Chapter Fourteen
Then
Avery
“Are you seeing Jasper today?” Helen asks, handing me a green smoothie.
My cheeks burn through a smile, and my aunt arches an eye in my direction. She sees what I’m feeling.
“I am.” I throw my bag over my shoulder while taking a small sip of my smoothie. I glance at my phone, but he hasn’t texted me yet today. “We’re supposed to meet down by the pier. He’s been giving me surfing lessons.”
She dries a cup with a towel and then places it into the top cupboard. “Lucky you. He’s one of the best in town.”
“I know.” My heart flutters, and my lips tingle, thinking about how lucky we are to get along so well.
I turn to start walking toward the door, but a question crosses my mind. I’m curious to know more about the relationship Helen has with Jasper’s dad. Obviously, they have sex, they hang out together, and he spends nights here often. But what do relationships like that mean? They’re dating, but not?
“What’s up with you and Japer’s dad?”
“I figured this question would come up at some point.” She closes the dishwasher and walks to the counter, resting her elbows on the granite. “What do you want to know?”
“Are you guys fuck buddies or what?” I bluntly ask. Not knowing how else to phrase my question, I get hit with slight regret when I hear my own words.
“Well.” She pauses, searching for how to explain this to me. “We are great friends who enjoy spending time together.” She sighs. “And who also sleep together.”
I nod with a small smile, showing her my appreciation for her opening up to me.
“Yeah, I figured that’s the nature of it,” I quip, climbing onto the bar stool, wanting to discuss further.
“But I guess what I’m really asking is if you’re okay with it?
I mean, are you satisfied with the way things are? ”
Helen’s face lights up. “Absolutely.”
“Interesting,” I reply, with another question starting to form.
She continues, anticipating my curiosity for more details.
“Look, I’m independent. I’ve never imagined myself with a husband and a family.
I’ve loved living a simple life by myself.
I have a great circle of friends and can do what I want.
” She grabs her cappuccino from the other side of the counter and continues, “He gives me what I need, and I give him what he needs. It works for both of us, and I can’t imagine a more perfect situation. ”
My young, almost eighteen-year-old mind attempts to make sense of this lifestyle, but one thing is clear—I am intrigued by her power and self-confidence. Helen is living her life the way she wants, and it blows my mind.
“That’s incredible,” I mutter, unable to find a better word to describe it. I’ve never thought much about my future, but I’ve assumed I’d end up living alone.
“It’s important to live your life the way you want. Lean into things that bring you joy and push away from the things that don’t,” she says. “What Duke and I are doing is unconventional, but it works for us, and that’s all that matters.”
I smile. “I’ve never met anyone like you, Aunt Helen.”
“And you never will, dear.” She winks. “How about we talk about you?”
“What about me?” I ask.
Helen flips her salt-soaked hair to one side. “I also have a good understanding of what’s going on with you and Jasper, but I want to hear it from you.”
“Yes.” My face flushes. “What would you like to know?”
She sets her cup down and crosses her arms at her chest nervously. “I’m not sure what your mom has talked to you about or what type of open communication you’ve had with her,” she begins. Oh fuck, I know where this conversation is going.
I put my hand out in front of me. “My mother and I never had those conversations, but I’m not na?ve. I know to be careful.”
“Duke brought it up the other morning, which was a total Duke thing to do, but we haven’t had the chance to speak alone about it yet.” Her face takes on a more serious expression. “You’re on the pill, aren’t you?”
“Yes, I am,” I say, even though Jasper and I haven’t had sex yet. It’s not that I don’t want to. I do more than anything, but I fear what will happen afterward.
“Okay. I’m just making sure. You’re a grown woman, so I don’t want to tell you what to do,” she politely reassures me.
“I know, and I appreciate the respect.” This talk reminds me that I’m at the end of my pill pack. “Speaking of that, I do need to get a refill from the doctor.”
She nods. “Okay, I’ll call Dr. Hasbro. She’s great, and I’m sure she could get you in this week if all you need is a refill.”
“Awesome, Helen,” I say, then again glancing down at my phone, realizing I still haven’t heard from Jasper—which is unlike him. He texts me first thing in the morning every day. A pit forms inside my stomach, and I get a rush of panic. “Thanks for the chat. I’m going to head to the beach.”
“Okay, dear. Will you be around for dinner?”
“I think so. I’ll text you.”
“Have fun!” I hear her call out behind me as I shut the door.
I pull up to the beach, anxious to see Jasper. I called him twice on my drive over here, but he didn’t answer. I try not to get too worried. I’m sure he’s out on the water without his phone.
By the time I get to our usual meeting spot, he’s nowhere to be found. I scan the handful of surfers riding the waves but don’t see my surfer. Worry stings the tips of my ears. Where could he be? Does he not want to see me? Maybe I got the days mixed up, and we’re not supposed to meet today.
The sun shines bright along the horizon. I tent my eyes, continuing to scour the beach for him. Still no Jasper. I slip my phone out one last time to try him.
No answer.
I’m not the type of girlfriend who worries when she doesn’t hear from her boyfriend, but the uneasiness in my stomach sends an alarm that something’s off. I take one more good look along the beach, then head back toward my car with only one place to go—his house.
If he’s not home, I’ll try his dad’s shop.
Confusion plagues me until I arrive at his small bungalow.
