Chapter Five
Ellis
My sweaty hands are shaking so violently I trap them between my knees for a moment of relief. Moments like this are supposed to be happy but instead I can still taste acid in the back of my throat after my latest trip to the bathroom. It could be morning sickness but I think it is anxiety. Seeing those two little lines after I’ve been in a committed relationship for less than two years shouldn’t make me this scared, but every second that ticks by as I wait for Michael to come home seems endless.
When the front door of Michael’s – or rather, our – flat opens, my heart pounds in my chest.
“No kiss? You’re slacking Ellis.” His voice fills the silence as I sit across the room from him. The only reason I’m not greeting him is because when I try to stand my knees buckle.
“Michael, we need to talk,” I reply.
“I’ve just come home Ellis, can a man have one fucking minute?” His tone is full of warning, but today I need him to listen.
“Michael, please.” I beckon him to the sofa. He lets out a sigh moving closer but I push through: “I’m pregnant.”
Without missing a beat, he responds, “Who’s the dad?” He sounds disinterested, but his unyielding glare sends chills over me.
“What?” I ask, sucking in a shaking breath.
“Tell me, who’s the dad?”
“You are!” I exclaim with him towering over me.
He scoffs. “Don’t lie, I always wear protection. I want a paternity test.” His skin flushes red. One vein on the side of his forehead starts to protrude an ugly purple colour.
“I haven’t slept with anyone else for nearly two years Michael, I wouldn’t cheat.” I want to soothe the situation. When he calms down from this he’ll be happier. He’ll hold me and kiss me, apologise for his outburst. It’s the only way we can get through this.
“Oh please, don’t try to tell me you’ve been faithful.” He rolls his eyes.
“You want a life with me, right? Why don’t you trust me?”
“I don’t want to waste my life like this, I have plans. Fuck!” He lets out a bitter laugh. “You know you’re not the only woman in my life, right?”
“Excuse me?” My whole body stills, breath catching in my chest. He must be lying. Trying to hurt me because I ambushed him, he loves me. He’s always said he does.
“Oh, come on Ellis, we both knew what this was. Neither of us wanted the baggage. Now you’re knocked up and want to lie to my face and tell me it’s mine! You must think I’m stupid.” His venom blasts against my skin, as much as I want to believe he’s lying, I don’t. Tears spring to my eyes, I feel so small on the sofa in front of him.
“It is yours! I’m not sleeping with other people. Tell me you’re lying, please .” I beg. “I thought what was between us meant more to you.”
“Get rid of it.”
I sit up in bed. The nightmare still fresh. The memory making me feel ill.
When I was pregnant with Jack, I had recurring nightmares of that day constantly. I didn’t realise how bad the relationship was until I was alone. Completely alone. When Michael kicked me out I had no one to turn to. When we first started dating I had some friends, but Michael didn’t like them. He hated how they would update me on Liam’s career, said that they were disrespecting him and our relationship by bringing up my ex. I understood his grievances, so I tried to make him comfortable. When I chose to start distancing myself from them, I didn’t realise I was going to lose them completely.
I don’t blame my friends, though. They got a hundred no’s when they invited me places. I would have stopped trying too.
The only thing that kept me from going back to Michael was Jack. On the day I was closest to calling him again, Jack kicked for the first time. Those little flutters pushed me to stay away. I wanted my son to have a good life, not one where he had to tiptoe around his father’s emotions.
I lie in bed looking at the moon through a crack in my blinds. I have to do it all over again – tell someone I’m pregnant – and not know what I might get in return. Liam is expecting me tomorrow but I didn’t tell him anything more, I couldn’t do it over the phone.
For now, I push my nightmare to one side, preparing myself to face it once again.