Chapter 31 Hope #2
I continue. “And I love how he makes me feel safe. I’ve never felt safe before because of the home I grew up in.
I’ve always seen my father hurt my mother, and it was terrifying.
He’s tall and built. He hurt her with such ease and made sure that she was afraid of him and only loved him.
” I fidget with the ends of my sweatshirt, feeling my chest fill with so much air.
“That’s the kind of love I’ve seen. The one I read about in books was fictional and unreal.
To me, love was beautiful, trapped inside books. But ugly in real life.”
Marie reaches forward and grabs my hand. Just having her so close to me gives me strength. “Now you have the kind of love that you once believed in.”
I nod. “I love Heath a lot. It scares me, sometimes.”
“You’ll be okay,” she assures me quickly.
The pain gathered inside of me is because of the fear of losing him.
I have someone who listens to me, cares about me and fights for me.
I’ve never had that before. Heath is my best friend.
I can talk to him and he pays me attention.
Whenever I’m wrapped in his arms the rest of the world goes quiet — even the wild thoughts in my head.
He makes it easy to believe in love that I wished for but thought that I would never find.
Now all I want to do is protect him.
“Did you sleep in his room with him?” Marie asks excitedly.
My cheeks turn red. “Yes.”
“On the same bed?”
I nod.
“How was that?”
“It was good.” With shaky hands, I tuck my hair behind my ear, making it so obvious that there’s more.
Marie smirks. “So you guys just slept?”
“Not really… we…” my skin burns red as the memories from last night come back.
Marie screeches. “Oh my God! I knew it. What happened? Tell me.”
“We kissed me and then he…” heat flushes over me. “…he took off my sweatshirt—”
Marie grins too widely and buzzes with excitement. “And?”
“He kissed my…”
“What?”
“Breasts.”
“Did you like it?”
I nod, biting my lip to hide my smile.
Marie tackles me in a hug and I can’t help the laugh that escapes me. “Oh my God! I’m so happy for you.”
“Happy that we moved past kissing?”
She makes a noise in disapproval. “Actually, there’s more. I know intimacy is a big thing for you. I’m happy that you trust Heath enough to let him see you. Of course, he’ll be happy either way, but this is about you being comfortable with him and trusting him more.”
“He was patient and so gentle. And when his mouth—”
“Okay, too much information, Hope.”
I laugh.
Pulling back, she sits beside me on the bed. We both lean back against the headboard and grab the chocolate cookies that she made for me with her mom. Silence lasts for only a few minutes before Marie breaks it. Because, it’s her. She has always a lot to say — and I love listening to her.
“Did Heath tell you where he’s taking you for the date?”
“No.”
She smirks. “I know!”
I quickly turn to her. “Tell me.”
She shakes her head, a playful smile playing on her lips. “It’s a surprise.”
“Still, I want to know so I can decide what to wear.”
“Oh, don’t worry about that. I’ll help you.”
“Um, okay.”
“Trust me, you’re going to love it.” She assures me, then reaches for the remote on her nigh stand and turns on the TV. “We should watch something together.”
Before I can response she beats me to it.
“Do you have a show in mind? No wait — I have the list.” Scrolling through her phone, she opens the notes app and shows me the long list with the title, ‘Shows I want to watch with Hope.’ “Pick a random one.”
I quickly peruse the list and settle on the show named, ‘The Queen’s Gambit.’
Marie nods in approval and starts the show on her TV.
“Have you watched it before?” I ask her.
“I did a while ago. It’s a great show and I love it.”
As episode one plays, I watch it with great interest, deeply immersed in the storyline and the character.
For the first time, Marie is quiet beside me and quietly eats the cookies while passing me the plate every now and then.
Being with her makes me forget everything at home and only focus on the show that portrays a difficult childhood of a little orphan girl.
Seeing her alone brings tears to my eyes but I keep them at bay.
Hours go by as we hit play on episodes and keep watching.
By the time we finish, it’s dark outside and the world is quiet.
“That was brilliant,” I sit up and my muscles ache.
“I want to be like Beth. Super intelligent and intimidating.”
“You are. You are amazing, Marie.”
“You’re only saying that because I’m your best friend.”
I shake my head. “I don’t have to be your best friend to know that. Your light shines brighter than anyone I’ve ever met.”
“I have a light?”
I nod confidently.
“Wow… that makes me feel like I’m a star.”
I smile genuinely. “You are.”
The sparkle in her hazel eyes matches her wide grin.
She looks beautiful.
“Then you’re the moon. Just being with you brings me peace and you’re so beautiful.”
I smile. “Now who’s being biased?”
“Definitely me.” She wraps her arms around me and pulls me in a hug.
The room is drowning in darkness except for the light coming from the TV as the credits roll and music plays in low volume. Heat comes from the vents in the ceiling and has the room feel like a warm, cozy cocoon.
Just then the realization hits me that once again I’m not in my room tonight. I’m sleeping somewhere new.
My room is my sanctuary and I miss it.
I wish I could go back there.
“Hope…” I find Marie staring at me with worry swimming in her eyes. “What’s wrong?”
I gulp, pushing down the heaviness that threatens to climb my throat. “Are you sure I can stay the night here? I don’t want to bother your parents. Did you ask them? Were they okay with it? I can leave—”
She gives my hand a squeeze. “They’re more than okay with you being here. You don’t have to worry about anything at all.”
I nod. “And you?”
She grins, squashing down my stupid thoughts. “I love that you’re here.”
I can see it. The sincerity in her eyes. And it makes me wrap my arms around her, and hug her tightly. “Thank you for everything.”
“You don’t have to thank me. I’m always here for you.”
“Me too. If you ever need me.”
“I always need you.” Then she adds. “Because you’re my only girl best friend.”
“You’re my only girl best friend, too.”
After a few seconds she says, “Guys don’t understand us.”
“They don’t.”
“They’re so dumb.”
“And mean.”
“But they love us.”
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I barely sleep at night, tossing and turning on my side while Marie sleeps peacefully with her arms and legs spread like a starfish.
She likes to occupy space while I stick to my side and don’t move that much.
It happened over time. When I was little and my parents fought, I’d freeze in one position and wouldn’t move.
My body would lock in place and my blood would go cold as I’d listen to them scream at each other and then the quiet sobbing of my mother.
Every time I wanted to go down and comfort her but something in me — a pull as strong as the force of gravity — would keep me back.
Deep down, I was afraid, that Dad would hurt me — which he has. Multiple times now.
Seeing the unfamiliar walls and ceiling make dread grow in the pit of my stomach. I am safe here, but it doesn’t feel like home — even though I don’t want to go back there.
It’s early in the morning and the quietness lets my brain wander.
What are my parents doing? Are they sleeping or worrying about me? I got my answer yesterday when I visited them, but still, I wish that they’re missing me and want me back.
Surely, they don’t plan on kicking me out forever.
They will ask me to come back at some point.
Right?
The uncertainty gnaws on my insides like a parasite, eating me away with wild, strange thoughts that cause my anxiety to triple.
My heart sinks into my stomach and my breathing lowers to slow, labored breaths that suck the oxygen out of me.
I glance at Marie and she’s sleeping soundly. Not a worry on her face. She looks at peace.
I wish I were like her.
Brave. Happy. Safe.
But I’m not.
My life is a complete mess. Now things have gotten even more complicated.
Hundreds of thoughts surround me and sleep arrives in full force.
Slowly, it lures me and before I know my eyes shut on their own.