Chapter 17
Chapter Seventeen
E verything felt sore. Mia stretched out her limbs, but they still protested. This feeling was familiar. After Troy died, Mia learned that grief could show up in physical ways. Sure, her heart ached from turning Cody down last night. And, yeah, she did love him. He was right about that—she could admit it now. But she couldn’t watch him die.
After Cody had left, she’d fallen into bed and dampened her pillow with a thousand tears.
She’d made the right choice to let Cody go, but that didn’t make the choice any easier. Cody’s words kept beating on the door of her heart. “Don’t close yourself off from love just because you’re scared.” Well, too bad, Cody. She wasn’t that brave. And she couldn’t open her kids up to that potential loss. Cody had a special place in their lives, but she needed to keep it distant.
She checked the clock ticking on the wall. Any minute now, Dani would be calling with the news about her meeting with the council. She’d called Dani last night and told her she couldn’t make it to the meeting, and that she was out of ideas for filling the quota.
Mia cleared the last of the breakfast dishes off the table and set them in the sink. Maybe she’d have the energy to wash them later.
When the phone rang, Mia jumped. Dani.
“I’m sorry, Mia. I have very bad news.”
The oatmeal Mia had eaten for breakfast turned into a rock in her stomach. “They voted to foreclose on the house.” Tears sprang to her eyes. She’d failed.
“Yes.” Her cousin sniffed. “I argued for you for as long as I could, but they stood firm.”
Mia sank into one of the kitchen chairs. “I would have hoped Dad would also be on my side. Didn’t he stand up for me at all?”
“He wasn’t able to be at the meeting. I’m not sure why. I’m coming over,” Dani said. “I’m packing up right now.”
“No. You don’t have to do that. I’m fine.” Or she would be, somehow. She just needed to figure out a way to land on her feet again. “I’ll talk to you later.” She hung up with Dani and then watched the clock as it ticked off the seconds. Each click sounded like a death knoll.
Enough.
In the dining room, her laptop rested under stacks of paperwork. She shoved those aside and opened the lid.
She called up the tab on her laptop where she’d saved the housing searches. Two of the apartments were now unavailable, and the other two, both one bedroom, appeared smaller than when she’d first hunted around.
Finn and Maggie wandered in, Finn clutching a car from Cody in his hand. A frown crossed his mouth. “Mom, are you crying?”
Was she? She put a hand to her cheek, and it came away wet. “It’s nothing, honey. I’m okay.” She cleared her throat. “I’m looking at some new places where we might live.”
Finn peered at the laptop screen. “Like that yucky brown one?”
“It’s not yucky.” But she couldn’t deny that it was brown. Very brown.
“It is gross.” Finn put his little hand on his hip. “It looks like p—” She quickly put her hand over his mouth before he could finish the sentence.
Okay. That eliminated one more choice. She did some quick calculations. If she worked part-time, and maybe even got back into the realty business with its flexible hours, she might be able to afford something larger. But how was she going to find childcare?
She looked down at Finn and Maggie. They smiled up at her. Even if she could find a job, childcare, and a place to live, and those were some mighty big ifs, how could she take them away from their family and the island that they all loved? If she lived on the mainland, there was no way she’d be able to afford to take the ferry crossing as often as she wanted.
She thought of the empty bedrooms in her parents’ house. Evie’s words about having a conversation with her dad came to mind, and she tightened a fist. Scrawling some numbers out on a paper, she estimated how long it would take to save for a down payment on a better place.
She dialed her mom’s cell phone. “Hi, Mom. Can I come over?” For her children’s sake, she would put aside her pride and become the proverbial prodigal.
Putting the kids in the bike trailer made for them, Mia rehearsed what she would say to her dad. Finn and Maggie jabbered the whole way there. Their happy voices turned her resolution into steel.
A mile of hard biking and her parents’ house with its sweeping porch and turrets came into view. She knew when the weather warmed, her mom would hang baskets of flowers along the porch, and her dad would drag the Adirondack chairs out of storage. She shook off the memories of this place she hadn’t called home in years. She was here for her children. Not because she belonged.
Sure, she’d been back many times, but always with a buffer of other people. Today she was on her own.
Mom opened the door. She gave Mia a quick embrace. “Dad’s in his study. I’ll take care of these two.” Mia rested a hand on each child’s head briefly before they ran off to the kitchen where they knew Grandma would have a treat.
