Chapter 37
THIRTY-SEVEN
Thankfully, Monday passed quickly without any incidents. I have had enough run-ins with dickheads lately.
Today is payday, so Sophia told me to leave work early to deposit my paycheck, which is perfect because I need to visit Bernie to settle Roberto’s tab.
I had promised to repay him as soon as I could, but with all the year-end expenses, I haven’t been able to yet. But now that I can, I am determined to settle the debt as soon as possible.
It’s still late afternoon, but the bar is already open. I walk in and head over to the counter where Bernie is busy cleaning.
“Hey, Bernie. I am sorry it took me so long to come back here. But I had to pay some bills first. I just received my paycheck, and I don’t want to delay this any longer. How much do I owe you?” I ask him, and he frowns at me. “I’m sorry. I should have made this a priority. I—”
“No, Carolina, that’s not it. I was just… Roberto hasn’t been coming here anymore.”
I stare at him, surprised. “He hasn’t?”
He shakes his head. “No, maybe he came another week or two after you asked if he could have a tab, but since then, he just disappeared.”
What the hell?
“Okay, well, that’s unfortunate. How much do I owe you for the times he did come in?” I ask.
“Forget it, Carolina. Good riddance. I really hope he’s lying in a ditch somewhere.” He shrugs, continuing to clean the counter.
“Are you sure? And no, I don’t think the universe is that kind to us,” I mutter.
He laughs. “I am sure. Karma always finds a way. Sometimes, it just needs to ask for directions first.”
“True,” I agree, turning to leave but stopping at the door. “Thank you, Bernie.”
Since this took much less time and money than I anticipated, I decided to grab some burgers from a real fast-food place and surprise Howie with them.
As I head through the bustling city streets to the subway station, my thoughts can’t seem to stop.
Why would Roberto just stop drinking out of nowhere?
I remember the night he carved my arm, how he was sober then, so much more precise with his anger.
I never really thought about why that was, but the timeline with what Bernie just told me seems to fit.
What is happening?
What am I missing?
I ponder for a while longer, but nothing I come up with makes remotely any sense, so I try to clear my head the last few steps to the shelter.
Howie is sitting on one of the three steps leading up to the door.
“Hey, grumpy,” I greet, noticing the expression on his face, and sit down next to him. “Fix your face, or I won’t give you this,” I tease, holding out the burger to him.
His eyes light up at the sight of the package, and a smile spreads across his face. “Oh, we being fancy today?”
“Yes, yes, we are.” I sigh, smiling as I open the package and take a bite.
“What’s the occasion?” he asks, taking a bite of his burger. “Damn, these are just so much better.”
“I know, right?” I agree, my mouth full. “It’s payday, and since Roberto apparently doesn’t drink at his local bar anymore, I had some money left over.”
“And you decided to spend it on me?” he asks, looking at me skeptically.
“No better way to do it.” I shrug, taking another bite. Once we’re done, I take the packaging and walk over to a trash can before returning to sit next to him. “Now, why the grumpy mood?” I ask.
“I am not grumpy,” he grunts out, his voice carrying a hint of irritation.
“Wow, you totally convinced me there.” I smirk teasingly.
“I just can’t stay inside there anymore, Lina.
It feels suffocating, like a cage. I know I should be grateful for a place to sleep and food, and I feel awful saying this, but I can’t do it anymore.
It’s dragging me down. And I thought the only thing that could drag me deeper than this life was being six feet under. ”
“Howie,” I say, my heart aching for him. “I didn’t know it was that bad. I am sure I could figure out something.”
“I didn’t mean it like that. You don’t have to do anything. Let’s talk about something else.”
“Howie—” I start, but he cuts me off, redirecting the conversation.
“No, I mean it. How are the boyfriends?”
I smile down at my hands. “Good.”
“That’s good, kid. That’s good.” He nods but then suddenly starts to frown.
“Hey, don’t tell me you think it’s a bad thing after all,” I tease, a hint of concern in my voice.
He turns his head toward me, his eyes wide and a questioning look on his face.
His expression contorts with pain, and he clutches his chest. “Lina,” he wheezes, his voice strangled, his eyes bulging wide with fear.
My heart leaps into my throat, a violent surge of panic coursing through my veins. “Howie? Howie, what’s wrong?” I plead desperately. He crumples to the ground, and I collapse to my knees beside him, the raw terror within me intensifying. “Howie!”
He’s gasping for breath, his face turning a dark shade of red.
Desperation fills me as I rack my brain for what to do, my whole body trembling with dread.
I have no idea how to do CPR or if this is a heart attack, but I push his hands away from his chest and start compressions, pushing hard and fast in the center of his chest.
“Help! Someone, help!” I scream. Howie’s eyes have fallen shut, and even more panic grips me.
“Don’t you fucking dare leave me here alone, Howard!
Mary can wait a few more years for you. I need you more!
” Tears cascade uncontrollably down my cheeks, my arms screaming in protest at me, and still, no one seems to have heard me.
“Help! I need help! Please!” My scream breaks into a sob.
Gloria comes rushing out of the shelter, her face pale with concern when she sees us on the ground. “What happened?”
“He’s having a heart attack.” I sob, continuing the compressions. “Call 9-1-1!”
I maintain the relentless rhythm of compressions, my arms aching and trembling under the strain, but I don’t give a fuck. I will do this forever if I have to.
But I am terrified it won’t be enough.
After minutes that seem like hours, the ambulance arrives, and the paramedics rush over to us.
One of them nudges me to the side to take over from me, and I let myself fall on my ass, hugging my knees to my chest and letting my head dip, panting hard.
Exhaustion, panic, and despair hit me all at once.
It feels like there is a hole in my chest, and my heart is ready to stop too.
I can’t do this without him.
The paramedics work quickly and efficiently to stabilize Howie and prepare to transport him to the hospital. Two of them lift him onto the stretcher while my gaze follows them.
The third paramedic crouches beside me, tilting his head to look at me, his expression kind.
“Hey, you okay? You did well. You—” He stops when my eyes meet his.
“Fuck, you’re X’s girl.” I look at him and find it’s the paramedic I nearly ran over with Xander’s truck.
My throat seems closed up, and all I can do is whimper at the pain in my chest. “Come on,” he beckons, standing and pulling me to my feet.
“You should come with me. X would kill me if I just let you sit on the street like that.”
I nod, feeling numb as I climb into the ambulance. As we speed toward the hospital, I can’t help but feel shattered.
Howie is more than just a friend to me.
He’s my family.
And I can’t lose him too.