32. Ben
BEN
A beam of light breaks through the crack in the curtain, waking me from a blissful sleep.
I didn’t get too involved with the party last night. I was too busy wrapped up in Mandy and my love confession. We ended up drifting off to sleep together despite the noise outside.
I don’t know what time people left, but I drifted in and out of sleep as different noises roused me. But Mandy was there beside me every time, and she’s still—
Wait, where is she?
I run my hand across her space on the mattress, but all I can feel is a rumpled sheet. I bolt upright and start searching the room.
Did she leave without saying goodbye?
Or is she just getting a coffee or—
There she is.
My shoulders relax and I drink her in. She’s sitting in the bay window, her lean legs tucked up to her chest, her sleek dark hair draped over one shoulder. She’s already dressed for the day in her denim shorts and little red tank top with the shoestring straps. Damn. She’s so sexy right now.
Her tongue darts across her bottom lip as she pulls the curtain a little wider to peek out through the window.
So she’s the one who let in the light that woke me.
Not a problem.
If I get to wake up to that view, I’m a happy man.
For a fleeting second, my mind jumps into the future, and I wonder if I should be looking for a place this year. I’m kind of over dorm life, and it’d be nice to invite Mandy around on the weekends. We could hole up in my room and make love all night.
That sounds like paradise to me.
I smile when she turns to spot me watching her.
“Hey.” I grin.
She swallows, her smile kind of forced as she stands up and smooths her hands down her shorts.
Why is she dressed already?
I pat the bed, silently coaxing her to lie down beside me. I can take those shorts off again, no problem. It would have been way sexier to find her in nothing but one of my shirts, but that’s okay. Undressing her is part of the fun.
“I’m, uh…” She shakes her head, rejecting my invitation and crossing her arms instead.
My eyebrows wrinkle, this weird sensation pulling at my gut. She looks nervous for some reason.
“Baby, are you okay?” I keep my voice soft and gentle, worry for her coursing through me. What happened while I was sleeping?
“I’m not your baby,” she whispers, dipping her head.
She says it so softly, I’m not sure I heard her correctly. The sheet rustles as I pull my knees up, resting my forearms on them and trying to remain cool and calm. Trying to ignore the pull on my gut. The pull that’s becoming a hard, painful yank.
I must have misheard her, so I shake my head and clarify, “Sorry, what was that?”
She clears her throat, her voice coming out crystal clear. “I’m not your baby. I’m not your love. I’m just…” She flicks her arms wide, looking at me with a desperation that makes my insides convulse. “I’m your summer fling, Ben. That’s it.”
What?
The word is a shocked whisper in my brain, followed by this keening internal wail that escalates into the realization of what is happening right now.
Oh shit.
My body goes cold for a second, this horrible, ugly sensation dawning like a scorching red sunrise that you’re not interested in. The words filter into my brain in tiny pieces that come together, forming a coherent thought that squishes my heart to a pulp.
Fuck.
That’s…
Fuck! Why is she saying this?
“You weren’t supposed to fall in love with me.” Her eyebrows crinkle, like she knows this is hurting me but she’s not sure what else to do. “I wasn’t expecting you to say that. I didn’t realize the feelings you had for me were so deep, and I just… it wouldn’t be fair of me to string you along.”
She doesn’t want me. Just like Caroline didn’t want me.
Closing my eyes, I feel a sick nausea brewing and run a hand through my hair, clenching my jaw. I suddenly wish I wasn’t naked under this sheet, because I want to fling it off my body and jump out of bed to wrap her in my arms and beg her not to say this shit to me.
I told her I loved her, and she lay in bed all night, no doubt rehearsing breakup speeches.
Dammit. I wish she had just snuck out and left. Would that be less painful than having to hear this shit?
“I thought we were just having a little fun.” Her voice breaks. “I thought we set this up to be a summer romance, just a simple sex-fest. It made sense, you know? Our families live near each other, and I…” She huffs. “I was never going to keep dating you when school went back.”
My eyes open in time to see her wince. She feels bad but looks resolved. I put her in this awkward position by declaring my love.
But that’s how I felt.
How I feel!
She’s breaking my heart right now, and all I can do is sit on this bed looking at her with a no-doubt crushed expression.
Her smile is sad as she picks up her bag and lifts it onto her shoulder. “I’m sorry, Ben. You’re a really sweet guy, but…”
Not the one you end up with.
Fuck!
Why does this keep happening to me?
I’m nice.
I treat women well.
I spoil them. I buy them flowers and pay for their meals. I open doors for them and make sure they’ve got everything they want and need.
I pursue them. I never make them feel like they’re not special.
But they keep pushing me back.
Do girls not want nice guys? Is that it?
Do I have to be some kind of asshole like Mac or Casey Pierce to get a woman to fall in love with me?
Do I have to not genuinely care about the people I’m sleeping with?
Like Sawyer, who never wants to be anything but a bachelor.
He’s always got girls flirting with him. Is that who I have to become?
That doesn’t make sense in my brain, but as Mandy grabs her keys and clutches them in her hand, whispering one more sorrowful apology to me, I have to wonder if I’ve had this wrong the whole time.
“Goodbye, Ben. Thanks for…” Her voice trails off, and she gives me another hopeless wince. “I had fun.” Her smile is apologetic as she slips out the door.
I want to tell her that if I’m so fun, why the fuck is she leaving me? I want to shout after her that the summer’s not over yet!
But… fuck that.
Clamping my mouth shut, I manage to swallow down those desperate words. Like I’m going to keep dating her just so she can dump me all over again. I still have some dignity, right?
But only just.
Shit! I’m pathetic!
What the hell is wrong with me?
Why don’t these girls want me?
The questions sink into my bones until I can practically feel them embedding in my marrow.
I don’t have the answers.
All I can do is sit on this bed, like I’m in catatonic shock or something.
I gave her my heart. I fucking handed it to her on a platter, and she chopped it into tiny pieces.
A summer fling.
That’s all I was.
“Dammit,” I mutter, scraping a hand through my hair and flopping back onto my pillow.
Staring up at the ceiling, my eyes burn as I resist the urge to yell and start punching her pillow.
Fuck!
I thought I’d found the one.
I thought I’d gotten over Caroline and moved on.
I thought Mandy was the girl for me.
But nope. Once again, stupid, clueless Ben gets left out in the cold.
I hate this feeling so damn much.
“Argh!” Thumping the mattress with the side of my fist, I pound it a few more times, my chest heaving as I force myself to make a decision I should have made a long time ago.
I am done with women.
Fuck them!
Fuck them all!
It’s time to stop trying to feed my romantic heart and just focus on the things I can have success with. Like my degree and my friends and family who actually do want me.
Flicking back the covers with another growl, I start shoving my clothes on.
I was looking forward to today… until Mandy went and shit all over it.
Now I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with myself.
Just go home, I guess, or—
A roar from somewhere down the hallway has me pinging straight. Zipping up my shorts, I flag my shirt and bolt out of the room.
It sounds like someone just lost a limb.