Chapter 26
Twenty-Six
Cullen
I’m sitting in first period, lost in a daydream of Hudson’s tight ass wrapped around my cock. I can practically feel his warmth, hear his harsh pants as I pounded into my new favorite spot. I mean, Hudson’s got a killer body I’ve been lusting over for weeks. But that ass? Hot damn.
Almost a week has passed since our night by the river, but the memory is just as fresh as if it happened last night.
It’s been the best fucking surprise how easy it’s been to fall into a physical relationship with him. Maybe it’s because we both know, deep down, that we’re meant to be. Or maybe it’s the rock-solid friendship underneath it all. Either way, it’s felt as natural as breathing.
I know it’s unfair, and definitely weird to draw comparisons, but I can’t help it. Being with Hadley always felt like an obligation. Like checking a box. Something was missing, and now I realize it was the soul connection.
The physical was there, but even in our most vulnerable moments, there was never real intimacy. Hadley didn’t want to cuddle. She didn’t want to talk. Sex became a means to an end, and I started to resent it.
Maybe I had to fail with her so I could be my best for Hudson.
We laid in the back of his Bronco, wrapped around each other, completely naked, talking and listening to the rain, like something out of a sappy romance novel. And I fucking relished it. Every soft word, every quiet touch pulled me deeper into him. Into us.
I could see that love reflected back at me, and I made a silent promise to him and to myself to keep that shine in his eyes. To protect him from ever feeling the dull despair or self-loathing he falls into. I want to be his best friend, his lover, his shield.
I’d die for Hudson’s happiness.
And I know he’d do the same.
Speaking of doing the same… I wonder if Hud would ever want to try toppi—
“What has you grinning like an idiot?” Hudson whispers beside me, snapping me out of my dirty daydream and back into reality.
We’re in Calc, listening to our teacher drone on about derivatives or limits or some other bullshit.
I glance over and smirk. He catches on quickly, his cheeks flushing that adorable red.
“Don’t forget your final exam is in two weeks,” Mrs. Brown reminds us just as the bell rings, ending first period.
Hud and I exit the classroom together, shoulder to shoulder, heading toward our lockers to switch out books.
“How do we already have finals? We just had midterms before spring break,” I complain.
“Seniors take their finals a week before everyone else. Some bullshit to do with graduation,” Hud shrugs. He opens his locker and grabs what he needs for the next few classes, completely unfazed by the looming exams.
A piece of paper flutters from his locker and lands on the ground.mHis name is written on it in messy, unfamiliar handwriting.
“What’s that?”
“Dunno,” Hudson says, picking up the lined piece of paper. His eyes flick across it, jaw tensing.
I lean over his shoulder to read.
I know what you did, and what you are. But I’ll keep your secret.
Maybe.
Hudson goes still, staring at the note like it might bite him.
“What’s going on?” I ask, a chill creeping over my skin at his seasick expression.
Wait. The sticky note Hadley found a few weeks ago. The texts from that unknown number. My stomach sinks.
“Hudson, look what I just found in my locker.” Ella materializes out of nowhere. She’s frazzled, and she’s holding a small note in her hand.
He takes the paper from her and opens it so we can both read it.
You had to beg to be his fake girlfriend. Too bad he’d rather have dick.
You’re just a desperate little whore for his attention.
Jesus. That’s brutal.
“Check your locker,” Hudson murmurs.
“Why?”
“A hunch.”
I do as he asks, walking the few feet to my locker. I spin the dial and wrench it open.
Sure enough, sitting right on top of my books is another note, with my name scrawled in that same messy handwriting.
He’s a homewrecker. Go find another cock to choke on. He’s mine.
“What the fuck?” I growl.
Hudson appears at my side, taking the note from my hand. I watch his eyes dart over the words again and again.
Someone knows about us. The only person who does is standing right next to Hud. I narrow my eyes at Ella, and she takes a step back.
“I didn’t tell anyone, I swear. I would never do that to you.” She’s begging him with her eyes to believe her, but he’s not looking anywhere but at the words scrawled on the paper.
His breathing turns shallow, his color draining from his face. His chest is heaving now, eyes glassy with tears.
Fuck. He’s having a panic attack.
I slam my locker shut, making Hud flinch like he’s been shot.
“Shit. I’m sorry. Come with me.” He doesn’t resist when I take him by the elbow, leaving Ella standing in the hallway. I lead him out the side doors, passing Matt and Archer as we go.
