Memories of You (Amity #3)

Prologue

I don’t think I’ve ever been this nervous to talk to Parker. Everything with him is always so easy, except this. Because I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to tell him. Maybe I don’t have to. I could throw this whole idea away and stay in Amity like we talked about.

But what if I regret it? It would be worse if I stayed and ended up resenting Parker because of my own decision not to go. Who says this has to be the end anyway? On the other hand, I also don’t want to hold him back if he wants to find someone else.

I don’t want anyone else, though. I just want him.

We’re laying in his truck bed in the middle of nowhere like we always do. The sky above us is fading from light to dark blue, and I think about putting this off, but I shouldn’t. I leave in a little under a week for college. I need to tell him.

I’ve tried and failed to bring it up so many times over the summer, but it’s never seemed like a good time.

And then I put it off a little longer. That just happened over and over as I tried to have the best summer with him.

We didn’t talk about the future much, but we have before.

And I’m about to disrupt the plan we had.

“I wanted to talk to you about something,” I finally manage to say, though my throat already feels dry.

I can tell he knows something is wrong. I’m never serious, I know this. Everything with us is usually fun. I wish this could be fun too. “What is it, Lil?”

I internally debate if I can change my mind again or put this off. Maybe I don’t have to say anything. Or maybe I could leave in the dead of night. That would be easier than this. Just let us have a few more perfect days and then leave without a trace.

The thought is tempting, but I know I can’t do that. I sit up to look at him, trying not to show how nervous I am. How much I don’t want to do this, but I have to. I hardly notice the tears starting to form in my eyes until my vision starts to blur, and he pulls me into his arms.

“Baby, talk to me,” he pleads.

I do everything I can to busy my hands; I can do this. I can tell him. Even if it’s about to shatter the vision I know he’s had of us. Either I tell him or I change my entire plan. Without convincing myself to wait another day I blurt it out. “I decided to go away for college,” I murmur.

He hesitates for just a second before replying, “What do you mean? I thought you were going to stay here?”

“I was, I just…” I sigh; I can’t look at him because seeing the sadness in his eyes is breaking me even more. “I want to see more than just this place, Parker. I want to see what else could be out there for me.”

“Out there for you. Not for us.”

I instantly regret my word choice because that’s not necessarily what I meant, but I ask the question I already know the answer to. “If I asked you to come, would you?”

“Well, you didn’t, so it doesn’t matter either way.”

He won’t look at me, and the tears I’ve been trying to control start to fall. Especially when he mumbles, “We should go home.”

I reach for his hand, exhaling, “Parker,” but he pulls it away and I close my eyes to stop a complete downpour.

“Don’t. You made your decision.”

I almost tell him that I knew he wouldn’t come with even if I asked him. It’s not that I don’t want him to come with me, but Amity is his home. It always will be. It’s my home too, but I want to see more of the world before I settle in it.

I don’t get to say any of that because he’s getting out of the truck bed and just stands there. I know he’s waiting for me to get out too. So I do.

“Parker,” I squeak out weakly, but he doesn’t acknowledge me, just shuts the truck’s tailgate and walks around to the front seat.

I wipe the tears away as I join him. Neither of us say anything on the drive. I fight with myself the entire time if I should say I don’t mean it and I’m actually going to stay. The exact fight I’ve been having all summer, and it turns out the same. It’s what has led me to this very moment anyway.

When he parks the truck outside my house, I break the silence between us. “Are you going to walk me in?” Like you always do.

He shakes his head and still won’t look at me. “I’ll talk to you later.”

I get out of the truck, and my sadness is starting to be replaced by annoyance. Before I close the door, I say one more thing, “I would think you’d want more for me too.”

As I walk up to the front door, I think about how ridiculous that was. Obviously, he does, he’s upset and so am I. I should run back out there, but I hear him drive away. And that’s when I fully break down in sobs.

I tossed and turned all night, wanting to pretend like yesterday wasn’t real.

But it’s a new day and I’m hoping that maybe we can still enjoy it, along with the couple more we have left before I have to leave.

I text him something that would usually have him laughing after peaking outside to see my neighbor talking to the poor mailman who always gets caught in her trap but is too nice to say anything.

