Chapter 12
My pen moves fluid on the paper, the words flowing out of me as natural as water streaming down a steady river.
“No matter how hard I try, I can’t escape you. And I don’t think I ever want to…”
It’s been a month since Gran’s funeral. A month without speaking to Donovan after he came crashing back into my soul. The ache of missing him has become too much to bear. I’ve willed myself to deny the pull, to cut the invisible string that connects us. But I can’t. I won’t. How can I? I pour my heart onto the page as I scribble sweet nothings, a mixture of heartache and arousal swirling inside me.
“I miss your touch. Your taste. The way I feel when you hold me…”
I squeeze my legs tight under my desk as heat forms in the apex of my thighs. I chew on the tip of my pen, a small grin forming on my lips as I daydream about Donovan’s intoxicating kiss. His large hands gripping me.
“Little bird, let’s go,” Kellan interrupts, opening the door to my office so suddenly I nearly jump out of my chair. He cocks his head to the side as warmth heats my cheeks. I carefully shift my purse in front of the letter, my feet wobbling slightly as I stand from my chair. “Yes, darling. Let me just grab my things,” I say in a light tone, sliding the letter under my laptop as I place it stealthily in my bag.
Kellan’s eyes study my body, and I do my best to lower my heart rate before approaching him. Thankfully, his phone buzzes, stealing his gaze from me. In that brief respite, I move quickly to make sure the letter is safely out of sight, deep within my bag. I have no intentions of sharing it with anyone, not even Donovan. Especially not Kellan. I’ll probably burn it later.
I step behind Kellan with my bag slung over my shoulder. I remind myself to breathe normally since this letter could burn a hole through the leather with its heat and secrets. With Kellan’s eyes fixated on his phone, I fight the smirk that wants to play on my lips as my mind once again wanders to Donovan.
Focus, Audrey.
Walking side by side with Kellan down the hall en route to this meeting, it’s like I’m not even there. His hand grazes mine as we walk, but no sparks fly. No electricity buzzing between us. It’s hollow and all business. Emptiness.
“We’re meeting SuiteSync Systems today, a tech company from upstate,” he says dryly, his eyes glued to his phone. “They’re pitching for smart rooms for the East Coast launch next year. Take notes.”
“Okay,” I reply quietly. He pushes the door open to the conference room with the Empire State Building in full view out the window. It’s buzzing with casual conversation and a lot of men in tailored suits. Expensive cologne and a waft of aftershave fill my senses. My eyes draw to a flash of long, blonde, silky hair. Jesus, her tits are massive. The swell of her breasts push up toward her collarbone, where the top button of her white dress shirt is undone. Well, that’s one way to do business.
Kellan places his hand on the small of her back as I watch from a distance. She turns to face him, showing off her pearly white teeth and full lips. His eyes draw straight to her breasts, earning a tiny scoff from me.
I wait for the tinge of jealousy to settle in my stomach…crickets. Nothing. My boyfriend is practically taking a swim in a pair of massive tits, and I feel absolutely nothing. Not like the way I felt when I saw multiple women flirting with Donovan at the happy hour. Caressing his arm, laughing at his jokes. Now that? That pissed me off. But it shouldn’t, because Donovan’s not mine.
Kellan grasps her hand, turning his charm up to max volume. With a subtle eye roll, I find my seat at the table, opening my laptop for yet another boring meeting that I have to endure. I’d rather be baking cinnamon rolls, hand-feeding them to Donovan.
Snap out of it, Audrey.
“Okay, everyone, let’s take our seats. Mr. Vanguard is here, so let’s get started,” says Derek Franz, VP of marketing for Vanguard Hotels. The blonde stays standing as everyone settles in, and I quirk an eyebrow the longer I look at her face. Do I know her? She turns on the projector and holds a clicker in her hand, squaring her shoulders to the room with a million-dollar smile.
Oh my god. I do know her.
“Hello everyone. Thank you for being here. My name is Jessica Taylor, sales director here at SuiteSync Systems,” she announces.
Jess freaking Taylor. Is here. This would happen to me. Of course, she would be the director of something. This is the queen of getting what she wants in life. Persuasive, beautiful, smart. The whole package. I slink down subtly in my chair, tucking my eyes behind my screen in hopes we don’t make eye contact. I’m hard to avoid, considering we are the only two women in the room.
Kellan sits across from me, his eyes laser focused on Jess. Meanwhile, I’m not registering anything coming out of her mouth as I turn myself on autopilot to catch these notes.
