19. Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Nineteen
Mia
I ’d been avoiding this place, secretly hoping the train station renovations would be delayed so I could stay at Tyler’s house. If I asked him, he’d let me. While Grady showed off all the modifications he completed so people like me could come here, dropped into a songwriting oasis, I had to admit he’d thought of everything. Given that he was also a very talented songwriter, his attention to detail made sense.
I eyed Grady while we took in the studio space. He was taller and leaner than Tyler. Since Tyler had gone on tour, he’d bulked up, and in places his muscles had muscles. I’d never complain.
When I first met and worked with Grady, I worried he’d be like many of the other men in the business. Instead, he was creative and driven and understanding of my songwriting quirks. I liked him—a lot—too much. Now, looking at him, he felt like a big brother. The crush that had threatened to blossom before had wilted.
“When are you back here full-time?” I asked, thinking of how close he and Maggie had been at my surprise party a few weeks ago. The way they looked at each other had caused my chest to ache.
He grabbed a handful of his almost too-long brown hair before shrugging. “Who knows? I gotta prove myself. ”
“I can’t imagine anyone not wanting to work with you and not being happy to work here in this space. You’ve done an amazing job.”
“I tried to make it high level, elite. I want good people. I want this to be my job, my life, here in this town. The recording studio was already top-notch, but I needed the apartment to be the same.”
“You want this life with Maggie?” I remembered his performance at the benefit, how the song he’d written for Maggie had gone viral. Half the internet had been in love with him after that, me included. To be loved like that…
“With Maggie.” He grinned. “And hopefully, some little girls and boys who take after their mother.”
“I want this baby to be a boy. I want him to be like Tyler.”
“Really?” He frowned. “Why? Women seem to want a little mini-me running around. You’re due at the end of July, right? You don’t know what you’re having yet?”
I crossed my arms over the bump that had popped out a little over a week ago. Two hours of staring at it in the mirror hadn’t managed to make my stomach go back to reasonably flat. So, now I was slathering oil on it, praying I didn’t end up with stretch marks I’d have to explain to people. “Tyler has an envelope with the baby’s sex in it.”
“So, he knows?”
“No, I asked him not to look.”
“And he listened?” Grady raised his eyebrows.
“You know Tyler. He’s a good guy.” The best guy. “You wouldn’t look if Maggie asked, I know it.”
“It’s a bit different.”
“A baby is a baby.” I scrunched up my face .
“Yeah, but Maggie and I would be doing the whole thing together. Unless something has changed, he’s on his own once the baby is born, right?”
I gritted my teeth and recrossed my arms. My leaving sounded so cold when he put it like that. Tyler and the baby were better off. “So, is this place ready to move into? You’re right. Tyler probably needs to get his house ready for this baby. Only a couple more months.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“You know, the label might owe me a favor soon. I’ll make a few calls and see if I can get you back here permanently or at least working out of New York. It’s bullshit they pushed you into L.A.” I gazed up at him. “You’d like that, right? Being back on the East Coast?”
“That’s the goal. I’d appreciate anything you can do. I don’t have that kind of clout—yet.”
“I do. I should. They owe me. They definitely owe me.” Despite the growing storm around Kenny, I hadn’t said a peep.
Grady was quiet for a minute, and then he went to the stocked bar fridge and pulled out one of my favorite sparkling waters and passed it to me.
“They owe you because of Kenny Connors?” Grady cracked his can and gulped it back.
I stiffened. Annoying, maybe even enraging, that people seemed to know what had happened. Or at least, thought they knew. Not a single person stepped in, stopped him, and people obviously knew.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I opened the can and took a sip, wandering around the room. “I just meant I’ve made them a lot of money.”
While I trusted Grady, once a topic became hot, it was easy for people in dark rooms or recording studios to let something slip, a harmless tidbit. All it would take was one, Oh yeah, Mia Malone mentioned something to me about that, and the fuse would be lit.
He took the hint and tossed his empty can into the recycling bin by the door. “Did you want to move in here, or are you going to stick it out with Tyler?”
The question was loaded with meaning both obvious and barely disguised. He tipped his head at my protruding belly. “Going back and forth is risky.”
It was May, so my bulky coats wouldn’t be inconspicuous much longer, and I would only get bigger now that my stomach had given up the fight. Once I moved into the train station, I wouldn’t have to leave again until I lost the baby weight. Grady even installed a small dance studio and a tiny gym with a treadmill and elliptical to help drop the pounds afterward.
Moving in here would be one step removed from Tyler. No more nightly orgasms. No more lazy evenings in bed, his ear pressed to my belly while I toyed with his hair. The truth was, the hurricane swirled around me, waiting to suck me back in, spin me around. The eye was the dangerous place, where it was easy to forget the vicious winds awaiting.
