Chapter 18Luke
CHAPTER 18
LUKE
“You gonna eat that?” I ask Hailey, pointing at the last enchilada in the casserole dish.
We’re sitting on my couch, her on one end, me sprawled in the middle with her legs in my lap. After the impromptu session in the kitchen—which will go down in history as my favorite sex moment ever—I finally got the food in the oven and the guacamole finished. We devoured it in record time, both of us starving after a long, weird, satisfying day.
I think it’s still technically the same day as when we got to my house, but I can’t be positive without checking my phone. Everything has blended together since we got here. Screwing, dozing, screwing some more, more sleep, thoughts of food, more sex, and finally food.
Now I’m mostly sated and mostly full, but I still want that last enchilada.
She sits back against the arm rest, puts her hands on her belly, and shakes her head. “You crazy? I had two and a half. I’m stuffed.”
Shrugging, I snag it from the dish and sit back, devouring the thing in a few bites so I can slide my plate on the coffee table.
The meal was well earned, if you ask me. Not counting Hailey’s pussy, there was no breakfast, lunch, or dinner until now. And considering it’s dark outside, that’s a long ass time to go without food while exerting as much energy as I did today. Between the adrenaline and the sex, I’m going to crash into a food coma sooner than later.
Dang. A coma. I can’t begin to imagine what she must have gone through. It makes me sick to think I wasn’t there to help her. That, on top of everything else she was going through, she thought I’d deserted her. It’s no wonder she hated me so much when I waltzed back into her life.
I’m pissed about it all. I don’t understand how her mom could keep us both in the dark about each other. I guess she didn’t owe it to me to say anything when Hailey was in the accident, but to lie to Hailey once she was awake and asking for me was wrong. It makes me irate when I think that Hailey spent any moment of any day wishing the car accident had killed her instead. If Debra knew that, and still kept the truth from her, well, that’s unforgivable in my eyes.
Things could have been so different if Debra hadn’t done that. Would Hailey and I still be together? I’d like to think so, but I can’t say for sure. I do know that I would have been here for her. I would have dropped out of college, said goodbye to football, and moved to California ten years ago if I’d known. It’s not like I became a cop anyway so it would have saved me tuition.
Wrong way of thinking about it, but I’m angry. Our choice was taken away, and neither of us had any idea. I spent months torn up over her. I know she spent months heartbroken. I have to wonder if she’s been angry this entire time. From the bit of info Quinn has slipped me, Hailey hasn’t had a serious boyfriend for as long as they’ve known each other. Does that have something to do with what happened between us? The way it ended?
That first year of college I’m lucky I passed any classes. If I wasn’t training as hard as I could for football, I was out partying with my teammates, and not just a beer here and there; I was the life of the party my freshman year. Sure, I took some heat at the beginning of the year because I was one of the new kids, but by the end of the year the ladies loved me, and the guys wanted to be me.
It didn’t feel that different from high school, except everything was on a larger scale.
My dad sat me down one night when I was home for the summer between freshman and sophomore year. It was one of the rare nights I wasn’t out with my buddies, partying and getting into trouble. By then he knew what my grades were and how at risk I was of losing the football scholarship I’d worked so hard for. He also knew everything that had happened with Hailey and could see the slippery slope I was on. I credit finishing school and keeping my head above water to the chat we had that night.
My father, who has loved my mother since the day they met with all his heart and soul, who always believed in the sanctity of marriage, the word of God, and not having children until you’re wed, looked me in the eye and said, “If you find no other love in your life, that’s a cryin’ shame, but so be it. I’ll accept your choices of finding a new woman every night. I’ll even accept any grandkids that come my way because of it. But don’t you dare let that young lady mess up the rest of your life, boy. You find a different way to channel everything you’re going through.”
After the drama that went down in Waco, and all he had to endure because of me and my ways, I bet he’s eating those words.
I took his advice to heart, though.
Adrenaline was already a love of mine. Always had been. After that talk with my dad, I decided to channel all my pent-up energy into finding it, however possible. I started surfing more regularly with my roommate at college. Got into rock climbing, which turned into bouldering. Did my first skydive that year, which turned into an obsession. Basically, if I thought it would get my heart pumping, I was in.