Mia walked down the hall toward her dad. Along the wall hung pictures of the whole Jonathon family. It felt like walking through time. She started with their baby pictures and then she and her siblings grew up over the course of school photos, a few family portraits thrown in here and there. Evie’s wedding photo marked the change into a new generation. Mia paused at the last family photo with all of them in it.
Taken right before she’d left for college, the family appeared perfect in every way. Too bad she’d spoiled all of that less than a year later.
She moved on. No photo of her courthouse wedding graced the wall. But here were Finn and then Maggie as scrunched-up babies. Then more of all the cousins.
Too soon, Mia reached her destination. She hadn’t been in her dad’s study since the night almost five years ago when she’d broken the news that Finn was on the way. It hadn’t changed since then. A faint smell of leather and sandalwood hung in the air. She rubbed her damp hands along her pant leg.
Her dad sat at his desk. She hesitated in the doorway until he turned to her. A smile lit his face. His thick, salt and pepper hair framed a face with more wrinkles than she remembered. Was he getting old? How had she not noticed that? They hadn’t spent much time together lately, but still. You should know if your dad is getting old.
“Hey kiddo!” He still had the same booming voice. “Mom said you were coming by.”
“Hi, Dad.” She crossed to him. He rose and gave her a hug. Her arms stayed stiffly by her side.
“Let’s sit over here.” He led her to the two leather chairs framing the wall of bookshelves. “I heard Cody was out on the lake last night. I’m glad he made it home safely. That’s a relief. I like that kid.”
“Yes. He weathered the worst of the storm.” The thought of Cody poked her heart again, so she shoved it away. That was over now.
Her dad must have noticed the look on her face. His grin dropped away. “This doesn’t seem like a pleasure visit. What can I do for you?”
Mia twisted her fingers together. “Dad, I know things haven’t been great between us, but I was wondering if you would allow me to move home for a while.”
“You want to move home? I thought you liked your house? Lilac Lane is a pretty part of town.”
“I—I can’t afford to live there anymore.” She gripped her cold hands together as she outlined how Troy’s insurance had been eaten away and then their meager savings. “As you obviously know, I had that deal with the city and the development committee to pay off my mortgage with a dollar.” She breathed deep. She could do this. “But I didn’t meet my quota.”
“I heard that the council voted against paying off your mortgage but…” His face creased. “That means you’re losing your house? Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I thought you would have found out by now.” She shrugged. Maybe her money problems weren’t as much of a source of gossip as she thought.
“I knew about the deal, but I never suspected it was out of necessity. I thought you used Troy’s insurance policy to keep paying for the mortgage.”
“I did for a while, but his policy was so small…The kids and I have been living off the rest.” Did she have to repeat herself?
Her dad reached out a hand to her but let it drop to his knee. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize how hard it has been for you. Why didn’t you come to us before?”
“You’ve never approved of anything I’ve done, from marrying Troy to any of the decisions I’ve made since then. I guess I just didn’t want to disappoint you again.” She laughed without joy. “Look how that turned out.”
“Honey, it was never about disapproving of your choices. Was I surprised when you got pregnant? Sure. I didn’t handle that very well, and I’m sorry for that.” He reached out to her again, but she didn’t reciprocate. “I should have told you that you are loved unconditionally and the choices you made and the baby, Finn, who was a result of those choices, didn’t change the fact that I love you, and I always will.”
Tears pricked at her eyes. “You turned away from me.”
“What do you mean?”
How could he not remember? “That day. When I told you about Troy and the baby…I was crying, and you just sighed then called for Mom and walked away.”
“I—” His eyes reddened. “I wasn’t turning my back on you. I was starting to cry. I wanted to be strong for you, to pull myself together so we could make a plan. I knew your mom could give you some comfort, so I left the room. By the time I got back, you were gone. I’m so sorry I made you feel unwanted. I should have responded better.”
“It just seemed like you were so angry with me. I wish I had known that was what was happening. We could have cried together.” All fight left her, and she slumped in her chair. “You looked so disappointed.”
“Your mom and I wanted the best life for you. We didn’t know how that would happen if you were a mother at nineteen, but then we saw how happy you were with Troy and how much he loved you and took care of you. We wanted to make amends.”
