Chapter Thirty-Three
October
Liam
I would be a liar if I said the last month has been easy. There is a screaming baby who doesn’t seem to understand that night-time is for sleeping and daytime is for playing.
I would also be a liar if I said I don’t love it. Yes, I want to sleep. I can’t remember what having a dream is like, but then I pick Charlotte up and suddenly I don’t care if I never lie down again. It’s been hard, but I know it would have been near impossible if not for my parents. When they left last week I nearly locked them in. Terrified that once they left it would all fall apart. It didn’t. Or it hasn’t – yet.
Right now, she is sleeping. She screamed and screamed until around six a.m. and now at nine a.m. she is snoozing softly in her crib swaddled in a special Spears blanket her god-father bought for her. The leaves have fallen from the trees and I can’t help but feel excited for the winter. Dressing her as a pumpkin on Halloween. Her first Christmas, my first Christmas with Ellis and Jack.
Ellis is trying that “sleep while the baby sleeps” thing, but there is so much else she thinks she has to do. She tried to do the laundry so I sent her to bed and did it instead, when I went to check on her, she was sat in the bed ordering autumn stock for the shop. Having a supportive female presence here was good for Ellis, I think it was the final nail in the coffin of her relationship with Eleanor. Ellis has a bunch of people here where she needs them and she isn’t going to try and force a relationship with someone who I don’t think has ever loved her the way she deserves. Still, she keeps moving, as though she is constantly unsettled by all the changes that have happened.
It’s like she knows she needs to stop but can’t. As though if she falls asleep she will miss something with Charlotte even though we are nowhere near any major milestones. Today, she is going through all her clothes for some unknown reason.
“El, Sunshine, can you please try getting some sleep?” I ask from the doorframe but she just rolls her eyes.
“The season starts soon so I need to figure out what I’m taking home,” she says exasperated. Wait. What did she just say?
My ears just heard her say she needs clothes to take home… as though she isn’t currently home. Does she mean her apartment? Because that’s not going to work for me. I was under the impression that we are doing the family thing; loving each other and raising our kids. Our kids, because Jack is mine, too. I could just be sleep deprived, but if Ellis thinks I am going to let her move out of this house then I haven’t been clear enough with my intentions. I love her, she loves me, I’ve told her I want to marry her, and she is just going to move out?
“Liammmm! Hello, is anyone in there?” Ellis’s hand is waving in front of my face.
“Are you moving out?” My voice doesn’t sound like my own, but it must have been me because Ellis cocks her head to the side with furrowed brows.
“Yeah, of course,” she says casually. Oh, of course , she says. I’m in disbelief. Having my baby and then ditching me to live in a two-bedroom apartment was never obvious to me.
“That’s not going to work for me.” My voice still sounds odd, its low and crackly like I have been on the ice for hours.
“What?” Ellis laughs.
“Ellis, you can’t just move out. We’re a family. Don’t you see this place as home?” I see something click behind her eyes when they widen a little but her face falls back to normal.
“Liam, it’s not that, the season—” She tries, but I know where that is going.
“Fuck the season! I want you here with our kids, Ellis!” I don’t mean to yell but my voice is rising. My heart is beating faster than I think is healthy as I imagine coming home from a game to an empty house while my entire world is somewhere else.
“Don’t yell at me!” Ellis stabs a finger against my chest as her voice matches mine.
The sudden volume must wake up Charlotte because her high-pitched wails flow through the wall. Ellis’s eyes fall closed and we both take deep breaths, still worked up.
“Okay stop, let’s just… let me go get her back down and we will talk? Just go wait downstairs for me,” Ellis says, but before I have a chance to argue she turns her back on me and stalks into the nursery talking lowly to our daughter.
I walk down the stairs in a sort of trance. My steps echo around me and I can’t stand the sound of my stupid feet hitting the stupid floor so I flop down onto the sofa dropping my head in my hands.
I’m not an idiot. I know I didn’t handle that conversation well.
I shouldn’t have yelled, not at Ellis. She is not even who I am mad at, I’m mad that I haven’t shown her how much I want her here. But I don’t know what else I could have done. Still, she didn’t deserve my misplaced temper. She gave birth a month ago for crying out loud! I shouldn’t add to her stress with yelling, I should do whatever the hell she tells me to do.
And she is half right.
I think that’s what hurts more. The season is starting and it means I’m going to be away a lot for the next few months. Even if they live here, I am still going to miss too much.
I could miss Charlotte rolling over and I will miss Ellis’s birthday in January. I already know I am going to miss Jack’s first day of school next week because I will be doing press for the first game of the season.
