Chapter Eleven #2
“You’re welcome.”
“Have a good day, Winter.”
“You too. Talk soon.”
I disconnected the call just as the door opened. Dad poked his head in and saw my phone in my hand. “Everything okay, Deac?”
I smiled and gave him a nod. “Yes. It is now.”
He seemed to understand, the way he always did. “Glad to hear it, because the O’Connell’s have their dog here to see you.”
“Of course,” I said. “I’ll come out and meet them.”
So the one thing worse than actually going to the pizzeria to meet Winter and all his friends was not going.
I was confused by this.
Because the relief I’d felt when I’d decided not to go was now anguish about not being there.
They’d decided on Wednesday night, which was fine. Great, even. Good for them. But that meant I’d spent all Wednesday night in my room pacing, unable to sit still because I wanted to be there.
Except I didn’t want to be there.
And that was what confused me.
Mom knocked on my bedroom door. It opened slowly and her cautious face appeared, peeking in. “Deacon, honey,” she said. “I can hear you pacing. Do you want to talk?”
No.
I didn’t.
She came in and ushered me to sit on my bed. “Why are you upset? You said you didn’t want to go to the pizzeria—”
“I don’t,” I said. “I didn’t want to go.
I didn’t want to meet all his friends and I didn’t want to be like this in front of him and them.
I can be like this here, but not there. I don’t want them to see me like this, but now I wish I was there.
I’m missing out on seeing him because . .
. because I . . . why do I want to be there now when the very idea two days ago made me feel sick? ”
So apparently I did want to talk about it.
She gave me a patient smile. “You want to see him, but not with everyone else there. That’s understandable.”
I made a face. “Is it though? Is him being there having a good time with his friends without me understandable? Because I’m missing out and he’s there with them and not me, because I wasn’t comfortable going, so now I wish I was there while at the same time I still don’t know if I could . . .” I sighed. “It doesn’t make sense.”
“It’s confusing,” she offered gently. “But he can meet his friends, Deacon.”
“I know.” Ugh, that unease in my belly was back.
“He can have both. You and his friends. That doesn’t mean he’s prioritizing them over you. The two can exist together.”
I knew that. I did. But still . . .
“I don’t want him to have to choose.”
“I know. And he knows that too. You said he was very understanding.”
I nodded, squeezing my fingertips. For some reason, it made me feel better. “I wish I was there,” I mumbled. “I wish I was brave enough to go with him.”
Mom frowned. “It’s not about bravery, darling.”
“If I was braver—”
“No. It’s not bravery,” she said, firmer this time. “It’s about knowing your boundaries and what you’re comfortable with, and I’m certain Winter understands that.”
“I want to try, Mom,” I said, feeling the urge to cry.
I hated crying. I hated how out of control it made me feel.
“I want to. I want to try. I want to be braver. I want to go out with him, meet his friends, have dinner. I want to be able to do those things. I don’t want to be like this.
” I blinked back tears and my nose burned.
“I want to hold his hand. I can’t even hold his hand. ”
Mom put her hand on my sleeve, just a soft pat. “Then you’re going to have to do things that you might not be comfortable with at first. Small steps. A few little things at first.”
“Such as?”
“You’re seeing him tomorrow evening, yes?”
I nodded. “Yes. I’m helping him at the store for late-night shopping.”
“Why don’t you suggest going to the diner afterwards? Or take a walk up Main Street. I’m sure the Christmas lights will make it pretty and a little bit romantic. And work up to holding his hand, get used to it slowly.”
“He touched my arm the other night. He asked if he could, just like this—” I showed her on my own arm how Winter had done it. “—and I said yes, and it was okay. Better than okay. I felt it long after he’d gone.”
“That’s great,” Mom said. “A small step already.”
“It’s what he does. He touches people’s arms when he talks to them. He doesn’t mean anything by it. It’s just who he is, and I want him to be himself, not censor himself around me. And I liked it. When he did it. I liked how it felt.”
She smiled at me. “You know what I think?”
I shook my head, because how could I possibly know? “No.”
“I think you’re taking all these small steps without even realizing it.
And I think you don’t realize how far you’ve already come, Deacon.
” Her smile was warm and even a little proud.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself for not being at the finish line yet.
You’ll get there, sweetheart. I know you will.
