30. Sean
THIRTY
SEAN
The next morning, I helped Mikey pack his suitcase and hauled it down the steps for him. We ate breakfast, then we hung out in the living room next to the lit-up Christmas tree and waited.
Melody arrived an hour later. A BMW SUV boasting a roof rack laden with ski gear pulled up outside the house and she got out of the passenger seat, while her boyfriend got out from behind the wheel. She hurried toward the front door while I braced myself and got to my feet.
Mikey lifted his gaze from the robotics set Zach and Hazel had gifted him—which had consumed his attention since he’d opened it—to look out the window. A moment later, the doorbell rang.
Mikey glanced at me, and I forced a smile onto my lips. “Your mom’s here.”
For three years running, the Christmas handoff had been one of overwhelming relief. Around this time, I would’ve spent weeks gritting my teeth against the assault of holiday music and well wishes, averting my eyes at the sight of every Christmas tree, and counting down the days until I could hole myself up in my house and wait for the world to come to its senses so I could emerge again.
This time was different.
When I opened the door and invited my ex-wife inside, I glanced down at Mikey’s suitcase and felt a pang of regret. The time I’d spent in Heart’s Cove had been marked with happy, calm memories of this year’s holiday season. With Lizzie’s smile, and her kids’ exuberance, and the rest of the family’s warmth.
For the first time, I wanted to share more of those moments with my son.
But we had a custody agreement, and there was nothing I could do about it now. “Hi, Melody.”
She smiled at me, looking glossy and slim and expensive. She wore a tan woolen jacket and a plaid scarf, her long hair curled in soft waves beneath the fabric of her hat. She’d always been a beautiful woman, and as time passed, that hadn’t changed. Her brows lifted. “You have a tree.”
I glanced into the living room and nodded. “We have a tree.”
“That’s a surprise. Getting you to even buy Christmas presents used to be like pulling teeth.”
“Dad likes Christmas now,” Mikey announced, moving to wrap his arms around his mother’s waist.
She combed her manicured fingers through his hair and smiled. “Is that right? What I would’ve given for him to put one tenth of that effort in a few years ago…”
I flinched. It was an old insult, one she’d flung at me many times as our marriage broke down. She’d been driven to cheat because living with me was too difficult. Every year when the holidays came around, I turned into a different person. Could I blame her for seeking comfort elsewhere?
I’d never been able to answer that question in a way that felt right. Because, yeah. She was right. She’d deserved better than someone who sank into his own darkest thoughts the moment sleigh bells started ringing at the start of the holiday season.
Mikey nodded. “Dad said maybe next year I could spend the holidays with him.”
Melody’s brows shot up.
I cringed. “I said we’d talk about it.”
Mikey threw me a glance like he knew exactly what he was doing, and I rubbed the back of my neck as I met Melody’s gaze. “I know that’s not what we agreed. We don’t have to talk about it now.”
“No, I’m just surprised, that’s all.” She cleared her throat. “We can talk about it later. Come up with something that works for both of us.”
“For now, you need to get your jacket on,” I said to Mikey. “I’ll bring his bag out to the car.”
“Thanks, Sean.” Melody smiled at me and let me pass.
I walked down the pathway and watched the BMW’s trunk open. Melody’s boyfriend opened the trunk while I hauled my son’s bag into the back. I cleared my throat and forced myself to meet his gaze as I nodded at him. “Todd.”
He pressed a button on the trunk, which began to lower automatically, then turned to me and extended his hand. “Got any plans for the next week?”
“Just catching up with family and friends,” I said as we shook. “You must be looking forward to getting to Tahoe.”
“Snow’s supposed to be great this year.”
It was a perfectly pleasant conversation between two people who shared a slightly uncomfortable relationship. I had nothing against him, and usually at the Christmas handoff, I’d be glad to see him and Melody arrive. This year, I resented his presence more than I wanted to admit.
I nodded and glanced over my shoulder to see Mikey emerging from the house. I turned to Melody’s boyfriend and gave him another tight nod, then said my goodbyes and watched them all load up into the car and drive away. Mikey waved at me through the window, and I waved back with a big fake smile on my face. When I closed the door and stood in the silence of the house, the regret I’d felt earlier only got stronger.
Had I been a bad father to Mikey all these years?
And if things didn’t work out with Lizzie…was I just setting him up for an even bigger disappointment? What if Melody was right to be surprised? She knew me well, after all. What if her doubts about me were well-founded? Maybe this was a temporary reprieve, and I’d be back to hating the holidays next year.
Sighing, I shook my head. There was nothing I could do about it now. If I wanted to spend the holidays with Mikey in the future, that was something Melody and I would have to negotiate. Still, the house was too quiet and my thoughts were too loud.
And then my phone buzzed. I pulled it out of my pocket and immediately felt my shoulders soften.
Lizzie: Just dropped the kids off at their dad’s and feeling like drowning myself in a vat of mulled wine. Any chance you want to join?
Ten minutes later, Lizzie opened the door with red-rimmed eyes and a self-deprecating smile on her lips. “I don’t know why I still get emotional about this. It’s been years.”
I kicked the door closed behind me and wrapped my arms around her, inhaling the scent of warm spices and sugar that seemed to cling to her. Then I kissed her, and everything felt a little better.
“I didn’t want to let Mikey go with his mother,” I admitted. “I wanted to keep him for myself.”
Lizzie pulled away and stroked the edges of my stubble, where the prickly hair met my cheekbones. Her soft smile eased some of the sharpness around my heart. “I know exactly how you feel. Every time I have to do a handoff for a special event, it feels like part of my heart goes with them.”
“They’ll be back soon.”
She nodded, swallowing thickly. “Yeah. And they deserve time with their other parent.”
“Yes.”
“But it sucks.”
“A lot,” I agreed. Water gathered on the lower rim of her eyes, and I kissed away the first tear that spilled. Then my lips moved to her mouth, and I lost myself in the feel and taste of her. She softened against me, her arms pulling me closer in a desperate movement, and I couldn’t help but kiss her harder.
“Silver lining,” I said between kisses, “is that now I get to do this with you.”
Her lips curled against mine. “Make me feel good, Sean,” she whispered.
“Always,” I promised. My limbs trembled as I framed her face with my hands, and without quite knowing how, we teleported to the bedroom and lost all our clothes along the way. Then we made each other feel better a few times over.