Chapter 22
Emery
Iwent through my routine in the bathroom—pee, wash my face and hands, brush my teeth—automatically, very purposefully not thinking.
At least I tried. In actuality, my mind was racing, thoughts too fast to really keep track of.
There and gone. All the things I could say, what I should say instead of what I wanted to, trying to predict what Ville would say and how I could and should respond, chased each other through my brain.
But funnily enough, when I made it back to the bedroom and had my sleep shorts in hand, I got stuck on wondering if I should even bother to put them on.
Was it necessary? Were we going to have sex, like we had just about every night since he arrived?
Or was this it, the final moment, where we decided it was over?
I’d thought I had a few more days, since he and Wren weren’t leaving until Sunday, but maybe Ville was ready to rip the band aid off and be done.
I sucked in a breath when he wrapped himself around me, pressing his chest to my back, and tugging me in close. He found my neck with his lips, sucking there just a little, and I breathed out slowly as I gave him my weight, letting the shorts drop.
“Your mind is going a mile a minute, huh?” he asked, just a hint of amusement in his tone. The words vibrated against my skin, making me shiver.
“No, not at all. Completely blank up here.”
His soft chuckle signaled he knew I was trying for funny. He tightened his arms, holding me so close, and it helped to settle me. Nothing like getting squished back into my own body when my nerves were on edge. Ville was an expert by now.
“Adult and practical me knows we need to have this conversation,” I admitted, voice barely above a whisper. “But it would be easier to just ostrich the fuck out of this.”
That made him snort, and since his face was still against my neck, I jerked away. Not that he let me go far. In fact, he squeezed me back against him for a moment before slowly releasing me. Ville turned me around, and cupped my face, his thumb sweeping along my jaw.
He opened his mouth, but I gave him a light shove. Not that I wanted him to take his hands off me, because I never did, but because I couldn’t have this conversation if he was looking at me with sadness and affection. It was a lethal combination.
I nudged and pushed him toward the bed, though he only went because he allowed himself to be moved.
When he was situated, I crawled between his legs, putting my back to his front again, and was instantly gratified when he wrapped his arms around me again.
I settled in, and just breathed for a few minutes.
I kept hoping he would start, but when he didn’t, I knew I was gonna have to be the one to kick things off.
“I know you’re never going to leave Wren for me.”
Ville’s breath hitched, his chest stuttering against my back. “Emery, that’s not—”
“I get it.” I patted his hands where they were holding on to me. “Believe me, sugar. I understand. Not only is he your closest friend, but his safety is in your hands. You are the sole reason he’s alive and breathing, doing his thing, unscathed by all the people out there who want a piece of him.”
Ville gave me a little shake that made my lips quirk up into some semblance of a smile. When he spoke, his tone was a touch begrudging. “That’s not…entirely true.”
I didn’t bother to respond to that. I knew him.
And while he’d gathered a team of incredibly capable people, ones that he trusted Wren with, he’d never be able to walk away.
Without him at the helm, Ville wouldn’t stop worrying, and there was a part of him convinced that he was the reason Wren was still good.
“But that leaves us in a quandary doesn’t it?” I sighed and closed my eyes, trying to find my words. “I have to be here in order to do my job. You have to be with him to do yours. It’s why we both knew, going in, that this thing between us had an end date. It was just while you were here.”
He harrumphed. After a few seconds of silence, he said, “You know, Wren could employ a full-time doctor.”
I chuckled. “While that’s a nice thought, it’s not really practical, yeah?
And anyway, it wouldn’t be me. My dream has always been to serve this community, and I’m lucky that the stars aligned and I’m doing it already.
Do you understand the things that had to line up in order for me to be where I am at my age? ”
“Not really,” Ville said with a kiss to my temple. “But I trust you when you say it was a feat.”
I knew he would. But here came the hard part. “I’ve been away from my family for ten years, between college, med school, and residency. I’ve only been back a year. As much as I love the fantasy of following you and Wren, this is where I’m supposed to be.”
Ville made a noise I couldn’t interpret. Maybe if I was looking at him, I’d be able to figure it out. But I wasn’t ready to look at him. I couldn’t trust my own resolve if I did. I’d cave to whatever he wanted, simply because I didn’t want this to end.