It never filled the void, but it quieted the noise that the void seemed to make. The echoing sounds of Hailey’s laugh, the ‘tsk’ she’d make when I’d get under her skin, the way my name rolled off her tongue when I was pleasuring her. I did anything I could to silence all of it. Including screwing my way through half of Houston during college and all of Waco afterward.
I still heard her. All the time. Always in my head. Always questioning my choices, the reason I was doing things. Even ten years later, her voice is still the annoying little conscience in my head, pushing me to be a better version of myself. I didn’t always listen to it, especially when it came to my bedpost, but she was always there for the big stuff.
“Luke?”
I glance at Hailey without really seeing her, then do a double take. She’s staring at her legs in my lap. Following her gaze, I realize I’m holding onto her calf. Not just holding but squeezing. Immediately I release her, looking sheepish when our eyes meet again.
“Sorry.” I smooth my hand over the part I was holding onto, then give it a little pat as I sink deeper into the couch.
Grabbing the napkin lying beside me, mostly out of embarrassment, but also so Hailey doesn’t think I’m an uncivilized beast, I wipe my hands. Something I should have done the second my plate was on the table. Maybe then I wouldn’t have used her calf as some kind of stress ball.
“Are you going to expand on where you were? Cause it sure didn’t look like you were here with me,” she says, nudging my stomach with her knee.
I grunt because I’m full, my head falling back against the couch before turning to look at her. “Just settling after eating.”
Her eyes narrow. “I’ve seen you after a meal at the firehouse. That wasn’t you settling.”
“At the firehouse, I haven’t gone round after round of mind blowing sex.”
That earns me a smile. “Mind blowing, huh?”
“Woman, you squirted all over my kitchen. If that wasn’t mind blowing, I’ll be sure not to do it again.”
“I didn’t say that,” she exclaims, sitting up a little straighter. It tells me she enjoyed every moment of it. Shoving my shoulder playfully, she grumbles as she relaxes back against the couch. “Better do it again.”
I give her a shit eating grin. “I’ve been dreaming of all the ways, don’t worry.”
Squeezing her calf, gently this time, I roll my head forward, and stare at the black TV screen on the wall in front of me. We sit in silence for a few minutes, each of us with our own thoughts, neither uncomfortable with the lack of spoken words, just enjoying the moment of being together.
I’m about to suggest going back upstairs to get some sleep when she sits up again, causing me to look over. The seriousness in her green eyes tells me sleep isn’t going to happen anytime soon.
“How did you get here?” she asks. I open my mouth to answer but before any words come out, she adds, “Do not tell me you drove here. You know that’s not what I’m asking. Why did you move to Bear Creek?”
I release a sigh that’s heavier than intended. That’s a loaded question. While she deserves something from me, I meant what I said earlier about not wanting to talk about Waco and the reason my whole family, and a lot of my friends, turned against me. But she deserves the truth, even if it’s only half of it.I just got her back into my bed—I don’t want to be chasing her out of it. I’m just hoping that the part I’m willing to share doesn’t chase her away either.
“Isn’t that kind of obvious?”
Hailey shakes her head, gazing at me earnestly. “Not to me it isn’t.”
Sitting up, I turn towards her, lifting a leg to rest it on the inside section of the couch. Moving her legs so she’s got one on either side of my hips, I slide my hands up the length of her shins, over her knees. “So, you’re saying if I told you that you were the reason I moved to Bear Creek, you’d be surprised?”
I watch her shiver, her throat moving as she swallows thickly. “It’s been ten years, Luke.”
“And if you felt nothing for me after all these years, you wouldn’t have reacted the way you did when I first got to town. Why do you think that’s any different for me? Especially knowing what you know now.” I look at her questioningly, daring her to deny what I’m saying. “The only difference between us is that you were pissed I didn’t call. I got over my anger that you wouldn’t pick the phone up.”
When she opens her mouth to argue, I hold my hand up to stop her. “Hailey, it is what it is. You can’t deny that you were angry with me, and now I understand why. I was angry too. Confused and hurt. But I started to focus all that energy on other things, and one day I decided I wasn’t going to be angry with you anymore.”
