chapter 12
Julian stood at the window of his sister’s room, looking down at the deck below where he could see Charlotte and Lilly sitting
in the hot tub.
“Did you just say Char’s out there with Lilly?” Sloane stirred on the bed. As soon as he’d gotten up from his own nap, he’d
knocked and awakened her because he wanted to go out and get something to eat. But when he’d raised the blind to let in the
sun, thinking that would finally rouse her, he’d realized Lilly and Charlotte were still in the midst of getting to know each
other, and he felt he and Sloane probably shouldn’t interrupt.
“Yeah. I guess you can go back to sleep.” He sent her a sheepish look for barging in too soon. “Sorry.”
She sat up. “It’s okay. I need to get going. If I nap too long, I won’t be able to sleep tonight.” She covered a yawn before
continuing, “Does it look like they’re doing okay?”
“It does. If I’m not mistaken, Lilly’s smiling.”
“No kidding? She was so jittery when we first met her, I was afraid she’d bolt and we’d never see her again.”
“Do you think Charlotte should take guardianship?” he asked as he continued to watch the scene below him.
“Hard to say,” she replied. “It’s such a gamble.”
“You’re afraid raising Lilly might be too difficult?”
“It has nothing to do with Lilly specifically. At this point, taking on any child would change Charlotte’s whole life. She
should be healing from her divorce and trying to meet someone new. She wants a family of her own. But if she takes Lilly,
she’ll have to worry about what’s happening with her whenever she’s out, spend a lot of money to care for her and make sure
she’s in a good place emotionally, which could require a therapist. Who knows how taking on a twelve-year-old girl will alter
her future, or what opportunities might come her way if Charlotte remains on her own? Lilly’s old enough that it’ll be weird
for any guy Char gets serious with—I know that.”
“Weird?”
“Most thirty-year-old men wouldn’t want the responsibility of a twelve-year-old sister.”
“I think you’re wrong. I’m thirty, and I wouldn’t mind.”
“Not all guys are like you, Jules. What if she meets the love of her life, but he resents having a minor—someone who costs
so much time and money—living with them? What if he doesn’t want to compete with Lilly for priority?”
“A lot of people have unconventional, blended families and make it work just fine.”
“And that’s a wonderful thing. What I’m saying is we have no way of knowing whether that’s best for Charlotte. I’d hate to
see her give up so much of her time and resources to make someone else happy when it could mean she’ll miss what she should
be enjoying at this age.”
“What about Lilly’s happiness?” he asked. “Doesn’t she deserve to be happy, too?”
“Yes, of course. I feel sorry for her. But my loyalty lies with Charlotte. We don’t know how Lilly was raised, what issues Charlotte might encounter with her. There’s a lot to consider, especially for someone who hasn’t had a child of her own yet. Charlotte doesn’t know how to be a parent.”
“Someone’s got to step up,” he said, the thought stirring something deep in him. “Maybe I could help.”
“From Alaska or wherever you go next?”
She had him there. He had to work while he could. He didn’t know how long he’d be able to earn the money he needed to support
himself.
On the other hand, maybe he’d never become a parent any other way . . .
“We can’t just…ignore her need,” he said.
“You’re making me feel like a coldhearted bitch for arguing that Charlotte should even consider making other arrangements.
It’s not that I don’t want things to end happily for Lilly. It’s just that Charlotte might not be the best answer as her caregiver.
She can still be a good sister and support her in many ways. Let’s see what her extended family’s like—what they might be
able to do before we go too far. I also think we should find her father and talk to him—if possible.”
That made sense. Taking responsibility for a child wasn’t a decision to be made lightly. “We have a month. We might as well
wait and see what develops as Charlotte gets to know her.”
“Exactly. There’s no rush.”
He moved away from the window. “So what are you hearing from Ben?”
She climbed out of bed, went into the bathroom and started brushing her hair. “Everything’s fine back home.”
He crossed over to the bathroom and leaned against the doorway. “Not according to what you told me on the phone before you
left Seattle.”
She turned away from the mirror, her hairbrush still in one hand. “It’s a possibility that I’m not as quick as you are to tell Charlotte she should take guardianship of Lilly because I’m not excited about becoming a parent myself, Jules.”
He scowled at her. “I’ve been thinking about that. Maybe that’s a short-term thing while you build your business. It’s difficult
to be a parent and build a business.”
