Chapter 7
I woke up at 4:30 am out of habit. I sat up in bed thinking I needed to get up and make breakfast. That was the one thing that I did every day that was never put on the daily LIST. I fixed breakfast while he made THE LIST. I got to where I had perfected his breakfast during the time he made THE LIST which meant the beatings that I suffered were never over his breakfast.
He wanted the same thing every day at the same time. I did have an alarm set for 4:45 every morning, but I never allowed it to go off, always waking up before it went off. The first beating of the day would occur if he heard my alarm because that meant I was lazy. I have been ‘lucky’ in the fact that this beating had not occurred in four years. I realized that I did not have to make breakfast for him today, so I tried to lie down and go back to sleep.
After about 45 minutes, I decided sleep was not going to happen right now. I figured I would go out to find some breakfast for myself. In the kitchen, I found some cereal in the pantry that sounded really good. I was never allowed to eat cereal, I was always made to eat Allen’s favorite breakfast, eggs, sausage, toast, orange juice, and coffee every morning. I poured some cereal in a bowl and added the milk, eating this while I brewed a pot of coffee.
I thought about Allen’s favorite breakfast. I realized I did not really like sausage. Over-easy eggs actually made me want to throw up. I preferred bacon over sausage. If I had to eat eggs, I would want them scrambled with no sign of runny eggs at all.
Thinking about this further, I would almost rather have toast or cereal than eggs of any type. I felt like coming to this realization was another step to realizing I was a person with likes and dislikes with the ability to decide for myself what I wanted rather than going with what someone else liked. I also realized I have a long way to go, to learn what I liked, what I am capable of doing for myself and now, this baby. I have a wide range of emotions going through me this morning. I am terrified that he will find me, killing the baby and me.
I am thrilled that I am going to be a mom to a baby girl—even though that hasn’t been determined yet. I am also afraid to trust that what anyone tells me is the truth. I love this baby already and was surprised by exactly how much I love her. I haven’t loved or been loved for years, if ever.
The coffee finished brewing, I washed up my cereal bowl and spoon, poured myself a cup of coffee, taking it to the couch with me. Audra stated that bed rest was a term that didn’t necessarily mean I had to be in bed, I could lay on the couch and rest. I lay down on the couch with the coffee on the table within reach, grabbing the TV remote. I turned on the TV, going to the local news channel to see what was in the headlines. When the channel came into focus, I saw my face staring back at me. “In the local news today, a decorated detective’s wife has gone missing, and the search has begun for clues as to what happened to her.”
I got up and ran into the bedroom. I grabbed the cell phone, sending a text to both Eva and Lauren begging them to please come downstairs. I went back out to the living room, taking the phone with me. The news lady continued, “The officer came home from his normal daily shift to find that his wife was not home. He immediately called his supervisor stating that this was completely out of the normal for his wife, indicating that something must have happened to her.”
The news report went to a video of him stating, “She had a couple of errands that she was going to run today, but she should have been home before I got home from work. I am very worried about her because she always lets me know what her plans are for the day. We keep in touch throughout the day as we are able. Please, if you know anything about Megan’s disappearance, call us and let us know. I just want my wife to come home safely. Megan, if you can hear this, I love you. Stay strong, we will find you and bring you home.”
I heard a knock on the door, which startled me at first. I hurried up the stairs and unlocked the door, letting Eva or Lauren in.
“Are you OK?” Lauren asked.
“I’m on the news,” I stated. We hurried down the stairs to watch more news. The picture returned to me; we exchanged glances, all of us sitting down to watch. When the news went on to another story, I muted the TV, saying, “I need to leave today. You heard him; he will find me.” I was almost in a state of pure panic .
Eva grabbed my hand. “Mattie, listen.” She was calm, which helped me to calm down a little. “We knew this would happen. If we try to move you right away, we run the risk of being found out, putting all of us in danger. We are confident that we have covered our trail so that they will not find you here. They haven’t even found your car yet. You need to try to trust us. I know that’s difficult for you, but you have no choice right now. We are all you have.”
Eva’s words did what they were intended to do. I felt calmer and able to breathe again.
“They will find the car soon since he was the one who sent you to the store. They probably have already been there, looking for video or witnesses to what might have happened,” Lauren said. “Eva and I did not touch your car at all, so our prints won’t be on it. Hopefully, when they do find it, they will get the impression you were kidnapped, mugged, or something. You are still safe here.” I didn’t say what everyone was thinking, ‘for now’, but felt better overall. “We will keep up with the news and our actions will be based on what is reported on a daily basis.”
