Chapter 3
Kalliope
ONE YEAR LATER
“When you first returned to me, you had just dyed your hair red, gotten some tattoos, and a couple of piercings. You had returned to your place of residence that you shared with your ex-boyfriend, spray painted the house that he was a cheater, and you had put up signs all over his yard and your neighbor’s yard that he was screwing your eighteen-year-old neighbor.
Then you slashed his tires and bust the windows out of his car, taking literally the song that you played in your car, to heart.
You stated that your family said, ‘We don’t know you anymore.
’ You have come a long way in the last year, Kalliope.
How are you feeling about the progress you’ve made?
” Dr. Jessica Norris, my therapist, asked.
“I’ve grown up a lot, and I’m just doing what feels good in the moment. It was difficult living my life doing what everyone else expected of me, and I never realized how oppressive that was. This is the first time that I’ve felt so free.”
“Do you believe their perception of you as the good girl was based on their expectations of you or who you projected yourself to be?”
“I think it was a combination of the two. My parents molded me into this image as the youngest, and they held me to it. I came to expect it of myself, took pride in it, and showcased it for people outside of our family. It was exhausting.”
She sighed and steepled her fingers under her chin.
“The first time you came to see me was almost ten years ago.
We worked for two years before we both deemed you were ready to be free.
You returned a little over a year ago, and you were once again stressed about something similar that brought you to me in the first place.
“As we talked, we discovered that you were having separation anxiety. The first time, your best friend left your life unexpectedly, and whereas you expected him to return soon after he left, he didn’t.
This time, you lost your job unexpectedly, and then you came home to learn that your boyfriend had cheated on you.
You declared that you were done with relationships.
Are you still in that same space today, or would you be open to meeting new male friends?
The goal is not necessarily to start a relationship but maybe engage in some friendly dates. ”
I sighed as she summarized the trauma I dealt with around men.
Of course, I wanted to date again, and I wanted a relationship eventually.
Marriage had been on the radar forever, but it was no longer my goal.
If it happened, fine, and if it didn’t, fine.
The thought of starting a relationship was scary.
Putting my heart out there again to get hurt was risky, and all of that started with dating.
“I don’t know, Dr. Jessica. I’ve asked that same question of myself a million times.
Truthfully, the tattoos, hair dye, and ban on relationships were my way of detaching myself from my past, people’s expectations of me, and my perception of myself.
I believed it would protect me from getting hurt again. ”
“What was your conclusion?”
“In some ways, it can. My life changes are my way of telling people that they cannot place their expectations on me, and I’m not as predictable as I always was.
I’m living my life on my own terms. I fear that opening myself up to relationships will bring those expectations and pressure back on me again.
I’m not sure that I’m ready for that—I don’t trust men, any men. ”
“Let’s look at that. Is it that you don’t trust men at all, or you just don’t trust men with your heart?”
“Definitely that. They’ve done nothing but abuse my heart and disappoint me.”
“Which brings me to my point. Is it that you can’t trust all men or specific men?”
“I trust my father and my brother with my life.”
“I know. You’ve told me in the past how much you depend on them. Has there been a string of men who have hurt you?”
“No. Just two, my best friend and ex-boyfriend.”
“We have spoken in depth about your ex-boyfriend cheating on you.
You now understand that it was not a reflection on your self-image or your role as a woman in his life.
His cheating was a selfish decision that he made that put both your health and his at risk.
It is understandable that you are hurt by his choices and even angry.
I want you to focus on learning how to forgive, though, Kalliope.
“Carrying anger and resentment aren’t healthy for you or the relationships in your life.
You deserve good, healthy relationships, and you deserve love.
When you choose to forgive, it does not mean that you don’t place barriers up to protect yourself, but you get to walk away freely from all the guilt, the hurt, and the weight of those painful memories. I want that for you.”
I wiped at the tear that fell down my cheek. “I want that for me too.”