When you set your mind on something, you make it happen.
So there might be a few stumbles on the way.
That’s no big deal. We all stumble at different times, and no one is perfect.
Just remember, all journeys of a thousand miles start with a single step. ”
“Lao Tzu.”
“He was a wise man.”
I nodded and with a deep breath in and a slow exhale, I realized how much better I felt. “Thank you. I get caught up in my head.”
“I know you do, darling. And you’re going to wear out the floorboards if you keep pacing.” She winked and gave me a smile. “Talk to Winter. He’ll understand, I’m sure of it.”
I’m sure he would too.
“Tomorrow,” I said quietly.
“And you can always talk to me or your dad,” she offered. “Don’t keep things bottled up, Deacon. It doesn’t do anyone any good.”
“I know. I just . . .” I sighed. “I just wish I . . . I know rationally how I should proceed and what I should do, but anything to do with him and my mind doesn’t work properly. When you say take small steps it makes perfect sense. I don’t know why I can’t realize that on my own.”
She sighed and patted my arm again. “Let me tell you something. Your dad was exactly the same when he was your age.”
That stopped me. “He was?”
“Absolutely. When we were first dating, he’d get all these grand ideas and want to do every single thing all at once, and I’d have to remind him to stop and focus.
Otherwise I’m sure he’d never have finished veterinarian school if I didn’t help him stay on track.
He used to say I’d point out what may have been obvious to everyone else, but it wasn’t to him. ”
“He did?”
“Sure.”
“Like what?”
“Oh, his study schedule, work, his family and friends, and our dates, mostly. Or he’d get overwhelmed with his intern roster and assignments, and be in a complete flux, and I’d help him break it all down into smaller, more manageable parts that gave him balance.
And he used to say when he saw it written out like that, he could see it made so much more sense, but on his own, he found it all overwhelming and he couldn’t even start it. ”
This surprised me. “Dad was like that?”
Mom nodded. “Yes. He’s a lot better at breaking it down on his own now.
With his clinic, he has routine and structure and there’s a process to everything.
It wasn’t always like that though. When he first started out, he would work at a few different clinics, and it was a lot to keep track of.
But then when we came here, it was a lot more streamlined, and it suits him so much better.
He used to stress out a lot. Make himself sick, almost. But then we had you, and he soon learned to adapt to change.
Better than he ever gave himself credit for.
” She smiled at me then. “You’re a lot alike, you two. ”
Dad was . . . like me?
Logically, given DNA and hereditary traits, that made sense. Of course we were alike.
But he was like me?
“He used to make himself sick?”
“Oh, yes. He’d have a tummy ache, for sure.”
“But he . . . he’s always . . .” I shook my head. “He never stresses out. He’s calm and in control. He knows what to do. He says the right thing. He—”
Mom’s gaze met mine and she gave my hand a squeeze. “And so do you, sweetheart. You know what to do, and you say the right thing as well. You are in control, too. You make the right decisions, always.”
I shook my head. “It doesn’t feel like it. I get lost in my head and I can’t see what I’m supposed to do.”
“I’m gonna let you in on a little secret about being an adult,” she said.
“None of us know what we’re doing all the time.
There are no instructions on how to be a grown-up.
Being an adult is hard, making decisions is hard, and no one really knows what they’re doing.
Best we can do is follow our moral compass and be kind to others.
Be true to ourselves and try to find happiness wherever we can. That’s all.”
I thought about that for a second. It seemed na?ve at first, but the more I considered it, the more I realized she was right.
She usually was.
“It’s a good way to look at it,” I said. “I do wish there were instructions though.”
Mom chuckled. “Oh boy, don’t we all.” Then she sighed.
“You know what to do, Deacon. You have to follow your heart. It might seem scary at first. That first leap will always be the scariest. But you’ll be fine, no matter what happens.
Even if we get our hearts broken, we’re still better off for trying, yes? ”
I nodded slowly. I didn’t want to get my heart broken. I didn’t want Winter to not love me.
Mom had given me a lot to think about, but I felt so much better already. And I knew what I had to do.
I got to the bookstore at 4:58 p.m., and my tummy was a different kind of jittery. I had spoken to Winter on the phone and via text, but I hadn’t seen him since Sunday. I was excited and nervous, but mostly excited.
And nervous.
But determined.