Chapter Twelve
Then
Avery
My eyes bore into the tiny surfboard hands on the clock on the far side of the store.
Four o’clock can’t come soon enough. Nine more minutes until I see Jasper.
My stomach flutters, and my hands sweat with anticipation of touching him.
We don’t make plans to see each other anymore, it’s become something we now both understand.
But today, as I’m riding this high of life, I also carry a weight.
Today is, was, my mother’s birthday.
“Anxious?” Cassie smacks her gum, smirking at me.
“Maybe.”
“I’d be anxious, too, if I got to hook up with a guy like Jasper Collins,” she playfully quips, climbing onto the ladder to change the sale sign.
Her comment reminds me that Jasper and I haven’t had sex. It’s not that I don’t want to, because hell, I want to more than anything. I’m worried about the feelings that come when a girl loses her virginity. Jasper and I are having fun right now, and it’s great.
What if when he finds out that I’ve never had sex, he freaks out? What if he doesn’t want to see me anymore because of the pressure that might put on him? On the other hand, I could give myself to him, and then everything intensifies. Or worse, what if it’s harder for me to leave for college?
Today, being my mother’s birthday, I wonder what it would be like if my mom was still around to give me advice. But with that same fleeting thought comes the reality of who my mother was and how I barely knew her. I can’t remember a single birthday we spent together.
Why aren’t I more upset about losing my parents? Maybe my soul matches the clothes I wear—dark and ominous like the girls in elementary school used to say? I push that thought aside. I’m too old to think like that anymore.
“Yeah, I guess.” I shrug off her comment, not wanting to share more.
“Catch!” Cassie tries to toss me the old signage, but it floats down, making it hard to grab. “So, you’re here until you move to college, right?”
“Yeah, at the end of August.” I clasp the thick paper with two hands. “I’m excited.”
“You don’t think it will be hard for you to return to Arizona after your parents pass?
” she asks, concerned. Sure, it would be difficult for anyone to lose their parents unexpectedly, but I didn’t grow up in a typical household.
I need to seem upset. I can’t tell her that I barely knew my mother and father and that they were little more than strangers to me most of my life.
That would open up many questions I don’t have the energy or time to answer.
“It’s my home and all I know.” I sigh. “Besides, the college I’m attending is a few hours north of Phoenix anyway.”
She nods with a warm smile. “That’s good.”
I glance up at the clock one more time. “Two minutes,” I whisper, then turn back to Cassie. “I’m heading out.”
“Okay, cool,” she says, descending from the ladder. “Do you work tomorrow?”
I grab my purse from underneath the counter. Swinging it over my shoulder, I quickly type out my employee number on the computer and clock out. “I don’t, but I work Sunday, though.”
“Me too. Day shift?”
“Yep, see you then,” I call out, sprinting toward the door.
When I exit the store, the bright sun hits my eyes, and my sandals step onto the bustling boardwalk. I lower my sunglasses, scouring the crowds to find Jasper.
“Arizona!” Jasper waves from a few yards away. He’s wearing board shorts and a shark tooth necklace around his neck without a shirt. His hair is wet as if he just got out of the water.
“Hey!” I shout to him. Bouncing on the balls of my feet and run over. At full speed, I come crashing into his warm, sticky chest. He laughs, catching me as I wrap my legs around his waist.
“I missed you,” Jasper says, burying his face in my hair. Goose bumps span the back of my neck.
“I missed you too.” I giggle, peppering the side of his face with kisses. He tastes salty from either sweat or the ocean. But I know Jasper. He lives on this water, so it’s most likely from that.
He clutches my hips, holding me tight. “How was your day?”
“Good,” I say, hopping down. “Better now.”
Jasper dips to press a soft kiss on my lips.
“Way better now,” I mumble.
He pulls back, smiling. “What do you say we skip lessons today and hang out at the beach?”
“Isn’t that what we do every day?” I tease, scrunching my nose.
He laughs and swings an arm around me. “That’s true, but I was thinking we could grab some takeout and make a little fire.” He urges me closer while we walk along the shore as the sun sets. “Pick up a few blankets and have dinner under our tree.”
