Chapter Thirty-Three
Several hours later, I returned home. After filling in Kingston on our grandfather’s condition, I headed home.
There was nothing more I could do tonight at the Mater, so I drove in a daze back to my penthouse.
Once there, I realized how late it was. Reagan and Ciara would both likely be in bed, and that was for the best. It wasn’t as if I would be good company for anyone, anyway.
Reminding myself that they were sleeping, I was quiet as I slipped inside.
Most all of the lights were off as I had figured.
Being as quiet as I could, I walked over to the wine fridge, then removed a bottle of Irish whiskey from inside of it.
There was no need to bother with a glass, because I would finish what was left inside.
Even if I didn’t, Reagan rarely drank alcohol.
I sat down and twisted off the cap, but jumped right back up.
Antsy, I knew it was from agitation more than anything else.
I needed to rant and to rave, to scream at the Heavens, much like I used to do when a boy, but I couldn’t inside this place.
Deciding it best to head to the roof, I slipped out one door, then climbed the short set of steps that led to the rooftop deck.
Once there, I stood near the concrete ledge, then took a swig from the open bottle.
Maybe I’d become so used to drinking because I did not feel the burn I needed to, nor did I feel any sense of relief even as I took a few more in rapid succession. What once used to leave a trail of fire in its wake as it left me lightheaded, now only kept me in this same miserable state.
It would figure that the one night I need the drink to help, it won’t.
It was par for the course of my life. Only one other time had I felt this empty.
..this cold...this helpless...And that had been after I had found out about Reagan’s demise.
Only, she wasn’t dead. She’d survived, and I’d been put through Hell for nothing.
And the worst part was that I couldn’t even stay mad at her.
Who could blame her?
I certainly couldn’t. Had my entire family been brutally slaughtered, I might’ve taken the only way I had seen out, too.
And in a way, marrying her had been that for me.
It was supposed to be our escape from our lives and all the dangers to our happiness.
It only ended up being another dagger that was twisted in my chest over and over for the last seven years.
I set down the bottle, then scrubbed a hand down my face just as I heard a door open and close.
Maybe it had been the breeze that picked up on her shampoo and wafted it toward me, or it was her very presence, which was something I had conjured up repeatedly over the years. Whatever it was, she was here.
“What are you doing out here at this time of night?” she asked me.
Without turning toward her, I replied. “Go inside, Reagan. I don’t want you to get sick.”
“How is your grandfather?” she asked, and I squeezed my eyelids closed as I remembered my reason for being out here. “You didn’t call, so I—”
“It’s over and done with.”
“Over? Are you talking about visiting hours?”
I did turn in this moment, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do.
After all, how did I even begin to make up for all that my grandfather had taken from her in the past, and even more recent as this morning.
All I ever seemed to do was allow that man to hurt her. All I ever seemed to do was hurt her.
“He’s gone, and you won’t have to worry about him anymore.”
“Gone? As in dead?” she asked. At my fallen expression, a soft sob left her lips as she quickly closed the distance between us. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered when just in arm’s reach of me.
“Sorry? I thought that you of all people would be thrilled.” Her head snapped back, and her eyes narrowed, and I almost wondered how much Irish she truly had in her because her temper clearly supported it. “Or maybe relieved is a better word.”
“Why would I be happy or relieved over that?”
“Well, I don’t know. I do know that he has hurt you so many times, so—”
“Oh, Cillian. I don’t care about my own pain. I only care right now about yours. Yes, your grandfather was a wretched man, but you loved him.”
“I hated him,” I quickly retorted.
“Perhaps, but you did love him as well. I know that. If you didn’t, I know you would’ve avenged my assumed death. You didn’t because you—”
“I didn’t because I was weak.” There, I had said it.
Over the years, I had wanted to take from him what he had taken from me, but I lost myself in a bottle and relied upon painkillers and whatever other drugs I could get my hands on that would lessen the pain I’d felt.
She reached out and touched me, but I didn’t want her pity.
Or even her empathy. “I want to be left alone.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, at least not while you’re out here. Come inside.”
“Geography won’t change a damn thing, Anamchara.”
“Maybe talking about it will instead.”
I could appreciate her gesture, even if I had no idea why she was extending it to me. I was the last one who deserved an ounce of her compassion, yet here she was– the ray of sunshine in my black, cold heart.
“There’s not much to say.”
“H-how did it happen?”
I finally turned in her direction and could see the sincerity in her eyes as she questioned me. I also saw the determination, so I released a sigh before answering. “He went into cardiac arrest at the hospital, and they were unable to revive him.”
“I’m so sorry,” she said again as she moved in even closer. After wrapping her arms around me, she rested her head against my chest. “He truly did love you. I got as much from our conversation today.”
“He had one hell of a way of showing it. I suppose you’re right, though.
He hadn’t killed me over the years, when he certainly had it in him to do so.
I know I was a failure to him. I was not as strong or capable as my cousin, Kingston, or as beloved as my other cousin, Princeton.
I was just here as a source of strife for him. ”
“He just wanted to protect you from me,” she replied.
“The only one I had ever needed protection from had been him. Knowing that, I should be at least somewhat relieved that he is gone, as I no longer have to be reminded about how often I’d lived beneath his expectations.
I’d been prepared for this day for over a decade, but now that it is here, I have no idea how to feel. ”
“Anything is valid, no matter if good or bad.”
I wrapped my arms around her for a moment, then pushed away from her. “I have no idea how, or if, I’ll ever be able to get over his death. My grandfather had been a noose tightening around my throat, but I feel like I can breathe for once, and it’s not a familiar feeling.”
“How did you get over me when you thought I had died?”
