18. Lana
18
LANA
“ S o, today was kind of crazy, right?” I say cautiously as Beck sits at the kitchen table finishing his homework while I make their lunches. Holland is in the shower, and it’s the first time since we saw Mason that Beck and I have been alone.
He looks at me out of the corner of his eye. “I guess.”
All right then.
“I know your dad married your stepmom pretty quick but?—”
Beck snorts as he sets his pencil on his paper and looks at me. “Sheila is not my stepmom and she doesn’t like kids. She’s never there when we go see Dad.”
I blink and then blink again because excuse me?
“Where is she when you’re there?”
He shrugs. “With her friends, I guess. We don’t really talk about her.”
I refrain from rubbing the spot between my eyebrows where tension is starting to build. I couldn’t honestly care less about Sheila or what she does, but I do care how it affects my children, and I won’t let her or anyone else treat them as an afterthought.
“What do you talk about?”
“I dunno, Ma. He works a lot and we watch TV or play in the game room in the basement.”
Visions of my ex-husband telling the kids he ordered pizza and it’s on the counter as he retreats into his home office force me to swallow down the rage. This is not where I wanted this conversation to go.
“I wanted to apologize for the way you found out about Mason.”
“He’s your boyfriend.”
I lick my lips. “He is.”
“That’s why his hat was here,” he reasons. “Seems nice.” He shrugs and when I keep standing there, he looks at me and tilts his head to the side. “What?”
“I had a plan,” I say as I drop into the chair next to him and he grins. “I wanted to date him for a while—months probably—before you and Holland met him.”
“Why?”
“You and Holland mean everything to me, and I’m not going to introduce you to someone that doesn’t fit with us.”
“He’s nice to you.”
“He is.”
“And you’re happy.”
I open my mouth and then close it again before saying, “Why do you say that?”
“You smile more.”
The comment is simple but it hurts as much as it makes my heart soar. I am happy, but it seems like I’ve done a pretty terrible job hiding the unhappy from my kids.
“So, you’re okay with maybe having Mason over for dinner? Or meeting him somewhere for ice cream?”
“Yeah.” I keep staring at him because I was expecting more pushback—more something. “What? You’re being weird,” he says with a laugh as he bumps my chair with his foot.
Standing, I drop a kiss on the top of his head, and he doesn’t even push me away. What is going on here?
“Think he’ll throw the ball around with me?”
“Football?”
Beck rolls his eyes as the shower turns off.
Perfect timing.
“Yeah, I think so. I mean you can definitely ask.”
“Cool.” Beck nods and turns dutifully back to his homework, his head bopping around as he scribbles on the paper. He’s so grown and still my little boy. It’s a strange place to be, a place I thought Jacob and I would navigate together.
All the dreams we had.
But had they been ours? Or had they been his? Or mine?
Maybe it was unfair to look at the present and compare it to the past, but cheating aside, Jacob and I had outgrown each other. However, I’d definitely gotten the better deal out of the two of us at the end.
“Mama, can you brush my hair?” Holland says, her pajamas stuck to her body because she still doesn’t dry herself all the way before putting them on.
“Sure, Baby.”
“When’s Mason coming over? Does he live here? How old is he? Does he like dogs? Do you think he’d like Noodle?”
“His hat was here, Holland. He’s met Noodle,” Beck delivers with a whole lot of sass I’m not ready for him to wield. Holland just sticks her tongue out as I type out a text.
LANA: Beck wants to know if you’ll throw the football around with him
MASON: Of course
His immediate answer has me smiling because Jacob would have to check his schedule. Or have his secretary check his schedule.
His wife.
Heh.
I snicker and wow. For the first time since my marriage imploded, I’m okay . Better than okay.
And I’m thankful I’m no longer just going through the motions in a loveless marriage I was too scared to leave. But I did leave.
I made it.
LANA: Holland has about 5784938 questions for you so—just warning you (laughing face emoji)
MASON: I’ll have to think of some good ones to ask her back
MASON: Maybe some animal facts
MASON: Or stuff about the ocean—cool shit lives in the ocean
LANA: You have no clue how much she’d love that
MASON: I know today wasn’t what we planned but I’m excited to get to know them.
MASON: Also the timeline is on you. Just because we met at the store doesn’t mean we need to jump into it all at once.
LANA: Thank you for saying that. I’m…processing I think
LANA: Even though it felt good not to hide
LANA: Also leave it to my kid who can’t find his shoes to spot your hat and recognize it
MASON: Priorities
LANA: That gives me zero hope for his teenage years
MASON: He’ll be fine
LANA: I know
MASON: Text me before you go to sleep?
LANA: Sure
MASON: Can’t wait
LANA: xoxo
Jacob’s name pops up on my screen, and without hesitation, I swipe the message and send it directly to the trash. I’ve let him take enough of my joy, and after the whirlwind of the last few weeks, I’m going to allow myself to bask in the good that happened today and the hope for this new adventure Holland, Beck, and I are about to embark on.