“Just like that?” she asks me skeptically.
The last enchilada threatens to make a reappearance because of the doubt she’s showing. Of course she doesn’t believe me. No one ever does.
Shaking my head, I pat her thighs. “Forget it.”
“Whoa, hey,” she frowns, grabbing my hands. “Not forget it. I just… it’s hard for me to wrap my head around it because I’ve spent so long being mad at you.”
For a long moment, I study her, trying to decide whether she’ll believe what I have to say. It’s probably as hard for me to trust in that as it is for her to believe me. Which is ultimately why I finally nod.
“Just like that. I wasn’t over you by any means, but I stopped holding everything against you. You had your entire life planned out before I walked into it. That determination and self-sacrifice were part of the reason I fell in love with you to begin with. I thought maybe you’d just found your levelheadedness again and decided I was a distraction.”
“You were a distraction!” she exclaims with a laugh, and I can’t help but grin at her. When her laughter dies down, she smiles at me softly, adding, “But it was a distraction I wanted. It wasn’t something I wanted to let go of. You weren’t something I wanted to let go of.”
“You never did,” I say confidently. “That necklace around your neck tells me you didn’t.”
A hand goes to her throat, dipping beneath the collar of my shirt to pull the pendant out. She fingers it delicately. “I tried once. Months after my accident I ripped it off and threw it away.” Dropping the necklace, I sense a change in her that I can’t put my finger on until she says with bitterness, “My mom found it and got it fixed for me. I wonder if she felt guilty by that point. Or ever.”
My chest aches for her. I know how close she is with her mom. Knowing how angry I am, I can only imagine the devastation she’s feeling right now. “You’ll find out when you’re ready to ask her those questions.”
“You’re damn right I will,” she says, venom dripping from her voice. “She doesn’t get to do this to us and not answer for it. I want an explanation.”
When I shift to move over her, wanting to distract her from her anger, she points a finger at me, shaking her head. “No way, buster. You know all these little things about me because of the firehouse and I’m sure Quinn. I hardly know anything about you these days.”
“Whose fault is that?” I poke at her, advancing even though she hasn’t moved her finger. My hands are on the arm of the couch on either side of her. “You’re the one that didn’t want me to even think of you.” Pressing her finger into my chest, Hailey refuses to take the bait. Instead, she pushes hard enough that it feels annoying with the burn it’s creating in my pec. Grumbling, I sit back on my ass, rubbing my hand over the spot her finger was. “Fine.”
“How did you end up here?” she asks again, satisfied once I’m a safe distance away. “Why aren’t you a cop? Why didn’t you go pro with football? I know they looked at you. They liked you.” When I raise my eyebrows at her in surprise, she rolls her eyes at me. “I told myself I hated you. That I didn’t love you. It didn’t stop me from following your college football career.”
Well hot dang. If that doesn’t move something inside me, I don’t know what would. Warmth blooms deep within, and I feel a surge of pride that makes me want to stick my chest out and beat on it.
“I never wanted to go pro. My dad was furious I didn’t pursue it, but it wasn’t my dream,” I tell her, shrugging. That was a major blow for my dad. “Even at the college level it takes a lot to stay in playing shape. Going pro is a whole different beast. Besides, you know I had my sights set on becoming a cop.”
“Which didn’t happen,” she points out. “How did you become a firefighter?”
“Everyone loves a firefighter,” I tell her, holding my hands up while I grin broadly so my dimples pop at her.
I’m rewarded with an eyeroll. “C’mon, seriously. What happened?”
They say you don’t forget your first fire, and in my experience, that’s both true and untrue. “My junior year of college, I’m out for a run one morning. It’s early on a Sunday. The streets are dead, everyone is still sleeping.” It was one of the few Sunday mornings I wasn’t hungover in college, but I don’t mention that.
“I see this plume of smoke up ahead. It’s small, and I don’t think much of it at first, but as I get closer, it gets bigger. I realize this house is on fire. I didn’t have my phone on me so I couldn’t call for help, so I did what I thought was the next best thing. I started banging on the doors, trying to wake anyone inside. There was a car in the driveway, which I figured meant someone must be in there.”
