Chapter Thirty-Six
Ellis
I know it’s coming. I could feel it through the screen. Every sharp turn and missed puck blared out at me. I could see him give up, down to the exact second I could feel the joy of the sport flow out of him and his shoulders slumped. His face was hidden behind a helmet but I could paint a picture of the hopelessness that I’m sure was there. All that said, the moment the front door opens a few days later I know what Liam is going to say.
“I’m retiring.” I can hear the defeat in his voice.
Even though I was expecting it, I still can’t believe what I’m hearing. “The fuck you are!” I yell. He doesn’t answer me straight away. I hear as he slips off his suit jacket and kicks off his shoes before his sock-clad feet pad into the room.
“Why the hell not?” He is still undressing, rolling up his sleeves and unbuttoning the top of his shirt as he looks at me. His face is painted with confusion, frustration clear as day behind his eyes. No matter how long we were apart I can read this man like it’s nothing.
“Liam. That game sucked, but how many bad games have you had over the years?” I urge him to think carefully. Having spent the better part of the weekend expecting this conversation I have a few techniques lined up.
“I don’t want to leave because I played bad, come on El, I’m not that pathetic,” he replies, disgruntled.
“So, you are breaking your contract why?” I quiz with a raised eyebrow. I need him to lay it out, because the Liam I know never backs down from a challenge.
“Because I don’t care!” His words are loud and not at all what I was expecting.
“What?”
“I don’t care that we didn’t win.” He drops down next to me on the couch and his head falls into his hands. I give him time, knowing he needs to find the words.
I rub circles onto his back until he is ready. “I didn’t care when I was on that ice, I couldn’t have given less fucks. I didn’t want to be there. I wanted to be here.”
I frown, worried about his state. “Can you really look those boys in the eye and tell them you don’t care about them?” I ask.
“Of course I care about them. It’s the game I don’t care about. Those guys have been in my life for so long, but now my life has got a lot bigger than just hockey: it’s you, it’s Charlotte, it’s Jack. I need to be here, not in that arena.”
I shake my head aggressively. “Liam… you are already leaving. Cassie is ready to announce your retirement at the end of the season, don’t you want to go out on a high, give the fans something to remember you by?” I know winning the cup has always been his dream – it’s every hockey player’s dream. This could be his final chance and I won’t let him run away from that if I think he will have regrets. I could never forgive myself.
“I don’t want to miss anything here. I feel like I’m letting you all down because I’m not going to be here, and—” He pours his heart out.
“Look—” I try to interrupt.
“No, Ellis, I missed enough during the pregnancy and I hate knowing there will be a million milestones that I’m going to miss because my pride and ego told me I needed one more season.”
I wish I could stop him beating himself up like this, talk him down the way he has done for me many times.
“Okay, yes, you are going to miss things – but so will I. When I go back to work I might miss her first laugh, or her first steps, but you would never let me beat myself up for that, would you? So, I’m not going to let you do it either. Liam, there are going to be so many firsts that we will see and some we will miss. But that’s life. We are still her parents, and nothing can take that away.” I pause for breath, but when he doesn’t speak, I keep rolling.
“Let’s say you leave at the end of the season, you might miss her rolling over or holding her head up, but the big stuff? That’s not coming for a while yet. Walking is a year away and talking properly doesn’t come for even longer – plus every baby is different! Missing a few little things in the first six or seven months will not outweigh all the stuff you will be around for the rest of her life.
“Also, if you leave now there is a chance Cassie will kill you in your sleep and then you will miss it all, you sure you want to be on her bad side?” I nudge him and then hinge my arm back and forth like I’m wielding a knife, mimicking the sounds of a horror movie soundtrack.
“Okay, yes, you have a point.” He laughs pulling my arm from the air and kissing the inside of my wrist.
“That’s because I’m always right,” I say smugly. “If you think you can’t play any more, that you are going to end up getting yourself hurt, then I will stand by you. But don’t leave because you think you’re being a bad dad, because you aren’t. There is no one else in the world I would have wanted to have a baby with,” I say as I lean forward to lay a light kiss against his lips.
