Chapter 17
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Jake didn’t consciously decide to move, because there was nothing conscious about what was happening. There was only instinct as he leant forward, closing the distance between them. Ru met him halfway, lips meeting lips, Ru’s soft and warm against his own.
Ru made a small sound in the back of his throat, something between surprise and satisfaction, and Jake’s control slipped another notch. His hand came up to cup Ru’s jaw, feeling the slight rasp of stubble against his palm.
The kiss deepened without thought, Ru’s lips parting under his, inviting him in.
Jake accepted the invitation, tasting warm, sweet gin and raw desire alongside the sweep of tongue against tongue.
Ru’s hands came to rest on his chest, fingers scrunching his shirt.
Everything narrowed to points of contact: mouth against mouth, hand against jaw, fingers against chest. The storm, the power cut, the world beyond the lamplit room ceased to exist.
The need for air pulled them apart, but Jake kept his hand where it was, his thumb brushing the corner of Ru’s mouth. Ru’s eyes were wide, pupils dilated in the dim light, his breathing uneven. He looked dazed, his lips damp and pillowy, and the sight sent a fresh surge of want through Jake’s body.
“I’m supposed to be keeping my distance from men like you,” Ru said, his voice husky.
The words hit Jake like freezing cold water, bringing him back to himself. He started to withdraw his hand, but Ru caught it, held it in place.
“Men like me?”
“Men who make me forget all the promises I made to myself.”
The simple admission, the vulnerability in it, loosened something deep within Jake. Because hadn’t Ru made him forget all the promises he’d made to himself, too?
Ru sighed as he rested his hand on top of Jake’s, his thumb sweeping back and forth, the casual intimacy of the gesture at odds with the sudden seriousness of his expression.
“I made a promise to protect myself better.” Ru hesitated, then seemed to come to a decision. “My ex. It ended badly. It’s a big part of the reason why I found myself heading into a blizzard to a place I’d never been to in a car that’s only good for the scrap heap.”
Ru fell back into the sofa cushions, a small, sad smile quivering on his lips. “The scrap heap,” he said quietly, big grey eyes meeting Jake’s, “for a time it felt like that was where I belonged too, until I told myself no. That I wouldn’t let what’d happened define me.”
What had happened… Something bad, something bruising, something that had made Ru flee from the life he knew if only for a short while.
“It might not define you, but it hurts like a bitch for longer than it should.”
Ru looked up, their gazes catching. He could see the questions in Ru’s eyes, but Jake shook his head. He wasn’t ready to talk about the decision that wrenched him from the life he loved, and the men who were more than family.
“What was so bad it made you leave London?”
Ru didn’t answer. Jake’s chest constricted. He was delving into areas he shouldn’t be. “I’m sorry, I’ve no right to—”
“Cooper was, or is, an actor,” Ru cut in, watching the flames in the wood burner as Jake watched him. “Cooper’s his stage name and everybody called him that, even me. He outright refused to answer to Colin, which is his real name.”
“Don’t blame him. I’d change it, too, if it were mine.”
Ru smiled, and chuckled, shifting his gaze to find Jake, just as Jake hoped he would; but both quickly fell away.
“He wasn’t famous, but trying to be. He did theatre mostly, and some minor television parts.
Anything he could get his hands on, really.
Everybody said we looked great together.
Maybe we did, but it turns out it was only ever skin deep as far as he was concerned.
” Ru leant forward, and stared into the fire.
Jake said nothing, letting Ru take his time, letting him tell his story at his own pace, of the events that had chased him to an isolated farmhouse in the depths of winter. Yet, his hands clenched into fists.
Cooper. Jake already hated him.
“I used to help him learn his lines and drive him to auditions, carving out the time to support him even when I had a deadline looming, or was really tired. If I didn’t, he’d have a tantrum.
Or go all cold on me. That was worse. It became easier to go along with what he wanted.
I always put it down to stress, but turns out it was because he was a selfish bastard, who only thought of himself. ”
Ru collapsed back into the sofa’s cushions, rubbing his eyes.
“You don’t have to tell me. If it’s still raw—”
“I told you, I won’t let what happened define me. I’m determined to put it all behind me, and I tell myself it’s getting better, but some days…” Ru exhaled a deep breath, his cheeks golf balling before his lips lifted in a small, wry smile. “Kind of soured the mood, haven’t I?”