Hailey is watching me with rapt interest, hanging on to every word as I continue, “All of a sudden, I hear screams coming from inside. This woman is yelling for help. So I do what anyone in my position would do, I break a window and go in.”
“Of course you do,” she says, shaking her head. “Because that’s what every person on this planet would do.”
Grinning, I ignore the comment and keep going with my story, “I don’t remember a lot of details because it all happened in a blur. But once I was inside, I went up to the second floor and found a mother and daughter. She’d barricaded the two of them in the bathroom, scared out of her mind, thinking they couldn’t get out.”
“But then you came along and safely got them out, becoming the hero?” Hailey guesses, raising an eyebrow. “And once you got a taste of what it was like, there was no going back?”
“Pretty much. Like I said, everyone loves a firefighter.” I shrug, smirking, knowing my dimples are popping out for her. “Plus I’d never felt adrenaline like that before. It was like a drug.”
“Cops get shot at. That isn’t adrenaline?” she questions.
“It would be,” I nod slowly. “Would you rather me be a cop?”
“Hell no!” she exclaims. “I hated the idea back then; I hate the idea now. Not that running into burning buildings is safe. There are a million things that can go wrong, and I’ll probably always stress while you’re inside, but at least I understand it better. Especially being a paramedic.”
Not that I want her to worry about me, but I kind of like that she will.
“Speaking of,” I say, turning the tables on her. “Did the accident prevent you from being a doctor?”
Hailey reaches up to her hair, running her fingers through it. They get stuck in the tangles that we created upstairs, and I can’t help but smile as she tries to pull through the knots, eventually giving up.
“It didn’t prevent it, but it changed what I wanted in life. My doctor told me if the paramedics hadn’t been as good as they were, I would have died before they got me to the hospital.” The smile she wears is bittersweet. I can’t help but shudder at the idea of her dying. “It made me want to be that person for someone else.”
“Are you glad you did it?” I ask, curious if she has any regrets.
Her smile spreads across her face, lighting up her eyes, giving me an answer before her words. “I wouldn’t change it for the world.”
The way she looks right now, lit up with life, hair wild and messy, with nothing on but my t-shirt, makes my dick hard. I reach a hand out to her and when she takes it, I pull her towards me. We both shift around until I’m facing forward again and she’s straddling my lap. I know she can feel my cock when I hear a small gasp.
“You done asking questions?” I ask, my hands resting on her thighs.
Shaking her head, she twists slightly to reach behind her to the coffee table. Two condoms are laying there unopened. “I’ll never be done asking questions,” she tells me, turning back with a foil in her hand. “But I’ll take a break to ride you.”
Groaning, I shift my hips, pushing them up towards her as my hands move further up her thighs. She takes the opportunity to pull my pants down enough that my dick springs free from the material.
“You’re not too sore?” As an afterthought I add, “From the accident. If your pussy is sore then I’m doing my job right.”
“Not too sore,” she says, leaning into me. Her lips brush across mine as I bring a hand between her thighs, causing her hips to roll and a moan to erupt from her. “Not too sore there either, so I guess you better get to work.”
I growl, catching her bottom lip between my teeth. The challenge she just presented me with makes my dick even harder. “I’m not going to let you come for that.”
“Mmm,” she murmurs, “Bring it on, baby.”
“Can I ask you a question?” I murmur quietly a while later.
We’re still sprawled out on the couch, her wedged between me and the back of it, half on top of me, half not. I’m laid out on my back, an arm wrapped around her, aimlessly running my fingertips along her shoulder blade since the t-shirt she was wearing is somewhere across the room.
With a nuzzle into my chest, I can feel her grin. “You just did.” When I poke her lightly in the ribs, she giggles, which is a sound I’m pretty sure I could listen to on repeat. “Of course you can.”
I’m sure I’m a masochist for asking, but I’ve been curious about it since Quinn mentioned it to me. “Have you had a lot of boyfriends since me?”
When she squirms, I know the question has made her uncomfortable, but I don’t take it back. I wait her out as she lays silently, contemplating her answer.
Finally, in a soft voice, she says, “No.”
“Why not?”
