Chapter 28 Skye
SKYE
The bar is loud, too loud, stereo blasting the Sex Pistols. I want to go home. That’s not even true. I want to go back to somewhere only we know and back in time to before Miles and I made the stupid agreement to keep our relationship light.
A fling? Really? What was I thinking? There had been so many times when it seemed like Miles was about to tell me he loved me. What if I had let him instead of changing the subject or kissing him to shut him up?
Finn comes over and puts his arm around me, his whiskey sloshing in his other hand.
When he picked me up, we came to Grogg and Gruel for Nate’s show.
He finished playing half an hour ago, and everyone is still hanging out, drinking steadily—everyone except me.
I cut myself off when I nearly sent Miles a drunk text saying…
That was part of the problem. I don’t know what to say.
“Need a refill?”
“No.” I want to ask when we are going to head out, but I don’t want to be rude. Finn rescued me twice tonight. I should be gracious enough not to push him to leave. But at the rate he’s going on the whiskey, we won’t be able to drive anywhere, unless he lets me drive his car for once.
As if reading my mind, Finn says, “Nate’s going to let us stay at his place. He has a nice big couch.” Finn pulls me closer to his side. “We can share it. We’ve snuggled up in tighter spaces.”
I don’t want to share a small couch with Finn. I don’t want Finn at all. We don’t have anything in common anymore. His life is filled with shows, drinks, and buddies. Even if we did have similar lives, I don’t have feelings for Finn anymore.
As the night drags, Ava holding Miles’s hand in those skimpy shorts replays in my mind. It’s very clear to me now that I’ve been fooling myself that I could just keep things light with Miles.
Finally, we head back to Nate’s. It’s a small one-bedroom apartment above a bakery. It has beautiful hardwood floors, big bay windows, and enough houseplants that I’m pretty sure Nate doesn’t travel much for his music.
Nate gets us a sleeping bag and a couple of pillows, then stumbles to bed after telling us to make ourselves at home. I kick off my boots. All I want to do is sleep. My eyelids are heavy, and my heart weighs a metric ton.
Finn sits next to me on the couch, so close that his thigh touches mine. I scoot over, but am met with the armrest. He reaches out and clumsily tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear. It’s an old move, one that used to send chills through my skin, but now I don’t feel anything.
“Finn,” I start, but before I can continue, his mouth is on mine. So many years, I thought this was all I wanted—for Finn to return, for us to get back together, for him to want me. But it’s not what I want, definitely not what I need. I am no longer in love with Finn McDougall.
I push him away. “Finn, no.”
“I know I hurt you by leaving. But I’m here now, really here. I’m not going anywhere. I won’t ever leave you again. I love you, Skye.”
I shake my head. “It’s fine that you left. I get it. Either way, though, I don’t love you anymore, Finn.”
My head is pounding out the tune to Beck’s nineties classic, “Loser.” I sit up on the couch and bring my ear to my shoulder, each vertebrae popping on the way. Finn is on the floor, his bare leg half out of his sleeping bag, his mouth wide open, snoring peacefully.
Water. I need water. I head to the kitchen and move some dishes out of the sink so I can pour myself a glass.
Finn took my rejection well. He said he’s not even really sure if he’s going to stay or head back to America.
He graciously took the floor and let me sleep on the couch alone—all alone—as I should get used to being for the rest of my life, apparently.
Out the window, the snow lining the street is too bright but gorgeous.
I wonder what Miles is doing. I wish we could be snuggled under a blanket somewhere, watching the light snowfall with steaming mugs of coffee.
My head tingles. I just want to be with Miles all the time.
I want to wake up with him, go to bed with him, and watch Netflix with him. But that's all a silly fantasy.
My stomach writhes, and I head to the bathroom. I grab my bag and rummage around for my toothbrush, I notice my manuscript is gone. Bloody hell. It must’ve fallen out when I dropped my bag. Oh well. It’s just a copy and not even finished. I’m still not sure how to end it.
I brush my teeth and check the time. It’s only eight thirty. I can’t possibly wake up Finn for a couple more hours, but all I want to do is go home.
I try curling up on the couch to sleep some more, but I can’t stop thinking about Miles.
Instead, I get out my phone, and without checking myself, I go to Miles’s Instagram page and start to doom scroll.
I’ve never checked out his page before. I was so enamored with us that I didn’t want to see him with anyone else or be reminded of his other life in LA.
The one he would be going back to after us.
I expect to find picture after picture of Ava.
But what I actually find is a whole bunch of landscapes of Scotland. There is a picture taken from my secret spot, where we had our first kiss. I click on it. The caption reads: Please forward my mail here to this exact spot. It’s so magical, I don’t know if I can ever leave.
Back to his page, another photo catches my eye, and I suck in a breath as the picture zooms larger on my phone.
It’s the loch near Somewhere Only We Know.
The sky is a hazy purple with little pink wisps.
He must’ve taken it that morning I slept in and he went for a run.
I can practically hear the wind whipping through the long grass bent at a stiff angle.
The caption reads: Is this the place that I’ve been dreaming of?
There’s no falling about it. I am in love.
Tears spring to the corner of my eyes, and I know deep in my gut that he’s not talking about the landscape. It’s me. He’s talking about me. Miles is in love with me, or he was before I pushed him away.
Finn moans from the floor. He sits up and puts his head in his hands. “Too much sunlight.”
I laugh. “I think you mean too much whiskey.”
He lies back down, throwing the sleeping bag over his head.
I convince Finn to let me drive. The roads are covered in snow, and the trip takes hours, even longer since I keep having to pull over for Finn for various reasons.
