Chapter 26
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
MAVERICK
S tevie was asleep, curled on her side and burrowed under her blankets. She hadn’t moved since I’d slipped out of bed a few hours ago. Since I’d pulled on my clothes, fully intending to sneak out of her house.
But instead, I’d sat on the floor, body propped against her bedroom wall, my forearms draped over my knees, and watched her sleep.
This was going to hurt.
I wasn’t sure how much more hurt I could take at this point, but in the hours since I’d been sitting here, numbness had crept into my bones. A hollow, empty feeling, like all the love and joy and light had been sucked out of my body. It took mental reminders to breathe. To blink.
Mom wasn’t the only person who was gone. The guy I’d been before, he’d died yesterday too.
Dad had been texting me all night, wondering where I was and when I’d left the hospital. I’d replied to him hours ago that I’d be over soon. But I couldn’t seem to get up off the floor.
Last night, I’d walked all the way from the hospital to campus in my pads and uniform. My cleats. Even when I’d gotten to the fieldhouse, I hadn’t bothered to change. I’d just snagged the keys and backpack from my locker and gotten in my truck.
The only place I’d wanted to go was Stevie’s.
Somewhere along the way, her bed had become my favorite place. And Stevie Adair was the center of my universe. She always had been, whether we were lovers or friends or enemies. It had just taken me a while to realize she was the one.
Yeah, this was going to fucking hurt.
My pads and cleats and jersey were already in the back seat of my truck. I’d cleaned out my toothbrush and razor from her bathroom. All I needed was for her to wake up, then I’d be gone.
I could lean on her through this grief. She was so strong. She’d hold me up. All of the women in our family were strong—stronger than the men.
It was tempting to let Stevie be my crutch. My anchor. So damn tempting. But I knew what would happen next. Mom had pulled me aside a few weeks ago and told me not to become an asshole after she died.
I was going to become an asshole, despite her warning.
This numbness wouldn’t last. It would fade, sooner or later, and when it was gone, the grief would become this monster of rage. It would tear through every bone, every muscle, every breath. I could feel it, deep inside, dormant and waiting.
It would destroy us. I would destroy us.
This sadness, this black, endless pit, would swallow us whole. I would be awful to her simply because she was there. Because she wouldn’t leave my side. Because she’d let me be awful to her.
I loved her too much to ruin us. To risk breaking her apart under the weight of my heavy heart.
Rush would call me a fucking idiot. Mabel would tell me to pull my head out of my ass. Dad would worry. The energy he’d given Mom would be transferred to his children.
The only person who might actually understand why I was doing this was Stevie.
And Mom.
Mom would have understood.
Mom and Stevie always knew me best.
Like she could hear her name in my thoughts, Stevie’s eyes fluttered open.
She rolled to look over her shoulder, and when she found my half of the bed empty, she sat up with a jolt, searching the room. Then her gaze dropped to her hand, the hand that had held mine when I’d broken apart last night.
She stared at her empty palm almost like she was surprised I’d wiggled free.
“Hey.” My voice was dry, my throat ragged from crying.
Stevie’s attention swung to where I sat on the floor, then she pressed a hand to her chest, breathing a sigh. “There you are. I thought you’d left.”
“Not yet.”
“Where are you going?”
“See my dad.”
She whipped the covers from her legs. “Give me five to get dressed and I’ll go with you.”
“No.” I shifted to stand, my legs stiff and ass half asleep. “I’m going on my own. It’s, uh... it’s better if you stay away.”
She studied me for a long moment. “Maverick. What are you doing?”
“I can’t...” The urge to dissolve into tears came on so fast it choked me, cutting off the rest of what I needed to say. I swallowed hard, then cleared my throat. “I can’t do this. I can’t stay with you. We were always going to call this off. It’s time to be done.”
A moment of shock, of pain, crossed her expression. Then those beautiful hazel eyes narrowed and she crossed her arms over her chest. “Don’t say something you’ll regret.”
“That’s why I’m doing this,” I whispered. “I’m going to fall apart, Nadine. And you’ll try to pick up the pieces. Hell, I’ll probably let you. But I don’t trust myself, and I don’t want to hurt you.”
She opened her mouth, probably to argue, but then a sadness washed over her face that was a knife to my chest. “Okay.”
“I have to go.” Before I changed my mind. Before I fell to my knees and never left this room.
Every step through the house was difficult, like my legs and feet and knees were fighting my decision, but I trudged on anyway.
Stevie followed, her hair a wild mess, her eyes swimming in tears as she watched me pull on the shoes I’d left beside the front door.
“Mom loved you,” I said, barely breathing through the burn in my throat. “I’m sorry.”
Stevie shook her head, swiping at a tear that streaked down her cheek. “You’re apologizing to me when your mom died?”
“We both lost her.”
She nodded. “And now I’m losing you too. ”
I put my hand to her cheek, my thumb catching another tear. “Take care of yourself.”
“That’s my line.”
I leaned in and pressed a kiss to her forehead, giving myself one last inhale of her hair. Then I tore myself away and walked out the door while I still had the strength.
I was almost to my truck when she called my name.
“Maverick?”
I turned, my chest so tight I could barely breathe.
Stevie stood on the edge of her stoop, in the exact place where we’d had our first kiss, and held up her pinky. “I’ll be here. When you’re ready.”
“Don’t wait for me.”
“Don’t tell me what to do.” She went inside, slamming the door.
Fuck, it hurt. So much I almost went to the grass and puked. Probably would have if there was anything in my system. I waited until the nausea passed, then climbed in my truck and drove away.
Dad and Mabel would be at the house. They’d be waiting for me. But I couldn’t bring myself to go home, not yet. Not when Mom wouldn’t be there. So I shut off my brain and, just like I had last night, let my body steer me to where I needed to be.
Rush’s Yukon was at the fieldhouse. I pulled into the empty space beside it, then hauled my pads and gear inside. None of the guys were in the locker room, but the sound of music and clinking metal drifted in from the weight room.
The chatter, the conversation, the movement, all came to a stop when I walked through the door. Everyone stared, face after face twisted in pity, until the only sound was the music through the sound system .
“Houston.” Coach Ellis walked over, his face sheened with sweat.
Sunday workouts were optional, though I didn’t know a single guy on the team who didn’t make it a point to show up.
Since Coach Ellis had taken over as head coach last year, he’d joined us for these workouts. Coach Greely usually did too. They both made it a point to be here, with us. They were available for more than whatever was happening in football. They cared about what was happening off the field as much as on.
They were the best coaches I’d ever had in my life.
Coach Greely walked over too, a towel in hand and sweat at the band of the hat he had on backward. “Maverick, you don’t need to be here today.”
Yes, actually. I did need to be here.
Rush appeared at my side, concern etched on his face. He put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed.
They were going to send me home, weren’t they? They’d make me walk out of here and face everything I didn’t want to face.
I’d have to go see Dad. I’d have to watch him cry and worry. I’d hear Mabel sniffle and see the sadness in Bodhi’s face.
I wasn’t ready yet.
If I left here, I’d have to say goodbye. I’d have to start the first day of my life without a mother.
I wasn’t ready to leave.
Please, don’t make me leave.
Damn it, I missed Stevie already. She’d understand why I couldn’t go home yet.
“I’m good,” I said, lying through my fucking teeth .
They all stared at me until Coach Ellis jerked his chin toward the nearest weight rack. “Rush, spot Maverick today.”
The air whooshed from my lungs as Rush clapped me on the back.
“You got it, Coach.”