Chapter Seven
The dog days of summer were in full effect, and I was spending what would soon be one of the last few nights of solitude outside with my mother while my twin watched from inside.
It had been raining off and on all day, but for the last several hours, Mother Nature left a haze, which made my skin perspire.
Or maybe the thin sheen on my flesh was due to the thoughts I had been having lately of Cillian.
I ran a hand through my long, auburn curls and threw my bare feet up onto the small ottoman in front of me.
The creaking of the rocker and the sound of my mother flipping the pages of the mystery novel she was reading weren’t the only sounds out here, but they pushed the symphony of tree frogs and the lapping of water down to where I could barely hear them.
A sigh escaped me, and I brushed a few errant curls from my forehead before reaching for my glass. I picked it up, then shook what was nothing now but partially melted ice. I swung my legs down and stood up. My mother’s glass was also empty, and since I was going inside anyway, I cleared my throat.
“I’m going to get another drink. Would you like me to refill yours as well?”
She smiled up at me. “I would love some more tea, baby.” I returned her smile, or at least tried, which made her put her book down in her lap and turn fully toward me. “I know this summer has been hard on you. It didn’t start off that well, but this next year is going to be a great one.”
When she brought up the way it started, that was an understatement.
Cillian and I had been caught sleeping together.
I didn’t think my mother would ever forgive me, considering how angry she had been, but Rowan did end up needing more of my bone marrow, so we had left for the city a week after the incident.
My mother and I were very hopeful that this time, it would stick.
The doctors were also optimistic about her prognosis, or at least as hopeful as they could be considering her condition and all.
I’d never deny my sister a thing, and the last surgery ended up being what put things back on track for all of us.
“I think it will be great, too.” I didn’t want to add that I was hopeful because I knew Cillian would be back here. After all, I’d promised her that I wouldn’t see him again, but I knew it wasn’t something I could follow through with.
What was really strange was how distant he had been.
Well, not distant. Completely silent. I had almost thought that he intended to come back and pretend I didn’t exist, or worse.
Maybe he would do what I couldn’t, which was promise to stay away from me.
That possibility had affected much of my mood this summer, but this morning, I had received a message from him, and now I was all giddy inside.
“Go ahead and get those drinks,” my mother reminded me, and I flashed a smile at her before hurrying into the house.
Once inside, I didn’t see my sister in the living room, so I walked to her bedroom. As expected, she was lying on the bed with one of her favorite TV shows playing on the small television mounted on the wall in front of her.
“Are you okay, Ro?” I asked her. She looked over at me, and each time she did, it was like a gut punch.
Rowan looked identical to me, and it was like looking into a mirror.
My twin smiled at me, then nodded. “Do you need anything?” This time, she shook her head.
“Well, I’m just outside if you change your mind. ”
With that, I turned and had made it to the door when she spoke. “Actually, will you help me adjust my pillows?”
I hurried over to her, and as she leaned forward, I moved them around until she held her hand up for me to stop.
As she leaned back against them, I stared at her.
It was so hard to see myself, but not see me at the same time.
I was able to run around the house, sit outdoors, go to school, and have sex with the most incredible boy I had ever met.
Rowan had a life which revolved around this bedroom and various doctor visits and inpatient hospital stays. She had never gotten to experience any of the things I tended to take for granted, yet she was so happy. Ro was never not smiling, even when dealing with excruciating pain or extreme nausea.
“I wish you would stop looking at me like that,” she finally said.
“Like what?” I asked.
“You always look like you’re about to cry every time you look at me.”
“Can you blame me?”
“Yes, because I’m good. Better than that actually because of you.”
“I don’t fol—”
“We have a bond that can never be broken. While I can’t experience everything you have all our lives, I can still feel it through you.
I can feel everything. Your joy...Your fear.
..Your sadness...I live vicariously through you, so I want you to promise me you will live a full and adventurous life, not just for yourself, but for the two of us. ”
Tears sprang to my eyes. My sister was a warrior, and I only wished I had even an ounce of her grace. “I promise,” I said to her, especially as my thoughts turned back to Cillian.
