Chapter Seven
Ellis
“ You’re going to be a dad. ”
Why the hell did I say it like that? I had a whole speech prepared in my car. Not only was I prepared, but I had rehearsed it when I sat in the driveway for twenty minutes before knocking. But no! I ignored all the prep work I did and instead just blurted out the words like some inexperienced teenager, never mind an adult with a business.
Liam is going to hate me and kick me out of his home, I’m sure of it. That’s the main reason I got myself so tongue-tied in the first place. Why does his place have to be this fancy? It looks like a ready-made home straight out of a magazine and I am supposed to behave like a mature controlled woman . Not a chance, the man has what look like very expensive sconces for crying out loud. This is not some bachelor pad, it’s a house where I can picture a family. Therein lies the problem: I saw it and pictured our family here.
Our family? It’s ludicrous. But I’d love to have a home like this. I can see Jack’s bike on the path. A little row of shoes by the door arranged in size order. I can feel myself melting. I blame the hormones. I give it two more seconds before he comes to his senses and throws me out and wishes he never let me in the door today – or last month for that matter.
I’m waiting for the scenes to begin when Liam’s body falls to the couch behind him. The sound of him hitting the surface seems to echo through the space around us. After that, all I can hear is my heartbeat thumping. He touches a hand to his temple.
“You mean it? You’re pregnant? Have you spoken to a doctor?” His eyes are filled with bewilderment as he stares at my body stuck in place. From his position, his eyes are level with my belly button.
“Liam,” I begin, but I don’t know how to follow it up. There should be yelling and panic, but instead there is steady silence filled only with heavy breathing. When I don’t answer his questions, he looks up to my eyes again.
“I have an appointment in a few days, but I’m sure. I haven’t slept with anyone else, I swear to you,” I explain. Liam nods, allowing his gaze to drop back to my stomach.
“We’re going to have a baby, El?” His tone is serious as his eyes flick up to mine before he rises from the sofa, striding back to where I stand. “Thank you… for trusting me with this,” he says softly, pulling me into his arms. He buries his head in the crook of my neck.
I’m almost paralysed with shock. There should be some kind of fight. I expected at least some more questions, definitely not thanks . Why is he thanking me? You don’t thank a decade-old flame for a one-night stand.
“Why do you seem… happy ?” The words feel heavy on my tongue, and even heavier once they are in the air.
“Are you not? If you don’t want his baby I–I’ll understand. It’s your choice. I should have asked first.” He pulls back, shaking his head. “Fuck. I’m doing this all wrong.”
“I don’t know exactly how to feel, I guess I just expected something different,” I reply. Liam’s eyes have a glow that I hadn’t noticed until now. Have I been wrong about him? Maybe he isn’t the aloof womaniser I worried he would be now that he’s famous. Even when he had a bad boy attitude back in the day he was still a great guy. Sometimes he was too scared to show it.
I wanted Liam to stay the same when we broke up. But maybe this version, matured and experienced, is something better than I imagined.
“Ellis, you know I’ll support you. I care about you, even if we are technically exes…” His voice trails off slightly. “But if that isn’t what you want, I will support that too. Having two kids is a lot of work and if you don’t think your body can handle being pregnant… Or shit, if you just don’t want this baby right now, I will be right there with you. Just tell me what you need.” His words become a ramble as I drop my head to his chest and the tears begin to flow.
“I want to keep the baby.” I muster the courage to say. “I thought about it all, I thought about Jack… But how can you want this? You have a life and a career and you are so busy, it’s the middle of the hockey season and I just dropped this bomb on you.” I speak into his jumper.
“You want to do this, so we’re doing this. Don’t worry about hockey, we can figure that out as we go.” He strokes my hair as he continues. “We need to put you first, not hockey. I know the team will offer whatever support we need…” He stops for a moment, and I wonder what he’s thinking. I processed my emotions alone in my bathroom. But in real time, I’m watching Liam do the same, wondering who he’s going to tell, and how. How his life will change. What this means for both of us.
“I suppose we need diapers,” he says quietly.
“They’re called nappies,” I squeak.
