Chapter Seven Kelsey, Again #2
“Of course! Nothing fun in there, just the usual Ambien and Xanax and Soma and my Fiorinal and birth control which I forget to take and all the prescription diet pills that don’t work, I mean, they give you cramps or make you nauseous or give you the shits really bad, but I never lose the weight.
” Kelsey sighed. “It’s so hard after you’ve had kids, it really changes your metabolism.
Before kids, I never had to diet. I guess it’s because you turn into something like a dairy. ”
The words sprang from Jane’s lips. “One of the many reasons I am terrified of having children.”
Wait, was she confiding in Kelsey again? Could this mean her heart-opening yoga asanas had worked? Jane was realizing that one of the things she liked about Kelsey was how open she was. Her chronic oversharing, while alien, had become oddly endearing.
“Having kids is scary,” Kelsey said with a dramatic exhale. “I am not going to lie, like scary in so many ways, but also so worth it. I say do it if you can. Does your boyfriend want kids?”
“It’s not a topic of conversation at the moment. We’re taking a little break.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.” Kelsey made a pouty face.
“No, it’s good, very mutual and friendly,” Jane replied brightly, maybe too brightly. “We have a lot to figure out before we think about kids.”
“Hmm.” Kelsey didn’t appear to be convinced.
Realizing that not only was she opening her heart, but risked putting it on obscene display, Jane reverted to all-business mode and scanned the overstuffed medicine cabinets.
“I’ll need you once I’m done sorting all the meds in here. People have different rules about how strict to be about expiration dates—”
Kelsey made a dismissive motion. “I don’t worry about those.
I have Dexedrine from the aughts and you’ll probably find some Fen-Phen from the nineties!
That’s my mother’s drug of choice. I think she still gets it on the black market.
Fortunately, she doesn’t have to worry about it damaging her heart because she doesn’t have one. ”
“Ha. Something must pump her blood.”
“No, she’s bloodless and heartless. Basically a zombie. And just so you know, today I’m the one paying your fee, not my mother. I booked a couple of guest-starring roles—as a mom! Which sort of bugs me, but then I remember I actually am a mom.” Kelsey giggled. “So there you go.”
“Good for you. The business can be soul-crushing.”
“Did you work in showbiz?”
As flighty as she seemed, Kelsey never missed a beat.
“I did briefly, but it wasn’t for me.”
Kelsey nodded in assent. “Yeah, it’s all one big shark tank. I even hate my agent, she is such a twat!”
“That word is so ugly.”
“I know, but she even cops to it. She’s all ‘I know I am a total twat, but that’s what you have to become to deal with all these cocksuckers.’ ”
“How glad I am to not be dealing with all of that anymore.”
“Instead you are dealing with me!” Kelsey proclaimed with glee.
“But I like dealing with you, Kelsey. I mean, especially compared to all those cocksuckers.”
Kelsey giggled with delight. This was all weirdly liberating. But still, there was a job to do.
“I’ll get started now and then make a run to The Container Store—they have all kinds of products that are really good for organizing cosmetics and jewelry.”
“The more we can get done before the kids get here the better. They won’t be home until four today; sports and playdates, all that.”
“A ticking clock is good, it’s motivating.”
Kelsey sighed. “I probably have two hundred lipsticks.”
“You’re about to own far fewer. We’ll toss the ones you never use.”
“Sounds like a plan!” As Kelsey walked off, she added, “God I love you, Jane, I need you to move in with me and organize my whole life!”
“Oh, please, if I did, you would so regret it.”
Jane scanned the open drawers. Heaps of cosmetics piled atop other heaps of cosmetics.
Memories of makeup. When she was fourteen and about to begin her freshman year of high school, Jane and her mother had gone to Macy’s for back-to-school clothes, an inherently fraught outing.
As they passed through the cosmetics section, a saleswoman (her name tag said brENDA ) approached and asked if they wanted makeovers. Jane—who at that time desperately wanted a makeover of practically everything in her life—jumped at the chance before her mother could weigh in.
Brenda painted Jane’s face with amazing speed while conducting a running commentary: “You have deep-set eyes, so you really need to bring them out. It’s very easy to improve your lip line, and some highlights will really help with the shape of your nose.”
When she was done, Brenda pronounced Jane “absolutely gorgeous!”
Jane looked into the mirror and almost gasped. Brenda had a very heavy hand. The effect was overly dramatic. It was like wearing a mask. Like hiding. She looked over to her mother.
“You look lovely, Jane,” she commented quietly.
Ten minutes later, as they headed toward the car, her mother hissed, “You look like a cheap hooker.”
Jane would never again seek out a makeover, so today, when Kelsey offered to give her one, she surprised herself by allowing it.
“Okay, but I like to keep it simple,” she told Kelsey.
“Of course you do,” Kelsey said as she began scanning her bottles and tubes. “Let me play a bit. I’ve worked with so many makeup artists and picked up a lot of knowledge along the way.”
She went to work, chattering all the while: “Oooh you have the prettiest eyes.... I am so jealous of your cheekbones.... Your lips are like that without filler, really? Lucky you.... You even have a perfect hairline!”
Finally, Kelsey declared, “Okay done—oh my god, you look soooo good! I’m exhausted. I need a Nespresso, you want one?”
“I’m fine.”
“Okay, brB!”