I felt better and was even able to apologize for waking them up. “Don’t worry about waking us up,” Eva said. “We all need to keep up with the news. Just know that we are working on a solution for you already.”
We sat, watching the news a bit longer, but it repeated the things from earlier, so it was decided that we should all try and get a bit more sleep. I needed sleep to heal, Lauren needed sleep to go to work, Eva needed sleep to do her schoolwork. I felt awful that my situation was depriving them of the sleep they needed to continue their normal routine, they both reassured me that they had made the decision to help me and that I had nothing to feel guilty or awful about.
Lauren and Eva gave me gentle, brief hugs before heading back up the stairs to try and get more rest. I followed them up the stairs, locking the door behind them again. I decided to try to go back to bed too. I shut the TV off and then the lights and headed back to bed. This was so out of the norm for me, I never slept past 4:30 am prior.
I was tired, so I curled back up into bed and turned the TV on in the bedroom to a channel that was playing a movie. I don’t know why but leaving the TV on seemed to help me sleep. Within minutes, I was asleep although it was restless this time. The dreams came, I couldn’t escape them, but I also did not remember them when I finally woke up again.
** *
When I opened my eyes again, I rolled over, glancing at the alarm clock on the bedside table. I was stunned to see that it was 9:00 in the morning. I was never able to sleep this late with Allen, so it was really a surprise that I had slept so long. The TV was still on, I grabbed the remote, searching through the channels to find something that caught my attention. I ended up on the channel I found the day before that showed crafts.
I stopped there, putting the remote aside. This particular show was teaching how to crochet an Afghan. I thought this was great. The ability to handmake a beautiful blanket that would keep a loved one warm greatly appealed to me. Maybe I can make my baby girl a blanket to wrap her up in after she is born. I thought I would ask Audra or Lauren to teach me how to crochet.
I watched the show for a little while, then decided I wanted a shower. I picked out some clean clothes, hoping I made some good choices that would look good together and then went into the bathroom. I found new shampoo and conditioner, along with body wash, then enjoyed a nice warm shower. This was the first time in a long time that I did not have to worry about how long I took in the shower, no alarm was going to go off telling me my shower time was over.
The only thing that motivated me today to not be in there too long was the fact I did not want to use up all the hot water for the others in the house. It felt really good to be cleaned up and wearing fresh clothes. I don’t think I could handle staying in pajamas for bed rest all the time.
Since I had breakfast super early, I thought I would go see if there was something I could have for a snack. Yet another thing that I was not allowed to do with Allen, snack or just eat without permission. I wondered, as I picked out a banana from the other fruit in the pantry, how long would I be this way, thinking that I could never do this or do that before. Would I ever get to the point where I didn’t care anymore about that type of thing? I didn’t think that it would ever be completely gone, but I certainly hoped I could get to the point where this was not a constant thought in the back of my mind.
I ate the banana, washed up and then headed back to bed to be the good patient Audra expected of me. I climbed onto the bed, picking up the book I started reading from where I left off the day prior. After about 45 minutes or so, I hear the cell phone on the table next to me alert me to a text message. I picked it up, seeing that there was a text from Eva asking if she could come see me. I replied yes. I’d be right there to let her in.
Letting Eva in, I asked if she minded if we sat in the bedroom. “No, not at all. How are you feeling now? Were you able to get some rest?”
I smiled at her, “Yes, I managed to fall back asleep, waking up around 9:00 am. It felt nice to be able to rest.”
“That’s great,” Eva replied as she sat down in one of the chairs in the bedroom. “I gave Mom an idea last night, she asked me to talk to you about it to see what you think.”
“Oh?” I asked, curiosity evident on my face.
“I’m not sure if you know everything that is involved with getting you to a safe place, there are actually a lot of people involved, a lot of pieces that need to fall into place. One part of that will be helping you with a job because you will need to have an income.”
“That makes sense. I really haven’t had a chance to think about anything. Now, with the baby, I’m not sure how I will be able to find work,” I said. “I don’t know how I will be able to get a job, I have very little work history, nothing at all in the last five years.”
“I’m not trying to stress you out about an income. Let me explain a bit of what happens here. As I said, Mom and I are only a small part of this picture. We have… contacts let’s call them, that we reach out to that help us make you a new life. You will be getting a new identity made for you by one of our contacts. That contact also helps get you a job with other contacts we have.”
