Chapter Nine
Liam
Other than getting drafted into the NHL, I’ve never had some grand life plan. From the first time I had skates on my feet I knew I had found my calling. But beyond making that a reality there was not much else I dreamed of.
As a kid my heart beat for getting on the ice. The rush of scoring, the adrenalin of having people wearing my number eight on their jersey and knowing they were putting their faith in me. Nothing has felt better than my first official game as a rookie in New York all those years ago. Until I saw that little black blob on the computer screen this morning.
Coming back to Seattle felt like a step back. I thought by playing for the Spears I was giving up on my dreams of travelling the US and seeing the world. A stupid thought when really I am travelling now just as much as I did in New York and Vancouver, but I guess something about being at home again felt wrong. It felt like perhaps I was reverting back. But I suppose something bigger was at play than just my career. Fate was bringing me back home so I could find a way forward, so I could find something worth moving forward for.
There’s no denying that I’m scared. Scared for Ellis especially. Being pregnant is scary for most people, but for her it’s going to be even harder, and I have to step up. Jack is going to need support when Ellis is in pain, so I’ll need to be there for him too. All this while trying to keep the Spears winning, I’m going to be pulled in one hundred different directions.
With my thoughts running wild, it’s no surprise to me that my body is still buzzing with electricity when I make it to the arena in Vegas. Suited up, I feel constricted in the tailored fabric, but rules are rules. It was not unlike me as a rookie to walk into the locker room with enough ego to fill the seats, but today, something feels different. There is a distraction pulling me away. I’m having a goddamn baby. I’m going to be a dad.
“Afternoon boys, we ready to play some hockey?” I yell as I walk in, hiding my fear and anxiety behind a confident bravado.
Rook sniggers. “Who are you and where is Ruin?” he says as he stands on a bench blasting terrible dance music.
“Hello to you too, Rook,” I reply. With my current mood, and the attitude from Rook, I’m determined to push any negative thoughts to the back of mind. I think about my future baby – what would that kid want me to do?
Suddenly, Rook’s shitty music taste is actually not so horrible. Still sucks, but I could dance. So I do.
Edge takes notice and looks at me as though I lost my mind. He knows me well enough to know there has to be something behind my change in behaviour. But Rook shrugs and joins in.
“Ruin I swear to god, you best not be enjoying this shit with Rook right now, because I don’t think I could handle two of you.” Edge glares at the two of us, but it just makes me dance harder to push the focus onto him. Before I know it, I’m up on the bench next to my favourite rookie in the NHL trying to twerk. If Ellis could see me now she might rethink our co-parenting arrangement.
“What the fuck is happening?” Anders’s voice comes from the doorway. Rook jumps from the bench, leaving me lonely and twerking. A very sad sight. I have gone so far in trying to seem normal that now it feels impossible to rein it back in.
“Don’t know, Cap,” Rook begins. “I think Ruin might have gotten laid, eh? He might finally be over Ellis, no more quiet brooding like Edge.” Rook laughs as I throw my shoe at him. My heart beats fast when they mention Ellis. They are too close to the truth for comfort.
“Well, I haven’t ever seen you like this.” Anders raises a suspicious brow at me, but now I want to guide the conversation away from Ellis.
“ Nothing has happened , I just needed some time to get over her. She meant a lot to me. Let’s change the subject.” I jump down to the floor and walk to Anders and Rook.
Edge joins us over from the bench. “Can you try to make it look like you are getting ready for a game?” he urges.
Before I can find an inconspicuous reply, Anders grabs me by the elbow and pulls me into an unused corner of the room.
“Liam what the hell is going on with you?” he asks, an accusatory tone in his voice.
“Is it so crazy that I might just be happy?” I ask, frustrated I might have pushed myself to seem so calm that I tipped the scales in the wrong direction. I may not be made of rainbows, but I didn’t realise the team saw me as some downer the last few weeks.
Anders narrows his brows. “Dude there is happy then there’s this . You’re completely out of character right before a game. Have you been drinking?” His words shock me. Does he really think I would do that?
“What? Fuck, no, I wouldn’t drink on game day. You know that. You know me. Where is this coming from?” Anger rises in my voice as the rest of the team continues to get ready amongst themselves, oblivious to our conversation.
Anders leans closer, speaking in a hushed pitch. “I love you, you know that. But you have been kind of a mess since everything with Ellis, and then the last few weeks you have been super quiet… now suddenly you’re on top of the world. It doesn’t make sense.”
I can’t deny his logic. Ellis left me with a shitty note and wouldn’t answer my calls; I wasn’t going to ambush her at work, so I lost her again. If he thinks I’ve been bad now, he should have seen me when I first traded to New York, I was a mess. The only time I didn’t drink was before a game.
“Shit, I know I’ve been different but I didn’t think it was that noticeable. I mean we have still been winning. I didn’t think you would care.” My words are bullshit, even to me. Of course he cares. Anders cares too much for his own good, though it is what makes him a good leader for our team.
“Ruin, of course I care. I’m not just the captain, I’m your friend, right? Talk to me.” His eyes have softened and are full of genuine care. He’s right to be suspicious. I wish I could tell him everything. In the two years I have been back here I have spent more time with these men than I have with anyone else; and not just training. Anders and Edge, even Rook, are a big part of my life. I want to lean on them now. But I agreed with Ellis that we would wait.
“She’ll kill me,” I say. My heart is screaming for me to tell him. Just him, no one else has to know.
“Who?” He asks.
“Ellis.” I grimace. I’m going to tell him . My mind is already made up. I just hope she will forgive me.