To pee. To retch. To get some snacks. You name it, he needs to stop for it.
I’m anxious to be back at home, to escape into the clickety clack of the keys on my laptop.
Finally, I pull up to the castle, and Finn gets out to take over the driver’s seat.
“Thank you for the ride.”
Finn nods. “Anytime. I mean it.”
The look in his eyes, so sincere and so intense, makes me look away. I head into the castle with Finn’s eyes still on me and give a little wave from the door.
Dad strides out from the kitchen. “Pet! You’re back. Why did Finn give you a ride? Where’s the car?”
I nearly forgot the Land Rover is still on the side of the road. “In a ditch.”
“What?”
Thora comes out into the entryway from the kitchen, too, coming to stand behind my dad.
I also completely forgot why I had been so upset when I left.
My dad is in love. I should be happy for him.
I am happy for him. It’s just…everything is going to change.
My dad has found a second love of his life, and I can’t even make one work.
It’s all too much. My soul aches like I’ve been in a bicycle accident. Tears fall from my eyes.
“Oh, pet.” Dad comes and wraps me in a bear hug, smelling like bacon and woodsmoke. It’s such a comforting smell, I cry harder, my shoulders shaking. He pats my back like he used to when I was a child. “It’s okay. I can tow the car. Billy can fix it up for us. It’s not a big deal.”
I pull away and try to catch my breath, but like an obstinate chicken, it won’t be caught. “It’s not the car,” I say through gasps. “I was so childish when you told me about you and Thora. I’m sorry.”
My sobs take over.
“Pet, is that all? It’s forgiven. There’s no need to get so upset.”
I shake my head. That’s definitely not all.
Thora puts a soft hand on my back. “Let’s get you something warm to drink.”
I let her lead me to the kitchen table. She sets some coffee in front of me. After a few sips, the bitterness and warmth calm me. We all sit in silence for a bit, sipping coffee, my dad’s face pinched in worry, Thora’s calm as a loch on a windless day.
“Pet, what—”
Thora shakes her head. “She’ll talk when she’s ready.”
My dad nods but starts tapping his foot under the table. Thora puts a hand on his knee. My heart is just starting to return to a normal pace, but I’m not ready to talk yet. I may never be. Dad drums his fingers on the side of the mug.
“Callum, why don’t you go take care of the car?”
He nods and stands. “Yes. Is that alright with you? Will you be okay?”
I try to smile, but it’s like my face has forgotten how, so I just nod instead.
“We’ll be fine.” Thora stands and walks Dad out the door.
When she returns, she still doesn’t press me. Just sits quietly sipping her coffee and staring out the window at the snow-covered field.
A small bunny hops through the snow, tail bobbing with each leap. It leaves adorable little paw prints when it goes. Miles would get such a kick out of that. I can practically hear his laugh. My arms feel heavy, and a fresh wave of tears roll down my cheeks. “I messed everything up.”
Thora shakes her head. “Oh dear. Do you mean with Miles?”
I gasp. “How did you know?”
“Anyone with eyes in their head can see the way you two look at each other.”
“Does everyone know?”
She shrugs. “I’m not sure. Does it really matter? I know Natalie told Miles he couldn’t date you. She tried to tell me the same about Callum. I let her know she could kindly mind her own business and I would mind mine.”
I smile. “I’m sure she loved that.”
Thora shrugs. “She was just worried about losing this location. This is a big movie for her.”
I nod. “I told Miles I didn’t want anything serious. We agreed upon having a casual fling.”
“A Highland fling. How cute.”
I shake my head. “I thought so. But it seemed like he wanted more. And I kept shrugging it off, keeping it light, and now I told him he should date Ava.”
Thora slams down her coffee cup on the table. “Ava?” She shakes her head. “That’ll never happen, dear. Ava is in love with a man living in Sweden. They exchange love letters. It’s very Jane Austen. Very romantic, but I think it’s driving her crazy at the same time. Where did you get this idea?”
I let it all pour out. The whole story from beginning to end. All about seeing Miles and Ava together, how Miles said nothing happened and I really do believe him but I told him he should go for it like I’d completely lost my mind.
Thora nods, leaning in toward me. “You should talk about all of this to Miles. Tell him how you feel.”
A chill passes through me. I put both hands around my mug as if I could warm my whole body from what little coffee is left. “He’s going back to America soon. And I will be here.”
Thora’s eyes are soft. “If you want, you two could probably figure out a solution to that, too.”
“Like your solution to give up your whole life to be with my father.” I cover my mouth and instantly regret my words.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. It’s just…
It’s exactly what my mother did. The woman always has to change.
To mold herself into something that will fit into the man’s life better.
I love it here.” In the back of my mind, I know that’s not entirely true.
I do love it here, but part of me yearns to set off on my own adventure.
Then the real truth comes out. “I don’t want to give up who I am to be with someone. ”
Thora scoots back in her chair. “I’m not giving up my life.
I have never contorted myself to fit anyone’s expectations.
I’m choosing to come here because I’ve fallen in love with Scotland just as much as your father, and I need a change in my life.
I’ve been putting out a film, sometimes two or three a year, for decades.
I want time and space to breathe. I want to learn to bake a loaf of bread or at least fry an egg. ”
She pauses before continuing. “That being said, all relationships do involve some compromise on each person’s part.
” Her brow furrows for a brief moment. “Compromise isn’t the word I’m looking for…
Collaboration. That’s it. You have to change some things if you want to be a ‘we’ instead of a ‘me.’ It doesn’t mean losing yourself.
It’s more about learning about each other and how you fit together. ”
Her words make sense, but a voice in my head is still screaming at me that I would be the only one to change. Just like my mother did.