26. Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Six
Tyler
W e’d been dancing around each other since we got back to my house for our final night together. I’d slept at the hospital with her and Victoria the last two nights, trying to get a handle on some sort of routine, knowing that soon Mia wouldn’t be part of it.
At the house, nothing felt quite right. The baby’s room had made Mia cry. In trying to be gender neutral, I’d decorated in soft gray and yellow tones. Seeing her joyful surprise was a moment I would have treasured if Laura hadn’t come up behind us and loudly declared it “too bland” for a little girl.
Then, Laura insisted on staying in the basement rather than the hotel she’d been at the last few days. Her stubbornness almost led to an all-out war between us with Mia as an exhausted Switzerland. Everything Mia had ever done somehow became Laura’s successes and failures. Any chance she had to wind up her daughter, she took it.
I wanted to protect Mia from Laura’s toxic influence, but I didn’t know how and wouldn’t have a chance once the morning came and she vanished from my life.
Night had fallen even though I wished time would slow down, let me savor these last few hours. Away from here, Laura would sink her claws deeper into Mia, convince her that life in the spotlight, life on the road, untethered to other human connections was the best thing for her. If you never loved anyone, you never got hurt by anyone either.
Victoria was in the bassinet next to the bed. Everything we needed to make bottles and change diapers was set up in the bedroom and en suite. Pasha was sleeping on the couch, so he’d be aware of any intruders, and we had two other bodyguards at the doors, just in case. In the hallway, Pasha had told Mia that Laura was the only intruder he needed to worry about. Never had a truer sentence been spoken.
Beside me, Mia eased into bed and hauled the covers up to her shoulders. We’d never slept in this room together before we’d moved to the train station. The basement had been our domain. When I’d been planning for the baby, I’d figured having everything on the main floor would be easier. Right now, I was regretting it. A heaviness rested between us. The feeling was compounded by the strangeness of the room, the newness of the baby, the realization that everything we’d been to each other up to this point was shifting, had already shifted, was, perhaps, drifting away.
There was a very strong chance Mia would never come back. We’d been so busy since leaving the hospital that I hadn’t had a chance to dwell on that nugget of truth. Now, in the darkness of the room with her even breathing beside me, it was all I could think about.
In the morning, she would leave. Tomorrow night when I turned my head, there’d be an empty spot, in this bed, in my life, in my heart. I knew what was coming—the emptiness, the misery. Last time I’d had my family and a whole lot of alcohol to pull me from the depths. This time, I couldn’t let myself fall apart. Victoria needed me. My sisters needed me. My mother needed me. Maybe later, miles from here, Mia might need me too, so I had to keep myself together, even if my heart was in tatters.
“Having a baby is weird,” Mia said. “I got more instructions with the last lipstick I bought. They just, like, let us leave. What if we were terrible people? What if we didn’t have enough money to look after the baby? What if we didn’t have a house?”
I rolled onto my side and propped my head in my hand. “We were there for two days. David and Katie have known you for months now, and they’ve known me for years.”
“That just means they know I’m a hot mess. That’s what that means. They know I’m not fit to be a mother, and they let me leave with her anyway.”
Mia’s insecurity was my least favorite side. I loved every aspect of her, but this one made my heart ache. When she showed this part of herself, I understood these moments needed the most love, the most understanding, the biggest piece of my heart. My father had often scoffed at those who said self-love had to come first, as though it was a magic cure-all for finding any other kind of love. He’d told me, more than once, that people who didn’t love themselves were as deserving of love as anyone else. In fact, they might even need it more.
“You’ve been incredible so far. We’re figuring it out together. Babies don’t come with a standard instruction manual because they’re all different. What works for one kid might not work for another one. It’s okay to mess up or not be sure. That’s why we have the internet.”
“You got your PhD in Parenting from Google University?” She laughed, and her finger trailed along the side of my face to my jaw.
“No one can ever accuse me of being a slacker.”
Her expression softened, and she stared at me for a long time, impossible to read. “Do you think I’m a bad person?”
“No. Never.” I took in the agony on her face. “Do you think you are? ”
“I knew about Kenny Connors. He did it to me. I knew. And I didn’t stop him. Didn’t make him stop. All those other girls…” A tear slipped down her cheek. “How can people forgive me for that?”
A million responses ran through my head. Picking one that was clear and concise felt impossible. “Mia,” I said in an even voice, “I don’t want to ask, but I want to make sure I understand.” I searched her face. “Did he rape you?”
“Yes,” she whispered. “I think so. I didn’t…when I was fifteen, I didn’t know what to call it.” Her bottom lip trembled. “I froze. When he trapped me against the desk, I froze.”
“That’s not your fault. Freezing out of fear isn’t consent. You were fifteen. He would have been what? Old enough to know better, old enough to understand what he was doing was wrong.”
“Sure, but…months ago…” She closed her eyes and pressed the heels of her hands into them.
“What happened months ago?” With a gentle tug on her wrists, I stared down at her.
“I knew there were others, that I wasn’t the only one.” She swallowed. “Nothing. I did nothing. All this fame, all this power, and I did nothing. I…I saved my own ass, that’s it.”
The right words were impossible to find. “You think people are going to criticize you for not coming forward sooner?”
“Of course. Yes. Haven’t you ever read an article or watched the news? How often is the woman criticized? What were you wearing? What’d you have to drink? Why didn’t you say no? Why didn’t you report it? Why didn’t you help all those other defenseless girls who didn’t have your power and influence? ” Her voice cracked at the end. “Why didn’t I help them? ”
“You can’t go back, Mia.” I hated how torn up she seemed, so conflicted over something that wasn’t her fault. “He made a choice, and—”
“So did I,” Mia cried.
“I don’t have all the answers.” I brushed my lips against her forehead and wiped her tears with my thumbs. “But I know you were young, so young, too young. You were scared, maybe you’re still scared.”
“Back then, I didn’t know what to do.”
“What are you going to do now?”
“I’m going to testify. I’m going to do everything I can to make sure he can’t hurt another girl again.” Her hand strayed to the bassinet. “Slay the monsters.”
I wrapped my arm around her middle and tugged her closer to my side. “Sometimes, for whatever reason, we’re not ready. If we’re lucky, we get a second chance.”
“When I show up at the deposition looking like this, the tabloids will come for you. They’ll come for her.” Tears pooled in her eyes again. “I still look pregnant, and the internet tells me that’s not going to change for a while.”
“I’ll protect you. I’ll protect our daughter.” I kept my voice soft, soothing. “You don’t need to worry about who comes looking.”
“I don’t want you to suffer for the choices I’ve made.”
“While you’re out slaying monsters, I’ll gladly hold your shield.”
Minutes passed between us, and Mia didn’t say anything, her fingers gliding along the strands of my hair. Her thoughtful habit was one I’d miss. So many things I’d miss. Dwelling on them now wouldn’t make them easier to bear tomorrow.
“I love you, Tyler. You know that, right? I’m not leaving because I don’t love you. ”
My throat closed up, and it took a moment before I could speak. “Yeah, I know.” I shifted closer, secured my arm a little tighter. If only my grip was enough to keep her here, attached to my side.
She’d spent the whole pregnancy convincing herself that a life with me, a life with a baby was the last thing she wanted. Was it still? Would it be once the trial was over? The only certainty was that when tomorrow came, I couldn’t come apart at the seams. Too many people were depending on me.
Hold it together, Tyler. Hold it together.