“You have been speaking to Ellis?” he asks. Say yes. Say yes. Just say yes.
“More than that.” The words leave my mouth before I have time for regret.
“What do you mean, more than that?” Anders’s pitiful expression has turned to one of pure confusion.
I take in a deep breath before revealing the biggest weight on my shoulders: “She’s pregnant.”
I’ve never actually said the words out loud. I told my parents “We’re having a baby.” But Ellis Ainsley is pregnant right now. I saw the blob baby myself.
Anders couldn’t suppress his small gasp. “I’ll be damned. You’re serious?” His jaw is nearly mopping the locker-room floor. His voice is tight and concerned. I can’t blame him for the reaction. Sometimes I think I should be more worried or shocked.
“Nope. She’s having a baby. We are having a baby. My baby.”
“Wait, you’re gonna be a dad?!” I shudder at the sound of Rook’s voice reverberating across the room. It’s already too late – news is out. I should have noticed his music had stopped, but I was so engrossed in telling Anders that I wouldn’t have noticed an earthquake.
“I’m going to kill him,” I seethe.
“Rook, shut your mouth!” Anders warns. Better him than me. If he says anything stupid, I might live up to my threat.
“What? I didn’t know it was a secret, eh!” His voice goes up an octave in defence, and if I didn’t want to kill him I might laugh.
“That’s because you’re an idiot.” Edge joins in the chaos. I don’t know how much he heard, but this is definitely enough for Ellis to kill me. She’s a charming Brit with a butter-wouldn’t-melt smile – I think she would get away with it.
“If this gets back to Ellis – that you all know – she will put my balls in a blender,” I admit after a blanket of silence falls over the room. I silently thank every deity out there that it’s only the four of us in here right now, because if the whole team finds out then it will almost immediately be told to their wives and girlfriends, and the whole of Seattle will know before the plane even leaves Vegas.
Edge’s face spreads with shock-horror at the sound of Ellis’s name, but he quickly shakes it off before continuing, “Forget Ellis for one second, Cassie is going to kill you when she finds out.”
He has a point. Cassie Fitzgerald is the head of Spears PR and she scares the shit out of me. Five foot of pure rage, she gives the coaches a run for their money when it comes to who can keep us in line.
“Well, Cassie doesn’t need to know anything yet, got it? I want to talk to Ellis about everything first, tell her what to expect from the public.” I give them each a pointed look as they all nod their agreement.
“Just between us here. Is this happy news or not so happy news?” Edge asks.
“Good news, right? Isn’t that obvious?” I snap back, going right on the defensive. I understand his question, but I never want to think of this as anything but good.
“Okay, you know I had to ask,” he tells me, placing a hand on my shoulder to calm me. But I know they’ll be wondering more to themselves.
“And before any of you ask, yes, the baby is mine. Ellis wouldn’t lie about that. Everything… lines up,” I assert. They can ask questions about my own morals and choices, but I won’t have them accusing Ellis of anything. They might not know her, but if she is half the woman I remember she would never dream of lying about something like this.
“Then we’re happy for you Ruin. Seriously dude, y’all need anything just ask. We might not have kids, but I’m sure we can read a book. Maybe I can come tell Coach with you, be a buffer?” Anders offers as he pulls me into a bear hug. There are not many men who make me feel small, and even though I’m around the same height as him, Aiden Anders feels like my hockey dad. With my real one off retiring in Florida, I might need to seek some wisdom soon.
“She has a kid, right?” Rook asks. I’m waiting for him to make a remark about Ellis being a single mother, before he shocks me. “You should bring him to the rink back home and we can teach him to skate, you know, so Ellis can have a break.”
My eyes widen at Rook’s startlingly mature suggestion. “Look at you being helpful for a change, I might just take you up on that. Jack is great; he’s five and I can already tell he’s just like his mom.” I tell them, strangely full of pride. Jack was nice to me when he could have thrown a tantrum or demanded I leave. Instead, this little guy took my hand and showed me his trains.
“You’re fully in for a ready-built family? Especially with your ex? That’s a lot.” Anders asks but there isn’t really a question in the way he says it. He knows my answer. I think they all do. As if my little outburst in defence of her wasn’t a clear indication of my feeling on this whole thing.
“They are my family. Well, if I get my way they will be.” Ellis is my sunshine, always has been and always will be, but I know it will take time for her to get used to the idea of me being around. There is no way I am going to push the idea of us in a relationship for a while yet. I need her to know once she says yes to that she is saying yes to forever.
“Damn Liam, you’re going to be a dad ,” Anders repeats again. “A good one, I’m sure. You’re one of the most even-tempered people I know. You need that in spades with kids.” The rest of the guys nod along with him, showing their support for me too.
“She had her first scan today, you wanna see?” I ask, but I don’t care about their answers; I’m already pulling up the pictures.
The three of them stand around like good dutiful friends and look at every picture I show them. But I don’t stop at the scans. I show them pictures of Ellis and of Jack and a few I found of Ellis and me in college. Those ones they love the most – mocking my old haircuts and laughing at how young we both look.
My favourite picture is stashed privately in my wallet. It’s a polaroid Ellis took for me of her newly pregnant stomach. Her plan is to take one every month so she can see how much her body changes and I plan on stealing them so I can bring her with me when I travel.
After a while the rest of the team start to arrive, so I put my phone away. But at least it isn’t just me holding onto the secret any more. I do wonder why they have so much faith in my fathering abilities, though.
Regardless, their faith in me makes me think I must be doing something right.