Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen
JACQUELINE
“I hope to hear from you soon.” Leo nodded as he shook Signe’s hand before leaving. When he turned to me, he didn’t look at me. He glanced at the top of my head while I quickly returned his handshake and then dropped his hold. He nodded politely at the two of us, throwing a grin over to Signe, before leaving the conference room.
As soon as he turned the corner toward the elevators, officially out of sight, I felt like I could breathe again as I promptly made my way to the sensory room.
* * *
I almost didn’t answer the door when I heard his knock.
I stood there for a moment, staring at the knob, wondering if he would walk away if I didn’t answer. Then I realized that I didn’t want him to walk away, and I jerked forward to swing the door open as quickly as possible.
Leo stood there, one hand in his leather jacket pocket while the other held a bag of takeout from a Thai place we both liked, “Hey.”
“Hi.” I sighed.
God, Leo was a handsome man.
He must have ridden his bike here because his cheeks were flushed, and his hair looked like he’d recently run his hands through it to fight against helmet hair. I stared at the way his fingers flexed over their hold on the plastic bag, almost whimpering in disappointment from how I had insisted he not use those on me tonight.
“As normal as this is,” Leo’s voice startled me out of my horny fantasies, and when I met his eyes with my own, he was grinning, “May I come in?” It took me a second to realize he was referring to us awkwardly standing on the threshold while I ogled him.
“Shoot, yeah,” I stepped back to allow him entry, “Please, do come in.”
God, I was so weird.
“Jacqueline,” Leo sighed, setting the bag on the countertop before turning to face me. He planted both of his hands on his hips and lifted a dark eyebrow, “This is feeling way too formal for us.”
I panicked, folding my hands over each other while I took a step toward him, “I’m sorry. I’m being weird. I know. I just—” He stopped my rambling by cupping my face with both of his large hands and tilting my head back. When he pressed his lips against mine, I practically sighed into his mouth.
He brushed his lips against mine once, twice, before murmuring, “Relax for me, love.”
Just like he did that day in the parking lot.
So I did.
I melted into him, running my hands under his jacket but over his shirt, exploring the hard planes of his torso. I gripped the dips and ridges of his back, tugging myself against him so he could keep kissing me like we had all the time in the world.
After an indiscriminate amount of time, Leo pulled back and planted a quick kiss on my nose, “Better?”
“Yeah.” I reached up to kiss him again, and he allowed me to. His hands stayed on my face; they did not wander like mine were. My hands never reached lower than the hem of his shirt, and they never snuck underneath to feel that warm skin I craved the touch of. But I got my feel of him, regardless.
“Jacqueline,” I felt Leo’s lips pull back into a smile against mine, “Are you avoiding talking by kissing me?” I responded by kissing him again. And again.
“Maybe,” I murmured back against his lips.
Leo wrapped me in a tight, firm hug as he controlled the kiss to his liking. Forcing my lips open and dragging his tongue along mine in a way that promised dirty, dirty things I knew he would provide. Then suddenly, he pulled back and planted one last kiss on my forehead.
“I love kissing you,” Leo breathed against my hair, “But I also want to know what’s going on in that gorgeous head of yours.”
“Are you sure?” I dropped my head and rested against his chest, clutching his shirt at his sides. Thankfully, he wrapped both arms around me until I pulled away first. I craved that close contact with him. Every morning I started my day feeling like I was missing something. Like I forgot my keys or my phone, something that should always be on my person.
It was just Leo.
Leo was who I was missing, who I was craving.
And that thought terrified me.
So I forced myself to pull away and start digging into the takeout he brought over. Doing something with my hands helped me justify not looking at him as I spoke.
“Okay, so,” my shoulders inched higher and higher, my anxiety desperately trying to take over my body, “…Okay, so…”
“You’re killing me, love,” Leo chuckled as he helped me gather our things and move toward the kitchen island. He dragged a stool out for me with his foot after taking his own seat. The moment was so casual, so intimate.
I basked in it as I sat.
When he reached his foot out again to scoot my stool closer to him, I couldn’t hide my grin.
“I’m sorry,” I sighed, “I don’t know how to have conversations like this.”
“Feel free to lead into it however you’d like,” Leo took a bite of food before adding, “…Personally, I’d love if we could discuss my magic dick at some point.”
“Oh god,” I dropped my plastic fork and covered my face with my hands, “I’m so sorry. That’s what my therapist called it—”
“—I am a very big fan of your therapist,” Leo chuckled. I laughed too, lowering my hands to give him an amused look.
