Chapter 15
Chapter Fifteen
H ow could she have forgotten Troy’s boat?
Mia stood on Cody’s wooden dock, slightly swaying with the waves. The water looked beautiful today. Troy’s boat floated in front of her, blue paint sparkling. The thirteen foot Boston Whaler looked even better in the water than it ever had in Constance’s backyard. A small pleasure cruiser that doubled as a fishing boat, the whaler had four swivel seats, a modest diving platform off the back, and an outboard motor. Troy had replaced all the torn upholstery with a white faux leather. It surprised her to note that it still looked bright even after being in storage for so long.
Cody had called in a few favors, and he and Liam and a few others had pulled the boat on its trailer from Constance’s all the way down to the water. Then he’d called and convinced her to bring the kids down for a ride.
“Let’s test it out.” He’d pleaded.
“Not today, Cody. Grace is supposed to call back with a good time for her video interview with the council. If she decides to move forward with her application, that is.” Now was not the time for slacking off. After all, she was still short on applicants. It was not the time to go for a pleasure cruise.
“So, you’re just going to sit around waiting for a phone call? There’s cell service on the boat. I give you my word we won’t go far from shore. Besides, Finn and Maggie will love it,” he’d said.
Those words had finally convinced her. He was right. The kids would be over the moon with this ride. They loved going on the ferry the few times she’d taken them to the mainland. Right now, they practically vibrated with excitement as they waited to board the boat.
She and Cody and Troy had spent so much time with it in high school. Troy was constantly trying to improve the vessel. He’d tinker with the outboard motor, then they’d take it for a tour around the island. He’d painted it this sparkly, blue color just before high school graduation. They hadn’t had time to put it in the water that summer. As far as she knew, he’d never put it in the water. Not during their marriage anyway. Too many other priorities, Finn being the most important.
She was glad Constance had given the boat to Cody. Glad that he’d thought to share it with her children.
Now, those two were attempting to board, Finn with his legs spread in wide splits—one foot on the dock and one in the boat. She reached to steady him as Cody leaned out of the boat to swing Maggie in. He settled Maggie into one of the captain’s chairs before strapping her into a life vest. Then he held Finn by the elbow as the little boy navigated his other foot into the boat. Finn pulled a jacket over his head and snapped the clips shut. Cody tested the straps to make sure they were snug. When the kids were safe, he put his hand out to Mia.
She placed her hand in his. His rough calluses rubbed her palm, sending a zing up her arm.
“What’s in the bag?” Cody held her gaze as tightly as he held her hand. His thumb caressed the knuckle of her pointer finger.
“Um.” Yeah, real intelligent. She slipped her hand out of his and unslung the heavy tote from her shoulder. “I thought it might be cold out here on the water, so I brought hot chocolate and a blanket. Plus a few snacks.”
He rubbed his hands together in exaggerated glee. “Snacks!” The kids laughed.
“Snacks!” Finn echoed. “I’m hungry now.”
“Finn, you are a bottomless pit. Do you think we can make it five minutes on the boat before you eat all the snacks?” She put her hand on her hip. “You need to learn a little patience. No snacks until we can see the lighthouse.”
“Imagine what he’ll be like as a teenager.” Cody shot her a wink, and suddenly she didn’t think she would need the hot chocolate. Her insides already felt warm and gooey.
“But Mom.” Finn’s whine managed to make the word into three syllables.
“Finn, you gotta respect your mom’s rules,” Cody said. “No snacks until we can see the lighthouse. Which means we better get going. I want hot chocolate.” He revved the engine as Mia untied the mooring line from the cleat on the dock. Soon, they eased their way out into the open water.
The late afternoon sun glinted off the water, making rainbows out of the spray coming off the boat’s wake. Cody stuck close to the island shoreline. Her chest expanded and lifted. Braving the straits of Mackinac would have been too much. Finn and Maggie spun around and around in the two seats at the back of the boat. Their giggles carried over the sound of the motor.
“Thanks for your support back there.” Mia laid a hand on Cody’s shoulder.
“Eh. It was nothing.” Cody glanced her way before turning back to the water. “Finn just needed to be encouraged to obey.”
The gooey feeling got warmer. “Not nothing. I’m used to enforcing the rules on my own. Having backup felt…nice.”
He pretended to tip an imaginary cap to her. “By the way, I’ll be signing the title of this boat over to you.”
“What? Why? No way.”
“It’s the right thing to do. It belonged to Troy. Now it should belong to you and the kids.”
“I don’t want it.” She crossed her arms. “Troy would want you to have it. You worked on it almost as much as he did.”