I’m sure everything is fine. He’s not breaking up with me, I think while I sprint up the steps to his front door.
Anxiously, I knock a few times on his door, but there’s no answer.
Goddammit. I whisper-yell under my breath.
I step back and glance at his house, unsure of what I’m looking for.
His room is toward the back, and I wonder if he’s sick or needs help.
I jog around the house to the back and see the window in his bedroom is open. I pull one of the chairs from the patio table, place it against the paneling, and climb on top. Peering in through the crack, my heart sinks as soon as I see Jasper lying on his bed.
Is he sleeping? Is he alright?
I push the window all the way open and slide through. “Jasper,” I say, stepping onto the floor. He doesn’t move. What the hell?
Filled with a mixed bag of emotions and questions, I approach Jasper’s bed. He’s curled into the side, facing the wall, and looks like he’s in a deep sleep. I let out a sigh of profound relief. There wasn’t anything wrong. He probably just slept through our lesson.
I kick off my shoes, pull back his comforter, and crawl into his bed. Tucking myself into his back, I inhale his scent, letting it flow through me. He continues to lie still.
“Avery?” Jasper’s voice is distant and weak. I don’t recognize it.
“Are you okay?” I ask, burying my nose into the creases of his shirt.
He rolls over, facing me. His usually vibrant brown eyes are now a shade lighter. He slides an arm between my legs, hooking me and pulling me into him. My face falls into the warmth underneath his chin.
“I’m alright,” he whispers.
I’m still unsettled. A slight anxiousness rests in my mind, wondering if there is more to this story of him being just alright.
I run my hand through his hair, then lightly kiss him on his wet lips. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah,” he says with an unconvincing smile. This is all he’s willing to give me now, so I push my concern aside and cuddle into him.
A dense silence surrounds us. Even the typical sound of the waves in the background is muted. Realizing I had left my water bottle in the car, I decided to get a glass of water from the kitchen.
“I’m going to grab something to drink. Do you want anything?” I ask him.
Without a verbal response, Jasper only shakes his head.
I nod in acknowledgment, then slide off his bed. While walking down the shallow hallway, I hear the door unlock. It must be his dad.“Hey, Avery,” Duke warmly greets me with bags in his hands.
“Hi, Duke,” I respond, going to the kitchen.
He places a few grocery bags on the counter. “How’s Jasper?”
I bite my lip and stiffen. I’m unsure how to answer this question because I hoped Duke would know. “He’s in bed.”
“Okay.” A worried but expectant expression transforms his typical jovial, sun-kissed face. “He’ll be fine in a few days.”
I can tell by Duke’s response, he knows more than he wants to share too. I want to pry, and I fight every urge not to, but I care for Jasper and he’s not acting like himself right now.
“Okay,” I say, then grab my glass of water and head back to Jasper’s bedroom, but my legs stop moving. I need to know what’s going.
With my eyes focused on the tan shag carpet beneath my feet, I turn on my heels. “Duke?”
He glances up from behind the door of the refrigerator. “Yeah, sweetie?”
I suck in a breath of courage. “What’s going on with him?”
He closes the door and then leans against it. Clicking his tongue, he’s thinking about what to tell me—or how. “Has he ever mentioned to you about what he struggles with from time to time?”
My heart squeezes in my chest. “No.”
“I don’t think he’ll be upset with me for telling you,” he begins. “Hell, it might help.”
“Okay,” I say, waiting for him to continue.
“Jasper has depression.”
My brain cycles through all the things I’ve heard or even seen on television about depression.
What I do know is that it can be debilitating for the person it affects.
Sometimes, it is even to the point where episodes can hit when they least expect it.
But I doubt my little knowledge barely even scratches the surface of this condition.
I nod, forcing a weak smile. “Thank you for letting me know.”
“Of course.” He tips his hat in my direction. “I have to run back to the shop for a bit, but I’ll be back later today. Are you staying for dinner?”
“Sure.”
“Good. Maybe Helen will want to join us too.”
“I’m sure she will,” I say.
A million questions flood my mind. How long has he known he has depression? How can I be there for him? Has he tried medications? I’m sure he has. That’s a stupid question. There will be time for more details later. Right now, all I want to do is to be with him.
By the time I get back to Jasper’s room, my heart is full of affection for him but also empathy. I pull back the covers and crawl back into bed with him.
“I spoke with your dad,” I tell him softly.
“You did?” he responds, keeping his eyes closed.
“Yes.” I slip my hands under his shirt and lightly graze the warm skin on his stomach. “He explained what’s going on with you. I want you to know I’m here for whatever you need.”
Jasper exhales, hooking an arm around me. “Thank you.”
He’s here, but his body is stiffer than usual.
It’s like having a conversation with someone over the phone, and you can tell by their empty responses they’re not actually listening.
It’s not that Jasper isn’t listening to my words, but his mind is elsewhere—unable to be fully present.
A strange disconnection inadvertently causes my insecurities to kick up, even though it has nothing to do with me.
Sliding my arms under his shorts and around his back, I lift my tank top, bringing us skin to skin. I’m touching him, but he’s not there. I’m desperate for a connection to him, but there’s an invisible block between us. A palpable energy field surrounding him, meant to keep the world—and me—out.
Closing my eyes, I let my body sink into the cushion of his mattress. I will stay here with him as long as he needs me to. I’m physically unable to part with him.