“Yes, that’s how I want to see you...Smiling just like you are now.”
“I love you, Ro,” I said to her.
“I love you too, and you might want to get that drink before Mamma comes in and starts fussing over us both.”
I didn’t doubt that my mother would do exactly that, so after leaning forward and kissing my twin’s forehead, I exited the room.
There was not much iced tea left, so I made a mental note to get the ingredients tomorrow to make more of it, but I filled our glasses as best as I could with what was left, then rejoined my mother.
“Is everything okay?” she asked me when I set her glass down.
“Yes, I was talking to Rowan for a minute.”
“Is she—”
“She’s great. She’s fully engrossed in whatever sitcom she’s watching.”
“I’ll still check on her when I go inside.”
I didn’t say anything because Rowan knew as much as me that our mother was smothering at times, but it came from a place of love, so neither of us ever complained about her.
I returned to my seat, then put my feet back up like before.
The sun was now starting to set, and instead of staring down at my cell phone, I looked out at the bright hues that gave the illusion of disappearing into the lake.
There were reds, yellows, and oranges, and just another reminder of how beautiful these New York mountains truly were.
As I stared out at the water, I closed my eyes. While I often made use of the lake during the summer, this past one had been harder on me. It was likely the reason I was still as pasty white as my sister, who never got the chance to truly experience the sun.
Mine hadn’t been for a medical reason, but rather an emotional one.
Each time I walked to the lake, all I could remember were the various nights that Cillian would make love to me either on or under the pier.
Those memories were so ingrained in my head that each time I fell back on one of them, it was as vivid as it had been when it had happened.
I swallowed my errant sigh. Most of the summer, I had suspected that he had been mad at me.
Perhaps, he had even gotten into trouble himself.
I had no idea how I would be able to handle an entire school year with him around if he had tired of me. Or worse, if he hated or resented me.
CILLIAN:
I’m so glad summer’s over. It’s been the worst one of my life. The only thing getting me through the bullshit is knowing you’re there waiting on me. You are still mine, yes?
That message had filled me with the hope that had dwindled over the last several weeks. I’d immediately told him that I was here waiting for him. Now, the dread and fear I had been wracked with were replaced with relief and anticipation. Especially, the latter.
In three days’ time, the students would all arrive back here, and it would be a whirlwind.
Besides reuniting with Cillian and helping my mother with my sister and other school stuff, it was my own senior year of high school.
Last year, I had been close to failing two different classes, but Cillian had actually tutored me, even if unofficially, and it had allowed me to get back on track.
Now, I was hopeful that I might have more options at my disposal outside of the local community college.
I’d already scheduled an appointment with the guidance counselor for the first day of this upcoming year, and instead of being nervous, I was optimistic.
The expression about love making everything better was definitely true.
Since meeting Cillian, my own life had improved immeasurably.
A smile tipped my lips as I thought about him, and when my cell phone vibrated in my lap, it startled me so much that I jumped and it fell to the decking of the porch.
My mother was already sitting up, and as she went to grab it for me, I quickly beat her to it.
Snatching it off the composite decking before she could, I held it tight in my hand.
I suspected it was likely Cillian, and the last thing either of us could afford was for my mother to find out we were still in contact.
I had promised her that I would leave him alone, as I suspected he had done with his own family.
“Are you coming inside?” my mother asked me as she ignored my hasty action and stood up to stretch.
“No, I’m going to enjoy what little quiet is left before it’s all gone,” I responded.
“Just don’t stay out here too late. The mosquitoes are bad this time of year.”
I wanted to tell her that was true in more than just summer, but I smiled. “I’ll be in soon.”
“Good night, baby,” she said before leaning in to kiss the top of my head. “I love you.”
“And I love you,” I replied.
She disappeared inside the house, and remembering my drink, I finished what was left of my tea, then leaned back in the chair.
Another message came through, and this was definitely Cillian.
After settling my sense of paranoia by looking behind me at the house, I quickly opened his message and moaned softly at his vulgar words.