I rub my lips together, swallowing the sheer number of butterflies inside me.
“That sounds perfect,” I say. Keeping my head down, watching the sand kick up from underneath my feet, I realize this is what girls in school used to talk about—these types of feelings with guys.
I had to travel to an entirely different state to find it—to experience it.
Guys in high school tried to pursue me before, but I’ve never been interested in them.
Especially not like this.
“Cool. I’ll call Joe to place a taco order. Then we’ll stop at my house for blankets and matches,” he tells me the plans.
I nod and go along with it.
Jasper walks me to my car, and we quickly kiss goodbye, with plans to meet back at the beach in an hour.
I freshen up at home and check in with Helen.
We have a brief conversation about my day, where I tell her I’ll be with Jasper for the evening.
She smiles and tells me to be safe. Having a family member to check in with is not something I’m used to, but it feels good. Is this how other kids grew up?
By the time Jasper and I meet back on the beach under our favorite tree, he has the fire already going and to-go containers with our tacos in the middle. I catch my breath with a gasp. Romantic and utterly perfect.
“Hey, you,” I coo while walking over, clutching the extra blankets close to my chest.
Jasper steps over one of the blankets on the ground and slides both palms along my cheeks. His fingers thread through my hair, pushing the strands away from my face. “You look beautiful.”
My eyes stare into his dark eyes. “Thank you.”
“I got you chicken tacos,” he says, gesturing behind him.
Breathing in his scent, I smile weakly. “Thank you.” I open my mouth to take a bite when I sense Jasper staring.
“Is everything okay?” he asks, concerned.
“Yeah,” I quickly dismiss, brushing off his question.
His eyes narrow. “Are you sure? You seem off.”
How could he pick up on something like that? We’ve been with each other for all of five minutes?
I nod, moisture bubbles in my armpits, nervous from being put on the spot. “Yes, I’m fine. Everything is fine.”
Jasper returns his taco to the paper wrapper next to him then turns to me. “I can feel something is on your mind.” He leans in, rubbing a thumb across my lower lip. “You can talk to me.”
He’s not going to let this go until I tell him. I sigh. “It’s my mother’s birthday today.”
With a sharp rise of his chest. “Oh no. I’m sorry.”
I shake off his comment. I’m done pretending to be sad. “Thanks, but I’m alright.”
“You’ve mentioned that you didn’t have a close relationship with your parents—” he begins, but I interrupt.
“I know what you’re going to say, that you’re sorry for me, and it’s okay to be sad. But that’s not the problem, Jasper.”
He clasps his hands together over bent knees. “What is the problem then?”
I clear my throat, buying time to think of a response that won’t make me look heartless. “The problem is that I don’t feel much of anything.”
“What do you mean?” he asks.
My eyes dart around the beach, searching for the words I don’t have, looking for a way to explain my lack of love toward my parents. I can’t let that portion of my truth ever hit the air. Or can I?
“I didn’t really know my parents.” A slow tear rolls down the side of my cheek. “They spent most of my life traveling all over the world with my dad’s company. They were in love and obsessed with each other. There was no room for a child in their world.”
“I’m so sorry you had to go through that. And I’m sure that every single emotion you’re having or not having is warranted,” he says.
“I feel like a broken person. Who doesn’t mourn the loss of their parents? Who doesn’t miss their dead mother on her birthday?” My voice cracks with desperation. I’ve held much of my true feelings inside for a long time.
Suddenly, Jasper’s two fingers are on my chin. He angles my face toward his with a light pinch and a gentle tug. His pupils are large, with an intense stare that hits every part of me. “You are not broken.”
My stomach spasms, forcing an audible breath to escape. “Then why does it feel like that?”
“Because you’ve never had anyone to remind you of how special you are. About how you are the most perfect but complex person in the world,” he says, then brings his lips to mine. “Your feelings are yours, and you do not need to defend or justify them to anyone.”
“Thank you,” I whisper.
Jasper and I lay on our backs, staring at the night sky. Safely tucked into his arm, I imagine what life would be like if I could do this every day. The waves roll in and out in the background—the sounds, the smells—everything in this moment. A potent sense of belonging washes over me.