Mia remembered then that they had tried to reach out to her, but she had continually kept them at arm’s length. She didn’t want her poor decisions to affect Troy and Finn, so she’d avoided situations where her parents could pass judgment on them.
“I’m sorry, Dad. I misjudged you.” Ironic, since that was what she thought he’d done to her. She leaned forward and took his hand. His eyes were red and shiny with unshed tears. Hers probably were the same. “I should have given you a chance to explain. By the time Troy and I were married, it seemed to matter less. And then Maggie was on the way, and then Troy…I should have listened to you. I thought I needed to do it on my own.”
Her dad stood and pulled her to her feet. A moment later, she was engulfed in his arms. She breathed in the safety of being held by him.
Just like that, he was her dad again, broad shoulders that could help carry her burdens. “We all need each other.” She heard his voice deep in his chest where her ear rested. He pulled back a little, not letting her out of his embrace, just enough to look her in the eyes. “More than that, we all need God. People will always fail us, but God never will. You don’t have to do this all alone.”
“Thanks. I think I’m finally figuring that out.”
“Of course you can move home, but maybe a better option would be for us to help you with the mortgage?”
She let go of him, and he released her as they both sat back down. “No. As much as I would like that solution, I can’t manage any part of the mortgage without a job. I don’t want to be in debt to you and Mom. I need to find a cheaper solution. Living in the house on Lilac Lane is a dream that needs to die.” Tears pricked her eyes again as she thought of leaving her little home. But the thought didn’t hurt as much as she’d expected. The knowledge that her mom and dad were on her side helped.
Her dad nodded. “Okay, I’ll respect your decision on this. It sounds like you’ve thought it through.”
She reached into her bag and pulled out a sheet of paper. “I still have my real estate license.” She handed him the paper where she’d outlined her expenses and a possible timeline. “I think if I start a real estate business, I wouldn’t have to live here very long before I can afford to rent something nicer in Port Joseph or another town over there than what I can currently afford.” She pointed at the bottom line. “Once people start moving back to Jonathon Island, business will pick up. And, when the hotel is finished, we’ll probably see a housing boom too. If I can sell that many houses a year, I might be able to save for a down payment on another house.”
He rubbed his chin as he looked at her numbers. “This all looks good.”
Her heart swelled. “Thanks, Dad.”
He handed back the paper and leaned back in his chair, steepling his fingers. “Where does Cody fit into this plan of yours?”
She rubbed at her chest. “Cody?”
“What does he think of all these plans?”
“I don’t know. He doesn’t know about the meeting and the vote.” She swallowed hard.
A line appeared between her dad’s eyebrows. “Don’t you think he would like to discuss this with you?”
“Why would I discuss this with him?”
“I know I haven’t been a stellar father to you lately, but the whole island is aware that you and Cody are in a relationship. I just think it would be a good idea to discuss everything with him.”
She dropped her gaze to her hands. “I told Cody I couldn’t be in a relationship with him. It’s too hard.”
“Sweetie, love is hard. But it doesn’t always end in tragedy. You can’t let what happened with Troy cut you off from love. Where would it stop? Would you stop loving your kids because they will leave someday?” He covered her clasped hands with one of his own. His heat seeped into her fingers. “Don’t harden your heart. Sure, being vulnerable is hard, but the rewards are so very worth it.”
“When I learned that Cody was out in the storm, I was so scared. What if I lost another man that I love? Plus, I don’t think he trusted me to make it on my own.”
“Sounds to me you are already losing him, but this time by a choice you are making. Does it hurt less?”
Her gaze flew to her dad. A softness lingered around his eyes. “No. It hurts pretty much the same.” In fact, it felt like tearing out her heart with a filet knife.
He smiled. “I think this is more about your desire to control the loss in your life. You think if you can control it, it will hurt less. But it doesn’t work that way. All loss hurts. And there will be plenty of pain in life, but you don’t have to choose this one. It’s worth the risk.” Her dad leaned toward her. “I hate to break it to you, but none of us can make it on our own. We all need each other.”
Her dad’s words jangled through her brain, chasing her home and all through the bedtime routine with her kids. After she’d tucked Finn and Maggie in for the night, she laid on the couch and stared at the ceiling. Being vulnerable is hard, but the rewards are so very worth it.