Jane eyed the image reflected in the bathroom mirror. She almost didn’t recognize herself and wondered if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
Kelsey sauntered back in right when it was about time for Jane to go.
“Hey... sorry... kids came home and they needed some mommy time. In truth, I have sort of been feeling foggy. Did I tell you about San Pedro?”
“Excuse me?”
“I did this San Pedro ritual, it’s, like, a thing in Peru, totally a natural plant—I think a cactus or something—that opens your heart.
It’s better than therapy. I mean, it is therapy.
Anyway, I did it over the weekend. There’s a shaman and she brings it here, and I was up a lot last night.
It messes with your sleep and I’m sort of tired, but wow—it was amazing. ”
Kelsey needing a drug to open herself up struck Jane as improbable.
“You should try it, Jane! You seem burdened by heartache, but you can work this stuff out. Everyone is all into ayahuasca but that’s more like a Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride kind of deal, whereas San Pedro is really gentle.
They say ayahuasca opens your mind, but San Pedro opens your heart.
.. and I needed that because my ex-husband basically turned me into a stone-cold bitch; he was such an asshole.
I would go do it again, but I have kid obligations all weekend. ”
Jane demurred. “I’m not so into drugs. I don’t even really like to smoke weed.”
“Well, you should google this. It’s a plant, not a drug,” Kelsey said authoritatively. “I’m going to text you the info.”
As Jane debated whether to explain that being a plant and a drug were not mutually exclusive, Kelsey looked around the bathroom, opening some drawers.
“Jane, you are amazing! I only wish I could hire you to be my assistant....”
Jane imagined what this would be like: a porous arrangement where she would be expected not only to deal with the mechanics of daily life that overwhelmed Kelsey, but also to be her friend, to support and encourage her.
It would, in short, be a living hell. But nonetheless, Kelsey’s admiration was flattering.
“That would be fun, but I like what I do.”
“Yeah. I can’t afford you anyway, but a girl can dream!”
Driving home, Jane stole glances of herself in the rear-view mirror. She thought about sending a picture to Anna to get her opinion, but that would seem pathetically needy. Maybe the best litmus was Teddy.
She texted him.
Jane : hi teddy.
Fifteen minutes later, he responded.
Teddy : hey J sup?
She hated this type of communication. There was no nuance to it, and it was too easy to attribute all kinds of imagined subtext. She decided to call instead.
Teddy picked up on the third ring, answering with a nonchalance that made Jane wonder if it was put on for her benefit: “Sup, Jay?”
The argot of bro-dom had become the lingua franca of straight millennial men. It was really annoying, especially since all of the public censure was directed at the vocal fry characteristic of millennial women.
“Hi, Teddy. How was your day?”
“Usual. You?”
“Mine was kind of crazy, you know, the people I work for are always something.... I was wondering if you wanted to meet for dinner? It seems like we haven’t hung out for a while.”
A long silence. Then:
“Why, Jane, why do you want to hang out with me?”
Huh? She didn’t see that coming. “Because I miss you, Teddy.”
After a long, pregnant pause, Teddy asked, “Why?”
“Oh, come on Teddy, I don’t know—”
“Yeah, you don’t know! That’s the problem! When I’m around, it’s like you can barely tolerate me. And now you want to spend time with me?”
“Yes, I do. I don’t mean to give you that impression—”
“But you do, Jane, you do! I mean, no one is good enough for you.”
Jane gripped the steering wheel. This was not going well.
“Okay, so you’re attacking me now. Why are you so angry?”
“You asked me to move out, Jane. I mean, that was a lot.”
“It was mutual! You said you wanted to move out. It’s just a break. And I do want to see you,” Jane replied, trying to sound conciliatory, even... vulnerable.
“Mutual? Only because I didn’t feel like I had a choice.”
“But I thought it was mutual.” The road ahead of her lit up with bright red brake lights. She came to an abrupt stop, inches from the vehicle ahead of her.
“Yeah, okay. Anyway, I’m busy tonight.” Ouch.
“All right. I’ve got to focus on the road. I just almost caused a fender bender.”
“Don’t do that,” Teddy admonished, a reassuring glimmer of sweet protectiveness.
“I won’t if I can help it. Talk later, okay?”
“Yep, have a good one, Jay.”
Going forward, she would avoid making potentially emotional calls from the car while on the freeway.
Jane sat cross-legged on the floor of the ADU, a comforting, orderly space in a disorderly world, the one place where she controlled everything.
Her chosen items were all nestled precisely where they belonged.
It was the safest of safe spaces. In front of her, laid out like talismans, were the cosmetics Kelsey had insisted on giving her, as well as a few pieces of costume jewelry she had claimed because she knew Kelsey would never wear them.
She felt lonely, but also calm.
She gathered the several items she’d selected for the occasion and went into the house.
She wouldn’t be pathetic. She stepped into her favorite Isabel Marant black dress, its neckline just low enough to be seductive but not slutty.
She put on one of the necklaces she’d rescued, coral beads that complemented her new Kelsey-assigned lipstick shade.
She wore her evening face, a look that rendered her an avatar of herself.
She was ready.
It was magic hour, with ample flattering outdoor light ideal for taking selfies. If she was going to be single, she needed to be prepared.
Jane held up her phone and, gazing at the image of the stranger who looked back at her, tried to find the perfect angle.