Chapter 3
Oliver
Exhausted after my first day back, I order pizza for dinner. The delivery wait time is fifty minutes, so I grab Cazaly’s lead, much to his delight.
“Come on boy, let’s go.” I grab the ball launcher and we head down to the local park, a short five-minute walk from home.
When we get there, I let Cazaly off his lead.
He's well-trained, but it took some time and effort to get him there.
I start launching the ball, watching him race off to fetch it before quickly returning to do it all over again.
He never gets tired of chasing that ball.
Once I settle into the motion, my mind wanders, returning to Huxley. He's all I’ve thought about all afternoon.
I really enjoyed spending time with him at lunch.
When he told me he was gay…well, a part of me liked hearing that.
Truth be told, I’ve experienced this once or twice before.
Okay, I confess, I know I was feeling attraction.
Fuck, I’ve even acted on it—kissing a couple of guys when I was drunk at uni parties.
But that’s as far as it ever went. I didn’t have the desire to go any further.
I’ve always put those experiences down to being drunk and curious.
Not that being gay is a big deal. I’ve seen Koa making out with guys, and the fact that I never wanted to be with him romantically led me to the conclusion that I’m completely straight. Because I love Koa, and, if I were seriously attracted to men, he’d be the perfect guy for me. Right?
But Huxley is cute. There’s no other way to describe him with those big, green, overthinking eyes and wild, curly blonde hair. Huxley seems vulnerable and real, but I also get the impression he wouldn’t take shit from anyone either.
To make matters worse, I can’t stop wondering if I’m Huxley’s type. Perhaps it’s arrogant of me to think that way. Just because Huxley is gay doesn’t mean he would be interested in me. And what if I kissed Huxley and hated it? He doesn’t deserve to be my Great Big Gay Experiment.
But I’m not gay. Because I like women, and I’ve been with my fair share of them. I’ve always enjoyed it. The sex with Audrey was good.
This is so idiotic. I don’t even know what to do with a guy. Just the thought of sex with a man makes my body flush with fear. Of course, I know theoretically what to do, but I can’t imagine ever bottoming. That’s gotta fucking hurt.
I scrunch my face up just as my neighbour walks past with his dog.
“Everything okay, Oliver?” Harry asks.
My face burns as if he’s just read my mind. “Yes, yes! Totally fine, Harry. Nice evening to walk the dog.”
“It certainly is. Enjoy your night.”
“I will. You too.”
Checking my phone, I see the pizza delivery person is only a few minutes away. “Cazaly, come on boy,” I call out.
By the time we arrive home, I’m trying to imagine what it would feel like to have sex with a guy.
With Huxley.
Surely it feels similar to being with a woman, just a different hole. I cringe; that's an awful way to put it. And that's if I’m topping. I would be topping, wouldn’t I?
Settling on the couch with the pizza, I realise I’m getting way ahead of myself.
Like, way ahead. If Huxley isn’t interested, then none of it matters, and if he is, then I need to think long and hard about what this is before I do or say anything.
If I’m possibly bi, then I should consider hooking up with some random dude rather than messing around with Huxley, who I have to see every day at work.
Jesus, I really need to speak to Koa.
After dinner and some TV, I make tomorrow’s lunch in my tiny kitchen, then give Cazaly a bone to chew while I’m on the phone.
Laying on the couch with my feet up, I place a pillow on my stomach and prop my phone against it.
It’s right on 10:30 PM, which means it’ll be 6:30 AM in New York. Koa will be awake. Just!
When his face appears on screen, he’s still in bed, staring at me with murderous intent.
“Oli, seriously? Thought we said 7:00.”
“And hi to you too. I’m sorry, I just really needed to talk.”
Koa’s expression softens immediately. He sits up, placing a couple of pillows behind him. “Hey, you okay? What’s happened?”
“It’s not bad or anything. I’m just…confused. Stressed. Mostly confused.”
“Okay, about what?”
I bite down on my bottom lip. “There’s this new teacher at school, and I’m not sure what I’m feeling.”
Koa rolls his eyes. “Just ask her out, man. If it doesn’t go well, who cares. It’s just one date, not a marriage proposal.”
“Um, yeah, that’s not the problem. This new teacher is a guy.” I screw up my nose and wait for Koa’s reaction.
Which turns out to be roaring laughter. He laughs so hard his phone shakes like there’s an earthquake in New York City.
“Koa, it’s not that funny! Come on, man. I’m stressing out here.”