She pictured Cody, his goofy smile, his kindness with the kids, his wisdom, his poetic nature. And he’d never said she couldn’t do it on her own, just that he wanted to help her, to support her and her decisions.
Yeah. You’re right, Dad.
Loving Cody was worth the risk.
* * *
Cody woke up feeling like he’d wrestled a six foot, one-hundred-pound lake sturgeon single-handedly into his boat.
He’d walked like a robot through the day yesterday after Mia had broken things off with him. Then, last night, he’d tossed and turned in his bed, hashing through the arguments for and against all of his dreams. He’d cried out to God throughout the night, asking for wisdom.
Then, this morning he’d called Liam and told him what had happened on the water and how Liam’s words had helped.
“That’s great,” Liam said. “You sound tired.”
He told Liam what he’d been wrestling with all night. “I don’t know if I should give everything up or keep fighting.”
“You don’t have to let one bad thing define you. Or even a series of bad things.” Liam cleared his throat. “God loves you, man, and that’s what defines you. Do what He created you to do.”
He hung up with Liam with a renewed determination. He respected Mia’s decision to not have a romantic relationship, even if the thought felt like having fishhooks stuck through his heart. But he could still chase after the dream of reopening the fishing company.
Even after the storm the night before last, he couldn’t deny that the passion for being on the water burned bright in his chest. While he would have given up all of that for Mia, he couldn’t imagine a better life.
He briefly toyed with the idea that he should give it up just to show her he was serious about her, but he knew she wouldn’t be happy if he did that. Part of respecting her decision was making some of his own.
He pulled on a pair of joggers and a lightweight jacket and then his running shoes. He’d take his morning run and end up at his parents’ house.
Time to confront his dad once and for all. Time to fight for what he wanted and not to just wait for loss to find him.
The sun shone bright in the blue sky as he pounded the trail. After running a mile out and back, he turned up the road that led to his parents’. When he got close, he saw that the shed door stood ajar. He slowed his pace, evened out his breathing, and went in.
“Hey there, Cody.” His dad stood near the tool bench, a fishing rod in his hand. “Lily caught her first fish with this rod. For a while I thought she might be the fisherman between you two. She could catch a fish just by looking in the water.”
Cody laughed. “Our good luck charm.” Was his dad really starting to talk to him again? Incredible.
His dad hung the fishing rod back on a hook then took down a different one. “This is the rod you caught your first fish on, do you remember that?”
Cody remembered the bright summer morning, the feel of the tug on the line, then the overwhelming pleasure of landing the fish. It had flopped around in the bottom of the boat until his dad picked it up and showed him how to pull out the hook. “I think I cried.”
“No shame in having some emotions. That was a big day for you.”
Did he accidentally turn down Memory Lane? “Dad, I didn’t come over here to reminisce.” He leaned a hip against the tool bench. “But I guess that’s a good place to start. You know how much I love fishing. Both tossing in a line for breakfast on the beach and doing the commercial fishing with you. You taught me to love it.”
His father nodded but wouldn’t meet his eye. “You used to be the most passionate fisherman I’ve ever met.”
“And I want to rekindle that fire. You can’t ask me to give that up. I don’t want to give it up.” He noticed his hands flailing and tucked them into his pockets. “Why, Dad? Why don’t you want me to buy your business? And the fishing license?”
The hand holding the fishing rod trembled. “I lost my best friend out there. Not to mention Troy. Two fine men.”
“Do you still blame me for the accident? Is that why? Because you don’t trust me out there?”
“Blame you? I don’t blame you. If anything, I blame myself. I should have let that one go. We’d already put in a full week.” His dad passed a hand over his eyes. “I heard about that school of fish, and all I could think about was how it could be an extra mortgage payment for your mom and me. We didn’t really need the money, but I thought if I could pay off the house, I could save up to take your mother somewhere nice for our thirtieth anniversary.” His dad looked at him, eyes pleading for understanding. “I don’t blame you, Cody. You did everything right.”
“Then what? You still haven’t answered my question. Why can’t I buy you out?” His belly still churned. The admission from his father salved some of his wounded heart, but if it wasn’t that his dad blamed him for the accident, what could it be?
“I’m scared!” The words exploded out of his father. He turned and braced both of his hands on the bench. His shoulders hunched, knuckles white. “I don’t want to lose my only son the way I lost my friend—the way you lost yours. Every time you talk about going back out on the water, a kind of panic comes over me.”