He pulled a face. “What am I going to do with another boat? I can barely keep the one that I already have.”
She faced forward. The wind from their speed brushed her face and tossed her hair. The clean scent of water and sky filled her. “I don’t know. Sell it maybe. Use the money to buy yourself an engine that actually works.”
He grunted in response.
“It’s good to see you captaining a boat again,” she said.
“As you know, I almost had a breakdown out here.”
She glanced at him, saw the whitening of his knuckles as he gripped the wheel. “It’s not surprising, given what you went through.” Mia tugged a stray hair out of her eye. “You’re out here now though.”
“Yeah, Pastor Arnie and I went out again.” He shot a look her way. “It was the morning I was late to help you.”
Oh.
“With his help, and a lot of prayer, I was able to wrestle down a few demons.” He rubbed at the back of his neck.
“I’m proud of you. Will you tell me the story sometime?”
“Definitely.” He slowed the boat. “How about you? Are you doing okay? Being out here, I mean.”
She breathed in, the air going deep into her lungs. Her heart rate was steady. When Cody wasn’t grinning at her, anyway. “It’s funny. I thought this would be so hard, but it turns out that being out here with you is the most natural thing in the world.” She reached out and put her hand on top of his.
Cody swung the boat to the left around an out cropping of rocks.
“Lighthouse!” Finn’s cry made her jump, pulling away from Cody. “I see the lighthouse.”
Sure enough, the tall, white building rose up in front of them. As they came closer, Mia saw the long pier beside it and the old whaler nearby.
“A deal’s a deal.” Cody slowed the boat to a stop. “Time for snacks. We can drift here a while.”
She handed each kid a thermos and two graham crackers. “Sit in the chairs with these. No spinning while you have hot chocolate. Anyone cold?” They both shook their heads and then spun their chairs to face the back of the boat. Finn began explaining how lighthouses work to Maggie. Mia reached into the bag again and got out the other thermos and two cups.
She rejoined Cody at the wheel and handed him a cup.
“Where’s my graham cracker?” Mischief danced in his brown eyes. “I waited patiently until I could see the lighthouse.”
“Oh, you.” She started to swat his arm, but he caught her hand in his. His gaze became intense and her belly tightened.
A hundred yards away, another boat sped past. The deck rocked beneath her, and she stumbled. Cody caught her elbows. She looked up at him from under her lashes.
“Cody,” she said, then licked her lips.
“Yes?” His voice was hoarse, eyes boring into hers.
She leaned into his warmth. Looking toward Finn and Maggie, she saw they still faced away and were intent on something across the water. She could risk a small distraction. Putting her hand on his chest, she could feel his heart beating faster than the sputter of a speedboat motor. She tipped her head up, meeting his eyes. They were dark and intense. “I know we said we’d go slow, but I’m going to kiss you again. Is that okay?”
In answer, he dipped his head to hers. A light touch of their lips fell into something deeper as the boat rocked again. She grabbed his bicep, and it flexed under her hand. A bigger wave hit them, and the deck rocked them apart. Cody steadied the wheel just as Maggie started screaming.
Mia whirled around and saw her daughter on the floor of the boat. A gash at her hairline streamed with blood. The near edge of the boat bright with a red smear. In one leap, she grabbed Maggie and one of the blankets. She wrapped her sobbing, screaming daughter in the warm wool.
“Maggie fell,” Finn said. “When the wave whooshed us. Maggie fell down and hit her head. I told her not to stand up, but she didn’t listen to me and then the wave whooshed and she fell down.”
“Let me look at it, baby.” Mia kept her voice even. Inside she was screaming along with Maggie.
Cody tossed the anchor over the side and came back to them. “What do you need?”
Mia used the edge of the blanket to dab at the wound. With her other hand she held Maggie’s hands down and away from blood. “Can you see if there is a first aid kit anywhere onboard?”
She heard Cody rummaging around as she focused on trying to staunch the blood flow. Head wounds bleed a lot, but this seemed like it was serious. Mia pulled the blanket away from the cut. The deep gash rippled her skin, and the blood mixed with the chocolate all over Maggie’s face. She must have spilled her drink as she fell.
“I can’t find one.” Cody crouched down where they sat. “Do you need to use my T-shirt?”
“This blanket seems to be working.” Mia glanced at him. “Can you get us to the clinic? I think Maggie is going to need stitches.”
“You betcha.” Cody stood then tousled Finn’s hair. “C’mon, bud. I’ll show you how to steer.” He lifted Finn into his arms.
Soon, the motor was running and they sped back the way they had come.