“Now, about your best friend. We hardly ever delve into that, and I notice that you still call him your best friend when you talk about him. Each time, I’ve said ‘former’ in the past, you have corrected me. What is that about?”
I inhaled deeply and exhaled before I closed my eyes. Memories of Andrès ran through my mind, and I allowed a smile to light my face.
“It seems that your memories of him are fond. When you speak of him most of the time, you have a smile on your face. You’ll eventually let it drop, but your first reaction is a smile.”
“That’s because all I have of him are fond memories, except for that one night.”
“Was that the only time he broke your heart?”
“Yes.”
“Then why is it so difficult to forgive him?”
“He never came back. We spoke a few times over the years, but it wasn’t the same. He never came to see me, and we eventually stopped talking.”
“Did you go to see him?”
I paused at that question because, for some odd reason, it had never occurred to me to fly to California to see him. I hadn’t been further than the East Coast.
“No.”
“You’ve talked about him more recently than you have in the past. Why is that?”
“It’s been almost ten years since he left. We . . .”
She waited for me to speak, wearing a patient smile. When I didn’t say anything, she spoke.
“What is it, Kalliope?”
“It sounds stupid.”
“Nothing is stupid. This is a safe space, where you can explore your thoughts, emotions, and fears.”
I nodded, knowing that she was telling the truth. I had never felt judged or that Dr. Jessica Norris was disappointed in anything I had to share. There had been times in the past where she was firm with me, but never judgmental.
“We made a marriage pact almost ten years ago.”
“What was the pact exactly?
“We vowed that if we weren’t married in ten years, we would marry one another. It was a foolish childhood dream.”
“Why foolish?”
“Because I—I . . . never mind.” I shook my head.
“Kalliope, own your truth, sweetheart. Let nothing cause you to compromise or downplay your feelings, no matter what you believe someone else may think of you.”
“I loved him, but those feelings weren’t reciprocated. He only ever saw me as his best friend.”
“Honey, if that were so, then why would he make the pact?”
“He wanted to comfort me on what was a traumatizing night. He knew that his abrupt departure would shake me, and I was extremely emotional. Drè was trying to soothe me and assuage his own guilt.”
“Do you know how to contact him?”
“I’m sure that his mother would know how.”
“Are you still in contact with her?”
“No, but I know how to contact her.”
“Maybe it’s time for you to tie up some loose ends. Either get the true closure you never received from both men, or open your heart up to embracing possibilities you didn’t believe were on the table. Either way, I’m sure you’ll find healing on your journey.”
“What possibilities?”
“That your best friend just might love you too.”
“If they keep playing like this, these boys are going to the championships,” Khatya declared over the loud cheers on the field.
“What do you mean ‘if’? These boys are going!” Devon, her husband, exclaimed.
We cheered as my nephew, Devon Jr., or DJ as we called him, struck another player out.
I was proud of him. He was sixteen, an A-scholar, and he was on the football, baseball, and basketball teams. He was already being touted by several colleges, and at this point, he had his pick of where he could go.
When my sister became pregnant with him at eighteen, she was stressed out, and she and Devon were terrified. Despite that, they both graduated, went to college with the help of our family and his, and they were doing great.
They were best friends, excellent parents, and still as in love with each other as they were in high school.
I often looked at them and wished that I had what they did.
I was still lonely, still hurt, still afraid, and yet still hopeful, despite my fears.
My mind turned back to Andrès as it often did in times like these.
Dr. Jessica was right; I did need to confront both men.
I worried that confronting Remy might land me in jail, and confronting Andrès would land me with a broken heart.
I rolled my eyes and tried to press back the disappointment that filled me as it often did.
I couldn’t believe that I was still holding onto a teenaged promise.
The last time that I had spoken with his sister, Kalandra, she told me that he was in a long-term relationship.
She said she thought he would be proposing to the girl soon.
That had been three years ago when she had come to town for a family funeral, and Kalandra had no idea that she had broken my heart and snatched my hope. When the crowd erupted in cheers, I pulled myself from my morose thoughts. I had missed the game-winning play.