“Shut it, little Brit.” He chuckles. “I think you should sit down,” he suggests, directing us both back to the couch. He takes me in his arms again when we flop down. “There’s a lot we need to talk about El.” I look up at him, waiting for him to begin.
“We might have to figure out if we are going to raise the little one to be British or American.” He raises an eyebrow jokingly.
“British, we came first,” I say decisively.
“Well, you sure did,” Liam quips.
Clocking onto his reference, I scrunch my nose. “Liam, oh my god.” His eyes are still shining, now with a tint of lust. “You’re a pain in my arse.” I pause, biting the inside of my lip. “Are we going to be okay?” I ask. “Co-parenting is hard for a couple who are actually dating, all we did was sleep together.”
I want us to be okay, but our lives are going to be tied together forever once we get up from this couch. My biggest fear is that he will one day hate me for dropping my life onto him and bulldozing the future he had pictured for himself. Having a baby is a lot of work, but I come with my own little family already and I don’t think Liam is ready for everything that is going to bring his way.
We can’t be more than co-parents; it just wouldn’t work. Between his travelling, my florist business, Jack’s needs, my own health… it would be a headache to even think about aligning our schedules to form a relationship again. I need to keep that wall between us, for both of our sakes. Even if we did date again, I can’t take another possible heartbreak. How could I care for two children while mending my disappointment? I can’t let my selfish desire to kiss him again cloud what is best for the baby.
“You don’t know Jack, and it’s been a long time since we spent time together. Real time. There is going to be crying. Not just the baby, me too. I cry a lot these days,” I admit on a watery hiccup.
“I’ll have to step up to it then, won’t I?” he confirms. “For the baby and even for Jack. But for now, I think we should stop catastrophising and talk about the next steps.” He shifts on the couch, sitting up slightly. “If you want us to figure out how parenting is going to work for us, you need to let me help where I can. You know more than me when it comes to babies, so I want to follow your lead. It’s your body, I want to support you.”
For once, I’m the one with the expert knowledge. Liam must remember how much I enjoy being in control. It’s why I run my life on a schedule, it makes the pain easier if I don’t have to think about the rest of my life as well. Meaning when I got pregnant the first time around I made sure to read every book under the sun that even mentioned pregnancy or birth. I joined a bunch of forums so I knew I was getting the real information and not just psychobabble about how I was going to glow and that the whole thing was going to be sunshine and rainbows.
Over the next two hours I relay all of the information he is going to need. At least for the first few months. I save the gorier details for another day, maybe when he starts to annoy me I will show him that diagram that shows how big ten centimetres really is just to see him squirm.
As I talk, I can’t help but smile watching him learn. Big bad Liam Ruinsky sat like a schoolboy on his couch with wide brown eyes, taking notes in his phone, while I ramble on and on about getting an appointment with my ob-gyn, and about how far along it will be before we hear a heartbeat, or find out the gender, about swollen feet and cravings.
I also tell him about how fucking scared I am. Having Jack wasn’t all fun and games. Pregnancy and fibromyalgia don’t exactly mix. In fact, they are oil and water. I tried so hard to hide how much I was suffering last time so other mothers around me wouldn’t think I was going to be a terrible mum. But Liam is going to see it all. To see me not be able to stand unsupported for more than a few minutes, to see me shake because it’s taking that much out of me to do simple tasks like brushing my teeth. He will see me wearing sandals in rainy Seattle because I can’t bend over to tie my shoes, even before my belly starts to get in the way.
“And what about Jack?” he interjects. “If you’re in too much pain, should I be put on his pick-up list for emergencies?” He’s hesitant as he finishes his sentence.
I struggle to hold back the tears again.
This time I cry for twenty-five-year-old me who was pregnant for the first time with no family around her, who just wanted a hug and was instead kicked out of her cheating boyfriend’s apartment. I cry for Jack who has never had anyone other than me put him first or think about his well-being. I cry for our little baby, the one that is going to have their dad to help them no matter what happens between me and Liam.
I fall into his arms to cry as the realisation hits that until today I didn’t have anyone to hold me. But that isn’t the case any more.
Liam will catch me.