October 23, 2021
Life looks a little different right now, and I need to reflect a little.
I know that this journal was intended to document my sexual experiences.
But I had something on my mind. I’m sitting at the bar in my kitchen after coming back from a date with Big A.
It’s the third one this week. I’m tired, my hair looks like it was run through a cheese grater, and I’m slick with sweat.
We had dinner on a boat tonight, and all I kept thinking about when we finished was how I was going to suck his dick underneath the moonlight.
That was, until the captain recognized me and said that he was so honored to meet me.
So instead, we just fucked in the backseat of his truck like we were horny twenty-year-olds.
Normally, I’ve never enjoyed the company of men outside of a date night here and there. But since that night that we fucked, he’s been around in a different capacity and not just as my detail.
We’ve been together every day, laughing, talking and getting to know one another. And it didn’t feel forced. He’s a gentle giant.
I didn’t feel like he was imposing on my space, and I wanted him to leave me alone.
Those feelings hadn’t come… yet. Instead, I felt a little comforted.
But I reminded myself that it’s only been ten days.
Not that I wanted to wake up and tell him, “Let’s go back to being professional"; I just expected it. It’s been that way for as long as I can remember.
Right now, he wasn’t pushy. In fact, he was very reassuring.
He told me multiple times that he understood I wasn’t trying to settle down and that he was okay with the space we were in.
That’s all I can ask for. But tonight, he told me that if I wanted more, he was okay with that too.
I think that is where my reflection comes in.
Because I don’t want more.
I think the reason why I haven’t run away yet is that I like his personality.
He’s a gentleman, and when I’m around him, it’s literally princess treatment only.
When we finish having sex, he bathes me, and I stand there like my limbs don’t work, and let him.
Even when he’s off duty, he still opens doors for me and pulls out chairs.
Despite his menacing look, we laugh a lot together.
I know that each man is different, so I don’t like to compare them. But what I do like to be mindful about is how I react to each one and how I feel in their presence, for research purposes, of course.
I keep waiting for the instant when one of them could make me feel something. Maybe a flutter, my heart to skip a beat, anything. Although I welcomed his presence, that “something” hasn’t come with A.
Yet for reasons unknown, he’s still around. This was new territory for me.
I’ll get to the bottom of what it is.
The Heaux