Chapter 39
THIRTY-NINE
WARREN
I avoid sleep, don’t dare shut my eyes.
Visions of her panicked expression when she found me on New Year’s Day still infest my brain.
I could’ve hurt her. I’ve survived off a few hours’ sleep for years, choosing exhaustion over the nightmares.
Yet, when her gentle touch lifted me from the dark haze while she lay next to me, I slept better than I had in a long time.
It would be so easy to allow myself the same luxury again.
But also selfish.
Which is why I lie awake in agony while watching her sleep peacefully in my arms.
I can’t understand it. Why does she want me?
It can’t be the same want coursing through my body like running lava. There’s no burn, though. Her presence soothes my hidden scars, and her kisses have the ability to revive me.
We allowed ourselves one more selfish act before finally putting our restless feelings to sleep, once and for all.
I look around her bedroom. Compared to my lifeless house, this is a mansion. Not of size, but of life. In a short time, she’s filled it with such warmth and character, it would be easy to stay here forever.
I lay a kiss on her cheek and unravel myself from her soft body. My movements are careful and quiet, or so I thought.
“You’re leaving?” A drowsy voice stops me in my tracks.
If I look at her, I’ll stay and want her kisses again. Kisses I’ve no right to claim as my own.
“I need to go to the firehouse.” It’s somewhat of a lie. “Go back to sleep. It’s late.”
The covers rustle behind me, and she makes a sweet, contented noise. Swayed by temptation, I risk a glance at her. Blue eyes peek out from the top of the comforter, her hair mussed from sleep.
Perfection.
“Thank you for bringing me to bed.” Her voice is muffled. “I thought I’d be too heavy to carry.”
I’d carry the world on my shoulders for you.
“If you ever need a lift, call me,” I joke. “I’ll lock up behind me. Sweet dreams, Harriet.”
I’m bending down to gather my shoes when an airy whisper floats across the room, filled with far too much confidence than I deserve. “You’re already that man, Warren. You’re deserving of happiness as much as anyone else. I wish you saw that.”
The truth burns my throat. “I’m trying, but I’m…” Scared.
Harriet reads what I’m not saying. “Life is scary. This is scary. If I let fear dictate my actions, I wouldn’t have left home after college and moved halfway across the country.
I wouldn’t have met my amazing friends or found the courage to chase my dream.
I wouldn’t be here with you. Fear doesn’t have to holds us back, Warren.
” She closes her eyes and nestles farther into the bed. “Maybe it’s what drives us forward.”
Harriet’s words echo in my head, drowning out the radio on my way to the firehouse. I tell myself it’s because it’s closer than my house. It’s what I always tell myself. There are no surprised faces from the crew on shift tonight when I walk through the engine bay.
Springs dig into my spine, a draft coming from the window as I settle into a bunk.
The truth is, when Harriet invited herself over to my house, it wasn’t because it’s messy or uninhabitable that I declined.
It’s because I’ve hardly slept there in almost two years, either choosing this very bed at the station, or my parents’ or Marcus and Diana’s guestroom.
Forward. Fear can drive us forward.
After years of being frozen and wanting nothing out of my small circle and job, I want to drag myself from my stagnant state. If not for me, for her. Or maybe for both of us.
“Looks like our time is almost up.”
My eyes cut to the clock on the wall, surprised to see my hour session with Kevin is nearly over.
“Time flies when you’re…” I offer my therapist a tight-lipped grimace.
He smirks. “Forced to attend therapy against your will?”
“You said it.” I straighten in my seat, getting ready to leave, when Kevin speaks.
“I’ve noticed a change in you since we first met. A good change.” He leans forward, face unreadable. “It’s nice to see. Is there anything new going on in your personal life or at work that might account for this?”
Weeks ago, I would’ve fed him lies to appease him. I’m not oblivious to my shift in attitude. My family has commented on it multiple times. Marcus hasn’t brought up Harriet again, but I can tell he’s itching to. Even my colleagues have approached me more often, asking questions or seeking advice.
I should’ve told Kevin about Harriet the moment she came back into my life.
Maybe a selfish part of me wanted to keep her to myself and away from the messy parts of my world.
Only, she’s at the center of everything I do these days.
She knows about my suspension, my failed marriage, and, for some absurd reason, she’s still here.
Marcus is right—I don’t give her enough credit.
Forty-eight hours later, and I still can’t shake the kiss in her kitchen and the words she left me with before I left the cottage.
“I met someone,” I say brusquely, eyes on the worn carpet under my boots. “Her name is Harriet.”
There isn’t an ounce of surprise in his reply. “That’s great. How long have you been seeing each other?”
I groan, regretting my choice of words. “We’re not seeing each other. We met in October, shortly after my suspension, at a local town fair. We, uh, spent the night together, never planning to meet again.”
The man across from me nods encouragingly.
“She ended up being the singer at my brother’s wedding.” I resist the urge to clench my fists at the memory of that evening. “Turns out, she’d been looking for me. We didn’t exchange numbers, and I wasn’t totally truthful about my job.”
“Why was she looking for you?”
Five seconds drag on like an eternity before I answer. “She’s pregnant. With my baby.”
This is the first time I’ve witnessed anything close to surprise on Kevin’s face.
“I didn’t handle it well at first. Since then, we’ve agreed to make a real effort at being co-parents.
There’s still a lot to come to terms with, which is why I’m telling you.
” I scrub a hand across my face and slow my breathing.
“She’s incredible. Patient, kind. I can’t imagine raising a child with anyone else, but lately, things have… progressed.”
“How?”
“I want to see where this can go outside of being co-parents. We both do. Or she did. I don’t want to rush anything and risk the strong relationship we’ve developed. I vowed to never be in a relationship again after Alison—until I truly got to know Harriet, and suddenly, I can see it again.”
“See what?”
“The light. Through everything I’ve been through, I can see something promising at the end of the tunnel, and I’m not afraid to fight for it.
The idea of being with her doesn’t frighten me as much as it did months ago.
I want to be the man she deserves—who my child deserves.
I want to try being a family. I want…to make her happy. ”
An anvil-sized weight lifts off my chest. I could never say all this to my friends or family. They know my past as much as Kevin, but they’d push me to dive head first without checking the waters. Kevin is pragmatic and won’t tell me to swim if there’s a risk of drowning.
The tides remain choppy, not yet safe for swimming, but over the horizon, behind the gray clouds that have stained my skies for so long, a flash of blue appears. I’ve grown tired of fighting the stormy currents, my legs weary and mind sluggish.
If I stop now, what was it all for? If there’s peace at the end, I can find the strength to make it.
If Harriet is there, waiting for me, I’ll do it. I’ll do whatever it takes.
He looks at his watch and settles back in his chair. “How about we extend today’s session into lunch?”
I exhale loudly. “I’ve got nowhere else to be.”
Fear has restrained me for far too long.
Today is an inch down a very long road ahead, but it’s something.