“That’s not all of it. It’s the whole picture.”
“What whole picture?”
“Parents are shamed at every turn. Everyone thinks they have the right to criticize how you’re treating your children, especially
on social media, and they feel so self-righteous doing it. They feel they’re speaking for an innocent—never mind that they
might be wrong about the whole situation.”
“People shouldn’t be so quick to judge,” he conceded, “but it’s tough to know where to draw the line—when a child needs your
voice—and that’s where the problem comes in.” He stepped away from the window. “You’d be the first to try to defend an innocent
if you thought it was necessary. That’s starting to sound a lot like justification to me.”
“What are you talking about?” she grumbled as she put the tie in her hair.
“I think you’re feeling guilty about not wanting kids, and you’re looking for a way to justify it.”
“I don’t need to justify it,” she said, tossing her brush onto the vanity with a clatter.
He raised his eyebrows. “Not even to Ben? Because the last I heard, a family was important to him.”
She froze for a moment, then sighed as she faced him again. “Fine. Maybe a little. I don’t want to disappoint him. I also
don’t want him to feel I pulled a ‘bait and switch’ since he thought I wanted kids when I married him.”
“Having your spouse change his or her mind about that would be tough,” Julian pointed out. “How does he react when you tell him you no longer want children?”
She slid past him. “I haven’t said it flat out. Not yet. I just keep putting him off.”
He watched as she rummaged through her suitcase and came up with fresh clothes. “Then he’s ready to start trying.”
“He’s been ready for a while,” she admitted.
Julian moved toward the hallway so he could step out and give her the privacy she needed to change. “Businesses come and go,
Sloane,” he said, pausing at the lintel. “Family is forever.”
“See? Even you’re on Team Baby!”
“I can’t imagine you won’t be glad you did in the end.”
“Not everyone wants the same things out of life.”
What he wouldn’t give to be in her position—to have a steady partner to love and support him through the coming years, one
who also wanted to start a family. All the trips he’d taken, the incredible sights he’d seen, even the photos he’d captured—none
of it seemed to matter as much after his diagnosis.
“Even if that costs you Ben?” he asked in disbelief.
“You think I should have kids for his sake? That I owe him that?”
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I’d just hate to see anything tear you two apart—and something like that could have the teeth
to do it.”
At his response the fight drained out of her, and her shoulders slumped. “Exactly.”
The conversation she’d just had with Julian kept scrolling through Sloane’s mind like a newsfeed she couldn’t close the entire time she was sitting on the deck waiting for Charlotte and Lilly to get ready so they could catch a taxi to Positano.
She didn’t know where her brother had gone, but he wasn’t around, and she was glad of the reprieve.
He’d seemed horrified by her responses to his questions about her marriage and having children.
What she’d said sounded selfish, even to her.
Ben deserved to have kids if he wanted them.
But she also deserved to live her life as she saw fit.
So where was the compromise? Wouldn’t it be better to break up and go their separate ways?
Find partners who were more suited to them in their current evolution?
The thought of divorce made her sick to her stomach. After being with Ben for the past few years, she couldn’t imagine moving
on without him. And yet the very idea of escaping the heavy weight of his expectations and the guilt she’d been carrying for
letting him down seemed to provide so much relief. She didn’t want to feel such a strong sense of obligation to do something
she didn’t want to do. But she was also afraid that if he agreed they wouldn’t have a family, he’d begin to resent her, feel
he was missing out and eventually regret his decision.
There was a lot to consider. It didn’t seem fair, even to her, that she’d changed her mind. But how could she make herself
want something she didn’t? If she agreed to have children just to mollify him, she was afraid she’d be the one who’d begin to resent it, that she’d long for what her life could’ve been if she was free to focus on her career.
“We’re all set,” Charlotte said as she came outside with Lilly close behind her.
She wore a long white sundress layered with a sheer shirt and a straw hat. Lilly trailed behind in cutoffs and a shabby Ferrari
T-shirt she’d hacked into a midriff top. Sloane couldn’t help thinking if that was the best the girl had to wear out to dinner,
the first thing they needed to do was get her some new clothes. “Great,” she responded. Where’s Jules?”
“I have no idea.” Charlotte gazed around the deck. “He’s not in the house, and this is the only yard.”
Sloane sent her brother a text message and immediately heard back:
I walked down to the sea to snap a few pics. Coming now.
“He’s on his way.”