“Dad—”
“No, let me finish. It’s been a long time coming. You were right to make me talk about this.” His dad heaved himself up and away from the bench. He faced Cody square on. “When I thought about you going back out on the water, I thought I would lose my mind. Your mother reminded me that all my worrying wouldn’t keep you safe, only God can do that. She said you are written on His hand.” He rubbed the top of his head, a gesture Cody recognized as resignation. “I’ve got a ways to go, but your mother was right. I need to leave your safety up to God. People die all the time from all sorts of things: cancer, car crashes, heart attacks. It’s out of our control.”
Something loosened inside him. “I’m not likely to be struck by a car on this island.”
His dad met his eyes. Then started chuckling. Pretty soon the both of them were laughing together.
“My sides hurt.” Cody wiped at his eyes. “I needed that.”
“Me too. Things were getting a little too touchy feely there for a minute.” His dad smiled, all his teeth showing. He breathed deeply, his shoulders rising and lowering. “Listen. The truth is I’ve lost the taste for fishing. Some part of me wishes you had as well.”
“Oh.” Cody started to say more, but his dad held up a hand to stop him.
“But I’ve been giving it a lot of thought, and your mother keeps after me about it.” His dad raised an eyebrow. They both knew how stubborn Cody’s mom could be when she set her mind to something. “Just because I’ve given up that life doesn’t mean you have to.”
Cody lost a breath for a moment. “What are you saying?”
“I will give you the license and sell you the rest of the equipment. No timeline. You can start using it whenever that boat of yours is seaworthy, and you can pay me some with every catch.” His dad handed him the fishing rod from his first catch. “The business is yours if you still want it.”
Cody whooped and hugged his dad. “Thank you!” A thousand fireworks were going off in his stomach. He grinned so wide he thought his face would split in two. His dad grinned right back at him.
A few minutes later, he stood in the yard blinking at the bright sunshine. Were his feet touching the ground? Everything in him ached to run to Mia. He clenched his hand.
A bittersweet day.
Time to get back to work on that boat engine. He’d need it soon now.
He started walking back to his shop. At the junction of Partridge Lane and Main Street, he spotted Dani walking down Jonathon Lane.
“Hey, Dani.” He waved at the blonde.
She startled. “Hey, Cody.”
“Sorry. Didn’t mean to interrupt your thoughts.”
“I was just imagining all the new people who will be moving on island over the next couple of weeks. It’s an exciting time.” Dani blew a hair off her face.
“You don’t look excited.”
“I just can’t keep myself from worrying about Mia.”
His heart stopped. “Mia? Why? Is there something wrong?”
“Didn’t she tell you? She didn’t meet her quota, so the council can’t honor her one-dollar mortgage.”
“Can’t or won’t?” Something like a growl worked its way up in his throat. They wouldn’t seriously turn a widowed woman and two small children out of their home, would they?
Dani shrugged, palms up. A grimace passed over her face. “I tried to talk to them, but they stood firm. The Kelleys said that I shouldn’t get a vote because I’m biased. And Uncle Seb wasn’t at the meeting. She signed the contract, so they feel justified. She told me yesterday that she’s moving home.” Dani frowned at him. “I thought Mia would have told you all this.”
Right. So sometimes news didn’t travel fast on Jonathon Island. “Mia and I broke up. Or whatever you call it when two people went out on one date and are developing feelings for each other and one of them calls it off.”
Dani swatted him in the chest. “Why did you break up with her?”
“Me? No, she broke it off with me.”
“And you just let her?”
“I—”
“Is there something wrong with my cousin? Is she not good enough for you?” Dani put her hands on her hips.
“No, she’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I don’t want to lose her.” The realization wrapped around him. He straightened his spine. The promise he’d made to her about waiting a hundred years still held. He loved Mia, and he wasn’t going to let that good thing go.
“Well, get her back, you idiot!” Dani propped her hands on her hips. “Why are you still talking to me? Go, fight for the girl. But go slow with her, she is scared to love again.”
“How? I want to respect her wishes. She’s afraid to lose me like she lost Troy. So how can I show her that love is worth the risk?”
“She’s not just worried about that. She’s worried to need you. But she does need you—so show her that. Do something for her that she can’t do for herself.”
“Like what?”
Dani tapped her chin. “I think I have an idea.”