“Jasper!” A guy’s voice comes from my left. It’s familiar, but I don’t know who it is until I’m getting hammered by two more. Easton, Bodhi, and Riley run right toward us. All three guys throw themselves onto the ground and into the blanket between Jasper and me.
“What the fuck, you assholes,” Jasper scolds, shoving Riley to the side.
Easton playfully hooks an arm around me. “Well, this looks romantic. Where was our invite?”
“You didn’t get one,” Jasper snaps.
Riley smiles down at me, which tells me that their playful nature is not something new between them.
If I continue to spend time with Jasper, I have to accept that he’s a package deal.
Despite them being a little annoying at times, I like them.
I didn’t grow up with siblings. Being included in their tight friend circle is nice.
“We’re headed over to the cove for a beach party. You guys in?” Easton says.
Jasper opens his mouth to answer, but I interject. Slipping my hand into his, I answer, “Yeah.” Jasper’s head whips around. His brow arched with surprise. “I don’t mind going.”
“Are you sure? We don’t have to let them pressure us,” Jasper reassures me, throwing the guys a side-eye.
“We’re not pressuring her to have a good time, man,” Bodhi rebuttals.
I smile at Jasper, fluttering my eyelashes a few times. “It’ll be fun.”
“Are you sure?” He dips his head low, not believing that I’d want to hang out with them.
“She said yes, dude. Let’s go!” Easton playfully rests a hand on Jasper’s shoulder.
The five of us take the ten-minute walk down the beach.
No one even mentioned driving our cars, which is interesting because that’s the first thought that crossed my mind.
People walk everywhere around here. The weather is wonderful, and unlike Phoenix, where everyone hibernates in the summer, in Coconut Grove, much of the town’s life is spent outdoors.
It doesn’t take long before the music drowns out the sounds of the waves, and a bonfire lights up the clear night sky.
While walking closely and with my hand comfortably inside Jasper’s, he leans in and whispers, “We can stay for as long or short as you’d like.”
The warmth from his breath on my temple causes goose bumps to span the skin of my neck. I tilt my head, meeting his soft lips with mine. He kisses me.
“Thank you, I’ll let you know,” I mutter into his mouth. We both released as our group approached a larger group of people chatting, drinking, and listening to music.
A few people say hello to us as we get closer to the group.
“Are you all drinking?” a blonde guy asks. Dressed identically to the rest of the guys on the beach in board shorts and lacking a shirt, he stands in front of two light blue coolers. A few more were stacked behind him.
“Clark, this is my girlfriend, Avery.” Jasper wraps an arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer. Marking his territory, I guess?
“Hi,” I say. That’s the first time I’ve heard Jasper refer to me as his girlfriend. Is that what I am now? Oh my god. I’m his girlfriend. He’s my boyfriend—this tall, dark-haired, toned, tanned, incredibly hot guy. I curl close, letting myself fall victim to his possessive move.
“Nice to meet you, doll. What would you like?” Clark’s voice is smooth and friendly.
“What do you have?” I ask, a little nervous. I only went to a few parties in high school. Most of the time, the “friends” I thought I had were only the more popular kids wanting to use my parents’ boat on the lake. I fell for it until the second semester of my junior year.
“Clark is going to own a bar in town one day. He can make any drink you can think of and never comes to a shore party unprepared,” Jasper says.
Clark smiles and holds his arm out, presenting the inside contents of the coolers. My palms sweat. I have no idea what type of alcohol any of this is—let alone what is needed to make certain drinks.
Jasper picks up on my confusion, speaking before I have the chance. “We’ll take an old-fashioned.”
Biting my lip, I glance up at him.
He winks. “You’ll like it.”
“Okay, you got it!” Clark says. Giving us his back, he grabs a plastic cup from a reusable grocery bag and plucks an orange from one of the coolers behind him. While Clark works on whatever type of version of this drink he can make with the limited resources he has with him, I turn to Jasper.
“That was embarrassing,” I whisper.
He flashes his pearly white teeth. “No worries, Arizona. I’ve got your back.”
I know that now.