“Oh, wow. That sounds complicated,” I replied. “I wondered how you and your mom thought you would be able to help me, I had no idea that there were people out there that did this type of thing for people like me.”
“It can be complicated; everyone keeps their identity secret. I guess that came about years ago when a contact was murdered by the husband of someone they were trying to help get to a safe place. Since then, it is safer for all involved this way.” Eva said, “Anyway, I came up with an idea as far as the job for you that I think will be perfect for your situation. How would you feel about a job working from home? There are a lot of companies that will let you work remotely. Our contact states that he does have the ability to set you up with that if you would like.”
“That really sounds like a great idea. I don’t have very many skills. I took a few college courses before I got married, but I quit going—I should say was forced to quit.”
“That shouldn’t be a problem. Can you type at all?” Eva asked.
This was something that I could do. Allen made me do a lot of his reports for him and made me type up letters and other things during our marriage. “Oh yes, I can type about 60 wpm. I also have some very basic computer skills.” I stated.
“That is great, that will help a lot. I am sure that whatever job our contact manages to find for you will train you. A lot of companies with remote workers supply the equipment needed to work for them.”
I thought about this for a few minutes. How perfect would it be if I could work from home? Not only would it be great with the baby on the way, but it would also keep me out of the public eye a lot, so the chance of being recognized would be smaller. I looked at Eva, “I love that idea, it sounds ideal. I could stay out of the public eye easier.”
“Perfect! I think it will be great. We can’t promise where you will end up living. In fact, Mom and I won’t even know where you end up. It all depends on our contacts and their contacts to find a place that will be safe for you. The other thing we need to talk about is we need to change your appearance a little bit. How would you feel about a hairstyle change, including a different color?”
“Yes! I would love something new.”
Eva smiled at my enthusiasm. “We have a local contact that we will reach out to today to see when she can come over. She specializes in helping people change their appearance. She is one contact that we see face-to-face, but we still don’t share names with her. Unfortunately, now that you are on the news we need to try and get things going. We will need to get you some place safe soon.”
“Has there been more on the news about me?” I asked worriedly.
“They found your car; police are viewing this as a kidnapping now. Your husband is supposed to go on TV later with a plea for your safe return.”
“This I have to see,” I said, “it is a little ironic that I am safer now than if I return to him—even though he claims he wants me ‘home safe’.”
“So true,” Eva said. “We plan to keep you safe here. I’ll leave you alone now, I have some schoolwork to do for my classes today. I’ll text you when our contact will be here to give you a new look.”
“Thanks, Eva.” She reached out, gave my hand a little squeeze, then turned to leave the room.
“Eva?” I called to her. She turned and looked at me, “I was wondering if I could get some yarn and a crochet hook?”
“Sure! I didn’t know you could crochet.”
“Well, I can’t yet, but I saw a show on it. It looked like something I would love to learn.”
“I’m sure Mom has plenty of supplies. I think she might even have a book that shows you the different stitches and how to do them. She would be happy to loan it to you I bet. I’ll check with her; we will get you some starter supplies.” She turned, walking out.
After locking up after Eva left, I turned on the TV, thinking I would watch more crafting shows to pass the time. I thought about the changes Eva mentioned and the fact that I might be able to learn how to crochet. I felt a sense of excitement that I had never felt before. A baby, new job, new look, new life. Do I dare let myself get excited? Can I dream of a future that will be happy? I decided that I was not going to let myself get my hopes up too much because there were a lot of things that had to fall into place before I was even safe.
I spent the rest of the morning watching some craft shows, sort of tossing and turning in the bed. I shut the TV off at lunchtime, heading out to the kitchen to find something for lunch. I opened the refrigerator, pulling out the leftover pizza. I remembered how much I used to love pizza, even like cold leftover pizza. I grabbed a piece and decided I wanted to spend the afternoon on the couch.
I poured a glass of milk and took it with the cold pizza to the couch. I had brought the book out with me, so I read while I enjoyed my lunch. I finished the pizza and washed up my dishes when I heard the cell phone text alert go off. I walked back over to the couch picking up the phone to read the text message. It was from Eva again, simply stating ‘Hair appt 6:00 tonight’.
I sent a simple message back “Great!” Feeling a little tired, I moved back into the bedroom, taking the book and the cell phone with me. I crawled back into bed, read for a little while longer then closed my eyes for a nap.