Maybe it was better if those comforts stopped now, before I got too secure, lulled into believing the chaos wouldn’t come for me.
The idea of moving in here alone made my stomach roll, even though I was long past needing lollipops to appease it.
“He can stay here, too.” Grady tried to catch my gaze.
“I don’t know. I guess I need to make a decision soonish. After the gala.” I had to wade through the VISION Gala minefield in a few days .
“You and Tyler driving to New York for that?”
“We leave tomorrow,” I confirmed. “When we get back, I’ll let you know whether I’m moving in here. It’s the most logical choice.”
“Like I said, if you want Tyler to shack up here with you, I could care less. We’re all family, right?”
Family.
I nodded but didn’t meet his gaze. “Do you think you’ll marry Maggie?”
“If she’ll have me.”
“How did you know, you know, that she was it? The one. Your person?”
He took a deep breath and leaned against the wall. “She’s been the woman for me for so long, I can’t really remember a time when she wasn’t.” With a finger, he traced the light switch. “You’re wondering about Tyler?”
“No,” I said. “No, I just—I can’t imagine feeling that way about someone. Forever . People aren’t built for that.”
“Hmm.” He searched my face, his brown eyes seeing more than I wanted. “I don’t know what’s actually going on between you and Tyler. It’s none of my business. But since you asked and my answer doesn’t fit, I’ll tell you this. When you love someone, when you really love someone, the idea of going through life without them is equivalent to having an organ removed. There’s this gaping hole.” He touched his chest. “The only person who can fill it is the one you love. That’s when you know.”
“Are we in Jerry McGuire right now? You complete me?” I gave him a wry smile. “Is that what you’re saying?”
“You know that movie? Sometimes that shit isn’t wrong, Mia. But, nah, it’s not really about someone completing you. I was a complete person before I managed to convince Maggie I wasn’t a total asshole.” He looked up at the ceiling and seemed to be searching for the right words. “She gets me. We’re very different, Maggie and I, but when we’re together, the world makes more sense.”
The train station door opened, and Pasha dipped his head in, pointing to his watch. I had a fitting with Tyler at the shop in fifteen minutes. This was the first but also hopefully the final one before the gala in a couple of days.
“Well, thanks, Grady. I’ll let you know if I’m moving in anytime soon.” I should move in. If I were smart, I’d go home and pack right now. The longer I stayed with Tyler, the harder it would be to leave.
Pasha popped open the alley door which led right into Tyler’s workroom at the back of the shop. Slipping out of the car, I squeezed past him into the room. I hadn’t seen the dress since Tyler showed me his sketches a couple of weeks ago.
Against the wall, the dress dangled from a hanger, and I sucked in a sharp breath at its beauty. The dress was art. Of course, I’d known Tyler was talented. Based on what I saw on tour, what he did with the dress he made for me, his own clothes which I discovered he often tailor-made from thrift store finds, all pointed to his gift for design. Sketchbooks littered his house, brimming with ideas. Every piece of creativity scattered around his life was how I knew he could design something fit for the gala .
The dress hanging against the wall exceeded all of my expectations. People were going to freak out when I showed up in it. I traced the galaxy he’d created on the dress. So much of the material was handstitched in vibrant colors which popped off the rich, black velvet.
When the door opened behind me, I didn’t turn to look, too busy peering at the tiny, intricate details in the dress. “This dress—”
“Isn’t quite finished.” His shoulder brushed against mine. “Creating a fictional world in space is more time-consuming than I anticipated.”
“It’s gorgeous…”
“But.”
“It looks too long?” The dress was poised above my head, but I knew my height, my dimensions from countless fittings. I wasn’t this tall.
He tipped his head toward the corner. “The way it is now, it would also show off your gorgeous curves. But that contraption,” he pointed to the round metal piece, “slipped underneath will give you some breathing room and make the dress just the right length.”
I ventured to the corner, my hand running along the series of hoops. “A hoopskirt?”
“Also called a farthingale during Elizabeth I’s reign. I had to custom build it since we’ll be putting it just under your bust and I need to be sure you’ll be protected from speculation.” He collapsed it down with his hands and looked at me. “Strip.”
I threw him a teasing smile before I removed everything except my bra and underwear. Once I stepped inside, he let his hands go, and it sprung up around me. I laughed, delighted. “God, that’s so smart. Look at you, all clever.”
He grinned and took a lollipop out of his pocket to twirl between his fingers. Without opening it, he tucked it back in his pocket and carefully removed the dress, slipping it over my head so it slid over the boning of the hoop. When I looked down, it grazed the floor, perfect. At my back, he used clips to tighten the dress.
As soon as he finished, I swished over to the full-length mirror. With my hair spilling around my shoulders, I looked like a giant, wild solar system. I twisted my hand into my hair and secured the bulk of it on top of my head. Turning from side to side, I marveled at the detail.
