Chapter 22
KENSEY
He drove north on PCH and I immediately knew where he was going. His hand rested easily on the steering wheel. His elbow rested on the console between us. I turned back to the window and watched the coastline pass. I couldn’t wait to see it. I hoped we’d be there long enough to see the sunset.
He turned onto a narrow two-lane road that climbed into the hills. There was no signage and no reason to take it unless you already knew it was there. The pavement was cracked in places. The scrub brush pressed in close on both sides. It was one of those places that only a few locals knew about.
The road curved upward and the view opened on the left side.
He pulled into the small flat turnout at the top and cut the engine.
I couldn’t wait to see the view. I had missed this place more than I realized.
I never actually forgot about it, but it had just fallen into the memory banks and been ignored.
I got out of the car. The air up here was different. The elevation pulled in a breeze that didn’t make it down to the coast. It smelled like dry grass and something faintly floral that I had never been able to identify. I’d asked Drew about it once, years ago, and he’d said it was probably sage.
“Have you been coming up here?” I asked him.
“Nope. Not since the summer you left.”
I liked that. It was our spot only to be enjoyed together.
I stood at the edge of the turnout and looked out over the ocean, feeling sixteen years old. A million memories came flooding back to me. Just standing there again melted away so much stress. Drew came to stand beside me. He reached down and took my hand.
I loved Drew Blackwell. I had loved him since he sat down next to me at a lunch table when I felt so out of place. He made me feel seen and valuable. He made me feel like I was worthy.
This place was where it went from love to in love.
From the start, I’d loved him the way you loved a person who was important to you.
When our friendship began, it had been companionship.
Someone to eat lunch with. We hung out on weekends.
I always felt so special he chose to spend his time with me because I knew he could be doing a thousand other things.
But he chose me.
“Let’s sit,” he said. “Unless you’re afraid of getting your butt dirty.”
“My pants are secondhand. I’m not afraid of them getting dirty. Your fancy pants might get ruined.”
He laughed and sat down. “Good thing I work at a clothing store.”
“Of course. Right.”
“Remember we used to come out here and watch the sunset,” he said.
“How could I forget? This was where we made plans for the future.”
I smiled thinking about all the serious conversations we had while staring up at the stars. I couldn’t even begin to count the number of hours we spent at our spot. It had been our little sanctuary from the rest of the world, where the two of us could be ourselves.
We were two kids growing up and trying to figure out the world and life and the future.
I remembered when I told him I had finally made the decision to become a teacher.
He had seemed happy for me but I realized he was also disappointed because he didn’t know what he wanted.
His only plan was to make his own way in the world and not ride his parents’ success.
That wasn’t exactly a life plan.
He shifted, stretching his legs out in front of him, and patted his thigh in that easy, wordless way that meant lie down. Without hesitation, I stretched out on my side in the dry grass and settled my head in his lap, looking out at the water below. The sun was still above the horizon but dropping.
His fingers found my hair almost immediately. Just his hand resting there and then slowly moving through the ends of it like it was the most natural thing in the world. Like we’d done it a thousand times. We hadn’t. But it felt like we had.
I stared out at the ocean and let myself breathe.
This was the version of Drew that nobody else got.
I knew that with a certainty that had nothing to do with arrogance and everything to do with years of evidence.
The public Drew was polished and charming.
He could work a room without breaking a sweat.
The public Drew was adored by the masses.
The professional Drew was focused and demanding in the best way.
But this Drew was completely at peace. He let the mask fall away.
I’d known that years ago. I had seen him in school and how he was around the other guys.
He protected himself. When it was just the two of us, he smiled more.
He laughed. He didn’t care what his hair looked like or if he said something that made him look silly.
I had always known I was his safe person. We talked about it all the time. We joked about being each other’s person. If either of us went to jail, we’d call the other. If we were in the hospital, we’d demand the other get to hold our hand regardless of whether the staff said we could be there.
I closed my eyes and thought about fifteen-year-old Kensey Blake. Eating lunch alone for the first three weeks of school because she hadn’t yet made friends.
And then one humid day in September, Drew Blackwell put his tray down across from her like it was nothing. Like there was nowhere else he’d considered sitting. She’d been so startled she’d knocked over her orange juice and he’d helped her clean it up without making her feel stupid about it.
She would have done backflips if she knew she’d end up here. Little Kensey would have absolutely lost her mind to know one day she’d end up in Drew’s lap with his fingers in her hair.
