Chapter Nineteen
I’d been talking to one guy from the dating app now for almost a month now.
He lived in New Jersey, but also worked in Brooklyn like I did.
We had met once for coffee during a lunch break at the clinic, and I’d accepted his invitation for dinner that weekend.
At the time, it was the natural response, but as I stared at my reflection in the door length mirror, I was torn.
“Are you sure this doesn’t make me look too slutty?” I asked my bestie.
Monica had agreed to watch Ciara overnight at her place, which was just down the hallway from me. I suspected that she had ulterior motives, and as she appraised the knee-length dress I now had on, I could see the gears in her head as they worked.
“Not slutty enough if you ask me,” she finally responded.
“C’mon. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression,” I said to her. “We’ve done nothing more than talk online and meet for a cup of coffee.”
“And what does he do again for a living?” she asked me after she got up and walked into my closet.
I followed behind her. “He’s in IT.”
“Computer geeks can be so hot,” she replied with a muffled voice as she was face-first in my limited closet.
This loft had a huge closet, but most of it was filled with children’s clothes. I had a small corner, and I doubted Monica would find anything she would approve of in there until she jumped back. “Aha. This is it. Put this on!”
“He isn’t a geek,” I said, clarifying her first remark, then as I flipped the black dress in my hands. “And, I think I wore this at a party a year or two ago. I don’t think it screams first date vibes.”
I could see the exasperation on her face. “When is the last time you got laid, Ro?”
“It hasn’t been that long. It’s been...” my voice trailed off as I even tried to remember when the last time I had dated, much less slept with someone had been.
“It can’t have been that long, but I don’t remember exactly when.
And don’t look at me like that,” I said when I saw her expression.
“It’s not as if I am a nun or anything.”
“You’re not getting any younger, yet you spend all your time sitting at home reading books about women getting it on all the time or watching those sappy love movies and shows on television. Have some fun for yourself for a change.”
“I appreciate what you’re saying, but I don’t want to move too fast.” Fast like I had with my first love. Cillian had been everything to me from the moment we’d first met. Ultimately, that had likely been not just the beginning for us, but the beginning of the end for me entirely.
And look how that turned out. I can’t even go by my real name.
“Surely you have wants and needs, Ro.”
“Of course, I do. What woman doesn’t want someone to make love to her?”
“Or fuck her absolutely senseless,” Monica added.
Again, I sighed as only one person had ever done that to me.
“Sex is overrated. Besides, I have a daughter, and I want to find someone who is interested in me for more than just something physical. I want someone who wants to build a life with me and Ciara. Someone who wants to settle down and get married.”
“Oh my God, Ro. Those things are great, but please don’t mention them on your first date. Tonight is supposed to be a test on whether you can rock each other’s world. If you can’t, all the responsibility and ambition in the world won’t matter. No one wants to live a sexless life.”
“I’m not going out tonight just to get laid.”
“Well, remember that I’m keeping Ciara at my place, so please for the love of God...Just take advantage of this time, or even go to his place, or a hotel. Just get laid so your attitude will improve.”
“My a-attitude?” I sputtered in question. “What’s wrong with it?”
“If there was ever a textbook description for a woman who needed to get fucked, it would be you. Allow yourself to have an orgasm that you don’t have to use your own hands or toys to give yourself.”
“You’re off base,” I said to her.
“Not about that, or your dress. At least humor me enough and wear the black one.”
“Okay,” I said as I threw my hands up in surrender. The black dress fell from one, but I was able to catch it before going into the bathroom to change. When I emerged a few minutes later, I returned to the mirror and rolled my eyes at my bestie’s sign of approval. “Are you sure about this?”
“Yes, this is it,” she told me as she spent the next several minutes fussing over my hair, then pairing my dress with silver strappy heels and the belt she had been wearing.
Monica left, taking Ciara with her, and I finally had a moment to gather my thoughts.
Maybe she was right. I had been celibate for so long, and not even from my own intentional doing.
It would be nice to feel someone’s tongue on me, and their cock splitting me open.
I haven’t had a few days of discomfort sitting down after sex since. ..
I refused to even think about Cillian Brannington.
This period of my life was already supposed to have included him.
In my naivety, I’d never anticipated a life without him after we’d gotten together.
There had been no plans for anything else.
It was no wonder, judging by my lack of dates and sex, which only proved that I hadn’t fully moved on after all.
“Until now. Monica’s right. I need to make a better effort to move on. I’m just not sure that Dale is the right man for the job.”
I had at least a few years of pent up sexual frustration to release, and an hour later, as I stared at the man across from me at dinner, I knew he wasn’t the right man for the job.
As he talked about JavaScript and HTMLs, I zoned out and imagined how he’d be one of those who got so excited beforehand that he would climax before I even broke a sweat.
“...is the steak? You’ve barely touched it.”
“Umm, what?” I asked him.
His eyes narrowed. “Is everything okay? You suggested this place to me, yet you’ve barely touched your food. You seem to be lost in thought tonight.”
“I’m sorry,” I said to him. “It’s not you or this place. It’s just been a long day.”
“Would you like to talk about it?”
I smiled politely at him. The man was handsome, but not in the same way as others in my past. He was a gentleman, had a good job, and was very debonair, but he didn’t excite me. I could’ve been having dinner with a platonic friend or coworker, and it would not have felt any different.
“It would just bore you,” I responded before taking a sip of my wine.
“I’ll be the judge of that,” he said to me before taking my hand.
There were no sparks whatsoever, and I now knew this relationship would never go anywhere. Could we get used to a routine and go through the motions? Absolutely, but it would be unfair to the both of us.
“I think you’re a very nice man, and I’ve enjoyed our conversations. I’m just not sure where you see this headed.”
“I’m working my way up in the company, then afterward, we can move to the suburbs and perhaps start a family. I would love kids one day.”
“I have a daughter,” I reminded him.
“I know. I just meant kids of my own. I’m sure your daughter is great. How could she not be with a mother like you? I’m just thinking of a son and daughter of our own, and possibly even a dog or cat. We could—”
“You speak of Ciara as if she would just be there and nothing more.”
“I don’t mean it like that,” he said to me.
I saw the look in his eyes and his expression, and I smiled once more before standing up. “You do, and while I want you to find all of those things in life, I just don’t think I’m that someone for you.”
“Rowan, we can work on this. Maybe I need to spend some time with Sara, and—”
“It’s Ciara. I’ve mentioned her name numerous times. This isn’t going to work, but I do wish you the best in your search for the one. I need to go.”
“At least let me settle the check and take you home.”
“It’s okay. I’ll schedule an Uber to come and get me. Goodnight and good luck.”
With that, I left the restaurant, then decided against an Uber and disappeared into the first taxi I saw lined up along the curb.
I rattled off my address, then leaned back in the seat.
Monica would be so disappointed when I told her that the date didn’t even make it to actual dessert, much less the kind she was hoping I would have.
There were no doubts or regrets in my mind as I got out of the taxi once I reached my building.
There were other fish in the sea, as my mother used to tell me.
I just needed to wade out of the shallow end to find them.
I sighed as I slipped into the elevator.
It was a good thing I had thought ahead and plugged up one of my toys. I would need it soon.