“I love you, Sunshine,” he tells me.
“I love you, too. Now try my pie.” I change the subject as I stand and walk to the kitchen pulling him behind me.
“You’re going to initiate sex right now? In the kitchen? I’m down.” He slides his arms around my waist and kisses along my neck, his stubble tickling the sensitive skin behind my ear.
“No, you pervert!” I say with a giggle. “I made a practice pumpkin pie for the team’s Thanksgiving this year.” I’d been thinking for a couple weeks about the holidays coming up – I don’t feel like I ever had the traditional, huge family Thanksgiving. But for the first time in years, Anders isn’t able to go home for the holidays, and I could see the opportunity for a new tradition being born.
Lyndsey stepped up to help Anders plan a family dinner for anyone on the team not going home, but no matter how many times I ask, she still says there is nothing between the two of them . I call bullshit .
“Anders told you not to bring anything except, I quote, ‘your cute selves and those even cuter kids of yours’. You didn’t have to make a pie.” Liam’s attempt at a southern accent is terrible, but it always makes me laugh. While I cut some pie for the two of us he grabs plates and cutlery for us.
“I am not going to his house for the first time empty-handed, that would just be breaking some cosmic law,” I object to him. Maybe that is something Eleanor did give me: proper guest-host etiquette.
“Two slices please,” Liam asks. I’m not a baker, and I will take it to the grave that this is actually the third pie I made today. On the first try I forgot to preheat the oven so it was cooked at the edges and liquid in the middle.
The second looked great, and I thought I had it figured out, until I had a slice and realised I forgot the sugar.
Third time’s the charm though, and this one came out of the oven looking great and filled with all the requisite ingredients.
I watch Liam as he looks suspiciously at the fork full of pie in his hand. He seems to weigh up the worst-case scenarios before deciding to taste it. When he goes for another mouthful I dig into my own. I think I did a good job. Would it win awards? No, but is it tasty enough to give as a gift? Yes, it is.
We eat in silence for a moment, the only sound in the room is forks on plates and quiet cooing from the baby monitor on the countertop between us. I have barely finished my slice by the time Liam has devoured his and cuts another slice, I must have done something right for him to like it this much.
Once we are both done he puts the plates in the dishwasher before taking me in his arms and sways me to music apparently only he can hear.
“Can you believe it’s nearly our anniversary?” he says against my forehead, still swaying left and right.
“Our what now?” I laugh.
“Anniversary?”
“Nope, we don’t have an anniversary because we aren’t married, in fact you never even asked me to be your girlfriend. I’m just a glorified roommate and baby mamma,” I joke.
“You did not just say that.” He pulls away from me, grabbing both my hands in his against his chest, laughing at me with a shocked face.
“You must mean our one-night-stand-iversary ,” I tell him, trying my best to keep a straight face.
“Never say that again.” He tells me before moving both of my hands into one of his using the other to tickle my sides. I beg to be let go but he just tickles me harder rubbing his stubble on my neck until I squeal.
“Fine, I surrender!” I laugh catching my breath when he finally loosens his grips on me, but he doesn’t let me get away. Instead he takes the hand that was buried in my ribs and moves it to my neck, pulling my face closer to his.
“Good girl,” he says before kissing me deeply.
“Who knew Jonas flirting with me would be the best thing to happen to me?” Still in his arms we start to sway again, there is something so right about being in his arms swaying to our heartbeats and the soft snores of our little girl through the monitor.
Liam just hums as he rests his forehead against mine. My head comes up high enough to slip under his chin. That is something I have always loved about being tall while with Liam, he is still taller but just tall enough to hold me in his arms without having to crouch down.
Liam was always the man I was supposed to end up with, it was always right. His strength helps lift me up and my realism keeps him tethered and I meant what I said: there is no one else I would want to have kids with.