CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
CLOVER
I let Raina pull me along to the car. Together we got into the backseat while Knight slid into the driver’s seat and got us the hell out of there. Both Gage and Havoc stayed behind with the rest of the crew they’d brought.
As we pulled out of the parking lot, I stared through the back window, watching as Gage slammed Blaze’s face against the hard asphalt. A hand went to my mouth as I bit back a cry. Now that it was too late to take back what I’d done, that was all I wanted to do.
My heart ached with the weight of my betrayal. Maybe there had been another way. Maybe I’d been too rash in making this decision. Not that it mattered now. It was done. There was no taking it back.
The shock on Blaze’s face as he realized I’d sold them out would haunt me for a long time.
“Everything is okay now,” Raina reassured me, pulling me into a side hug. “We won’t let them get their hands on you again.”
Memories of their hands all over me flashed through my mind. Why did her claim sound so fucking horrible? That’s what I wanted, wasn’t it?
Confusion shook me. I didn’t know what I wanted anymore. My time with the Angels had changed me. I didn’t know myself now.
I managed to nod and mumble something that sounded like an agreement. While fresh tears filled my eyes, I stared out the window, watching the city at night fly by but seeing none of it. I was lost in my thoughts, lost in myself. What had I done?
The first thing we did was go right to the Angels’ house. We entered through the back kitchen door which had been left unlocked. While Knight kept watch downstairs, Raina helped me pack up my things.
Tears slid down my cheeks as I stood in Blaze’s bedroom. His scent was everywhere. Although he and I had bonded the most, there was no denying that Daire and Cash had come to mean something to me. I wasn’t entirely sure what that was yet, but that didn’t make it any less real.
“Bad memories?” Raina asked, misunderstanding my tears.
“Not really,” I admitted. “It’s just hard, you know?”
She pressed her lips tight together and nodded. If anyone would understand what I was going through, it would be Raina. Although I hadn’t been as honest as I should have been about my feelings. I’d kept my time with the Angels to myself, sharing minimally, afraid to say too much about the men who’d hurt my friend. It felt wrong to enjoy their company. To like anything they did to me, even though sometimes I hated it too. I was a mess.
I glanced at a black hoodie Blaze had tossed onto his bed. The temptation to take it with me was unbearably strong. I started to reach for it. No, I couldn’t. It would only be torture to myself.
As we left his room, Raina cast a dark glare at Daire’s closed bedroom door. That’s where the Angels had taken her the night they grabbed her. It confirmed for me what I already knew. It was wrong to form any attachment to these guys. I had to cut this cord now.
After throwing my things into the trunk of the car, Knight drove us back to the Gods’ house. I swallowed hard as another swell of tears choked me. I fought them back, not wanting to explain my emotions. I couldn’t even explain them to myself.
“Can I get you anything?” Raina asked after putting my things in the spare room downstairs. “Make yourself at home. I want you to feel comfortable here.”
I slid onto a stool at the kitchen island. A deep breath made my shoulders shake. “Thanks, Raina. I really appreciate this. Just some water please.”
I’d have loved to chug back a bottle of vodka right then. I didn’t trust myself not to drunkenly run right back to the Angels’ house and beg their forgiveness.
“Are you sure you don’t want anything stronger?” Placing a glass of water in front of me, Raina slid onto the stool beside me. “I’m sorry this happened to you, Clover. You deserve better than them.”
But I don’t want better than them. I don’t want anyone else.
The thought flitted through my head, making my heart hurt. I didn’t dare voice it aloud.
“I’m good, thanks. Probably not a good time for alcohol.” Staring into my water glass, I focused on breathing. One breath after another. No tears.
Knight slipped from the room, giving us some privacy to talk. The Gods had done terrible things to Raina. She’d done some shitty things right back. They’d still come together and found something special. I’d just blown any chance I’d had of having that happen with Daire, Cash, and Blaze.
Raina gently rubbed my back. “Come on, girl. Talk to me. You’ve been so shut down lately. What’s going on with you?”
A sip of water slid cool down my throat. I sighed. “I think I made a huge mistake.”
Raina hesitated before saying, “What is it that you haven’t been telling me? Do you have feelings for those guys?”
Rubbing a hand over my forehead, I forced myself to meet her inquisitive gaze. “I don’t know. I think maybe I do. Please don’t hate me. I know that I shouldn’t.”
“Do you feel that way because of what they did to me?” She waited for my nod. “Clover, you know that I understand what it’s like to fall for guys that are not exactly Prince Charming.”
“Not even Knight?” I teased, trying to lighten the mood.
“Hell no,” she laughed. “That jackass gets off on making me cry. I still love him though. So I understand what you’re going through. Part of you wants to hate them, and then you hate yourself for loving them. I get it.”
My lungs deflated in relief. “That’s exactly how it feels. I don’t want to have feelings for the guys who hurt my friend. They also hurt me. I kind of liked it though. Does that make me fucked up? Maybe I need therapy.”
“You’re preaching to the choir, sister.” Raina waved away my concern. “Don’t worry about me. I’m fine. I’m over it. Can’t say I won’t punch Daire in the face several more times in the future, but I won’t hold it against you if you’ve started to feel something for him. For any of them. I know that this kind of thing isn’t always in our control. It’s a real mind fuck.”
“It’s too late though. It doesn’t matter now that I screwed them over.” My shoulders slumped as the harshness of reality set in. “They’ll hate me. They might even want to hurt me.”
Knowing she couldn’t argue that, Raina merely rubbed the back of my hand and bumped her shoulder against mine. When the front door opened, we both sat up straighter.
Havoc and Gage strode in looking far too proud of themselves. Gage had a smear of blood down one cheek. My heart began to pound.
“What happened?” I blurted. “Did anyone get hurt?”
Havoc opened the fridge and fished out a beer, drinking back half in one go. “Nobody died but those fuckers didn’t take it without a fight.”
I winced, wishing again that I’d thought this through longer before making my ill-fated decision. “How bad was it?”
“Nothing that a few days won’t heal,” Gage said with a careless shrug. “Daire got the worst of it. Dude can’t resist a good fight.”
Yeah, that sounded like Daire.
“What if they come after me here?” Part of me wanted them to come. Why couldn’t I shake that?
“We’ve got some guys parked outside,” Havoc explained, finishing his beer. “Nobody is getting in here.”
That should have made me feel better. It didn’t.
“I think I’m going to go to bed. Thank you for everything. It means a lot to me.” Sliding off my stool, I took my water and headed to the basement door.
Raina followed me as far as the door. “Want me to come down and hang out for a bit?”
“As much as I appreciate that, I think I need to be alone right now. I need to get my head on straight.”
She pulled me into a hug that tested my inner strength. I was lucky to have a friend like Raina.
We parted ways and I descended into the quiet basement. The only time I’d been down here in the past had been during parties. It had been loud and packed with people, liquor, and drugs. It felt like a whole different place now.
The spare bedroom was clean and basic. It lacked personality but it would do. I sat on the side of the bed for a long time, replaying the events of the evening.
Over and over I told myself that the Angels were bad news. They were controlling jerks with dark tendencies. I didn’t need them, and I shouldn’t want them.
It didn’t matter now anyway. They would hate me after what I did, and I probably deserved it.