I can feel Jess’s eyes on me in my peripheral vision. I look up from my screen for a split second to see her expression slightly change from “I’m in control” to “Oh, fuck.” Or, at least, that’s what it seems like. I’m positive I’m mirroring her, my neck flushing with heat as I tug on my collar. Suddenly, I’m itchy everywhere and I need to get the hell out of this room.
“Any questions?” Jess asks, looking at everyone else in the room but me. Yup, nothing’s changed since high school. Scattered applause erupts around the table as Jess nods and smiles, thanking everyone in a sweet tone. I can see why she’s good at sales.
I quickly shut my laptop when Kellan knocks his knuckles against the table, garnering my attention. “Little bird, grab me a coffee? The one here tastes like shit. I want the place on 5th next to Magnolia’s. You know my order,” he demands. Jess walks by, stopping right by Kellan to steal our attention.
We stand from our seats as Kellan flashes her his best grin. She looks over at me, stoic and expressionless. A fake smile at best. “Mr. Vanguard, what did you think of the presentation?” she asks sweetly. If this were Donovan, I’d claw her eyes out over the table. I clutch my laptop close to my chest, as if I’m shielding myself from her, hoping she doesn’t see me. Too late.
“It was very impressive, Ms. Taylor. We’ll be in touch soon,” Kellan replies. “Ms. Taylor, meet my assistant, Audrey Winthrop.” He gestures me to come around the table.
Kill me now.
What’s worse than embarrassment? Humiliation? That’s it. My body might as well shrivel into a little ball and sink below the earth, hiding away from everyone in this room. I’m a pathetic assistant, going nowhere.
Jess smiles politely when I approach, extending a polite handshake. This is fucking weird. I grasp her hand in mine, giving a weak shake. “It’s nice to meet you, Ms. Winthrop,” she croons. Her bright blue eyes gleam in the sun’s rays peeking through the window. She doesn’t look like a girl who had her life torn up by her father’s bad decisions. The eyes I see before me are bright and thriving. Envy creeps up my neck. I shake it away and smile back. “It’s nice to meet you too, Ms. Taylor,” I reply curtly.
“Audrey was just going to fetch a coffee. Did you want anything?” Kellan offers. The heat burns my cheeks, my palms damp and clammy. There’s no way I’m fetching coffee like a dog for Jess Taylor too.
“Actually, I need some air. I can accompany you, Ms. Winthrop?” she beams.
Why is this happening to me?
“Uh, sure. It’s just down the block,” I mumble, earning a glare from Kellan like I’m a petulant child. “Alright. Get anything you want, Ms. Taylor. It’s on me,” he says politely. “I’ll be in my office. Ladies.” He dismisses himself to finish conversing with the remaining men in the room. Jess and I share an awkward glance as I gesture for her to exit the room first.
I watch her saunter in front of me, her high-waisted slacks hugging every curve like a second skin. I’m eighteen again, slinking in the shadow of Jess Taylor. Briggs sneakily paces behind us, as he usually does. I never know when he is lurking. Once Jess and I are walking in stride together, her eyes remain on our heels clacking the floor.
“Who’s that burly man following us?” she asks, tilting her head slightly to catch a glimpse of Briggs. I smirk, sensing her discomfort.
“That’s my bodyguard. He’s harmless. That is, if no one touches me,” I tease, my lame attempt to break the tension. She huffs out a chuckle, craning her neck all the way around to look at Briggs.
“Wow, a bodyguard? You must be important to have one of those,” she retorts, quirking her eyebrow at me.
Something like that.
The line at Sweetners is annoyingly long today—heavy on the annoying because Jess Taylor won’t stop staring at me like I have something in my teeth. I give her a cautious sideways glance, totally weirded out that she’s standing next to me. Last I remember, Jess loathed me. This isn’t exactly a wholesome high school reunion for me.
My eyes flicker back and forth between Jess and the lone barista, speeding to make everyone’s coffee order. “Jess, why do you keep staring at me? Why are you even here?” My tone comes off harsh, but I’m not really sorry about it.
She pinches the bridge of her nose before responding. “Audrey, I’m sorry I acted like I didn’t know you in there. I just…wasn’t expecting to see you. It caught me off guard,” she sighs, biting her bottom lip as we slowly shuffle up the line. “I wanna talk. Could we sit in a booth for a bit?” she asks, incessantly rubbing her palms up and down the sides of her pants.
“Okay, just stop fidgeting. You’re making me nervous,” I mutter. A grin tugs at the corner of her lips as she mouths, “sorry.”
After what seems like hours, we finally get our coffee and quietly slip into a booth against a window. I settle in and see Briggs standing outside, pressing his back against the brick wall of the coffee shop.