Expelling a deep breath, she shrugs, but I have a feeling she knows the answer. I’m nothing if not a patient man, so I say nothing, allowing her time to collect her thoughts. This isn’t the first time we’ve played this game. When her head dips towards her chest, I know she’s about to tell me something significant that isn’t easy for her to say.
“Every guy I’ve ever gone out with I’ve compared to you.”
I’d be lying if I said pride wasn’t spreading through my chest. I’m glad she’s not looking in my direction because the face splitting grin I’m suddenly wearing would probably make her hit me.
“And?” I prompt, trying to keep the smugness to a minimum. I know I’m not successful when she looks up at me, eyes narrowed.
Before she answers, she turns her head away. I’m not sure if she’s unable to meet my eyes, or just doesn’t want to.
“And no one lived up to you,” she says, her voice quiet. “No one ever made me feel like you did from that very first day. How was I supposed to seriously date someone when it never felt like it did with you?” She scowls in jest, glancing back at me. “You ruined every other guy out there for me.”
“You’re welcome,” I tell her, yelping in surprise when her teeth sink into my pec. “Hey, hey. Look, I can’t help that you think I’m incredible and I left a lasting impression. Blame the other guys for not living up to the standards I set.”
Her lips press against the spot she bit before she lays her arm across my chest and rests her chin on it so she can stare in my direction. She’s smiling, but it slowly dissolves as she studies me. “It wasn’t just that.”
I’m expecting more, but it doesn’t come, at least not right away. Gazing down at her, my fingers resume their pattern along her shoulder blade as we look at each other. I don’t push, I wait, knowing she’ll get there.
Her fingertips run over my pec, dropping down to my ribs and back up again over the side of my abdomen. It’s not sexual in nature, but my body doesn’t know that. Bringing my free hand up, I take hers, lacing our fingers together because I don’t want the distraction right now. I want to know about her and what else she’s gone through in the last ten years.
“I’ve been too scared to do anything,” Hailey finally says, her voice little more than a whisper. “I think the biggest risk I’ve taken in the last ten years, besides driving with Quinn, is switching from light roast to dark.”
I bark out a laugh, not expecting the second half of her confession. Clearing my throat, I offer a tender smile. “I don’t know. Sounds like you had to go through a lot after the accident to get yourself to where you’re at. I’m sure that was pretty scary at times.”
“I guess,” she concedes. “But I did those things because I had to survive.” A frown has her pretty lips pulling downwards. “I don’t know if I’ve lived a day since you left.”
My heart pulls at the rawness of her statement. Not only because I feel for her, but because I think I know what she’s talking about from my own experience. “I can understand that.”
Her head lifts from her arm, the look on her face doubtful. “How? By the sounds of it, you’ve done nothing but live your life.”
This time my laugh doesn’t carry an ounce of happiness. “Maybe to everyone watching. Heck, maybe even to myself at times.” I push a piece of her hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear. “You know I’ve always loved a good rush.”
She nods, the lock of hair falling back into her face.
“Before I met you, they always made me feel alive. There was nothing like that feeling of pure excitement coursing through me.” I tuck the piece back behind her ear again, my thumb running along the smattering of freckles on her cheek. “Then I met you. This brilliant, beautiful woman who was just bursting to come out of her shell. Watching that happen was like an adrenaline rush on steroids. I’d never experienced anything like it.”
Hailey’s cheeks are turning a pretty shade of pink which is probably why she shakes her head, denying what I’m telling her. “That doesn’t explain you understanding how I’ve felt the last ten years.”
I give a tug to the piece of hair that doesn’t want to stay behind her ear. “I’ve been searching for that feeling ever since I lost you. I’ve done everything I can think of to get it back, chasing every high I can without turning to drugs. So maybe it does look like I’m living.” I tap my hand against my chest. “But inside there hasn’t been anything going on. Firefighting and skydiving are the closest things I’ve got to getting that feeling back.”
There’s a full body shudder from her at the mention of it. “The thought of skydiving makes me want to hurl. I can’t believe you jump out of a plane willingly.”
“You saying you wouldn’t go with me?” I grin at her.
“Fuck no,” she tells me, horrified. “That’s not just a hell no, it’s a fuck no. There’s no chance in hell I’m getting on a plane with the sole intention of jumping out of it, only to rely on a little scrap of fabric to ensure I don’t die. And if you insist on doing it, please don’t tell me ahead of time. I don’t need that stress.”