“Hey, you guys o—” I ignore Archer’s question, herding Hud into the courtyard beside the student lot. His breaths are fast and harsh, his body trembling from the overload.
“Hud, you need to breathe,” I murmur, trying not to draw attention.
He opens his mouth to speak, but no air makes it through.
His throat’s locked.
We need privacy, so I scan the parking lot and see the field house in the distance. It’s too far, but it’s the only place we can be alone. I rush us across the parking lot to the run-down building, away from everyone’s view.
We turn the corner, and I guide Hud to the wall. He leans against it. Then his legs give out. He lands hard on the ground, fingers clawing into the overgrown weeds, head bowed as the sobs overtake him.
I drop to my knees next to him, heart splintering. I feel so fucking useless right now, and seeing him like this again kills something in me. He told me this happens. That it hits without warning. But still, I made a promise to keep that shine in his eyes, and right now, it's fading.
I rest my hands on his drawn-up knees, trying to ground him. “Hud, baby. I don’t know how to help you. I’m gonna call my dad, okay?”
I wait. I don’t want to overstep just because he’s my dad and Hudson’s doctor.
A hushed “okay” carries on the breeze, so I grab my phone and dial Dad’s office line. He picks up on the third ring.
“This is Dr. Anders—”
“Dad.”
“Cullen? What’s wrong? Is Mom okay?”
“Yeah, Mom’s fine. It’s Hud. He’s having a panic attack, and I don’t know what to do.”
I hear the relief in his exhale. I feel a flash of guilt for scaring him, but I don’t regret the call.
“You know you’re only supposed to call my work number for emergencies.”
“I think Hudson not being able to breathe counts as a goddamn emergency,” I snap, panic tightening my throat.
Hudson flinches at my raised voice and ducks his head, still gasping and crying.
Shit. I place my hand on the back of his neck and squeeze, trying to offer anything grounding.
“Cullen,” Dad barks. “One, watch your tone. Two, yelling won’t help him. You need to stay calm and encouraging. Try counting to four, hold the breath, then out for six, repeat. Other than that, there’s not much you can do.”
“Are you serious?”
“Son, Hudson has a panic disorder. It’s not new to him. It will pass. Just get him somewhere safe and quiet and let it run its course.”
“So what, we just wait it out? Count some breaths? That’s it?” My voice rises again. “What fucking good are you?”
“Cullen, that’s—”
I hang up, furious and frustrated. My hands are shaking.
“H-he’s right,” Hudson chokes out.
“The hell he is. There has to be something I can do.” Hudson is still shaking his head no, but I can’t just sit here and watch him suffer.
My mind scrambles for anything that might help. Then I remember something my mom said about my cousin Ivy’s newborn. Skin-to-skin contact. It helps regulate the baby’s breathing and calms them down.
Okay, Hud’s not an infant. But I’m desperate.
“Baby, I’m gonna try something, alright?”
He gives me the tiniest nod, giving me all the permission I need. I yank my shirt off, then carefully pull his over his head, letting me without question. The trust he has in me makes my heart swell with love and pride.
I toss his shirt aside and lean against the sun-bleached siding of the building. “Come straddle my lap.”
He moves like he’s on autopilot, his weight settling across my thighs. I wrap my arms around him, his bare chest pressed against mine, and cradle his head into the crook of my neck, my hand moving in slow circles down his spine.
It takes a few minutes, but he pulls in a deep breath. Then another.
“You always smell so good,” he rasps. “You’re like my own brand of smelling salts.” His voice is raw and cracked, but there’s a spark of lightness in it. Relief blooms in my chest.
“Evergreen trees and happiness?” I ask, recalling what he said to me that night after the party.
He lifts his head, red-rimmed eyes searching mine. “How do you know that?”
“You might’ve mentioned it the night I had to carry your drunk ass to bed after Katie’s party.”
“What else did I say?” He looks suddenly terrified, like I’m holding a loaded gun.
I cup his face and meet his eyes. “A few things. Nothing incriminating. Nothing I took seriously at the time, anyway.”
I smile, soft and sad. “Looking back, the signs were there. I was just too stupid to see them.”
He shifts off my lap and settles beside me, our shoulders pressed together.
The warm brush of his skin sends a shiver down my spine. And, embarrassingly, makes my dick twitch.
Calm down. Now is the wrong time for a boner.
I need to change the subject. Fast.
“Wanna talk about what brought it on?”
Hudson pales and covers his face with both hands. His large hands that fit so perfectly around my—
Bad Cullen. Bad, bad Cullen.
