Chapter 16

CHAPTER 16

W hen Kyle spoke, his voice was gentle. “Was that okay?”

Like earlier, Scarlett started laughing—and Kyle’s insecurity in this area was getting a bit of a workout. But as she opened her eyes and looked at him, he couldn’t see any of what he’d feared from the laughter. There was a dreamy quality to her expression, a subtle contentedness, reminding him of his sister’s cat, the way she’d close her eyes in a smile and purr when you rubbed a finger under her chin just right.

Still…he held his breath until she answered.

“ Okay? Are you kidding? You couldn’t tell?”

“Well…”

“I could die right now and not regret anything.”

It was Kyle’s turn to laugh. “So it was good?”

Scarlett laughed again, and he realized it was only a chuckle instead of loud and boisterous because of his weight on her—so, reluctantly, he pulled out of her and rolled on his side, but he didn’t take his eyes off her face. She said, “I’m trying to tell you that tonight was the best sex I’ve ever had. Ever. Nothing else has ever come close.”

“Oh.” Unable to help himself, Kyle felt a sense of pride blossom in his chest and, with confidence, he pulled the condom off and peeked over the side of the bed, looking for a place to toss it.

“Sorry. There’s a trash can in the bathroom.”

“Okay.” Reluctantly, Kyle rolled off the bed and headed into the tiny room just off her bedroom. After flipping on the light switch, he put a knot in the top of the condom before tossing it into the trashcan between the toilet and sink and then washed his hands before returning to the bedroom. Her eyes still had that subtle satisfied look, helping assuage any remaining doubts he might have had.

But he had them for a good reason. Today, he understood that he hadn’t been the best lover for Hayley—and that had been due to so many factors. First, they’d been young. When he and Hayley had gotten together, Kyle’s experience consisted mostly of his hand and the occasional porno. Then there had been the drinking and the drugs—and they never talked about sex…not about what they wanted or even if she enjoyed it. Now, as a mature adult, he realized he’d been a huge part of why they’d broken up and he would have regretted it if she hadn’t found someone else who was perfect for her. Since then, they’d actually talked about their relationship, almost like scientists examining specimens. Based partly on what she’d said—but mostly on what she hadn’t—Kyle had vowed to be better. He didn’t want something like sex to ruin his next real relationship, if he ever got that chance again. He’d talked to his friends a little, including Wolf, and his therapist but then turned to the internet to read what it would take to be a good lover.

Asking Scarlett how she felt was part of it.

All of tonight had been a manifestation of what he’d learned. He’d been with a couple of women between Hayley and Scarlett, so he’d had a chance to try being a better lover, and that had helped. But tonight had felt pretty fucking good from his perspective, and he wanted to make sure it wasn’t all in his head.

Climbing back into bed, Kyle planned to pull Scarlett close, but she sat up, easing herself off the bed. “Just a sec,” she said, sliding off the side and walking toward the door. Goddamn, she was beautiful—and it wasn’t just her slight, lithe body…although Kyle couldn’t deny that he loved it, especially without clothing. When she flipped off the light, he assumed she was ready to sleep—but she’d left the lights in the main room and bathroom on and then opened the curtains that had been covering the window in her room.

Before she curled up next to him again, she said, “I want to watch the snow fall. And let’s get under the covers. It’s freezing in here.”

While they pulled the covers down the bed before getting underneath them, he couldn’t help smiling at her. Although it was dark, it was easy enough to see her as she snuggled into his arm, thanks to the ambient artificial light spilling in from the other rooms and the streetlamp at the corner of the block, illuminating the snow as it rushed to the ground. It was a hell of a storm, giving Kyle yet another reason to be glad he’d stayed.

Not that he’d needed it.

He only hoped Scarlett felt as good as he did—and if her face and her assurance were any indication, she did.

They were quiet for a while, just watching the snow fall, and he thought back over their last hour together. He wasn’t quite sleepy yet but he knew he’d have no problems drifting off when it was time. “Can I tell you something kinda funny?”

“Yeah. I’d love that.”

“I have to give you a little backstory first. So…you know Pedro, our bassist.”