Chuckling, my fingers slide into her hair, pulling her toward me. Our lips graze against each other’s, me grinning, her frowning. “Promise,” I mumble against her mouth.
We lay there kissing for a few minutes, slow and tender, exploring each other. I thought our first night together would be frenzied and frantic, but besides the round in the kitchen, it’s been anything but. We’ve taken our time, me especially, just enjoying each other and the way we fit together. I’ve been with more women than I care to count in the last ten years, but nothing has ever felt like this. Hailey was made for me. I was made for her. There’s no doubt in my mind about that.
I know there’s something on her mind when she suddenly lifts her head, ending the kiss. My eyes open to find her staring down at me, a sullen look in her green eyes.
“Luke?”
She’s hesitant, like whatever is on her mind isn’t something she wants an answer to. I smile when she pushes on, facing whatever uncertainty I see in her eyes.
“What happens if I come out of my shell again and stop giving you that thrill?” When her eyes slide to my chest, her face flushing with heat, I know there’s more. “If I even still give it to you now.”
The vulnerability she’s showing me is an answer in itself, but I know she doesn’t see that.
“You definitely still give it to me. It’s as easy as ever to get under your skin.” I tilt her chin up so she’ll bring her eyes back to mine. She finds me grinning at her. “That’s a rush unlike any other.”
As if to prove my point, she rolls her eyes at me. “Luke, I’m serious. I know what I get from you. What I always got.” The anxiousness in her is strong when her voice drops to a whisper. “I’ve never understood what you got from me. I think that’s why it was so easy to believe you’d just disappeared.”
Abruptly I sit up, forcing her up to straddle my legs. Wrapping an arm around her waist, I flip us over, pushing her back down to the sofa. One of my knees is pressed on the couch between her legs, while my other foot is on the floor, my upper body pressing against hers while I support my weight with my legs.
I want her full attention and to get it, I need her out of her head which is where she is right now. The surprise of my movement seems to have done exactly what I wanted because she’s staring up at me with wide eyes.
“Listen to me very closely,” I tell her with a sternness I don’t usually possess. “You are so much more than you give yourself credit for. You always have been. You got yourself into Stanford on a full ride. You’re incredibly intelligent. You’ve got drive and determination. You made so many sacrifices growing up.”
I watch her swallow hard, her eyes never falling from mine. “That’s who I was,” she whispers.
“Are you telling me that’s not who you are now? Because I won’t believe it for a second.” Easing up just a little so I can see her better, my eyebrow raises. “The blind dates your mom set you up on? You telling me that isn’t self-sacrifice? Doing something you didn’t want to do for the sake of your mother?”
I’m not trying to bring up a wound by talking about her mom, but it’s the only example I know of thus far. She frowns at me but remains silent.
“Are you telling me the drive and determination isn’t there? Not sure someone without those things could recover from an accident like you had and then go on to become a paramedic. And a damn good one at that from what I’ve seen.” My eyes narrow at her. “Pretty sure a brainless twit couldn’t do that.”
“Okay!” she concedes. “Fine! Those things still apply, but that doesn’t explain what you get from me.”
“Everything, Hailey.” My tone is soft when I say it, imploring her to understand and believe me. Praying that just once someone will take me at my word. Hoping that if anyone in this world will, it’ll be her.
“I got everything from you. From that very first day when you didn’t just melt at my feet like everyone else. You give me attitude and anger. You give me a fight that I can’t turn down. Then you turn around and give me this honesty that totally contradicts that spirit, but shows me how real and raw you can be.” I take her face in my hands, running my thumbs along her cheekbones, glancing at all the freckles there. “Maybe the best part of all, the most thrilling part to me, is that you give me your trust. Even in those moments you contemplate my murder, you still hand it over willingly.”
For a long moment she just stares at me, emotion swimming in her eyes, soaking in everything I told her. Then her arms wrap around my neck and pull me down, crushing my lips to hers.
In that moment, there are no other words that need to be said by either of us. She doesn’t need to say anything. I know she’s giving me the best part of all.
Her belief.