“Alright, alright.” Koa slowly exhales and attempts, but fails, to put on a serious expression. “Okay, so you just met this dude today and you’re feeling what? You cracked a boner? Or is it love at first sight?” Koa grins, eyes sparkling.
“Stop it. You’re the last person on the planet who should be making fun, mister I’m-in-love-with-Ashton-Harrington! Don’t even bother lying to me, we both know you chose New York because he’s there. Have you met him yet?”
“Nope! He’s still guesting at the Royal Ballet in London. But this isn’t about me. Stop changing the subject. Did you get a boner?”
“No! I just got that feeling. My body was a little hot, and I don’t how to explain it. He’s cute. I liked him—as a person—straight away. We had lunch together and I keep thinking about him. Fuck, I sound like a twelve-year-old.”
Koa studies me for a moment. “Oli, what’s this really about? You’ve kissed guys before and didn’t freak out.”
“But those times didn’t feel like this. When I kissed those guys, it wasn’t good or bad. It was just something I tried in the moment. This is different. I’ve been imagining what it might feel like to kiss him and what sex might be like with a man. What do you think that means?”
“I think it means you’re sexually attracted to this guy. Maybe romantically, too. What’s his name?”
“Huxley. But what if I make a move and hate it?”
Koa rolls onto his side, repositioning his phone. “I’m sure you’ve kissed a girl before and there were no sparks. It’s exactly the same.”
“I guess. But it’s more complicated with a colleague. Imagine having to see that person every day after rejecting them.”
“So weigh up the pros and cons. Get to know him as a friend first. Then, if you still feel the same, ask him out on a date. But, Oli, tell me straight, are you uncomfortable about possibly being queer?”
“Fuck no!” I say, shaking my head. “But it’s scary. I’m twenty-three and I thought I knew who I was. But what if I don’t? What if I have to rethink my entire identity? What if I’m shit at gay sex? What if bottoming frightens the fuck out of me?”
Koa muffles a laugh. “Oli, slow down, you’re spiralling. Who says this Huxley guy is even interested in you? Take it one day at a time. And, as far as sexual preferences, that’s something you can work out as you experiment, if that’s what you decide to do.”
“I guess so. Did you know your preferences before you had sex?” Koa and I talk about almost everything, but we’ve never gone into detail about our sex lives. Now it’s Koa’s turn to look uncomfortable.
“You want the honest answer?”
“Only if you wanna tell me.”
“I’ve hooked up with a fair few guys, but it was mostly hand jobs and blowies. I’ve only ever topped. But I think I’d like to try bottoming with the right guy.”
I’m a little shocked. I thought Koa had way more experience. “Hang on a minute,” I say, narrowing my gaze. “You’re not saving yourself for Ashton Harrington like some medieval virgin?” The look on Koa’s face says it all, and now it’s my turn to laugh my ass off.
“I am not! I’m not,” Koa keeps repeating as my phone tumbles off my chest and onto the floor.
“Whatever!” I say. I retrieve it and stare at Koa’s mortified face. “That’s kind of sweet, but fucking pathetic, too,” I tease. “You are a hopeless romantic, Koa Rivers.”
“So what if I am? But, seriously, are you okay, because I’ve gotta get moving. I wanna hit the gym before class.”
“I feel better now we’ve talked it through. You’re right—I’ll get to know him, take it one day at a time. Treat the situation the same as if he was a girl. It’s no different.”
“Good plan. Sleep well. I’ll call you in a couple of days.”
“Okay, see ya mate.”
I head to bed with plans to devour Huxley’s Insta like a fifteen-year-old.
It looks like Huxley has two close friends, Maddie and Lara, who appear to be a couple. He seems to like movies and reading, and he posts frequently about mental health, LGBT+ rights, and, if I’m not mistaken, vampire stuff. Wasn’t expecting the last one.
When I reach posts from around a year ago, there’s suddenly a lot of photos with another guy. Reading the comments and tags, I find out his name is Bradley. Bradley is tall and muscular—but not as built as me—and is moderately good-looking in an upper-class douchebag kind of way.
Huxley and Bradley look very cosy and comfortable with each other. There’s a photo of Bradley kissing Huxley captioned, ‘Best boyfriend ever!’ There’s another of them lying in bed in each other’s arms captioned, ‘Bradley never wants to get out of bed’, followed by laughing emojis.
Except, I’m not laughing.
Instead, I scroll back to more recent posts with an adorable black and tan dog. It looks like Huxley might also be a dog owner. Smiling, I suddenly know my next move and tap out a text.