Chapter 5
Chapter Five
TRISTAN
One thing that has never bothered me is what people think of me. I don’t give a shit. Giving those things attention holds you back in life. That used to be the case. Then the Swans came into my life.
A big part of why I got paired up so often with Victor was because we’d gotten along, and I did care what he thought and often took his advice.
He was a father to me in a way that I’d never had.
Parents aren’t all that great in the upper social circles.
They hire people to do those things. Children are accessories that you use even into adulthood.
With Victor, it was different. He gave a shit. Not because it would help him or a million other reasons; it was because he did actually care. The way he always talked about Lily gave me a glimpse into how normal families operate with each other. It was foreign to me.
Hell, the L word wasn’t used much in my life growing up. It was said in front of others because that was expected. You pretended to be this family and upheld an image. The reality was a stark comparison.
Victor didn’t pretend shit. Lily doesn’t either. She wears her heart on her sleeve and says what’s on her mind. Lily would be pissed if I told her that. She believes she’s a tough cookie. I think because she thought she should be. Her father sure as hell was.
Now I find I care what Lily thinks of me. Right now, she’s ignoring me with her arms folded over her chest, staring out the plane window at the endless sky. I don’t know how to fix this. I’ve never wanted to try before.
She’s still fiery with me. I do have this fear that indifference could soon slip into its place. I should want that. It might make it easier to keep my hands off her. I ball them into fists, then flex them.
There isn’t any business I need to travel for. I made it up. I was too on edge to stay put. I don’t care for uncertainties. I need to know who she is speaking with, and while Killian finds the answer, we’ll be on a whole other continent.
I watch her, unable to pull my eyes away.
This is another reason I tend to keep space and spend less time with her.
I have no self-control. It gets harder and harder for me to rein in my obsession with her.
For me not to touch her or kiss her smart-ass mouth when she’s being a brat.
I continue to blankly stare at her, but I know change has to come.
This would have been a time I would have asked Victor for advice.
He’d tell me to keep my hands and dick away from his sweet, innocent daughter.
Which she is. Lily talks a big game and has a filthy mouth.
But that’s where the toughness ends. She doesn’t lash out either, until recently, and it’s directed at me.
It’s deserved. I know I’m being a dick for keeping her locked away, but what’s the alternative?
We both know what lingers in the air between us that we don’t say. She is my captive. There is no other way to put it.
“Are you going to ignore me the whole flight?” I break the silence; it’s become unbearable, eating away at me slowly.
“I don’t have anything to say.”
“That’s a first.” That has her swinging her head toward me and flipping me the bird. I fake an annoyed expression, making her smirk. I’ll take it. Any time I can get a reaction from her is a plus.
“I don’t understand why I had to come with you.”
“You didn’t used to mind traveling with me.” It had only been a few times, but she enjoyed it. I cut it off because she was too tempting. I shouldn’t have. It doesn’t matter where she is. Lily is always a temptation to me.
“Things change.”
“You wanted to travel,” I remind her again.
“You’re just going to shove me in a hotel room while you go do whatever it is you need to.
That’s not what I had in mind when I said I wanted to travel.
Thanks for ruining it for me.” Her words hit their mark.
I shouldn’t let them, but I honestly hate when she’s unhappy.
My intention is never to ruin anything for her.
I don’t have a plan. This is all very last second, fly by the seat of my pants, which is not like me at all. I’m not a knee-jerk reaction person. I plot and predict before I make a move. This time I responded in fear, which is never good.
I could tell myself it wasn’t fear but worry, but lying to myself hasn’t helped me when it comes to Lily.
“We can do things if you like. Make a list.”
“I don’t need pity hangouts.” She rolls her eyes at me. “Maybe I could have real friends if I were allowed to go out and meet people.”
“What about friends from school?”
Lily stares at me with a dead expression, and I know I’ve missed something big. Even before she can say it, it’s already hitting me. I’m a fucking moron.
“I didn’t fit in. If you haven’t noticed, I’m not like the other girls in your world.”
“You’re the only girl in my world.” Everything is work and Lily. I’m incapable of handling much else.
As of late, work has been slipping through my fingers. I would never allow that to happen, but there are a lot of things I believed I’d never allow before Lily. She has a way of making me change my own rules.
“Sasha—”
“I suppose.” I have known Sasha for as long as I can remember. We grew up together. I tolerate her out of courtesy for my mother. I told my mother after she begged me to hire her that this was it. I’m not doing any more favors regarding Sasha.
The girl doesn’t need a job. She’s a trust fund kid. I assign her the simplest tasks, yet she still cannot complete any of them without asking me countless questions. I always end up handing over her task list to Joey to handle for me. That way he can fix any fuck-ups Sasha makes.
“Speaking of. How was your dinner last night?” Lily asks with an annoyed smirk. Is she upset we didn’t have dinner together? I thought she would be thankful with how her mood has been. That gives me a measure of relief.
“It was fine.” It wasn’t fine. I had dinner in my office while going over details for today and hounding Killian for updates, which he has none. In fact, his responses have been rather vague or non-existent most times. That also has me on edge and in super overprotective mode when it comes to Lily.
“Whatever. I really don’t give a crap anyway. I’m sure Sasha will make sure I hear all about it when I get back.” Her response gives me pause. They don’t hang out, which circles me back to her schooling.
“Were you getting bullied?”
“By Sasha?”
“What? No.” I shake my head. “At school.”
“What does it matter?” she tosses back at me while pulling out her e-reader. I hate that thing most days. It gets her undivided attention which I’m always seeking. I had to ban it from meals. Yes, I’m jealous of a fucking device.
I see the way that thing makes her smile, and I hate it. I’ve thought about breaking it more times than I’m willing to admit. It’s one of the only things that makes her happy these days, and that’s the only reason it’s not in the garbage.
“It matters.” I’ll find out each of their names and ruin their families one by one. I don’t give a shit if it was stupid high school bullshit. Nothing is stupid when it comes to Lily. The whole point is to protect her, but I didn’t know about this bullying.
“They tried to bully me.”
“I had no idea.”
“Really?” She sets her reader back down beside her. “Then why did you have me do my last year of school at home?”
That’s what she believed? It explains why she’d never asked me about it. I was thankful back then because it has been twofold. It was a mix of jealousy that others got to spend their whole days with her, and my paranoia. Keeping Lily all to myself went beyond my obsession that never stops growing.
“I simply thought it would be easier for you.” It’s a bullshit, lame answer, but it’s all I can come up with on the fly. If I tell her the truth, then she really will try to get away from me, and she’ll always push for answers.
Lily’s father’s killer has never been found. She believes it was a heart attack. It was tied up in a bow for the rest of the world, but that wasn’t the truth. I don’t see a reason anyone would go after her, but I take no risks when she’s involved.
This world wouldn’t be the same without her.
The sun would no longer rise, and everything would fall into darkness.
I know this to be true because I lived it before she fully entered my life.
This beautiful, delicate flower has already given me so much without even knowing.
She changed me completely and wasn’t even trying.
“Did you ever think to ask me what I wanted?” She has me there. I hate the hurt I hear in her voice that she tries to hide. I tend to be impulsive when it comes to her. I thought I was doing what was best. “Oh, that’s right. You don’t give a crap because it’s always about what you want.”
“I’m sorry,” I tell her. What else is there to say?
“No, you’re not.”
In that, we agree.