“So, he really follows you everywhere?” she asks, hiking her thumb back.
“Yup.” I pause. “So…what’s up?” I ask impatiently. I’m not in the mood for small talk with an old high school mean girl. Her eyes get shiny, like she is on the verge of crying. I’m confused and uncomfortable.
“Jess, you wanted to talk? Are you okay?”
She lets out a breath and intertwines her fingers, resting them on the table. “I’m sure you heard about what happened with my father,” she mutters. I gulp and quickly nod. “He wasn’t a good person.” She continues. “He was a liar and manipulated my mother and me our whole lives.” It’s all very matter of fact. I lean in closer, feeling a small spark of empathy because I know what it feels like to be manipulated and lied to.
“He deserved what he got, and I guess karma came for me as well.” I act like I understand where she’s going with this, but I have no fucking clue.
“I’m sorry about your father, but karma clearly avoided you. You’re a successful career woman in New York City. That counts for something,” I say empathetically. This isn’t the same woman that was leading a sales pitch. She’s slipping. Her fingers tremble around the handle of her coffee mug.
“Audrey, I never meant for any of this to happen. I didn’t know that it would keep you away from him all these years. I was angry and jealous, and what I did was wrong. So, so wrong. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for everything,” she utters frantically, her tone on the cusp of shrill.
Okay, now…what the fuck?
“Jess, what are you talking about? Who’s him? Why are you apologizing to me? I’m sorry, but I’m not following,” I reply, puzzled, furrowing my brow. Her eyes get wide and she leans closer over the table, like I’ve been living under a rock or something.
“Wait, you don’t know?” she whispers.
Clearly fucking not.
I shake my head at her and shrug my shoulders. She looks down at her hands and takes a deep breath, then exhales slowly. Her big blue eyes meet mine, nervous and timid.
“My father forced me to get dirt on the King’s. He wanted their vineyard, and he knew that Donovan’s dad would never go for it as long as he was loyal to your grandfather,” she explains, taking another deep inhale. The thumping of my heart picks up speed hearing Donovan’s name in this.
“I was in love with Donovan. And when I saw him with you on graduation night, I got jealous. Like, really stupid, jealous. Donovan basically told me to fuck off after I interrupted your dance together, then ran off to find you,” she mutters.
My mind flashes back to that night where we danced. The first time we held each other close. I stay silent and lean back against the leather booth, crossing my arms. The rapid thud of my heartbeat pulses hard against my chest. I take a deep breath to try and slow it down.
“I saw you two running out of the party, and it made me so angry. So, I followed you,” she says quietly, her voice small.
My stomach drops. I barely maintain a grasp on the anger threatening to bubble up in my throat. I take a moment to choose my words before opening my mouth.
“You-you followed me? And Donovan?” I choke out. She nods, tears filling her eyes. I wish I could stop the involuntary tears building behind my eyes. The sting I hate so much taunting me, a feeling that’s been more familiar than not.
“I saw you two laughing and kissing. I stayed hidden and all I thought at that moment was how I wanted you out of the picture to have Donovan to myself,” she admits another confession. My breathing turns ragged as the liquid brimming my eyes puddle. “And then I saw you guys together. In the gazebo,” she cries, wiping her fingers under her eyes. I shut my eyes, and the tears fall, knowing where this is going. Heat pricks the tops of my ears thinking about Jess seeing us in that private moment.
“I took out my phone, and I filmed you two having sex. There was my dirt, and there was my way of keeping you out of the picture,” she breathes with a crack in her voice. Her confession is a direct stab in my heart. An instant kill. She wipes her tears quickly before they fall past her chin, looking out the window toward the busy street.
My chin trembles as I look at Jess, her eyes refusing to meet mine at this moment. I open my mouth, words struggling to form. This is why Donovan didn’t come pick me up the next day. She held that sex tape over his head, and he carried that burden for ten fucking years. He carried it for me. I rest my elbows on the table, covering my face with my hands as I quietly cry into them. I cry for Donovan. I cry for our lost love. I turn my head to face the window, wondering how everything got so fucked. I count the yellow cabs that pass by, each one representing the missed opportunities Donovan and I had. Too many to count.
I finally muster enough strength to turn toward Jess. I study her expression—she seems lost in her own thoughts. Her lips purse tightly together, her bright blue eyes swim in sadness.
“So, you brought the footage to your father, and he blackmailed Caleb King with it,” I say, putting the pieces together. She nods, shame and guilt mark her face. “And that’s why Caleb cut ties with my grandfather,” I add, another guilty nod from Jess. “And that’s why Donovan never spoke to me again. To protect me.” A final nod.
Damn.
