Chapter 9
9
HANK
Group: Dungeons and Dickheads
Conrad:
We still good for tonight?
Kolbi:
It is Wednesday brother.
Conrad:
I’m just making sure no one fucked up their plans. It’s been a long time since we had a standing campaign time. Knowing you idiots, someone is bound to forget or schedule over it.
Malcolm:
I’m going to be twenty minutes late. Sorry guys.
Conrad:
This is why I ask.
Kolbi:
*face palm emoji*
Malcolm:
Sorry I have a JOB that requires me to stay late sometimes. Our closing bartender is running late and I have to cover until he gets here. I’m coming straight from work. You fuckwads can wait.
Lay off, Conrad, we can’t all be comfy asswipes like you who work for themselves and lay at home all day pretending to work.
I will be there though. And on time, unlike some people.
Malcolm:
*middle finger emoji*
Kolbi:
Hank, aren't you supposed to be working right now? It’s not lunch, you shouldn’t be on your phone.
Probably but my boss sets terrible examples for his employees and is on his phone all the time at work. Plus he’s a huge dick.
Conrad:
Yeah I’ve heard he’s a major ass wipe. And that his dick is only an inch and a half long.
Malcolm:
I’ve heard that he sucks in bed and hasn’t gotten laid in months. Poor sap.
Kolbi:
You can all go fuck yourselves. And for the record, my dick is much longer than an inch and a half and I can promise you, I do not suck in bed. The girl I went home with last weekend can attest to that *smirk emoji*
Conrad:
I just threw up in my mouth *barf emoji*
Kolbi:
Speaking of getting laid, Hanky boy, how’s it going with that girl from the bar last weekend? Get her number yet?
Malcolm:
I swear to Christ if you haven’t I’m going to cut your dick off, make you eat it, and then get her number myself.
Conrad:
Malcolm we should really talk about how violent that was.
I will fucking cut you off at your knees if you get anywhere near her.
Conrad:
Again with the violence.
Kolbi:
Wooahh, down boy. Someone’s protective.
Malcolm:
I’d like to see you try Hanky. You might be an ex soldier or whatever but I have a good three inches on you and could take you out if I needed to *punch emoji*
You’re on dumb ass.
Conrad:
Can we bet on who would win? My money is on Hank.
Malcolm:
Fuck you Connie.
Kolbi:
Hank, you didn’t answer my question brother.
Conrad:
Alright I’m doubling down on Hank. Fuck you Malcolm, you know I hate when people call me ‘Connie’ *middle finger emoji*
Yes, I got her number. I’m taking her to dinner on Saturday.
Malcolm:
Oh look, Hanky boy does have a penis. Way to finally man the fuck up dude.
Conrad:
Alright Hank!
Kolbi:
I’m proud of you brother.
Conrad:
Where are you going?
Malcolm:
Do you need me to buy you condoms? They only sell those to real men.
Kolbi:
Do you want to borrow my car so you don’t have to go on your bike?
Sorry boys, I have a job to do and don’t have time to play 20 questions right now. I’ll see you idiots tonight.
Conrad:
Way to be a buzzkill.
Malcolm:
Fuck you dude.
Kolbi:
What a model employee you are.
“ S o where are you going for dinner?” Malcolm asked as we sat around the table that night.
“Haven’t decided yet,” I replied, not looking up from the game board.
It was Wednesday night and we were all together again for our weekly Dungeons and Dragons session. As expected, Malcolm was twenty minutes late which irritated Conrad. He was always such a stickler for schedules and routines.
“Can we please focus on the game? We’re already behind,” Conrad muttered, rubbing the back of his head.
“Dude, relax . You need to chill out. Being so uptight all the time isn’t good for you.” Kolbi slapped him on the back and laughed.
“I am relaxed, I just wish we would all pay attention to what’s going on.”
I laughed at my friend and rolled the die. When it landed, we continued to play through the story as it was woven for us. We played a few more rolls before Malcolm asked me about my date again.
“You should take her somewhere downtown. There’s lots of bars you could bounce around from. No shortage of good food options either.”
“The entire city is full of good food options, moron.” Conrad rolled his eyes, annoyed that we had veered away from the game again.
“I was thinking of taking her across to the island, over to Penelope’s. It’s right on the water.” I had searched for a place to take her over my lunch break. The place was small, intimate, and the menu was full of incredible looking Italian food. I remembered how she said she liked it at the gym and I wanted to make sure I took her somewhere she would enjoy.
“Never heard of it.” Malcolm furrowed his brows.
“Just because you work in the restaurant scene doesn’t mean you know every restaurant,” Kolbi pointed out.
Conrad rolled the die and we continued to play. It never ceased to amaze me how we could easily flow between real life and the made up world of our campaign. This was how the four of us communicated best. Through games.
“Aha, fuck you guys!” Conrad laughed as his character advanced and Malcolm and I were stuck to figure out our next moves on our own.
“Do you have the proper precautions for after the date?” Malcolm raised his eyebrows at me with a sly smirk and Conrad pretended to gag from his seat.
“I don’t plan on sleeping with her dude,” I huffed.
“Why the hell not? She’s a fucking dream. I would love to see what she looks like under her clothes,” Malcolm shot back. Kolbi sat back in his seat and shook his head, watching us go at each other like small children.
“Because it’s only the first date. Real gentlemen don’t expect to have sex on the first date.” I threw my bottle cap at him and he swatted it to the floor. It’s not that I hadn’t thought about it and I had run into the drugstore after work to buy a box of condoms just in case. But I wasn’t that kind of guy.
“I’m not saying you should expect it, I’m just saying you should prepare for it.” Malcolm shrugged his shoulders.
“An accidental pregnancy would be a real bummer,” Conrad added. I rolled my eyes at both of them.
“Yes, I have precautions for after the date. I’m not holding my breath on needing them though. If she wants to, I won’t tell her no. But I am not going to insinuate that it needs to happen or should happen.”
“I think that’s very noble of you,” Kolbi noted, standing from the table to grab another beer.
“But if you do get her in bed, be sure to wrap it up,” Conrad quipped.
“And when you get her in bed.” Malcolm took a pull from his beer. “You’ll need to let us know how it is.”
“I’m not telling you fuckers anything.” I rolled my eyes again.
We continued our playthrough for the night without anymore talk of my date. As we played, I tried to keep my mind on what was happening in front of me instead of where it was trying to sneak away to.
Towards images of Bailey in my bed with me on Saturday.
I wasn’t holding my breath that it would happen and I wasn’t going to push her to do anything she didn’t want to do. But if she was interested in coming home with me, I would be ready.
What kind of gentleman would I be if I wasn’t?