The low rumble of the boat seemed to soothe Maggie, and she calmed as they pulled into the public marina. Cody must have called ahead without Mia noticing, because the island’s only ambulance waited for them on shore. Cody tossed up a line, and one of the EMTs tied up the boat to the dock.
“Looks like you folks ran into a bit of trouble.” Emily Watson, a girl from Mia’s graduating class, reached out for Maggie.
“Maggie fell down,” Finn said from his place in Cody’s arms.
“We’ll take good care of her,” Emily said, her short, sturdy legs braced wide on the dock.
Mia handed Maggie to Emily and then climbed off the boat. Maggie began wailing. “I’m right here, baby. Let this lady take a look.”
Emily carried Maggie to the ambulance, Mia trailing in her wake. Behind them, she heard Cody talking to the other EMT.
Mia tried to concentrate on what Emily was asking while beating down the nausea rising in her. No, Maggie hadn’t had a tetanus shot. Yes, she had medical insurance—thank goodness for Healthy Michigan’s low-cost plans for low-income families. No, she didn’t have any other medical concerns.
“I think we’ll need to take her in for stitches,” Emily said. “Do you want Finn and Cody to ride along too?”
She looked at her son’s pale face. His skinny arms clung to Cody’s neck. “Yes, they need to come along.”
She wasn’t going anywhere without her guys.
* * *
Bringing them on the boat had been a big mistake.
Cody sat on the edge of Maggie’s bed in her room. Next to him, the little girl slept under her pink unicorn quilt, clutching her purple bobble hat and her stuffed bunny. The bandage at her hairline made her look so vulnerable. Her gentle snore lifted the corner of his mouth. Mia sat next to him, eyes closed, a hand on Maggie’s chest. After the trauma of the clinic, he welcomed this peace. Well, outward peace anyway. Inside, his gut churned. Across the room, Finn’s bed lay empty. They’d called Constance to pick him up at the clinic, and she’d volunteered to keep him overnight.
The sharp tang of the antiseptic the nurse used on Maggie’s wound hung in the air. She should never have been in a position to have the stitches in the first place.
“Mia, I’m sorry, this is all my fault.” He swiped at his eyes then crossed his arms. They ached to gather Maggie up, or Mia, or both of them. But that was a bad idea. Having Mia in his arms was part of the reason they were here in the first place. They should have never taken their eyes off the kids. “I never should have taken you out there.”
Mia’s eyes flew open. “Code. Stop. Accidents happen with little kids. There is no way this is your fault.” Keeping one hand on Maggie, she rested the other on Cody’s knee. The heat from her touch soaked into a frozen place inside him.
“One of your kids got hurt.” Cody couldn’t look at her. Didn’t want to see the truth reflected in her eyes. “Loss follows me, and I should have remembered that.”
“What in the world are you talking about?”
“I thought I’d gotten to a good place, started to believe that maybe…” He inhaled sharply. “But the truth is, I got your husband killed, and now I almost killed your daughter. And it doesn’t matter how much I plan or try to be careful…loss just seems inevitable.”
Mia laughed, a short, humorless bark. She patted Maggie and then gave his knee a squeeze. “Come on. Let’s go into the kitchen where we don’t have to whisper. Plus, this kind of conversation needs more hot chocolate.”
While Mia heated water for the instant hot chocolate, Cody took two mugs out of the cupboard. Soon, cups filled, they sat at the table. The steam curled up between them.
Mia reached for his hand. She held it in both of her own. Her thumbs tightened her grip. “Listen to me carefully. I need you to hear me.” She paused, took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. “I don’t blame you for Troy’s death. I never have.”
He kept his eyes on the table. Her words dinged against the armor he had built for himself.
“Please look at me,” she said.
He raised his gaze to meet hers. Expecting pity, he saw something closer to grace instead, maybe even love.
She waited a beat, keeping eye contact. “What happened that terrible night was not your fault. It has never been your fault.”
“And I’m starting to believe it. But”—the words tore from him, leaving a raw wound in their wake—“my dad blames me for all of it.”
“Has he told you that?”
“Not in so many words. But he doesn’t have to say it. He’s told me in a thousand other ways.”
“I can’t believe an old fisherman like your dad would blame you for the weather.”
“Why do you think he won’t sell me the business? He doesn’t trust me anymore. And I don’t think he ever will.”
“Again, has he ever said that to you?”
“Yes.” Or did he? What did he say? Cody thought back over their conversations. Huh, he couldn’t remember a time his dad had actually said those words. “I guess he’s more or less just said things like ‘you know why I won’t sell to you.’ I know he means that I can’t be trusted with a boat.”
Mia was silent for a moment. “I still can’t see it. That doesn’t sound like your dad at all.”