Donovan was protecting me. All this time, he let me go to keep me safe. To save me from humiliation. My heart cracks wide open, imagining Donovan with this weight on his shoulders at just eighteen years old. We were kids. A victim to horrendous blackmail, and he took the fall for it to let me go.
“Audrey, I’m so sorry. It was stupid and petty, and clearly my family got what they deserved. I lost my dad, my home, and Donovan. Although, I never really had him. His heart always belonged to you,” she sighs, a sad grin playing on her lips. “I just didn’t want to see it,” she whispers.
I wipe my tears with the pads of my fingers, meeting her gaze. Here we are, two women with broken pasts. Somehow intertwined with one another. A true collision of fate. All in the same city. Ten years of confusion, solved.
“Thank you for telling me. Thank you for apologizing,” I murmur.
Maybe Jess and I aren’t so different after all. I couldn’t see it then, but sitting here together half a world away from home, we’re just two girls who have been hurt. She doesn’t need my anger—hell, I don’t need it either. We’re not spiteful kids. It’s time to let it go.
She gives me a sad smile and reaches out for my hands. I place mine in hers and a huge weight lifts off my shoulders, like another ghost from my past freeing itself from me. I have answers. Even if it wasn’t from Donovan, it was from the source. I know she was telling the hard truth. A truth that has me close to booking a ticket back to California to tell Donovan I love him.
“Audrey, I want you to know that the tape doesn’t exist. It was destroyed with my father’s assets. It never saw the light of day,” she reassures me. Instant relief coats my heart with her sharing that detail with me. I don’t particularly like the idea of me losing my virginity on tape in the ether.
“I hope you can forgive me. It was never Donovan’s fault.”
She’s right. It wasn’t Donovan’s fault. The unsolved equation in my head finally found an answer that works. An answer that fits. But ten years of silence wasn’t easy to endure. And although I have the answer, the hurt still lingers in every fiber of my being. Jess picks up on my doubt, like an intuition broken girls share. Her eyes soften and her hands squeeze mine before she places them back in her lap.
“Audrey, Donovan was terrified. You know, when he figured out I did it, he laid into me pretty fucking bad. He told me he would do anything to protect you and your future. He said that you were going to New York, and that I was a piece of shit for trying to mess with your life,” she says, leaning closer on the table, propping on her elbows. “He was right. I was awful to put you in that position, even if you had no idea. His future was at risk too, and his father branded that into his brain.”
“She left because of you. You did this!”
Donovan’s voice booms through my mind. The realization hits me like a ton of bricks. Donovan hadn’t noticed when I watched him go head to head with Caleb in the backyard during Gran’s funeral reception. I heard a commotion when Wyatt and Kerry secretly slipped out the door. Caleb was the one who kept Donovan from telling me. Donovan blamed his father all these years for what happened between us. My chest clenches, aching for all that was lost.
“He may not have said it to you, but he loved you. He told me how he felt about you and that I would never compare,” Jess huffs, a small laugh slips from her lips. My eyes flicker with hurt for her, but she waves me off. “Oh, Audrey. It’s okay. He was totally right. I was a bitch.” We share an unexpected chuckle at the truth of it all. She really was a bitch, but this woman in front of me is different. I suppose I am too.
I stand up from the booth with Jess mirroring me. We face one another, not quite friends, but no longer enemies. And after a moment, we embrace. It’s not exactly warm, not exactly cold. Just a regular hug. But a hug, nonetheless. It’s forgiveness.
“Thank you for giving me a chance. Now maybe you can give him his,” she murmurs. She rubs the side of my arm and walks away, her blonde hair wafting vanilla and sugar in my face.
She pauses for a beat, turning back to me to say, “Oh, by the way—Kellan is a major dick.” Her lip turns up as she turns back around, heading toward the exit.
Yeah, he sure is.
I slide back into the booth and let her words linger. She walks past the window, her gaze meeting mine one last time, and waves, disappearing into a sea of people on the busy sidewalk.
Briggs notices Jess walking out of the shop, then comes in to find me, sliding in the booth across from me.
“We should get back. Mr. Vanguard is expecting you,” he mutters, lacing his fingers together on the table.
I stare out the window, squinting up at the skyscrapers surrounding me. I imagine them gone, with nothing but rolling vineyards for miles as far as the eye can see. The buzz of cars and people quiet themselves in my mind, and it’s replaced with birds chirping, a cool breeze brushing my ear. I imagine a gentle graze from Donovan’s hand on my cheek.
“What’s on your mind, Ms. Winthrop?” Briggs asks.
Donovan. Always Donovan.
“Nothing. Let’s go.”