“Basically, I need to tell you how embarrassed I am that I didn’t, um…finish last time.”
“Why are you embarrassed?” Leo asked, lowering his eyes to his dish. He twisted his noodles around his fork, completely at ease. His casual body language helped me relax a bit as well.
“I just…it hasn’t been an issue between us before.” I shrugged, frowning as I stared at the way his long fingers held his fork. I watched him lift a bite to his mouth. It wasn’t a sexy thing for him to do, but I was a horn-dog since becoming intimate with him. Everything he did reminded me of what he and I could do together. The pleasure he was capable of pulling from me with little to no effort.
“Is there anything I could have done differently during that moment?” Leo asked, and god, the man sounded so genuine. It wasn’t a condescending question meant to lead me to some conclusion where I am at fault because the man did everything he could. If there was truly something else he could have done, he wanted to know.
Leo isn’t Vincent , the words rang in my head, much like they had before.
“I don’t think so, I actually think you handled it perfectly,” I sighed, “I wish I didn’t cry about it, though.”
“I think it’s okay that you did. It’s frustrating,” Leo spoke, “I have had times where I couldn’t quite finish myself.”
I lifted my gaze to his, “You have?”
“Yeah,” Leo lifted a shoulder, “I had just turned thirty, I hadn’t ever been unable to orgasm before, and I panicked. I thought my cock was broken.”
“Oh no.” I widened my eyes, realizing at that moment that while Leo was opening up to me about his inability to orgasm, I didn’t hold a single ounce of judgment for him. I wasn’t looking down on him. I didn’t think of him as less of a man or less of a sexual partner. I just listened to him and wanted to hear the rest of his story.
Perhaps that’s how he felt about me not finishing, as well.
“Thankfully, it wasn’t,” Leo smirked before taking a sip of water and returning the glass to the countertop, “I went to the doctor, who told me that my testosterone levels had dropped a bit. It is a common thing to happen to men in their thirties, apparently. Besides eating healthier and exercising more regularly, I was also on testosterone for a short period.”
I furrowed my brows, “What made you stop taking it?”
“I didn’t have the problem anymore,” Leo lifted a shoulder, “That first wank where I was able to finish felt like exhaling for the first time that year.” I laughed, and he grinned at my reaction, “But now I know that if I struggle with it again, that I can go back to my doctor and discuss getting back on testosterone to try to help.”
The next words out of my mouth didn’t feel like mine, they felt like Signe Lange’s. Something she would say. Perhaps I even heard her say it before, which was why it felt so natural for me to respond with them.
“And that’s gender-affirming care,” I smiled at my plate, dragging my fork along the outer edge of my noodles, before adding, “My therapist also suggested seeing a doctor, but she thinks that I’m just stressed about work.”
“What’s going on?” Leo’s brows pinched, and again, I was floored by the sincerity of his concern. Every time he asked me anything, it felt like a very intentional question. He asked because he was interested, and he cared.
I wasn’t sure how to deal with a man (who wasn’t my twin brother) genuinely, sincerely, caring about me and my woes.
“Brandon sent me a cryptic email about meeting with him next week and…” I frowned, “I know logically that it’s probably nothing. I understand that he has given me no reason to think that he’s disappointed in me or wants to fire me. But…my brain doesn’t care. My gut doesn’t care.”
Leo was quiet for a moment, before reaching his hand over and squeezing my thigh with his long fingers, “That would stress me out too.”
I looked up at him and did my best to give him a reassuring smile, but it wobbled.
“There was a while where I felt like I was just surviving,” his long fingers pressed into the meat of my thigh, tightening his grip, “After leaving my ex, I kind of became a shell. This person who put everything into her job, a job that I loved. I was so grateful to get hired at Sun Steer. I was slowly starting to make friends with other women in the office, which is really difficult for someone as odd as me.”
“You’re not odd,” Leo interrupted.
I shook my head once, “I’m odd. I’m cold, closed off, borderline rude, and bad at navigating social interactions the moment they’re happening. It’s okay, I’m at peace with these aspects of myself.” I lifted my eyes to lock onto his icy blue ones, “I know that it’s something I’ll actively have to struggle with the rest of my life. I know that I need to be more cautious about the expressions I make and the words I use, and I was doing well for a while.” I inhaled a shaky breath before pressuring myself to continue, “So well, that I thought it was time for me to explore my sexuality without the pressure of a boyfriend…”
Leo was silent, his eyes locked on mine as he waited for me.