Our gazes met, and I held hers with mine. “Get over you? I didn't. How could I? You were the brightest fucking star in my dark world.”
Her eyes grew damp and the string lighting glistened off the sheen. “Cill—”
“When I thought you were gone, I'd found myself plunged into some alternate universe that was pitch black. I’d tortured myself over what you had seen right before his men ended your life. I had focused on the terror you must’ve felt, and I’d wanted to die.
Each time I popped a pill and chased it down with a bottle of booze, I’d prayed for the universe to take me, so I could be where you were.
My grandfather would never let me succumb to those demons. ”
“And for that, I’m thankful, Cillian. He did love you, and I’m sure he only thought that he was protecting you.”
“Like he did this morning?” I asked her. When she grew silent, I stepped closer to her, then slid my hand under her chin so I could tip her head back. “I sat in my car before leaving the hospital, and I needed to see what had happened. He’d hurt you again, and by extension, I had as well.”
“You can’t blame yourself for anyone’s actions but your own.”
“I knew he had been sniffing around you and Ciara. Somehow, I thought I could handle him now, but I hadn’t been here when you needed—”
“You can’t dwell on that,” she said as she raised her own hand up and stroked the side of my face.
“If it hadn’t been for his heart attack, he would’ve killed you. He would’ve taken you away from me again, only this time, he wouldn’t have missed. If anything had happened to you, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”
“I’m fine,” she tried to assure me, even going as far as moving her head from my grasp and raising up on her tiptoes. Seconds later, her mouth covered mine. As she kissed at my lips, I wanted to pull her closer, but I remained stoic.
“You showed more bravery in front of him than I ever had.”
“That’s not true, Cillian. You’d told me about the dungeon.
No one has ever stood up for me in my life like that, and no one but you ever would.
Ronan Brannington was a monster, but you refused to cower to him.
You didn’t heed his demands like some puppet, and it was likely the reason he had so much animosity toward you. ”
“I d-didn’t do enough,” I stammered out as my voice cracked.
“If anything happened to you...again...especially because of me, I couldn’t have lived with myself.
It was all I had thought about on the way to the Mater.
I had wanted to confront him...To rail against him for even threatening you or Ciara.
..He just fucking died before I got the chance.
How do I deal with these unresolved things I can never get out toward him now? ”
“You do it by living your life, and finally on your own terms.”
“All I’ve ever wanted was to live my life with you, Anamchara. Is tú mo ghrá.”
“And I love you too,” she responded vehemently. “If you were watching that video, you had to have seen how happy I was before he showed up. You make me happy. And I think that I make you happy, too.”
I cupped her face between my hands as I lowered my mouth to hers and began trailing kisses across her lips and chin before pulling back. “You’d always made me happy, and giving me Ciara...This time together has been the happiest time of my life.”
“We both love you so much.”
“I just don’t know how to deal with everything inside of me.
The last thing I want to do is cause you or Ciara any undue pain.
I’m so pissed off, though. I’m mad at him for trying to buy you off, then hurting you physically.
I’m pissed off at him for slaughtering your family and taking you from my arms to begin with.
Most of all, I’m pissed off that I can never tell him how much I both loathed and loved him. ”
“It’s hard. I know that firsthand. Like you with your grandfather, I had so many unresolved issues with my mother.
Why did she love Rowan more than me? Why did she take me for granted one moment, then smother me in the next?
But most of all, I wanted to ask her if she was finally proud of me now, if ever? ”
“I didn’t know you had those feelings about her,” I said, and tried to remember back to some of our conversations back in New York. but not recalling anything.
“Death, even when expected, always leaves behind unanswered questions. It is then up to us as to whether we want to dwell on them, or move on with our lives, where we can hopefully find a piece of happiness for ourselves along the way.”
“You’re so much stronger than I can ever be.”
“Bullshit. I’ve had more time to reconcile my thoughts and emotions. Your grandfather died a few hours ago. Give yourself some grace. Once I did, I was able to find some semblance of peace, which is what I want most for you.”
“I don’t deserve you,” I said to her.
“You do, and in time you will see and accept it. For now, take the time to grieve. I certainly did. Over those years, I'd taken solace in knowing I would one day have a chance to address the pain she’d caused me, but without the bitterness that existed in this world. Your anger and pain will fade, too. You will see.”
“I wish I could be as sure as you,” I bemoaned.
“Let’s go inside,” she said, and I let out a sharp exhale.
Soon, I had followed her back into the penthouse.
Once inside, I pulled her against my chest. This time, when she looked up at me, my mouth came down hard on hers.
There was no gentleness as I began to devour her lips, drinking from them as I slowly backed her into the hallway and down it.
Only when we reached my bedroom did I pull away. “Stay with me tonight.”
“Of course,” she quickly responded.
“I need you,” I rasped to her.
“And you have me...Every part of me. You possess my heart...My body...My soul...Everything I have is yours, Cillian.”
“Anamchara,” I groaned before hauling her against me once more.
I didn’t give her a chance to respond as I swept her up into my arms, then carried her into my room.
The moment I tossed her onto my bed and looked down at her, I felt complete.
Our daughter was just down the hallway, and I had the love of my life quickly removing her nightgown.
After helping her out of it and getting out of my own clothes, I covered her body with mine.
She was now safe, at least from my grandfather.
As I slammed into her, I made a vow that I would protect her from this moment forward, evermore, and I proceeded to drive that point home with every thrust.
By the time I had brought her to multiple orgasms and had one of my own, I rolled onto my back, and she draped herself over me like she had the night before.
While so much had gone wrong today, all was right in my world.
And I intended to keep it that way. When she finally drifted off to sleep with her head on my chest, I kissed the top of it, then allowed sleep to claim me as well.