I want to be around my family as much as I can while I can, the niggling in the back of my brain is reminding me about the idea I had to quit hockey a few months ago. I knew deep down that it wasn’t the right time, I would be going back on my contract which would have led to a ton of legal issues. Now though, my life is in a different place. Hockey is not my first priority any more – it’s not even in the top three.
As soon as I hear Ellis’s footfall on the steps I need her in my arms. So that is what I do. She has barely reached the bottom step before I hug her, my head buried in her neck, inhaling her scent. It’s a good thing that she doesn’t push me away. No, she holds me just as tightly as I hold her. Like if we hold each other hard enough it will rewind time and none of this would have happened. We would be smiling and I would be making her lunch and we would be okay.
“I’m sorry, Sunshine,” I say into her hair and squeeze her tighter. She buries her head as close as she can to me.
Keeping her in my arms I walk us over to the sofa with her tight to my side. We sit together wrapped in each other for a few minutes. I don’t know what to say, I know I am scared to upset her, I can’t let what happened upstairs happen again. I need to stay calm, at least now I know she isn’t planning on staying, so the surprise is gone.
“Do you want to move out?” I ask. At the end of the day, no matter how much I want her here, I won’t force her to stay.
“I guess it never crossed my mind that I wouldn’t go back; I only moved here because I was bed bound and now I’m not. You don’t need to look after me any more.” It’s logical but I don’t care about logic. There is nothing logical about the way I love her.
“I love you, I want you in the house, in my bed. If you don’t want to live in this house we will look for somewhere else, but if you think you won’t be sleeping in my bed every night then you are crazy. If I have to move into that two-bedroom place with you then that’s what we’ll do.” I will do it, the four of us in a two-bedroom will be cramped, but I can think of it as cosy.
Though we will definitely need a bigger bed because I’ve tried lying in her queen before. I don’t even completely fit.
“Liam, Charlotte won’t stop crying, Jack starts school again next week so it’s going to be hectic and you need to be able to sleep. The season is going to be busy! You need rest. Your contract is up, you need to show them you’re ready to sign again.” She thinks this is what I want. I can see it.
She thinks I’m putting up a fight to look like a good guy not kicking her out. I forget that Ellis is so used to men not showing her what love means. To me at least love means I want to see her as often as I can, hear about her day and help her with her troubles, knowing she will help me with mine.
“I can’t rest without you! If you guys aren’t here I’m just going to drive myself crazy with what I’m missing. I’m already going to miss so much when I’m travelling, don’t make me miss even more.” I beg, and I pout, full on puppy-dog eyes. Not very masculine but it gets Ellis to smile at me, which is always a win.
“Liam sweetheart, I love you. I will love you here and I will love you if I move out. I guess I thought you would like having your own space,” she admits. I knew it! My sweet Sunshine always thinking everyone is better off if she is away from them, she couldn’t be more wrong.
“I want zero space. No space.” I know I sound like a toddler asking for his favourite toy but I don’t care, at least I make Ellis laugh.
“Baby hormones and no sleep just make me feel like we are burdening you. I know how important hockey is to you, I just don’t want to be in the way.”
I hold Ellis’s face in both of my hands so she knows I mean what I am about to say.
“El, look, I’ve been thinking, and this is going to be my last season. I’m going to miss so much over the next seven months if not more, and I don’t want to miss any more than I have to. When my contract is up, I’m not signing a new one,” I finally admit.
When Ellis was pregnant I thought about stepping off the ice for good. Now, it’s becoming a reality. Now I can see what my life will be if I am not around for my family.
“Liam.” Ellis sighs deeply but I kiss her before she can tell me I’m making a mistake by hanging up my skates.
“I’ve thought about it a lot, I swear, it’s not some rash decision. I want to be an involved dad, maybe help coach kids who want to get into ice hockey – it’ll give me time to help with science projects and bake sales and whatever else happens with the kids, I want it all.” I kiss her again just because I like kissing her and she drops her forehead to mine.
“Fuck, you are so damn perfect for me Mr Ruinsky,” she says throwing her leg over mine so she is straddling me before burying herself into my chest.
Before I know it my Sunshine is fast asleep in my arms, her soft snores puff against my throat. There is no way I am moving anytime soon; Charlotte is asleep, Jack is having a pre-back-to-school play date and Ellis Ainsley has finally found enough peace to nap.
I only wish I had the forethought to pee because damn, my bladder is screaming louder than Charlotte does.