Lily: Mrs. Smith is out flirting with the mailman again.

He leaves me on read and I deflate.

My mom knocks on my bedroom door, poking her head in with a soft smile. “Hi sweetie, how’s packing going?”

I look around my room where not a single thing is packed before answering sarcastically, “Great, I’m basically all done.”

“Did you tell Parker?”

I feel the tears starting to well again, and I will them not to fall. I really don’t want to spend the rest of my life crying. I’m unable to say anything, instead just give her a nod.

She steps inside, and I can see the concern on her face. “I assume it didn’t go well.”

This time I shake my head and I’m unable to stop the tears from falling. She sits on my bed, wrapping her arms around me, doing her best to soothe me.

“Am I making a mistake?” I ask through a sob.

“No, honey. I love Parker, you know I do. I think if something is meant to be it will be.”

I can only hope that we really are meant to be and that this isn’t about to ruin everything.

Every day that passes leading up to me leaving has me feeling more and more uneasy because Parker still hasn’t talked to me. I text him every day like normal, but they all remain on read.

The day I’m leaving arrives, and as my parents and younger brother, Ethan, are helping me load up my car I see Parker pull up. As soon as I hear his truck, I turn to face his direction with my hands on my hips.

He steps out of the cab and I snap, “Now, you want to see me?”

He walks closer to me, but I continue to glare at him for ignoring me. “I didn’t know what to say.”

“And now you do? As I’m about to leave?” I ask in disbelief.

“I just…” He pauses, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

The guilt hits me at once. All my internal battles he doesn’t know anything about. All the times I almost told him but decided one more day wouldn’t hurt. I say the only thing that could be even the smallest excuse. “I wanted us to enjoy the summer without worrying about it.”

He scoffs. “So you decided to tell me at the last possible second instead?”

This is one of those times I wish I could really think before speaking, but the words fly out without a thought, sounding harsher than I intend. “If I waited until the last possible second, I would’ve waited until this moment, actually.”

“You always have a response, don’t you?” He rolls his eyes, shaking his head.

“Yeah, I do, and you always avoid shit, don’t you?” I give him a pointed look, but I know I hit a nerve.

He rears back. “Seriously? Is that what you think I do?”

I shrug because it’s what he’s doing right now. I may be a bit dramatic to say he always avoids shit. But this is the first big confrontation we’ve had since being a couple and his coping skill was ignoring me for the last several days.

He continues, “That’s really what you think of me? I came here to fight for you. To tell you I want us to try long distance.”

I’m shocked at that confession, but I wish he said something sooner. If he had, maybe my response would be different. But right now I’m annoyed with how he ignored me. If that was how he handled this then how would he handle something long distance? It’s not realistic.

And I know what is realistic is that he wants to stay here. This is where he wants to build his life. It’s where I thought I did too, but I’m worried that will change and I can’t hold him back either.

“You really want to do long distance? Parker, be for real right now.”

He looks like I injured him, and I probably did. But I hurt myself in the process because I feel my heart physically breaking as I stand here.

“You don’t? What is this? An excuse to break up with me? I love you, Lil. I want us to be together.”

I can’t help myself; I reach out for him, resting my head against his chest as I wrap my arms around him tightly. He instantly hugs me back and I hate knowing this is how it ends for us. At least for now

I repeat the words my mom said to me. The words getting me through all of this. “If we’re meant to be, then we will,” I tell him softly.

“You’re really leaving.” His voice is watery.

I pull back to look at him and try to lighten the mood as I always do because I don’t want to see him cry, even as I’m about to do the same. Using humor as I always do I tease, “Try not to miss me too much.”

He smirks. “You’ll be calling me in no time.”

“You’re full of yourself.”

And for just a moment everything feels normal. Until that small moment fades and my parents and Ethan join us outside. I drop my arms from Parker, worried that’ll be the last time I’ll be able to touch him. The last time I’ll feel his hug and the comfort he brings me.

Even as I’m leaving, I watch him in the rearview mirror, my chest sinking until I lose sight of him. I swear there’s an emptiness where my heart was because I just left it in Amity. I hold onto the thought that my mom is right and if we’re meant to be we will.

I just hope that when I come back there may still be a chance for us.