“…You were the first person I felt safe and comfortable with to ask for what I wanted,” I bit my lip, “And then you got hired, as you should have. You’re great at your job. But I didn’t know how to blend those two aspects of my life. You’ve seen me at my most vulnerable moments, Leo.” I shook my head once, “I wasn’t prepared, and I handled it horribly.”
Leo shook his head, “You’ve already apologized for that.”
“Yeah, but,” I pinched the bridge of my nose, the sting of tears threatening my eyes once again, “Not being able to orgasm last time made me feel so disappointed in myself. I was embarrassed and felt ashamed. I thought I had been improving, but according to my therapist, there’s no such thing as a magic dick after all. My big fat brain will still keep me from crossing over that edge if it deems me too stressed to do so.”
Leo didn’t chuckle or laugh at the magic dick mention again, which made me lift my gaze to the ceiling, a tightening in my chest was starting again and I desperately didn’t want to cry in front of him for the second time this week.
But he didn’t care.
As soon as I squeezed my eyes closed, desperate to hold the tears in, the heat of his embrace enveloped me. His arms wrapped around my torso, tugging my body into his as if I needed to accept my fate. Leo’s mouth was on the top of my head, gently shushing and murmuring words of encouragement as I allowed a few tears to drip down my cheeks.
“You’re allowed to be stressed, Jacqueline,” Leo mumbled into my hair, squeezing me tighter as a soft sob escaped my lips, “You are not some orgasming robot. You’re a human, with a beautiful brain and a beautiful personality. I don’t need sex with completion to enjoy your company. I enjoy being with you, just like this.”
I laughed through another sob, “You don’t need to lie.”
“I’m not lying,” Leo squeezed me again, shifting his lips a little lower so they fell near my temple, “I’m here, eating dinner with you, instead of playing a new Lord of the Rings card game with Mary and Jamie. Because I would rather spend my evening talking to you, learning more about you, and discovering what is going on inside your brilliant mind.”
I sobbed a laugh again, and he pressed his lips against my head before asking, “What is it, love?”
“It’s just—” I cut myself off to swipe my hands under my eyes, still wrapped up snug in his embrace, “—you are so nerdy, oh my god.” I laughed again, and Leo scoffed.
Without warning, I was lifted off of my barstool, his arms holding me around my torso as he practically dragged me to my living room. I was laughing still, unbothered when the couch cushions hit my back and Leo’s warmth blanketed my front.
His fingers went to my sides, and I squealed.
“You think you can make fun of me, Jacqueline?” Leo was grinning wide, but it was hard to keep his joyful expression in my vision. I was very ticklish, and I had to squeeze my eyes shut to focus on playfully fighting against him, “I was a Tolkien-obsessed, queer boy raised by two mums in South London. Nothing can get to me.”
I squealed as his fingers found the inside of my thighs, “Leo!”
“I’m perfectly confident with my hobbies and interests,” Leo continued, successfully trapping my legs underneath him so he could continue his playful assault, “I may be a nerd, but I’m still the one who gets to spend most of his evenings between these lovely legs of yours.”
“Jesus,” I wheezed, giggling while also feeling a flutter of anticipation from his crude words, “You have a point.” His fingers were loosening up, and I could finally catch my breath. I lay there, my chest heaving, focusing on the calmness in my body that I was starting to become more familiar with in Leo’s presence.
Silence hung in the air while Leo adjusted over me, shifting to the side so that half of his body weight wouldn’t crush me while snaking his arms underneath so he could snuggle in. His head rested against my breasts, but he didn’t make a move. He just held me, content with the movement his head made as I inhaled and exhaled.
“…Thank you for talking to me, Jacqueline,” Leo’s voice was lower, calmer. A whisper. His voice reminded me of the conversation we were just having before he tickled me.
“…Thank you for listening,” I hummed, as I reached up and ran my fingers through his dark hair. It was so soft. The barest hint of product in it he must have applied in the morning, and yet, I still enjoyed the sensation of feeling his locks brush through my fingers. Against my knuckles.
Leo hummed in contentment as well, and I could feel his big body relax against me even more from my soothing touch, “…Will you go out with me?”
I hesitated for half a second before continuing my grooming, “Like, on a date?”
“Yes.” Leo didn’t look at me, he didn’t move a muscle. Part of me suspected that he was nervous, “Exactly like a date. Something with no sexual expectations. Just you and me spending intentional time together.”
I thought about it for half a second before I whispered my response.
As if this was a pinnacle moment.
Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn’t. It didn’t matter either way, because I knew what my answer was as soon as he asked me.
“I’d love to.”