I take a deep breath and wait. When he doesn’t say anything, I try again. “That’s not the first note you’ve gotten like that, is it?”
He drops his hands and rolls his head toward me, his bronzed face ashen with anxiety.
“It’s the first physical note I’ve gotten.
Someone has been texting me for a couple of months.
It started out innocent, just good morning messages or a text telling me they liked what I wore to school.
I never responded. Then one day, I had enough of the messages.
I blocked the number. But the next day, a new number picked up where the blocked one left off.
” His voice cracks, and he looks like he might vomit.
I link our fingers and give his hand a reassuring squeeze. “I’ve gotten a few. Ella and Hadley have too.”
He looks at me, wide-eyed and pale.
“I think you might have a secret admirer who is a little obsessed. They don’t seem to like your circle of people.”
His head falls back against the siding, his hands covering his face. He’s still gripping the crumpled notes, so I take them, looking for clues.
“I wonder why they called you a home wrecker.”
Hud tenses beside me, his breathing picking back up. “I need to tell you something.”
The way it comes out, raw and hoarse, puts me on high alert. “Okay,” I say carefully. “Tell me.” My brain instantly starts spinning through possibilities, each more insane than the last.
He swallows, his lips rolling inward. “I’m part of the reason you and Hads broke up.”
My stomach drops, my eyes narrowing. “What are you talking about?”
He squeezes my hand like he’s afraid I’ll pull away. His eyes are already pleading, but I don’t even know what for.
“I thought I was helping,” he blurts. “After I saw her slap you, I just… I couldn’t take it anymore. I just wanted you to see the holes in your relationship more clearly.”
I stare at him, full of disbelief.
“What did you do?” I hear myself ask it, slow and quiet, but my mind is lagging behind. My pulse isn't, though, beats surging with the next words from Hudson’s mouth.
“I lied,” he whispers. “About the condoms. Hadley never had that conversation with her girls.”
My jaw tightens with the revelation. Then he lands another blow.
“And then…” he swallows hard. “Ella and I sprayed perfume in your truck as a joke. To make it look like you cheated.”
It takes one second for the words to land before fury rushes in. I’m on my feet, pacing, fists clenched.
“I’m so sorry, Cull,” he rushes out, standing up and reaching for me. “I wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt you.”
I hold a hand up, stopping him. I’m still trying to process what he just said. And somewhere in the swirl of shock and anger, I realize…
I’m not mad.
I’m hurt. Betrayed.
My chest aches, tightening like it’s in a vice.
He involved Ella.
“Does Hadley know?”
Hud shakes his head. “As far as I know, no,” he mutters.
“Good.”
I grab my shirt from the ground and shove it back on. He looks wrecked, but I’m too torn up to offer him comfort. I want to, but I can’t.
What he did was selfish. Painful.
He let Ella help.
I don’t even know what to say. So I don’t say anything. I just turn to walk away.
“If you’re ending things, just tell me.” His voice is dead, hollow. It stops me in my tracks. I never want him to sound like that.
I sigh and turn around. He’s back on the ground, cradling his head in his hands, frozen. I don’t go to him. If I get too close, I’ll cave. And I can’t sweep this under the rug, not like I did things with Hadley.
“Hud, I just… we’re not—” I stop, words tangling. “I just need space. To think.”
He nods without looking at me.
That invisible thread between us tugs hard, pulling me back toward him, begging me to stay. I take another step away from him before the hurt fogging up my brain clears.
What the hell am I doing?
I made a vow to protect Hud, to never let him feel despair or self-loathing again. He just had a bad panic attack for fucks sake and I’m worried about my hurt feelings?
Not that my feelings aren't valid, because they are, but I’ll get over it. If I walk away now, I’d be screwing up worse than what Hud did.
I stride back to where Hud is sitting, hands in his hair, and sit next to him. He looks up at me, surprise widening his red rimmed eyes. Wrapping my arm around his back, I pull him into me. He comes easily and rests his head on my shoulder, his tears falling into my lap.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers.
“We’ll talk about it later. Just let me hold you for now.”
His arms come up around my middle, and he holds tight. I squeeze my eyes shut and let my head rest against the side of the building. We still need to talk, but this is what will always matter. Hud in my arms, letting him know he’s the most important thing, regardless of what comes our way.
I told him I would always be there for him, no matter what. Even if my feelings need to be pushed aside for him to feel safe.
He always comes first.
No matter what.