Chapter Thirty-Three #2
“It’s the only time I see you.” She giggled as he pressed his thumbs into her ribs.
He leaned over her, unconvinced.
Cassandra went in for the kill.
“I bought a dress,” she whispered. “It’s red.”
His eyes darkened. “Is it?”
“Mmhm.” She ran her fingertip over the curve of his ear. “Low bosom, tight at the waist, silk. Don’t you want to see it?”
“I’ll want to see it on the floor,” he growled.
“After the ball.”
“You say you don’t want to be in the papers, Mrs. Reeves, but your actions say otherwise. A red dress.” He groaned. “Fine. I surrender, you scandalous temptress.” He lifted her nightgown over her head and settled between her legs. “But I’m going to need some concessions.”
***
Waking that night to the sound of screaming, Cassandra jolted up, her heart thumping in her chest. Reaching through the darkness, she found her husband tossing fitfully in the bed and rubbed his chest with a feather-light touch.
“Seth, wake up,” she whispered.
Gasping awake, Seth jerked upward. Cold sweat covered his brow, his chest, and the bedclothes beneath them. Choking, he shook with each gulping inhale.
“Breathe, my love.” Cassandra held her hand over his hammering pulse. “You’re here now. You’re with me. Do you feel my hand?”
“Yes.” He took a shuddering breath. “Yes. I feel you, little bird.”
The bed creaked as Seth moved to sit against the headboard. He opened his arms and knees, and she settled into the cradle of his body, resting her head against his chest.
“You were in the fire.” He anchored himself by running his fingers through her hair. “It wasn’t Ensign Thomas, it was you.”
“I’m here. I wasn’t in the fire.”
“I know that.” He closed his eyes. “But it felt so real.”
“Would you like me to light the room?”
He shook his head. “No. Don’t go anywhere. Stay in my arms.”
Cassandra held him until he stopped shaking. The clock on the mantel ticked, the house creaked, and Seth’s heart thumped against her ear.
“Seth… about the fire…”
He stiffened.
“Tell me what happened.”
He remained silent for so long that Cassandra thought he wouldn’t speak. But then he took a deep, controlled breath and spoke as if he were debriefing her on a mission.
“We were coming off of a campaign. Bishop had marched us for four straight days to reach Messina. He said he had some business to conduct.” Seth’s jaw firmed.
“We had been there before. We weren’t in danger there.
My men were exhausted, so I took over the watch.
” His voice wavered. “I thought that I didn’t need to sleep, not as much as my men did.
I was Captain Reeves. Hand-chosen by Earl Bolderwood.
I was the youngest soldier to reach the rank of Captain in a century.
It made me arrogant. I didn’t know that I was tired until I woke up in hell.
” He took a sharp breath and trembled. “I can feel the heat as if I’m there. ”
Tears formed in her eyes at the helplessness in his voice, but she kept strong and waited for him to continue.
“In times like that, you don’t think, you do what you have to.
I hadn’t kept count of how many men I rescued, I kept going room to room until I couldn’t find anyone else.
When I realized that Ensign Thomas was still missing, I went to find him, but then the roof—” His voice cracked.
“He was trapped under a beam, already dying and he was scared, Cassandra. With his last breath he begged me to save him, and I couldn’t.
I had inhaled too much smoke, I was burned and weak. ”
“Seth, you were in an impossible situation, you did everything you could.”
“No, I didn’t. I could have stayed awake,” he bit out. “And it wouldn’t have happened. I could have woken my men, helped everyone get out, and fought the fire with time to spare.”
“How did the fire start?”
“The night watchman saw a man departing from Bishop’s bedroom window half an hour before the house went up in flames.
Must’ve tipped over a candle as he snuck out.
He denies it, of course, but as soon as I saw the rubble I knew.
I was a sapper, Cassandra. I trained in explosives, I know fire.
I know how to create it, how to extinguish it, how to protect against it.
The roof caved over Bishop’s room first. The fire originated there, but he was the last man on the scene. ”
“That’s why he was able to save you,” she mused.
“He loves to tell that story. Colonel Bishop, the savior of the savior. Never mentions that he got there after leaving a brothel.” He scoffed. “He didn’t go into the house looking for me. He pulled me out because he thought I was his cousin, and by the time he realized his mistake it was too late.”
“It was Colonel Bishop’s fault.” A spark of rage lit Cassandra’s heart. “He was negligent.”
“His negligence may have caused the fire, but his cousin’s death is my fault.”
“He had command.”
“But I had the watch! And I let a man die! It was my job to keep him safe, and I failed.” Seth buried his head in her shoulder.
Cassandra said nothing. Honeyed words and sweet platitudes couldn’t ease his conscience. This was a burden he would carry for the rest of his life. When it got too heavy to bear, she would hold space for both the man who laid in her bed, and the man whose words sat on her bedside table.
“With the blood on my hands, I don’t deserve to hold you, Cassandra.
And you still aren’t safe. Every time I leave the house, whenever you’re out of my sight, I’m terrified that something will happen to you.
That you’ll be hurt, or die. I close my eyes and I see that shot hitting you instead. God, I can’t live with this fear.”
“I worry too, Seth, but the pain of loss is the cost of love. I could fall and hit my head tomorrow, or I could get sick, or you could.” She held his face in her hands.
“When I thought you were going to die, my biggest regret was that I hadn’t loved you as I should have.
” She kissed him, soft and slow. “I refuse to live my life in fear any longer. I want to spend my life loving you, knowing that every day, every kiss, every breath could be our last. When the day comes where you’re not around, my memories of you will be filled with enough love to last me until I see you again. ”
She moved to sit in his lap. Placing her hands on his shoulders, she met his eyes in the darkness.
“When you came back into my life, I was so deep in grief that the sun dimmed. It didn’t seem as though the clouds would ever clear.
And then, one evening, over the turn of a page and a smile, the luminescence blinded me.
That’s what you do for me, Seth. You bring light into my world.
” She felt his smile under her fingertips and gave him one of her own.
“It might take some time, but we’ll find your light again. For now, my love, we can share mine.”