Chapter 44
FORTY-FOUR
“Chiara, no,” I say firmly, grabbing my backpack and heading toward the door to leave the apartment.
She had already bugged me about the same thing yesterday, and it was even more annoying then.
My patience was already thin, thanks to the headache that made it even harder to deal with her.
Somehow, I managed to drag myself to work, even with my head still pounding like a drum.
The guys came over to take us to dinner and Joshua was being his usual adorable self, so I think we really are good again.
Clay, on the other hand, was surprisingly quiet.
He didn't say anything, but that smirk of his spoke volumes.
“Please, Lina,” Chiara pleads again, making puppy dog eyes at me.
“You can make him a present instead. Remember those pretty bracelets you made for Monica and me last year? That’s cute, and he’s so in love with you, he’d gladly wear something you made,” I suggest.
“No, I can’t do that. It’s childish,” she protests.
“I don’t think so. In fact, I’m planning to make some of those bracelets for my new friends too, because I can’t afford to buy them Christmas gifts either.
Remember, it’s the thought that counts. And I just don’t have a hundred dollars for you to buy him that skateboard.
Besides, it’s winter, piccola,” I reason with her.
“But I love him, and he always gives me gifts. I think he’ll get me something big too,” Chiara says with a pout.
“Then be grateful and say thank you. Maybe you can give him a massage or something. Show your affection in ways other than buying stuff,” I suggest as we walk out of the building to the subway station.
“You don’t understand, Lina! You’ve never had a boyfriend before!” Chiara nearly yells.
“I have one now,” I say, stopping to look at her.
“And don’t think I haven’t noticed that new phone he got you. You lectured me about not letting a man buy me things, not letting Leo get me a new phone, but he can buy you one?” she accuses.
“This is different, Chiara,” I say, trying to explain.
“Oh, of course, because it’s you, right? You do whatever you want, and I have to follow your stupid principles that you don’t even follow yourself,” she snaps.
“Chiara, è abbastanza,” I hiss.
“But let’s see how your boyfriend likes your little bracelet in exchange for that fancy phone.
I bet he’ll love it and won’t look for someone else who can buy him things.
Oh, wait, you’ll just give him a massage, won’t you?
Because I bet he’s not even getting sex from you,” she spits out before storming off.
I stand there, completely shocked and with my mouth open.
What just happened?
“Here,” Joshua says, placing a bottle of water in front of me as he sits next to me at our usual table in the cafeteria, bringing me out of my thoughts. The day went by fast, but I couldn’t stop thinking about what Chiara said and what Clay told me.
I believe there is no price tag on that phone. Joshua genuinely wanted to have a way to keep in contact with me, and I understand why it’s important for our relationship that he be able to reach me over the phone when I am working all the time.
But Chiara was right too. I have nothing to give him in return. I feel like such a mess with all my problems, insecurities, inexperience, and overwhelming workload.
I glance over at Joshua, and he smiles. “Thank you,” I say, and he leans in, kissing my cheek.
He’s perfect. The kindest person I’ve ever met—honest, funny, and incredibly attractive. And what have I to offer?
Chiara’s words echo again in my mind. I bet he’s not even getting sex from you. She’s only sixteen, for fuck’s sake, and she knows nothing. But do I?
Joshua is twenty-six, and in any adult relationship, sex is a part of it. I want to sleep with him, but I’m scared. I don’t know what I’m doing, and I don’t feel attractive enough. What if I disappoint him? What if he doesn’t like what he sees when I have my clothes off?
Maybe I should start with something simpler, like giving him a blow job. But I don’t even know how to do that. Can you google how to give good head?
“Where’s your head at?” Joshua smiles at me, playing with my hair.
“Nowhere,” I say, a little too fast.
“You okay?” He grins at me, his eyebrows raised.
“Sure,” I say, putting a strand of my hair behind my ear, the motion letting the sleeve of my hoodie slip, revealing my forearm.
“What’s that?” he asks, reaching out to touch the bandage.
I quickly put my arm on my lap, pulling down the sleeve. “Oh, nothing. I burned myself while cooking.”
“Let me see, did you show a doctor?” Joshua asks, looking concerned.
“No, it’s not bad, really. I just have to keep putting cream on it and keep it covered for a few more days.” I shrug.
“You know, for someone claiming not to be clumsy, you’re hurting yourself a lot.” His mouth twists into a half-smile, but concern is evident in his eyes.
“Joshy, can you help me with this real quick?” Sophia shouts over from the register.
“Be right back,” Joshua says, pecking my lips.
I start to fidget, and Clay looks up from his plate. “What’s wrong, kitten?”
“Can you teach me how to give head?” I blurt out.
He nearly chokes on a broccoli. “What did you just say?”
“I mean, you know both perspectives, and Chiara thinks if I don’t have an expensive Christmas present for him or sex with him, he will leave me, but I didn’t even give him head yet, and I thought maybe that’s a place to start, but I mean if I suck at it, it’s just as bad so I don’t know,” I say, so fast it nearly becomes one word.
A smirk forms on Clay’s lips. “Kitten, did you just say you got sex advice from a sixteen-year-old?”
I look down at my lap. “I have no one else to talk to.”
“Didn’t we finally come to the conclusion that we’re best friends? Best friends talk about stuff like that,” he corrects.
“That’s why I asked,” I mutter.
“I’m thinking really hard about how I could teach you to give head without letting you suck my cock, but I come up blank. Seems like we should try it that way.”
“Clay!” I hiss.
“I just mean it would be the easiest and most enjoyable way for both of us.” He smirks.
“I hate you,” I say, crossing my arms over my chest. “Forget I asked.”
“Carolina—” Clay starts, but then Joshua and Sophia come back to our table.
“What did we miss?” Sophia asks, setting down her tray.
“We were just discussing some best friend bonding activities, right, kitten?” Clay says with a smile.
I glare at him, grabbing my water and taking a sip.
“Sounds fun,” Joshua chimes in. “Tell me when and where. I wanna join.”
I nearly spit all over him while Clay throws his head back, laughing.