Nodding against his chest, she said, “Mmm-hmm.”

“He’s a really funny guy. If he wasn’t such a good bassist, I’d tell him he needed to go into comedy. That’s how funny he is.” She nodded her head and looked at him, pulling her eyes away from the sight of the snow. “Anyway, he does this thing…like, anytime you ask him something that, um,” he paused, trying to find a way to describe it. “Like if you asked him something that you’d say yes or no to, if it’s a yes for him, he’ll say something outrageous and hilarious. Usually something really inappropriate. Like if you asked him if he was ready to eat dinner, he’d say, ‘Does a bear shit in the woods?’ or ‘Does the pope wear a funny hat?’” Those were things Kyle could remember hearing him say regularly.

“Okay.”

“Well, at the worst fucking time, I thought of Pedro tonight. When you asked if I had a condom, I almost said, ‘Does a bear shit in the woods?’ How stupid is that?”

Scarlett laughed again, the sound of her voice like music in his ears. “That just means he’s gotten to you.”

Kyle laughed with her, and it just intensified all the positive emotions flowing through his body and brain. “I guess. But I guarantee if I’d said some shit like that, it would have ruined the mood.”

“No doubt—but I’m glad you told me now. I bet it’s hard to keep a straight face around him.”

“Yeah. The only problem is sometimes it’s hard to tell when he’s actually serious.”

She was quiet for a bit before she said, “My dad was funny. He used to crack jokes and tease all the time. I know he used to love making mom and me laugh. And she laughed so much. My dad knew exactly what to say to get her smiling and laughing so hard tears would stream down her cheeks.” After another few seconds, she added, “I miss that.”

Kyle wasn’t sure what to say—if anything—because he didn’t want to make her cry again. And he felt a simmering anger in his gut. What was it about this life that made two perfect parents who clearly loved their daughter deeply die when she was so young? While Kyle’s mom didn’t hate him, he doubted she cared much about him, evident by what had happened when Liam had died. He wasn’t wishing death on her, but he wondered why Scarlett had to lose her parents. It was bullshit.

He could hear his therapist’s voice in his ears: life isn’t fair.

As he squeezed Scarlett’s shoulder in comfort, he silently reminded himself that this was why he continued seeing his therapist—to either make sense of the nonsense or to cope with it, because he had no control over it. And drugs were not the way to let shit go.

Scarlett said, “Honestly, it was like she died when my dad did. She was never the same after that. I don’t blame her. She tried, though.”

Again, Kyle simply supported her by holding her close. He wished he could say something comforting, but he was afraid of saying the wrong thing. He knew how bad it had felt losing Liam…but was he ready to talk about it? It wasn’t the same as losing parents, so he decided to keep his mouth shut.

They sat in silence watching the snow continue to fall, and Kyle began to wonder how much was accumulating on the ground below. He’d never been one for watching forecasts, so anytime it rained or snowed was a pleasant (or not-so-pleasant) surprise. Tonight, for one of the first times, he was appreciating its beauty, thanks to seeing it through Scarlett’s eyes.

“Do you still have both your parents?”

Her question came out of the blue—and he started feeling like maybe he was being a selfish bastard by refusing to tell her anything. After all, she’d opened herself up wide and let him in without a second thought. Couldn’t he at least let her have a peek?

“Kind of. My dad bailed after my sister was born. I was maybe four and Cassie was one. I don’t remember a lot about him. I know he paid child support sometimes but he never came around. He sent birthday cards up until I was twelve or thirteen—but it was pretty clear that he never gave much of a shit.”

“What about your mom?”

That was the part that was going to be hard…but he felt like he had to tell her at least part of it. “My mom wound up raising all three of us by herself. She had a couple of boyfriends but they never stuck around. She was a CNA for as long as I can remember and she always worked her ass off. I know she’s working on becoming a nurse now.”

