shaking her head. “You think I’m the perfect one? That’s how I’ve always seen you . You always got the better grades, had the better style, got the higher-paying job. You were better with money—smarter.” She waved her hand in the air. “And you’re wrong, I do try. I try a lot. Especially before I moved out here and finally decided to start appreciating my life.”
I sniffled and wiped at my eye.
“And second of all,” she continued. “There’s no making it when you don’t have an end goal in mind. You’re on this treadmill set at this insane incline, going nowhere. What you want will always be out of reach because you don’t know what it is.” Her eyes softened and she reached over to gently grab my arm. “Success is a word made up to make us feel like we’re failing. So take this job if you want to take this job. Move to New York if it’s what you really want. All I’m saying is that I’ve known you my entire life and I’ve never seen you laugh the way I’ve seen you laugh lately. I wish you’d take a second to think about what that means before you go off sprinting in the wrong direction.”
Mattie’s words sent my mind spinning. I felt lightheaded.
My first instinct was to deflect—to tell her that she was way off base and if I could actually land this job, it would be the best thing that could happen to me. The words twisted on my tongue. They were so mangled I couldn’t get them out.
“I’m laughing because of Oliver. He doesn’t take anything seriously,” I said finally. “And I seem happy because I’ve never had a break before.”
“Life shouldn’t be about tiny little breaks where you find happiness. The happy part should be the whole thing—or at least the vast majority of it. Trust me, I learned that the hard way.”
I snorted, thinking about where her life had almost landed her before she wound up here—the happiest I’d ever seen her. I remembered thinking when she was with her douchey ex, living so close to where we’d grown up, that there was so much more for her. I’d tried gently nudging her in different directions, but she’d always insisted she was happy. Was that what was happening now? Could Mattie see my life better than I could? Did she have that sisterly intuition that was screaming at her that I was making some sort of mistake?
I attempted to shake the doubt from my mind. “I don’t know what you want me to say. I want this job, Mattie. I’m so close to finally landing something, and I’m going to see it through.”
Mattie smiled, but the light didn’t touch her eyes. “Then I can’t wait to celebrate when you finally land it.”
Her words didn’t help the pit that had formed in my stomach. It wasn’t lost on me that all I wanted in that moment was to call Oliver, fall into his arms, and let him hold me until I felt whole again.
I was in dangerous territory.
Oliver was like this beautiful mountain lake that I’d seen while driving. I’d pulled over to take a quick dip. Except that dip was a little too luxurious and now I couldn’t quite imagine getting out and back into my car.
Was it nice? Sure.
But the reality was, I was going to get pulled under if I stayed in for too long. I would drown in how good it felt and never resurface again.
I had to do something about this. Putting any distance between the two of us felt impossible, but since I needed to let him go eventually, I might as well start peeling away now.