Chapter 15
Chapter Fifteen
ECHO
January 2001
I haven’t seen Dustin since the night he stormed off my front porch. The feeling that my dad has finally won pushes me over the edge I had been teetering on. I’m a shell of who I used to be. It’s not like my dad has spoken much to me since that night. I’m sure it has a lot to do with me screaming ‘I hate you’ at the top of my lungs. He winced. My mom chastised. And I meant it with every fiber of my being. I wanted him to hurt. To feel a sliver of the pain he had instilled in me. You can’t purposely inflict pain and suffer no repercussions.
I know hate is a strong word. But in that moment, it’s what I felt coursing through my veins as I watched the boy I love retreat from our house…from me. I still feel a tinge of that feeling when I hear him talking to my mom or see him in passing, but it’s most prevalent when I sit in the front pew, watching him preach. I have to constantly push the taste of bile down my throat during each service. I’d have to be eating for something more to come up. Maybe I’ll apologize one day. You know, be the bigger person. But since I’m just a child who’s incapable of making her own decisions, being the bigger person doesn’t apply to me.
I spend Christmas break holed up in my room, refusing to interact with the ones who are dead set on ruining my life. I feel like a prisoner for the most part. I’ve tried hanging out with girls from the team, but then my dad would ask a hundred questions because he didn’t believe me. I got tired of answering them or dealing with him period, so I just quit trying to hang out with anyone. It’s evident he doesn’t approve of me having a life outside of our house, church, and the field. And even the last two are questionable. It’s not like I can fully enjoy them when he watches me like a hawk. I get that I broke his trust, but damn. He’s suffocating me.
On top of our father/daughter relationship being completely obliterated, I also refuse to continue being paraded in his church circus. I’m no longer stepping into the role of his prized possession, angel daughter he throws in the limelight. The energy I used to feel on stage when I’d sing had disappeared. I got tired of scanning the audience in hopes of spotting Dustin, only to be disappointed. I was trying hard to keep from becoming depressed, but it was impossible. My dad can fake it all he wants, but I was done.
Holiday break is finally over, and I’ve never been more excited to go back to school. To be quite honest, I half expected my dad to pull me and have my mother homeschool me for the remainder of the year. I’m up earlier than normal so I can leave earlier than normal to make the walk to school. I put my jeans on, throw the new green sweater I got for Christmas over my head, and slide my Doc Marten boots on, then tie them with a double knot. I put on some mascara and leave my hair straight and down just like Dustin likes it.
A feeling I haven’t felt in so long has fixated itself within me. Excitement. I am so damn excited to see Dustin. And so damn nervous. Dread that he might be done with us, with me, sits nagging in the back of my mind. I want to stay positive, to hold tightly to his words, but the way he looked that night—completely defeated—still causes twinges of pain in my chest when I think about it. I’m not so certain he still thinks I’m worth the trouble. He deserves more. I want more for him. Hell, I want more for me. But that’s not going to happen while I share the same roof as Preacher Man.
I grab my backpack, jacket, and beanie in one swoop, leaving my room in haste. “Bye,” I yell, closing in on the front door. So close I can taste it.
“Are you not having your mom take you?” my dad grumbles from his study.
I pause for half a second, grabbing the door handle. The idea of ignoring him crosses my mind, but I’m not a complete brat, so I give him something. “Nope, walking.” A very short and to the point something. I’m sure he watches me as I leave, making sure I don’t jump in someone’s car. Hell, he’ll probably get in his car and trail me from a distance. The idea causes me to shiver. How did we end up here? I want to ask him ‘who hurt you’ to make you this way? But, again, I’m just the child in this situation.