Day 49 #2
Officer Jennings is a nice guy. Younger, probably in his midtwenties. Sitting in the car, he tells me Nadine will have to come to the station tomorrow to file actual charges. That until she does, he won’t have to take me in.
He drops me at the end of my driveway, and comes around the car to let me out.
Why? Because I’m a criminal who sits behind handle-less doors, that’s why.
Even though I know there’s only a 2 percent chance any of the parents would be awake at 4 a.m., I’m not risking it.
Not when I haven’t even figured out how I’m going to tell my parents that I’m going to potentially face criminal disorderly conduct charges.
My stomach twists again at just the thought of it.
I know in my heart that Nadine is going to press charges. She called the police. I think she would have done it then and there if Jennings had made it easier for her. The look in her eyes said she wanted to see me driven away in handcuffs.
And I want to be mad at her, but I’m madder at myself.
What was I thinking? Lurking around late at night, vandalizing homes?
This isn’t me. I could be kicked off of the swim team if I have a criminal record.
Oh my god. The thought comes to me like a flash of lightning, and right behind it come the tears.
By the time I reach the house, walking past the spot where the Marins’ car should be, my face is soaked. I am such an idiot. I risked everything I’ve worked for since I was nine, and for what? What would possess me to do something so stupid?
Asher.
Asher, who convinced me to turn my skills on someone else.
Who lured me into the idea that this was all for fun—that we’d be making a better choice this summer not tormenting each other.
Asher, who made me feel like he cared. Who wasn’t there tonight.
Who left me alone exactly when I needed him. Exactly when I needed him.
As I open the door to my quiet room, and wipe my hand across my damp face, I know, finally, that everything I feared might actually be true: Asher Marin pulled off the greatest prank yet. He was never my friend, or my boyfriend; he is and has always been my nemesis.
Asher
I’ve sent Sidney eight texts, and she hasn’t answered one of them.
But she’s read them all. Is it possible that her phone is dead and it’s just some sort of glitch?
Nadine’s yard was empty when I finally got back to the house.
I hadn’t expected to find my dad sitting at the kitchen table at 3 a.m. It would have been hard to explain why I was coming home that late just to leave with a giant bag of Saran Wrap.
Instead I pretended I was just getting in for the night, and then waited until he went to bed to climb out my bedroom window.
I have to admit I never imagined I’d be utilizing windows as much as I have this summer.
It was over an hour before I got back to Nadine’s, and I expected to find Sidney almost done with our fork mural—a giant hand, middle finger raised—but instead, I found nothing but the forks.
I look at my phone again and the string of texts.
And as I pass her bedroom door, a soft light filtering under the crack like her bedside lamp is on, I send one more.
It’s exactly the kind of thing I expect from Sidney, but it still feels off. I wish we were actually talking so I could figure out if she was being sarcastic or snarky. With her, there’s an important difference.
When there’s no snarky reply, I know deep in my gut something is wrong.
I send message after message, not even sure what I’m hoping to accomplish, but feeling like I’m fixing something.
Fix us? Inside the bathroom, I knock on her door, loudly once, then quietly, when I remember it’s the middle of the night and we shouldn’t be awake.
When I reach the dock she’s already there, waiting for me.
She’s bathed in a circle of light from the lamp pole next to the stairs, but otherwise it’s dark out here.
And silent. I wish it was going to stay that way, because I know the things we’re about to say aren’t going to be good; I can feel it in the way she’s looking at me as I step out onto the dock.
She doesn’t say anything, just stands there and looks at me, like she’s expecting something from me.
“What happened?”
No one rolls their eyes like Sidney. And this one is A+, it’s like her whole head rolls with it. “As if I have to tell you.”
“You do, because I wasn’t there. And I’m not a mind reader.”
There go the eyes again. “How’d you manage it? Did Lindsay help? Has she been in on it the whole time?”
Lindsay? “Excuse me? In on what?”
This time she doesn’t bother with her eyes and really does let her whole head do the job, throwing her head back before it comes forward again.
“For once, let’s own up to what we did, okay?
This isn’t Kool-Aid or contaminated shampoo, or even rotten fish.
This is disorderly conduct.” She practically screams the last two words.
“So you win. You win the whole summer. The last six years. You have trumped everything.”
I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around what she’s accusing me of right now. Of setting her up tonight; potentially getting her arrested. “You honestly think I spent all summer winning you over just so I could get you arrested? That was my big finale?”
“What am I supposed to think? You sprang tonight on me last minute. You conveniently forgot something and had to leave. You weren’t there when I had to face the music for everything we’ve done this summer.”
“And you have been looking for any excuse for us not to work right from the start. You’re scared of this working, and you’re scared of this not working, and you’re just … scared of everything.”
Sidney narrows her eyes at me and her head tips to the right, like she’s trying to get a better look at me. “You think you’re so brave, but how’s that letter going? Don’t tell me about being afraid when you can’t even talk to your own dad about a decision that affects your whole freaking future.”
“Sid, I just need you to try to see this rationally for two seconds, before you ruin everything.” And she is. I can feel all of the bricks I chipped away at this summer building back up around her.
“If I’m so irrational, so scared, so horrible—I’m not sure why you’d even want to be with me.”
I tug on my hair, because I sort of want to rip it out. I laugh at the absurdity of all this. “Maybe all the compromised food you’ve fed me over the years has eaten away at my brain.”
Sid crosses her arms over her chest and I know this look. Too well. This is her war face. I am the enemy, and she’s not backing down until she’s the victor. “And maybe all of the suspiciously nice things you’ve said to me all summer started to convince me you really were nice.”
“So I’m too nice now?” When I laugh it doesn’t sound like me, it sounds slightly deranged.
“I can’t win. You know, maybe you’ll wake up tomorrow and decide this was a horrible idea, but I don’t even care.
I guess you were right all along. This can only end one way.
It’s pretty clear that you’re not going to let it end the good way.
So for my sake, let’s just forget about this, okay?
Because you’re right, this isn’t the sort of thing we should get into if we’re not serious about it.
We don’t need to screw up our families for a summer fling. ”
“That’s what this was to you.”
I hate the conviction in her voice, like she believes it, or at least wants to. “It’s the opposite of what this was for me, but you’ve been convinced this couldn’t work right from the start, and I’m tired of trying to convince you you’re wrong.”
“So we agree.”
“No. We don’t.” I jab my finger at her. “You think this can’t work because …
well, for no reason really. You’ve just decided it won’t.
” I look out at the lake and back to her.
“I think this won’t work, because we’ve been together for a few weeks, and you still don’t trust me.
You keep trying to sabotage this. You’re looking for problems where there aren’t any, and you’re already one foot out the door.
” I pull on the hem of my T-shirt because I feel like I’m boiling over with angry energy.
“This is over, because even if I could talk you down from this, I don’t know how I can trust that you’re not going to do the same thing six months from now.
Or two years from now.” I take a step back on the dock.
“So”—I throw my hands up like Sidney has me at gunpoint, which is how it feels—“I surrender. You win, Sidney. It’s over.
Just like you knew it would be. So like always, your plan worked. ”