“I know,” he murmured. Then it was his turn to sigh. “So what do we do?”
“What do you want to do?” It might have been the coward's way out. I should have just said what I wanted. But if Ville didn’t want the same thing…
. I wasn’t ready to take that last step unless I knew he was on the same page.
I thought he was, but I’d been known to project my own emotions onto people before and this was definitely not the time for ambiguity.
Ville grumbled, “I asked first.”
The tone, the hint of playfulness, made me snicker. I started tracing random patterns on his hands and arms. “The way I see it, we have two options. We say goodbye, maybe revisit this when our lives look different…if they ever do.”
“Or?”
“We do the long-distance thing.” My heart started to pound and my skin twitched. Ville held me harder, and that helped. We sat there in silence for a long few minutes. I broke first. “What are you thinking?”
It took him another moment or two before he spoke. “It’s unfair of me to ask you to wait, to only see me a few times a year, when I have no idea how long it would go on.”
My heart sank. This was it then. When he left on Sunday, we’d be over.
He’d go on with his life, keeping Wren safe, putting himself in the line of danger because Wren Paxton was the biggest country star to ever make music.
I’d be here, treating patients, trying to mend my own broken heart.
And while I expected it, had been dreading it since I first laid eyes on him again, it didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.
“But I’m going to.”
I jerked and twisted, needing to see him. Ville’s gaze was fixed on the far wall, his mouth set in a firm line. What had he just said? What did that mean?
“If you want, that is. If you’re willing.
” Ville took a deliberate breath, letting it out slowly, and finally looked at me.
His eyes were soft, and as I watched, a smile spread on his lips.
“You need to be here and I need to be there, with him. But long distance, as much as it would suck, we could do it. If you want.”
He was hedging his bets, which I totally understood. But it was unnecessary. I broke his hold—thank you Bodhi for teaching us all to fight when we were little—and scrambled over him until I could straddle his lap. “Fuck yes.”
Ville clutched me to him and I held on just as hard. For long minutes, we just held each other and breathed, taking the time to let that all sink in.
“It won’t be easy,” he warned, fingers digging into my hips. He always handled me like he wanted to leave marks, as though that would prove I was his. It was why I loved the bruises so much. I needed that proof just as much as he did.
“It won’t,” I agreed, pulling back just enough so I could see his eyes. We were practically nose to nose, but I couldn’t bear to be any farther away. “But we can call and text, have virtual dates, and see each other as often as possible.”
“Yes. To all of that.”
I kissed him, but kept it short. “I didn’t want to say goodbye to you.
I can’t imagine…” I had to take a breath, emotion welling up and trying to get the better of me.
I couldn’t allow that yet. I had things to say.
“You belong in my life Ville Aalto. And as much work as a long-distance relationship is, it’ll be worth it. I love you.”
I hadn’t meant to say the last part. It just slipped out. I’d known for a while that my heart was fully invested, but I hadn’t allowed myself to let that feeling hit my brain. I thought it would make things worse. But of course, I would have hurt just as hard.
“I love you too.” Ville’s expression was all wide eyes and smile. Then he repeated it, relief in his tone. “I love you.”
Before I could say anything else, he kissed me.
A hard, possessive, claiming kind of kiss that had me panting for breath and hard enough to pound nails.
Then I was under him, flat on my back and being pressed into the mattress.
Ville set about taking me apart until the only thing I could do was yell his name as I came.
I wasn’t hiding. It was just convenient that the rocking camp chair happened to be off to the side, by the porch and the drinks cooler.
Nice and out of the way. And hell if I didn’t need to decompress after the day I’d had.
As glad as I was to be part of this big, family-packed celebration, it was even better to be on the sidelines.
Plus there was a citronella torch close by, which meant the majority of the bugs steered clear. I had the misfortune of being a mosquito’s favorite snack.
As dusk crept into twilight, the sun sinking further and the sky turning from orange to purple, I was glad for the fire Dad was building. Soon I’d have to move closer as the temperature dropped. Once the sun disappeared behind the Rockies, I wouldn’t be surprised if it dipped into the sixties.