Scarlett was rubbing her hand on his chest, soothing him with her touch more than she could know. He forced himself to keep talking. “My brother Liam…his dad left right after Liam was born. Same with my dad, he paid child support—pretty unwillingly, I think—but he never came around. I know that fucked with Lee’s head a lot. And when he was ten, he was riding his bike down a hill on the south end of Charlotte, a hill where we all rode our bikes all the time. But instead of just rolling his bike down the hill, he came at it full speed from the dirt road that passed by it—and the weeds in front of the hill didn’t slow him down at all. He was flying down that hill so hard and so fast and I don’t know if he was trying to jump the train tracks or just couldn’t brake or turn before he got there. From the top, it looked like he was just going to go right over them, but he didn’t. The tracks weren’t flush with the road like they sometimes are when they meet with a road—and it probably wouldn’t have been so bad if he’d been wearing pads and a helmet. But he wasn’t. He got a concussion from it, but he also broke both wrists.”

Kyle could remember it like it had happened yesterday. “I called my mom and she left work and we all went to the emergency room at the hospital here in Silver City. My mom locked up all our bikes after that. But even after Liam’s casts were taken off and they told him he was better, he complained of pain. He said he never felt right after that and when I asked if there was something he could try…he would say it was his burden to bear. My mom always called him her ‘old soul,’ but I think she was just…what’s that word? Romanticizing? Is that a word?”

“Yeah.”

“I think she was doing that, kind of downplaying what Liam was feeling. He was the oldest and tended to take on more responsibility and shit anyway, and I think he wanted to live up to mom’s expectations. I think writing music helped him a lot, because he could put all those emotions into the words and the music itself and I think that helped him heal. But he also…self-medicated.”

Scarlett’s voice was soft. “Drugs? Alcohol?”

“Yeah. Both.” It was far too early for Kyle to tell her that he’d been roped in as well. His own personal pain had seemed insignificant compared to what his brother had had to endure throughout his life, but Liam had seemed to find a cure for them both.

Until the cure had become the new pain.

“When he died of an overdose, something inside my mom died too. It’s not that she doesn’t love me and Cassie, but it wasn’t hard to see that the sun rose and set on Liam with her. I know it would have hurt her no matter what, but I think she would have handled losing me or Cass easier.” It sure as hell didn’t help that she partially blamed Kyle for Liam’s death.

Scarlett’s hand moved up to his shoulder and she gave him a gentle squeeze. “I hope that’s not true.”

Kyle had long given up hope. “I don’t know.”

“She probably just needs a long time to process. They say everyone grieves differently—and you already know I’m still mourning the loss of my parents…and that’s been a long time.”

“That’s different.”

“I guess.”

They were quiet for a while and Kyle realized he was starting to feel drowsy, almost hypnotized by the steadily falling snow. It was coming down more slowly now, seeming to drift to the ground rather than rush. Finally, though, as he processed Scarlett’s words, he said, “You might be right. Maybe she needs more time.”

“When did he pass?”

“Last summer. Like a year and a half ago.”

“Oh.” She didn’t say more than that, but the way she said it hit him with force…it really hadn’t been that long ago, not when you considered his mother’s age and how long she’d had Liam up to that point. But what Scarlett said next really drove it home. “How are you handling his loss?”

Just being asked brought tears to his eyes, but he fought them back. He’d cried long and hard, mostly in his therapist’s office or alone in his room. That hole in his heart would always be there, but he’d discovered over the last few months that as he cherished the memories he had of his brother, the edges had started to fill in just a little bit.

All Kyle could do was nod, letting Scarlett know that he was nowhere near over the loss of his brother. She gently kissed his chest and began rubbing his shoulder with her fingertips again. As one lone tear escaped, her words pierced his heart and opened his eyes: if he was still hurting from Liam’s death, of course, his mother would still be hurting. While that didn’t lower the huge wall between them, the one she’d erected when she’d accused him of having a hand in Liam’s death, it at least allowed Kyle to see things better from her perspective.

Pulling Scarlett closer, he kissed the top of her head. “You’re pretty fuckin’ smart.”

“Not really.”

“You are.” It wasn’t long before he finally gave into sleep. The last thought he had before losing consciousness was that he knew he was falling in love with the woman in his arms.

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