Chapter 14
SAM
My fingers thrummed a pattern against my thigh as I waited in his office, feeling awful for needing to see him on Christmas Eve. The door opened with a creak, and my chest throbbed as Dr. Thomas made his way over to the desk.
Tap
Tap
Tap
The walls of the room were a thick shade of white, while the furniture that adorned it was a sickly mix of gray and black.
I wish Dr. Thomas would lighten up the room; there wasn’t even a decoration in sight.
Black reminded me of death, the darkness that I had to sit in now that I wasn’t numbing it.
Tap
Tap
It was all too much, and sometimes being here caused more stress than it was worth.
Tap.
It felt like I was underwater, and I wanted relief.
Tap
Tap
“Sam,” he called out.
My eyes darted to his, swallowing thickly as my fingers stilled.
“Hmm?”
“What’s going on?”
“I know. I’m sorry. Fuck,” I breathed in deep, trying to remember what I’d been taught over the last however many years. “I am pretty sure I made things right. Maybe like ninety percent sure.”
“That’s great, and how did the weekend go?”
“It went amazingly. We talked…We…” I trailed off.
“I see. Did you have any urges?”
I snorted. “I’m still sober, if that’s what you're asking. Not one drink hit my lips…not one pill entered my system. Although on more than one occasion I found myself needing aspirin, I worked through the pain just fine.”
“So, what’s going on?”
“Lucy isn’t going to accept how fucked I am. I’ve barely scratched the surface. I don’t know how to tell her everything without her thinking I’m a monster."
“What makes her so special? You have never mentioned her,” he inquired, rubbing his long white beard as he leaned forward.
The air in the room strangled me as I thought about Lucy,
A warmth spread through me as I answered. “The only time I had a nightmare was when I slept alone. She probed me with questions a few times, and I froze up. I submitted to her and let her guide me through her first real orgasm in years. When I am with her, I just want to… sleep.”
“That’s not necessarily a bad thing, you know? She makes you feel safe. What happened that caused you to disassociate?”
I rubbed my temples, trying to remember, but it wasn’t only this weekend. I hadn’t been doing very well at predicting when it would happen or trying to figure out my triggers. Maybe it was time to start and accept that I needed more help than these once-a-week sessions.
“I can’t really pinpoint it, Doc. Sometimes it’s a car horn blaring a little too loud, or someone taking too long to cash out groceries.
Even something as simple as popcorn burning.
I am not chasing the high anymore, but I don’t know what to do.
I am already preparing for the worst-case scenario with Lucy.
Now that the weekend is over, what’s stopping her from wanting to move forward? ”
“Listen, Samuel. If you want something real with this woman, then you owe her an honest conversation. It doesn’t have to be everything all at once.
I understand that you feel safe, but she is not your crutch.
She can help ground you when you need it, but you cannot, by any means, take everything she has…
You will destroy everything beautiful about her. ”
Tears spilled over, and I quickly wiped them away with the back of my hand like they never existed.
He was right. My obsession with Lu had become its own addiction, worse than the others, and I was too blind to see it until now. I think the first step was to tell her something deeper than what I’d mentioned at the lodge.
“I don’t want to hurt her. I want everything, the home, the happiness. Kids that look like her, have her attitude, and come to me when they mess up and need someone to bail them out.”
“We can go over some medica—”
“No,” I interrupted. “You are not hearing me. No meds, I won’t go through that again, and I sure as hell won’t put her through that.”
I leaned back in the chair and crossed my arms, a lone tear burning a trail down my face. Dr. Thomas really sucked sometimes, and somehow every appointment ended with him wanting to shove pills down my throat. I couldn’t get better this way.
“If you change your mind, we can help you.”
“Thanks, Doc. I have to go, and I appreciate you taking time away from family to meet for a bit.”
I rose, extending my hand out, and he took it in a warm, but firm shake.
“Merry Christmas, Sam. I’ll see you in a couple of weeks.”
I won’t be back.
It was time to look for someone else. A therapist who didn’t act present, but was there the whole time and gave me proper advice to get through this. I’d mentioned Lucy more times than I could count. He just refused to listen. I was nothing more than another person to be billed.
I smiled, throwing my jacket over my shoulders, and headed out the door.
The chilled afternoon air caressed me as I exited the office.
My car was only a short distance away, and I was in it in under a minute.
The insistent ding of my phone lit up the Bluetooth once I got into the car and turned it back on.
There were a few missed calls from Lucy, and I tried to call back, but it went straight to voicemail.
Shit.
“Are you okay?”
Lucy
I should have said yes.
What’s wrong?
Lucy
He won’t let me leave.
I’m scared.
Where are you?
Lucy:
Hiding in the walk-in
He’s trying to get in. I never told anyone…
My chest tightened.
Everyone knew, Lucy.
After a few shaky breaths, I replied, my hand flexing, itching to get to her before he did something stupid. Then, I’d have to do something I’d regret.
Not really. In theory.
On my way
Hang tight and call 911.
The car was slow to accelerate, and I needed to get there now. I was only one man, but I’d get on my knees and crawl over hot coals if it meant protecting her. I wouldn’t fail anyone I cared about ever again.