“People change. These things can affect you…” He stopped himself. Obviously, Mia didn’t need his platitudes. She knew even better than he did just how much these things could change a person.
“I think you should talk to your dad about it. Don’t let him off the hook. Yourself either. You can’t keep being so passive.” Mia’s eyes flashed. “Ask him straight up if he blames you for the accident. At least that way you will know for sure. You will have a way to move forward.”
“And risk losing a relationship with him for good? I don’t think I can take more losses in my life.”
“Cody.” Mia squeezed his hand. “Loss is inevitable here on earth. It’s how we deal with it that matters.”
He covered her hands with his other one. “When did you get so wise?”
“Eh, I’ve always been an old soul.” Mia flipped her hand, palm up on the table. He fitted his fingers between hers before meeting her eyes again. Unshed tears pooled in them.
“What’s wrong?”
She swiped at a tear that escaped. “It’s not your fault Troy was there that night,” she said. “But it was mine.” She let go of him and covered her face.
What?
He scooted his chair closer to her and gently tugged her hands away from her face. Her eyes were red and full of tears. “What are you talking about?” He cupped her cheeks with his hands and wiped away a tear with his thumb.
“Troy didn’t want to go that night, but I told him we needed the money to help pay for Finn’s birthday gift. Your dad said he didn’t have to pick up the shift, but I talked him into it.” She covered her mouth with her hand as her eyes welled again. “So, you can stop blaming yourself now and blame me instead.”
“What happened to Troy is not your fault. Hey, look at me.” He tipped her chin up until she met his gaze. “It’s not on you.”
She blinked. A wetness formed in the corners of her eyes. Moving his hand up, he rubbed a thumb across the tear before it fell.
“I’ve felt so guilty these past two years. Like I stole Finn and Maggie’s father from them.”
“The lake stole Troy. Not you.” They had both carried so much guilt. He was finally letting it go. Perhaps he could help her do the same.
Her voice had dropped to a whisper now. “I’ve never told anyone about that. I just wish I could have apologized to him. I wish he knew how much I appreciated him.”
“Here’s what I know, Mia. Troy was crazy about you. He would have never held this against you.”
“I just wish I could hear him say it.”
“Let me say it for him. Mia, you are forgiven. But I really don’t think there was ever anything to forgive. Troy always did what was best for his family. If he was on the water that day, it was because he believed it was best.”
She gave him a watery smile. “What a pair we are, eh?”
“So eager to take the blame for an act of nature.” He tried for a grin, but it probably fell short.
“I’ve been trying to keep in mind that God is in control. I can’t do anything that isn’t seen by Him. Like the sparrow, you know?”
Her words dropped into his heart, and peace spread in its wake. “I like that,” he said. A lump in his throat made it hard to swallow. “I think the worst part about all of this is that it makes me worry that I will harm someone again. I think that’s why I keep delaying my boat project. Somewhere inside, I don’t think I should take the boat out again in case I kill someone else.”
“Oh, Cody.” Mia stood and moved around to where he sat. She put her arms around his shoulders and pulled him to her. He rested his cheek on her stomach and wrapped his arms around her waist as she held him tight. One of her hands stroked his hair. “Not only did you lose a friend that night, but you lost the thing you loved, your dreams of owning your own fishing company.”
“I thought I was making progress—going out with Liam and Pastor Arnie, and then again with you guys. But now Maggie is hurt, and it happened on my watch. It’s hard to imagine ever going near the water again.”
“That’s a real bummer, because we live on an island. Gonna be hard to avoid it.”
Her wry remark brought a smile to his face. He pulled back. His gaze roamed across her face. “Are you saying to get over myself?”
A slow smile lit her eyes. “I’m saying to cut yourself some slack. We all suffer losses, and we all will continue to, but that doesn’t mean we should stop living. I believe they call that the human condition.”
“Okay, but you need to take your advice too. What happened wasn’t your fault. We both know that Troy made up his own mind about things. He didn’t need you to convince him to go out on the water. He loved being out there. You don’t have to be stuck on the loss of him either.” Cody let go of Mia. The clock on the wall ticked past a few seconds.
Mia sat back in her own chair. His arms ached to reach for her again, but he held back.
“So, we both have things to work on,” Mia said. “No more feeling guilty. You need to talk to your dad. And we both need to focus on God being in control. He’s got the whole world in His hands and all that.”
The last thing he wanted to do was try to talk to his dad again. But Mia had a good point. Being passive had lost him so much over the years. It was time to fight for the things he loved.
After all, so far, it had worked with Mia. Maybe it would work for the fishing business too.