“People will go wild about this.”
“I don’t know. It’s a bit on the nose with the theme. But the solar system is all invented—none of it is real. I have reasons to explain my choices if anyone bothers to ask.” He chuckled. “I was worried it would feel too… I don’t know…something. But you wear it exceptionally well.”
“You’re going to be more famous than me after this.” My comment wasn’t flattery. I couldn’t imagine anyone else arriving in something so gorgeous and perfect. How had I managed to hook up with someone this amazing? After all the terrible men I’d known, he was a gift—one I’d have to return, but a gift, nonetheless.
“I doubt that,” he said, his tone wry.
While I stared at myself in the mirror, I realized I’d probably never get another moment like this, one where Tyler had dressed me, where we were a team, where I was protected and cherished. Tears pooled in my eyes and slipped down my cheeks.
I didn’t want this to be the last time, the only time this moment happened. But I wasn’t capable of long-term commitment, didn’t want to be a mother, couldn’t be responsible for other people’s happiness.
For the first time since I’d hit it big, I had the headspace to figure out what made me happy. Being around him made me happy. Being on stage surrounded by thousands of fans made me happy. Writing songs made me happy.
Having a baby did not make me happy.
“What’s going on in that head of yours?” He stepped in front and brushed away my tears.
“The train station is done.”
“Okay,” he drew out the word. “I knew you were meeting Grady today.” He ducked down so our gazes connected.
“And you need to get things ready for this baby—like a room and some clothes and, I don’t know, lots of other things.”
Out of his pocket, he produced the lollipop and ripped off the wrapper. He stared at it for a minute and then focused on me. “I was hoping you might want to do some of the planning and organizing with me.”
I shook my head and wiped my cheeks where tears continued to fall. God, why was I always crying? It was annoying. There was no reason to be crying. I had a good life before Tyler and this baby. I’d have a good life once this baby was born, and I was on my own again. “I don’t want to do any of that.”
He stuck the lollipop into his cheek, and I caught the scent of jasmine. Did he even order any of the other kinds anymore? Sometimes, I still found a stray lemon-and-ginger one lying around the house, as though he left me a token, a reminder. Maybe he did. There was no end to his thoughtfulness, his kindness.
“Okay.” Tyler turned his back and busied himself at his worktable. “Are you telling me you want to move your stuff over to the train station? ”
My heart sank, dipped low into my stomach. It was the middle of May. The baby was due at the end of July. I could still have…eight, maybe ten weeks with Tyler before I had to give him up.
“Move into the train station with me.” The words left in a rush, not thought through, not planned. But Grady had planted the seed, and now it was sprouting.
“Move out of my house into the train station?” With a frown, he turned to face me.
“Temporarily. Think about it.” I held up my hand to stop his objections. This was an excellent plan, actually. “Pasha and I will be gone from your house, and with you gone too, you can get someone to decorate the bedroom, fill it with all the stuff you’ll need. You won’t have to smell the paint or whatever.”
He rubbed his face, and I could sense another objection coming. Logic had no place here. I wanted him, wanted him more than I’d ever wanted anything or anyone.
“Please.” Tears rolled down my cheeks. The distance between us already felt too great. I crossed the room and squeezed between his legs, the dress surprisingly flexible. “Please, Tyler.” Once we separated, I’d never have another relationship like this again; I knew it. Much worse, I’d never get to be with him like this again.
He cupped my cheek, and he brushed away my tears with his thumb, tenderness in his gaze. “Are you sure?”
I nodded my head and didn’t bother to acknowledge the tears blurring my vision. Moving him to the train station was a terrible idea and would only make what came later harder. But I wanted him so badly.
“If you’re suggesting this because you think it’s what I want, you don’t have to. I want to be with you, but you like your space, and I get that. ”
I gaped at him. He thought I was considering what he wanted? With a laugh, I wiped my face, wetness on my fingertips. What he wanted had never occurred to me. I was too much in my feelings.
“You’d want to move to the train station?” I asked.
“Mostly, I just want to be with you, wherever that is.” His lips quirked up in a partial smile. “I like being with you.”
Did he love me? Was that a question you could ask someone? What if he didn’t? What if he just liked having sex, and I was reading too much into this?
Did I love him? No. I didn’t. The baby loved him. The baby loved him so much. All these feelings I’d never felt for anyone else were because of the baby. I was riding those hormones for all they were worth, that was all.
He peered down, his eyes narrowing. “What’s going on in there?” He tapped my temple gently.
The reality was he loved the baby and enjoyed being with me. That was all. Expecting anything else was ridiculous. Once the baby was born, I’d feel like myself again. I just had to get to that point without becoming a complete fool.
“Nothing,” I said with a headshake. “Just hormones.”