I smiled thinking about it.
“Can I ask you something?” he said.
“Mm.”
“Have you ever thought about moving back?”
I didn’t answer right away. “Yeah,” I said finally. “I’ve thought about it.”
His fingers kept moving. “But?”
“But I love my job.” I shifted slightly, looking out at the water.
“I know that sounds like an excuse. But I really do. I love the kids. Some of them come in on the first day of school and you can already see it. The ones that nobody’s paying attention to.
The ones eating lunch alone.” I paused. “I know what that feels like.”
“I know you do.”
“And I feel like I’m doing something real there. I’m not curing cancer. But I’m showing up every day for kids who need someone to show up. I’ve had students come back two, three years later and tell me I helped them.” I shook my head. “That’s not nothing.”
“It’s not nothing,” he agreed. “That’s everything.”
I stared at the horizon for a moment. “What about you?”
“What about me?”
“Have you ever thought about the east coast? New York is right there. Half your family is in New York.”
He was quiet for a beat. “I mean. I’ve thought about it.”
I turned my head to look up at him. “Really?”
“I’m not against it in principle,” he said. “I’ve spent enough time in New York that I know I could live there. It’s a good city. The cousins make it easy.” He looked down at me. “But.”
“But?”
He gestured loosely toward the water below us. “I can’t do it. I need the ocean. Not the Atlantic. This ocean. I tried to explain that to Sebastian once and he looked at me like I’d told him I wanted to buy a unicorn.”
I laughed softly. “He’s a New Yorker. He doesn’t understand.”
“He really doesn’t.” Drew looked back out at the water. “And now with the store, I’m pretty well anchored anyway. I can’t exactly manage a Beverly Hills shop from a brownstone in Manhattan.”
“You really like that job,” I said.
He considered that. “I like that I’m building something with my family, yeah.”
“I never expected that,” I said honestly. “No offense.”
“None taken. I didn’t expect it either.”
I sat up slightly, resting my weight on one elbow so I could see his face better. “Seriously though. You. Managing a store. When we were seventeen and you were talking about making your own way, I don’t think either of us pictured you behind a desk signing off on vendor invoices.”
He laughed. “God, no. But after I made a few good investments after high school, I built a fortune that could last three lifetimes. Once I accomplished that, I just drifted around.”
“Oh, I remember all the pics you would send me on your yacht. Living a life of leisure.”
He nodded. “It was fun for a while, but I needed something to do with my time, something that felt productive. Callum was overseeing the construction on the store and I just jumped in to help here and there. And it felt good, you know?”
“I do,” I said. “It’s nice to feel like you’re making a difference, even if it’s just lending your brother a hand.”
“Yeah. So, it’s not that I dreamed about managing a store my whole life.
But it turns out I like building something with family.
Which is crazy since Dad would love for me to work with him at the studio.
This is different for me. I don’t know. I just like watching the store do well because of decisions I made. ”
The sun was dropping lower now. I was suddenly aware of how quickly time was passing. Another sunset. Another day of summer gone. Another day closer to having to leave him.
I didn’t know what we were. I knew what it felt like to have his hand in my hair and how good it felt to be in his arms. I knew what he tasted like.
And I knew I didn’t want to stop.
“There it is,” Drew said quietly when the sky turned a brilliant gold.
We watched the sun sink toward the horizon. Neither of us said anything. It was basically a religious experience. Talking would have ruined it.
When the last of the sun disappeared, he looked at me. I saw it. I saw the desire. He leaned down and I met him halfway.
The kiss was unhurried. Nothing like the urgency in his office. His hand cupped the side of my face. I reached up and curled my fingers around his wrist, not pulling him closer, just holding on.
When we broke apart, the stats were shining brightly above us.
“Let’s go home,” he said.
I didn’t ask which home he meant. I already knew.
He held my hand on the drive back to his place. I placed my other hand on top of his. We had a lot to work out, but for now, I was happy to live in the moment. The end of summer would come whether I stressed about it now or in thirty days.
He parked in his garage.
“Hungry?” he asked as we walked into the house.
“Not for food.”
He laughed. “That a line from one of your books?”
“I can’t repeat what’s in those books.”
Drew’s eyes bored into mine. “How about you just show me then?”
“I think I could be persuaded to try out a few things I’ve read about.”