“No, you haven’t. Tell me, but only if you want to.”
Ru hesitated before he nodded, and continued.
“He finally got his break,” Ru said quietly.
“It was a supporting role in an indie film that caught critics’ attention.
Suddenly he was getting bigger auditions, meeting ‘important people’ who could advance his career.
One of those important people was Sophie Scott. Heard of her?”
“Don’t think so.”
“A rising star with big connections in the industry, and absolutely gorgeous. They were cast opposite each other in what was supposed to be Cooper’s big breakthrough film. A Christmas rom-com. They had amazing chemistry, apparently.”
Ru turned to look at Jake, pain and anger fighting for control in his face.
“I lost count of how many times he told me that. So amazing, in fact, Cooper decided our relationship was holding him back.” Ru swallowed hard.
Jake ground his teeth and clenched his fists in impotent rage.
“So he left. Packed up his stuff and walked out. Blindsided doesn’t even begin to describe it.
I tried to get in touch with him, to get him to talk to me, but he blocked my number and my emails bounced back.
I had no idea where he was and our mutual friends, which were really his rather than mine, couldn’t or wouldn’t help.
It was a wall of silence, like they were protecting him. ”
Ru fell silent as he rubbed his eyes. Jake waited, sensing there was more to come.
“The film had its big press launch a few weeks ago. It was on the telly. I don’t know what twisted masochism made me watch it, but I did.
A journalist asked if the chemistry between him and Sophie was just for the camera.
And do you know what he said?” Ru glared, anger in both his eyes and his voice.
“No. That’s what. He was gushing about it being the real thing.
Sophie was the woman he’d spent his life looking for.
Jesus, I almost threw up. It was as if we hadn’t been together for over three years. As if I’d never existed.”
“He denied your relationship?”
“Yes. Utterly and completely. When asked directly about rumours regarding his sexuality, he said he was straight, but didn’t deny he’d experimented when he was younger. In other words, he was just queer enough to give him an edge, but not enough to alienate mainstream audiences.
“The public denial was bad enough, but what was worse was discovering he’d scrubbed his socials of any reference to me.
He erased my existence. Not that I’d really featured that much to begin with, because his social media was curated to be all about him.
And I understood that, because it was about his professional life, just like my own accounts are strictly about my work.
But I’d never felt so stupid, not realising that whilst I’d been planning our future, he’d been planning his exit strategy. ”
Jake watched Ru’s face in the flickering light, seeing the brief flare of anger give way to hurt and betrayal. He’d been there, done that, got not just the T-shirt but the fucking medal, too.
“Somehow, my name came up in another interview he gave,” Ru said quietly. “Cool as you like, he said we’d been flatmates for a while. That really got me. I was upset, but I was so damn angry, too. Unlike him, I didn’t hide who I was.
“It was only then that it hit me about how reserved he’d always been with me in public, how careful he was to not give any clues away about who and what we were to each other.” Ru blew out a long breath, his cheeks golf balling.
“Homophobia’s alive and kicking, and I always believed it was a way of protecting us both, whereas he was only protecting his reputation.
But he must have thought he’d gone too far, and got scared, because he came around to the flat we’d shared—my flat, the one I still live in—late one night, just before the film was due to release in all the big cinema chains.
“He wore a disguise! I couldn’t believe it. But, what I did believe were his threats. He said if I spoke out publicly about our relationship, saying we’d been more than just flatmates, he’d take legal action. He’d claim I was harassing him, trying to capitalise on his new fame.”
The anger in Jake’s chest bloomed into something dark and savage. He’d faced enemies in combat with less rage than he felt towards this man he’d never met, and never would.
“So you just had to accept his lies?” Jake struggled to keep his voice level.
“By then, I didn’t have the strength to fight it.
I just had to tough it out, but it got to the point where I couldn’t take seeing his face plastered across every bloody bus stop and advertising hoarding.
It’s what made me want to escape from London.
A remote cottage in the middle of nowhere suddenly felt like the best place in the world. ”
Jake’s jaw clenched. He knew all about betrayal, but there was something particularly cruel about what had happened to Ru.
“He made me feel so small, almost invisible. So much less than who I’d been before.”